Connected

A few weeks ago, I posted how I felt disconnected from my children. Well through the power of drugs and pure will power, I feel connected again. I feel like I am their mom again. We had a really great weekend.... it was lazy! We spent a lot of quality time together. Watching movies, cuddling, playing, talking.... just really nice.

And the moment I knew I was feeling better and not depressed, stressed, anxious or overwhelmed... was last night as I was getting to go meet Goofball. The boys were wild animals. For a few months now this has just been the killer for me. I would be wiped out and almost crying. I just could not deal.

Well last night, I handled it like a champ. In fact I got involved a little bit. When it was time for me to leave, I just told them to be good. I figure they were because I got no calls from the babysitter!

Soo hurray!!! I feel so, so much better. I know the meds aren't working this fast but just the relief of having that appointment behind me. Plus I know I had a lot of great support which I have not always had in the past, so it really helped me to push through it. (Thanks! everyone!)

Back on drugs

Went to the doctor today and he suggested I get back on anti-depressants. Okay. I know I need them. I realize that I can't get past the depression and anxiety without it. It isn't my fault or anything I can just switch on and off, or control by willpower. Why it took me so long to admit it? I don't know, it is just part of the depression and anxiety really.

Sooooo hopefully in 2 to 4 weeks, I will be feeling a lot better.

Until then.... just hanging in and trying to get by each day.

On a positive note, Goofball came over today and fixed my dishwasher!!!! Wooohooo. So to him, thanks, sweetie! You rock.

Something weird....

I have started putting pennies all around my office space. I work in a cube so I was going to say desk but....

I just kind of realized I have been doing it too. Today was definitely on purpose! I stuck about 8 in my pen holder. There are some that have lived in the little groove of a file hanging system on my desk. There are more in a little desk organizer behind me and then in several of my drawers are pennies.

I guess the really weird part is I was thinking, what if I change jobs (or get fired for blogging at work), and someone comes into my desk and finds all these pennies, what might they think?

So of course then I am just laughing at myself for thinking what this person's reaction might be. Seriously though, they are everywhere.... and now it is going to become a game with me! Yeah, I'm weird like that, I just don't let everyone see it!

Where do they all go?

So I have noticed lately that all my plastic food storage containers have gone missing, and really not all of them, just the lid or just the container. I either have one or the other but in very few cases do I have both!

What’s up with that?

It is a mystery for sure, like where the missing socks are, or what happened to the dinosaurs, or what’s that thing in the night sky?

I know not too long ago I had almost every single one. I know this because my oldest niece went through my cabinet and matched everything! There were a few that didn’t have a mate but most all of them did. Now just the opposite is true.

This is not good because I have to make some really big changes in my life; most specifically in what I and the kids eat. I know it and have known it for a long time…. And really it takes a lot of organization for me to do this and stick to it. Hence the need for the storage containers (as well as baggies and well a whole list of things)

I want to and have to start taking my lunch to work (like I did today). I need to cut up veggies and fruit to make them more readily available and need to be able to pack these items easily. I also need to get something to carry drinks with me. I guess I could just buy bottled water but (and this is not a bad thing exactly) the kids just plow through the water bottles so sometimes we run out long before I can go buy more. The rule will be that bottles only when taking drinks out of the house. Water in the house can come from filtered water into a cup! (Yes I need to explain in that much detail to them!)

Why the sudden need to eat better? I have always been a bit of a slacker here. Trying to save myself some frustration, time and energy; however, I am going to the doctor next week and I know I will need to make these changes in order to fix what is wrong. I have not felt right for a while, and I’m pretty sure it is food and weight related (like totally duh! Right?) It is also probably stress, lifestyle and depression/anxiety related. I am just hoping that this is it; that this is all that is wrong…. These are easier fixes!

So I am taking small steps now to get to the goal I want (happy and healthy and feeling good). So far I have almost completely eliminated sodas which are my biggest problem and I have almost completely cut those out. I had one today but I haven’t had one in ….. well just less than a week but it was several days in a row without and then before that slip it was several days in a row…. The one I had today I only took a few sips before I realized, I just don’t like this anymore! That is huge!

Anyway, this is not a resolution because of the New Year. It is just a realization that my health is in jeopardy right now and I do not want my ex to get the kids!

So now, I just need to make a shopping trip to get more storage containers! Oh and a few other things but organization is going to be huge in getting this to work and stick.

