Religion

Religion

I’m not really a religious person per sa. I feel like I fall somewhere between Christian and Agnostic. Not truly either one but not really neither, makes sense right? Okay I’ll try to explain. I do believe in a higher power, I just happen to call him God and Jesus is his son but I think religion is so much more. It is what gives people hope. Sometimes(okay most time) when I pray, I don’t start “Dear Lord…” I will just say, “Give me strength.” No name but I know it gets where it is suppose to go because I feel stronger.

I also believe in evolution, Dinosaurs and all things science. I used to want to be a Scientist. Honestly, I have an explanation about how all this ties into the Bible story of evolution. I’m not going to explain now, I’ll save that for later.

I will get to the point of why I’m writing about religion today. Someone posted this in a group I belong to. It wasn’t meant for me but it had a lot of power over me today. I felt like this was for me, even though it wasn’t. This is what I want in my future! A partnership. A coupling of souls. Someone who can lean on me and I can lean on them and we give and take.

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10 comes to mind.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!"

Now I wait

I hate waiting. I think the interview today went well. I felt nervous at first but was quickly comfortable with the two people that were interviewed me. We were cracking jokes together, then I got a quick tour. There is a great, great view just outside of the office. The office space we would share is like one large office, with cubes that make like 7 smaller offices. The cubicle walls are short so you can see everyone.... Open concept, maybe?

I really, really, really want this job!!!!! Its in the field I want to be in. Its a good salary. Good location and the people, so far, seemed great. Did I mention that the building was gorgeous and everyone in the halls were friendly? Everyone made eye contact and said "Good morning." or "Hi"..... with a smile even.

Sooo should know something by the end of the week, if not sooner. Cross your fingers!

End of the weekend means.....

.... that I have my big interview tomorrow. Not sure if i talked about this and I really don't feel like looking back.

So I have an interview with a large Oil and Gas company for a HR Assistant position paying more than I have made thus far in my career/life. I must get this job.... well as long as the person/people seem like a fit. But, on paper, the job would perfect for me. Human Resources has been something I have always loved and the chance to get back into it would be awesome! I used to work in HR but the company had to start lay-offs and you guessed, I was laid off too.

I'm nervous and have been "studying" and practicing what to say. Just to sound confident.

So wish me luck, say a prayer or do a little dance..... whatever it takes so that I at least interview well. I'm so bad at it.

The other news for the end of the weekend is that I have my kiddos back. Of course Drama Queen calls right at 6 to say that I wasn't there yet and I was late and why wasn't I coming to get them... there was more but I was trying not to laugh! She of course hung up on me again. How did get so lucky!? :)

My kids and my weekend

This weekend was my 3rd weekend alone. No kids. And yes, the 3rd since November.

So what did I do? Not much! I needed to find some shoes to wear for my interview on Tuesday. Slept in, stayed up late. I even played video games!! I was suppose to clean. Of course I haven't done much of that at all.

What I realized this weekend is that my kids are my motivation. I get up each morning because of my kids. I clean the house because of my kids. I go to the grocery store because of my kids. See a pattern?

Well I had a chance to get one back. She called because she was homesick....or so she said. After talking with her dad, it turns out she was probably just bored. He was watching the race and the older boy was playing video games. Her Nintendo DS was charging so she was bored.

I told her no, she couldn't come home. This was her weekend with her dad and my weekend alone. She got mad, yelled at me. I said I was sorry.... and she said, "You aren't sorry. You are glad to be rid of us!" and then hung up.

Remind me why I miss them so much???? :)

My new tool

Okay so this seems silly but I'm so excited. Part of my independence if you will. I realized today or was it yesterday, ah anyway, that I needed tools so I could fix things if needed around the house. I currently have a few things that require a screwdriver (storm door, A/C Vent, a few cabinets) so that is what I bought BUT.....

..... not just a regular screwdriver. No, no! It is an electric one. Black and Decker. I know, I know might seem silly but again, I'm so excited.

Now off to see how long this has to charge (probably 24 hrs) before I can start being the Handywoman around the house.

Not Ready

The divorce is mutual, somewhat.... I mean it is time to call it quits and I really do know it but still.

For the previous three years, I have had little to no feelings for him. Kind of sad and why I didn't just file then, I don't know. I guess I was holding out hope. For what? Maybe that my feelings would come back.

Thinking back, trying to pinpoint the time I stopped loving him.... In 2002, I was laid off from a job I LOVED! with people I adored. Took another job that was good, the people were great but money sucked. We were really having a hard time paying bills (stress). So we "push" when we get stressed rather than lean on each other. That is just the dynamics of our relationship. So moving forward, he says he wants a divorce right before Christmas 2002. S o we separate. After about a week, he says he made a mistake, blah, blah, blah.... and being stubborn or stupid or both, I said sure move back in. It was tough being on my own and this was an easy out for me too. Then in the Summer 2003, he gets a job offer to move to Fargo. We go back and forth a little .... We decide to go. Same day he accepts the offer, my grandparents announce that my grandfather has cancer.

Through all of this, I do not say "I love you".... I'm a daily ILU type of person, but not during this. And, we move to Fargo and I still don't say it. I don't feel it either. I feel shut down. I take anti-depression meds off and on for those 2 yrs, seek counseling and finally decide to move back to Texas. So I leave him. Yes I leave him......

