Sunday, September 17, 2006

Keeping my mouth shut

With the ex living in another city and only seeing the kids once a month, I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Its the whole, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" thing.

So since the people I am around the most (my kids) can't hear me vent, whine and complain about their dad.... plus they all think he is great.... well who am I to squash that. I want to be the bigger person in this.....

In that stream of thought, I'm going to vent, whine and complain, and basically say everything here that I would LOOOOOVE to say.

The ex is now in a relationship. After lying to me about wanting to get back together, I find out that for at least a month or more, we was seeing this girl and they moved right to "I love you" very quickly. Well good for him. But, I think part of the reason he can't seem to make time for his kids, is because he likes being with her. Fine. He is the one missing out. Here is what bothers me..... He called last night and told the kids he will be buying them all these new games. Why? I don't know but I would guess it is guilt. I really want to say something about it but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

Then he has also told me that he wants the kids to meet his new girlfriend and her kids. I told him our kids are not quite ready for that. Did he listen? No, he told the kids that he wants them to meet her. Well I had to pick up the pieces of that and he is completely stupid for not realizing they are not ready! He may be ready to move on but they are still trying to figure out what happened. Again, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. I already said everything that needs to be said. And, if he wants to spend his ONE weekend alone with the kids, with her as well.... well I don't know, just seems pretty selfish to me. Ya know?

Then L being 4 and me being here, well when he gets his feelings hurt, he will cry for daddy. And, ya know, when he does it about kills me. I would love to say, "Yeah you want daddy, but where is he? Not here because he doesn't want to be with us. He couldn't handle being a dad full-time so once a month is all he can do." I will not say that to my child but damn, I would love to. I just comfort him as much as he will let me and then we move along.

The point is I'm here. I haven't left the kids to flounder around and while I might be seeing someone it if casual and even if it were more, I wouldn't go pushing him on my kids. They are not ready for that at all!

I just cannot, will never understand being a part-time parent. He isn't here for doctor's appts, for sick kids, for the ups and downs, for looking over homework or taking them to the park. He isn't here to nag them to clean up their messes or to tell them good-night. I am here. I will always be here for them. If it means putting some of my plans on hold and not being able to go out and meet new people or get in a serious relationship, that is fine. They will be grown and gone before I'm too old to get out and meet people. K is 12... just a few years and she will be off doing her own thing with friends. H is almost 11, same deal. L is the only one I will have longer.... but still when he is 16-18-ish I will only be 41. That is quite young still.

And who knows what will happen this next year or two? I don't. But, I'm committed to doing whatever it takes for these kids and if that means having to bite my tongue quite often so that I don't hurt them.... well I can do it. I'm their mom.

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