I am a planner. I like routine and while I sometimes worry that I get in a rut.... well it isn't a rut exactly the way some people think. It is more like a depression or something missing feeling than a true rut.
Sooo anyway, I don't like to be in limbo, not knowing what tomorrow brings. No I can't tell the future and I don't expect to but as long as I have a plan, I feel safe. I usually have more than one plan for any given time. This helps keep my anxiety disorder under control.
For example, to go to the grocery store, I have to talk myself through the steps.... Where to park, then park, which door I am going to go in, where I will start, etc. I visualize each of these steps too, not just talking myself through it.... It is a very detailed process in my mind but it helps me to get through it. It is easier for me to go if I take one or more child with me. When I have to go alone, I actually have to force myself to go. It almost hurts to go sometimes. I tend to park in the same general area, go in the same door, walk the same path.
And it isn't just the grocery store. It is everywhere.
My days are like this too. If my mornings don't go just right, I have a hard time shaking it. I can barely keep my anxiety under control .... but I do. I do it almost everyday.
However, sometimes some thing will come along and shake everything I know. Just one situation and everything goes haywire. Something big, like my divorce, losing my job, financial issues.... like big ones, not just everyday ones. When those things happen, I can fall into my rut, depression, anxiety, just fall into myself and I can't climb out easily. I have to get my balance again, I have to steady myself and then put one foot in front of the other.
It might sound crazy. Maybe I am. I make it work most of the time but I just have to have a plan (or two or three... as back ups, just in case).
Sunday, March 29, 2009
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6 comments:
It's just a navy thing.
You always have to compartmentilize all my behaviors. It is either a woman thing, a HR thing or a Navy thing (or I am sure a few others)....
You crack me up! :)
of course, otherwise you'd grow board with me always being correct! :)
Heehee, great comments! I've also been very routine-oriented since childhood. I get nervous if I feel that I don't have a plan (and a backup plan) for everything in life. I also get very nervous about any sort of uncertainty. And I've never been in the Navy :-)
I guess if it got to a point where I felt that it was impacting my ability to live my life, I would need to do something about it. But right at the moment, I'm known as the super-reliable one who is always on time, remembers everything and who has a Palm Pilot in her brain so...at the moment, it's working for me ;-)
I'm the queen of order in my house, yet I can't bear to shop with the children most times - mainly because they ruin my train of thought and disrupt my pattern!! I can cope with two max and that's it and only then when the list is short!
I can be like this sometimes. I'm trying to let things go and not have a plan for everything. It works in certain aspects of my life (work) but sometimes I just need to go with the flow. Even typing that is difficult!
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