Saturday, May 27, 2006

Not Ready

The divorce is mutual, somewhat.... I mean it is time to call it quits and I really do know it but still.

For the previous three years, I have had little to no feelings for him. Kind of sad and why I didn't just file then, I don't know. I guess I was holding out hope. For what? Maybe that my feelings would come back.

Thinking back, trying to pinpoint the time I stopped loving him.... In 2002, I was laid off from a job I LOVED! with people I adored. Took another job that was good, the people were great but money sucked. We were really having a hard time paying bills (stress). So we "push" when we get stressed rather than lean on each other. That is just the dynamics of our relationship. So moving forward, he says he wants a divorce right before Christmas 2002. S o we separate. After about a week, he says he made a mistake, blah, blah, blah.... and being stubborn or stupid or both, I said sure move back in. It was tough being on my own and this was an easy out for me too. Then in the Summer 2003, he gets a job offer to move to Fargo. We go back and forth a little .... We decide to go. Same day he accepts the offer, my grandparents announce that my grandfather has cancer.

Through all of this, I do not say "I love you".... I'm a daily ILU type of person, but not during this. And, we move to Fargo and I still don't say it. I don't feel it either. I feel shut down. I take anti-depression meds off and on for those 2 yrs, seek counseling and finally decide to move back to Texas. So I leave him. Yes I leave him......

He follows me back. Moves in temporarily, gets an apartment and moves out. That was Fall 2005. Then come February.... What's that? I feel something deep down..... Love? Maybe but its too soon to say anything, I have been burned by this before. So we talk about going to counseling and then moving back in together. We even look for and find our dream house! Put money down, everything is great. We all take a nice, wonderful trip to San Antonio. I'm thinking things are going great. BAM! Things changed. I heard it in his tone and asked him. Yes in fact, he wants the divorce now. NOW? Now that I'm actually falling in love with you again. Now when I realized I can't live without you. Now?!?!? Its about control I realize this. He wants to be in control of the divorce, the feelings and my pain. He says "I didn't know you were feeling that way." "I never make you smile." etc, etc, etc....

Now he is moving to Dallas. Good for you. You go live your life and leave us here picking things up. The kids are a mess, I'm a mess... no job, kids to support I'm lonely as hell because what I thought was getting better was all in my head, or was it? Again, its about control.

Oh the "Not Ready" for the title. Here it is. Kind of Dixie Chick like, I'm not ready to play nice. Oh we can be all amicable about things. Yes. But, I am not ready to be sweet and friendly and make small talk when I call you to ask when you are coming to pick up the kids or tell you some other "business" thing. No I don't want to talk about your day or your move to Dallas, unless it concerns the kids directly then don't talk to me about it (which yes the move does but not the details of his move, like movers). And, once the subject gets off the "business", then I'm not going to be civil or nice about it and may snap your head off. I'M NOT READY!!!!!!

No comments: