Sunday, July 08, 2007

My Computer seems to be working!

But, I'm not. I'm so freakin' lonely its not even funny. I'm depressed as hell. My kids really do keep me going.

I have been trying to force myself to get out. I have called people like my parents and my aunt and some friends so that I can just get out of the house from time to time. Not just be stuck in the house.

But, like right now, I have no one to go with me and I have to go to the grocery store. But, as you see, I'm not. I'm typing away saying nothing of interest. But, I will get myself together once I vent this and make my confession. I just have to then mentally talk myself into to driving to the store. I actually do have to mentally prepare myself to do things even things that I have done a hundred times. Don't even get me started on how much it takes for me to get myself to do something new.... Ack! Just bring me my "I love me" jacket now.

I know I'm weird. But this is all part of me. I have an anxiety disorder and I suffer from depression and I hear voices.... oh wait that's just because I left the TV on in the other room. Okay so just the first two.

When I am suffering from both an anxious feeling and depression, I can almost not function. Like right now, I'm almost paralyzed with fear of going out of my house. Wait, fear might not be the right word. But, I'm paralyzed into not doing it.

And I know when I do make it out of the house, I will forget much of what I wanted at the store. This means I will have to calm down and try again later. This also means taking a list will not help. I will actually not be able to read the list. It is the weirdest feeling. So I just wing it and hope for the best.

So wish me luck as I head out. I just wish that the grocery store would deliver. That is one of the few things I do miss about Fargo, ND! Grocery delivery!!! Whoohooo.

PS... I have a few posts that I need to do... Namely Rockin' Girl Blogger. Min, I didn't forget!!! Just sucked into a hole I can't climb out of.


Margaret said...

Feel better soon. I definitely have felt like that before. So really, me aying "feel better soon" doesn't mean a whole heckuva lot. But, maybe at least you got some ice cream at the store?

trapped said...

Let's go, it's time, come on. I got a bottle with your name scribbled in the corner.

The Exception said...

Now this doesn't sound like a fun state. I find that forcing myself to take a walk can make a load of difference, but I have never felt like you described.

Hang in there and feel better!

TxGambit said...

Thanks, y'all! Means a lot to have people thinking of me

Margaret, why yes! I did get ice cream at the store. Mint Choc Chip... eating it now. Yum!

Trapped, thanks! It was fun.

The Exception, I have written about my anxiety and depression some in the past. I try to write about it right when I'm feeling it because I feel I get the true feeling of how it is. Sometimes it is really a sad, lonely feeling. Really scary.

Jenny said...

Oh girl, you know I can so relate. I wish I'd been by earlier to give you a virtual hug but I've been in a hole of my own.

I'm here if you need me...or even if you don't.

Just remember, you rock, you're strong, you're funny, and you inspire those around you...including me.