He follows me back. Moves in temporarily, gets an apartment and moves out. That was Fall 2005. Then come February.... What's that? I feel something deep down..... Love? Maybe but its too soon to say anything, I have been burned by this before. So we talk about going to counseling and then moving back in together. We even look for and find our dream house! Put money down, everything is great. We all take a nice, wonderful trip to San Antonio. I'm thinking things are going great. BAM! Things changed. I heard it in his tone and asked him. Yes in fact, he wants the divorce now. NOW? Now that I'm actually falling in love with you again. Now when I realized I can't live without you. Now?!?!? Its about control I realize this. He wants to be in control of the divorce, the feelings and my pain. He says "I didn't know you were feeling that way." "I never make you smile." etc, etc, etc....

Now he is moving to Dallas. Good for you. You go live your life and leave us here picking things up. The kids are a mess, I'm a mess... no job, kids to support I'm lonely as hell because what I thought was getting better was all in my head, or was it? Again, its about control.

Oh the "Not Ready" for the title. Here it is. Kind of Dixie Chick like, I'm not ready to play nice. Oh we can be all amicable about things. Yes. But, I am not ready to be sweet and friendly and make small talk when I call you to ask when you are coming to pick up the kids or tell you some other "business" thing. No I don't want to talk about your day or your move to Dallas, unless it concerns the kids directly then don't talk to me about it (which yes the move does but not the details of his move, like movers). And, once the subject gets off the "business", then I'm not going to be civil or nice about it and may snap your head off. I'M NOT READY!!!!!!

In my shoes

This phrase or versions of this phrase have me thinking lately. A friend is having major troubles so I was thinking "What would I do if I were in her shoes?" Well then I got to thinking, what I would do would be totally different than what she is doing or what she might do.

Then of course, because I can't stop it, I started thinking about this.... "Walk a mile in my shoes." Well I got to thinking isn't this kind of like Cinderalla's shoes? Let me explain.... The glass slippers only fit on her foot so me thinks that even if we could "walk a mile" in someone else's shoes, they just wouldn't fit right because we would be bringing our own experiences and perspectives with us. Meaning, we wouldn't react the way he, she or they would act and therefore what they see has horrible, the worst thing ever. We might see as easy or not so bad because maybe we have experienced worse or are just able to handle more.

And while I do understand the phrase, at the same time, you just have to wonder...... What would it be like to walk in someone else's shoes? What would we really, truly see/feel?

Job Searching Blues

I hate looking for a job. I think I'm great on paper. I think I'm a great employee but I don't feel like I interview well. I seem to say dumb things or get tongue tied. I have learned to stop talking and not just ramble because silence is okay.

I have been sending my resume out. Calling staffing companies. Going on a few interviews but nothing.

I went on an interview yesterday. I had on my nice suit. My hair looked great, make-up great! So I drive out there have plenty of time. Get to the parking lot, its full. Drive around until I get to another lot. Problem is I will now have to walk outside in the heat to this building and as far as I could tell there was no underground tunnel or anything. So by the time I got to the building/office, it is time for my interview and no time to find a restroom to freshen up..... The interviewer understood and we both kind of laughed about it. The interview seemed to go okay though a few times I found I had to shut myself up a few times because I was just being stupid! Then the girl seemed nervous or bored or both and then seemed rushed to say good-bye. Though she did seem impressed by my skills and resume. I really don't think I will get offered the job.

I need a job, not just to pay the bills but I love to work and I'm bored out of my mind doing nothing. I might soon have to take a job where I have to say, "Would you like fries with that?"

Why?

I wonder why a lot. Why am I so upset about this divorce when I'm the one that started it in the whole first place? And, then I go back further, why did I leave Fargo, life was much easier and I had everything a person could want?

But, was I happy? Sure I had the kids, the husband and a great car . We lived in a great house with neighbors we acutally liked and hung out with. The kids had friends too. They seemed to know everyone. Husband had friends too. I guess I had friends. I belonged to a exercise group and I really did like those women but it still felt like something was missing. Happiness, maybe?

So fast forward to March of this year. We start talking about us moving back in together and because this house is so small, we started to look for and found a house we liked. We were calling for a therapist so we could get to the root of the problem and I thought we were final going to put all of this hurt and pain behind us and move forward.

But, I saw it and heard it before he ever spoke the words. I knew something had changed in him. This happens with him sometimes. I guess that's why I have learned to rush decisions, even important ones because he gets inpatient and that's it.... its over.

Honestly its for the best and deep down I really know that. I just feel lik e why now? Why when I final had feelings again?

This is our history though. We take turns wanting a divorce but I really never thought it would happen. I really thought it was just "our thing".

So here I sit wondering the whys of it all and knowing that it really is for the best...... and wondering why I'm feeling like this and it hits me in three little words.

I am lonely.

Trying once more.....

This is my third go at starting a blog. Let's see if I can keep it going!

So quick intro. I'm EJ. Mom to three: ages 11 (almost 12), 10 and a nearly 4 yr old. About to finalize on a divorce after 12 + years of marriage. I go to school full-time and work full-time as well. Add in the two cats and we have a full house!

About working, well I'm between jobs now. So you could say that my whole life right now is going through changes.

As one friend told me today, I get a "do-over!" This is going to be my new outlook on my life. From this point forward is my second chance. I get to try once more. I get a do over!

Thanks!