Why?

I wonder why a lot. Why am I so upset about this divorce when I'm the one that started it in the whole first place? And, then I go back further, why did I leave Fargo, life was much easier and I had everything a person could want?

But, was I happy? Sure I had the kids, the husband and a great car . We lived in a great house with neighbors we acutally liked and hung out with. The kids had friends too. They seemed to know everyone. Husband had friends too. I guess I had friends. I belonged to a exercise group and I really did like those women but it still felt like something was missing. Happiness, maybe?

So fast forward to March of this year. We start talking about us moving back in together and because this house is so small, we started to look for and found a house we liked. We were calling for a therapist so we could get to the root of the problem and I thought we were final going to put all of this hurt and pain behind us and move forward.

But, I saw it and heard it before he ever spoke the words. I knew something had changed in him. This happens with him sometimes. I guess that's why I have learned to rush decisions, even important ones because he gets inpatient and that's it.... its over.

Honestly its for the best and deep down I really know that. I just feel lik e why now? Why when I final had feelings again?

This is our history though. We take turns wanting a divorce but I really never thought it would happen. I really thought it was just "our thing".

So here I sit wondering the whys of it all and knowing that it really is for the best...... and wondering why I'm feeling like this and it hits me in three little words.

I am lonely.