Nice ride

Well I have been up since about 3-ish this morning. What was I doing at 3 in the moring? Having anxiety attacks. Really bad ones. I haven't had them this bad in a long, long time. I talked about them in another blog entry here.... did I call it "Me"? I think so.

Anyway I think these were brought on by all the stress and the divorce finally being over.... and well reality setting in. Now don't get me wrong, this is soo the right decision to make, but it still kind of sucks. There were no true deal breakers in our marriage that would make me hate him or divorce him, but then there wasn't anything to hold on to either. So there is that stupid, nagging voice asking me if this truly was the right thing, could we make it work? I know the answer to that..... No.

I have heard other people talk about feeling kind of this way too, so I know its normal but damn, until you go through it, you just don't get it. Of course for a normal person, maybe they wouldn't have anxiety attacks or maybe they do, again this isn't something people talk about.

Wow, one is starting now. What is happening is my whole body starts shaking and getting really tense. Its hard to breath and I feel very cold, very cold. Also I feel very sick to my stomach. But, anyway.....

The nice ride part. Well I decided I would go for a ride but being that it was still the "witching hour" as I call it. The time of morning when it is still really too early to just drive around randomly when you are a single woman.... or really anyone. I hopped on the computer and did a little web searching to pass the time and then "that guy" got on so we chatted via IM. I told him my plans, he gave some suggestions and we talked a bit until it was past the witching hour. I popped in a new CD with a bunch of my current fave songs and I was off. I drove to the Gulf and just felt the anxiety wash away.... at for a bit. Of course its back but oh well it was a nice ride anyway....

Just what I needed, a trip to my birth place, Galveston, TX. Love it though I know what I see when I go is different than the way others see it....Maybe a Rose colored glasses type of situation. Its home and I always feel good going there. Just going to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.....