Friday, September 29, 2006

Overwhelmed

I feel like blogging but couldn't decide on the topic so I figure I could vent a bit. I do complain some but I really, really try not to. I mean my life overall is great. I have friends a lot worse off and of course friends that have a great life, one that other people can only dream of.

But today, I need to vent and whine and complain and get out some of my guilt. I have been neglecting everything. I don't feel like my head is on straight. I feel like I get distracted easily and can't seem to finish much. I haven't given my children my full attention. I'm messing up a bit at work. My house is always a mess. My finances are getting better but still a mess. I feel like I'm floundering and don't even know what or how to fix it.

I knew being a single mom would be hard and I really thought no bigs I have been pretty much a single mom even being married, doing 90-95% of everything for years and years.... but oh no, no, no, no, no, no.... Nothing could have prepared me for having to take care of all the needs for all three kids and work and the house and going to school. There are school activities and they want to do sports and scouts and damn it I just don't have time!!!! Just a few more classes to go and hopefully I will have much, much more time. Maybe I can focus more..... but what if I can't? What if it isn't better? What if this is my life?

The ex suggested today that I let the older son go live with him. What did I say to that? Not just no but hell no! Not that he wouldn't take care of him and whatever. But I am not separating my children from each other or (selfishly) from me. They might not mind but I just feel it is important for them to be together. Maybe it was that I was close to my brothers growing up... I don't know.

Then today I meet with that guy.... Let's call him Goofball from now on, okay? Good. So Goofball and I meet today at the zoo. One of my most favorite places to go! I love, love, love the zoo. It looks like they are doing a ton of work and I can't wait to see how it turns out. But while we were out today, we talked about us. The talk about what we want. I mostly let him talk. I had a stressful morning and then just got really mellow. He and I agreed we aren't looking for serious and just want to keep this casual. Perfect! Perfect! Perfect! I mean don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I do like him but I just don't have a lot of time for more and maybe sometime next year I will have time for a more serious relationship and if it is with him great and if not, fine too. Either way I enjoy his company now, he makes me laugh and I love to talk to him. so I'm here for the ride however long that is......

I'm so overwhelmed, so very lost and confused. I have been really fighting with my depression again and I just want to cry!!!! Scream!!! Yell!!!! I wish I were able to run..... I miss running so much but I can't risk hurting my foot again. Maybe I will buy a bike for myself. That would at least take the impact off of my foot and still give me that physical release I need so badly.

Anyway, for now, I'm trying to take it one day at a time and if necessary one minute at a time.

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