My new pet

Margaret got a pet so I copied her! Isn't my pet cute.

adopt your own virtual pet!

What I did today!

I had the best time today. I went to Mama Drama Con Queso II. It rocked! I meet a lot of new people and a lot of folks that I knew. Many people I definitely want to get together with again.

I get really lonely for people to hang with which sounds so pathetic but hey isn't that why I am doing all this online stuff. Right?

So anyway this is a shout out to all those that attended! Leave me some love to let me know you were here.

See ya at the next one (or sooner!)

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I was not doing okay. I was depressed. I have suffered for so long with it (off and on) that I know when.... Really need to go on meds..... Also I know when I just must have a therapist and thankfully I have been talking with a great one! Which reminds me... I need to make my next appt.

But, anyway, I got a good night's sleep and it feels better today.

I think my problem was this. I was depressed and when I get like that, I withdraw. So I think in some ways that is what I was doing with the kids or feeling.

Plus someone said to me that my kids were with my ex in a more "normal" family life situation. He has his girlfriend and they live together. So they have kind of a whole family thing going on out there and maybe I am just jealous.

Other things that people have told me are that I haven't had my "hatred" spell with my ex. I agree with that to a point but then our marriage was over long before it actually ended so I really think I had gone through all that long before. And, while I do have bad feelings towards him, I think that at this point, it is normal feelings.

Sooooo anyway, I am feeling so much better today. So, so, so much better!

Just like a baby bird.....

This may sound like I am a bad mom. That is a chance I am willing to take. I just have to purge this from my mind, get it out and hope that one person, just one tells me this is okay, that this is normal or at least I am not a bad person for thinking this. Plus I know when I get the bad out, I feel better. If you have something negative to say, I do not want to hear it. This is not that type of post, this is not that type of situation nor is it wanted on this blog.

I know I was so happy and excited to have my babies back, but something seems to have overshadowed my joy.

I am not sure if it is depression or just me being crazy or both.

Basically today I realized that I felt weird, different towards them. I have been thinking about it all day. I was feeling like they weren't real or weren't mine or were just strangers in my house. Or maybe I am the stranger. I do not know.

I have never felt like this before. Does it have to do with the new girlfriend? Or is just something else? Like my very negative feelings I have for my ex. I resent him so much. Each time the kids are with him I just hate him more, and I do mean hate him.

I have spells when I am depressed so I continue to wonder if it just one of those moments.

I want to feel happy, connected and loving towards my kids. I really do and in many ways I still do.

This evening I am feeling a bit better and hugged them a lot. Tried to really be connected, or is it reconnected?

I am just hoping it is depression because I can't deal with feeling this way each time they come/go to their dad's. Depression seems to be just part of my life.....

EDIT: I do not mean this to sound like I don't want them or that I don't love them. I do want them and I do love them more than anything! It is just they seem different a little bit. And also I am feeling much better. I just needed it out!

Back to life, back to reality

With the holidays behind us and the new year ahead, we are getting back in the swing of things. The kids didn't have school today but do tomorrow. I worked for half the day today. It was nice to ease back into things.

Now we are all just kicked back, chatting and watching some tv together.

I am looking forward to this year. We have plans. We are actually going to take a vacation. This will be the first time I will be taking the kids on vacation alone! Well I guess that isn't completely true. When we lived in Fargo I did drive home with the three kids alone but it shouldn't really count because we stayed with my parents.

So our vacation is to go back to Pensacola where K and H were born and where I lived for nearly 4 years while in the Navy. I can't wait! I need to start planning it out. I'm so excited.

We are also planning to get all the grandkids together. Between my brothers and I, we have 9 children. We have had 8 of them together but my youngest bro has a new baby. The plan is for us all to travel either to Colorado where my youngest bro lives or meeting somewhere between here and there.

Also hoping to make some changes to the summer schedule for the kiddos. K and L both have summer bdays and they want to spend it with me this year. So not sure yet how that will play out.

Some other things are a new car, some new living room furniture and maybe a new dog.

So that is it in a really quick update on things with us!

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow! I get my babies back. I am sooo excited. Every time they have called me and their dad has been around, he ends up yelling at them to get off the phone. Are you serious? He did call me after one of the time to say he was sorry and didn't realize it was me they were talking to. Hmm, whatever, asshole!

He also called me today to find out what time we were doing pick up tomorrow. I was like, "K already said she told you that I said 1:00 and that you agreed. Is that not right?" He said yeah but.... Well then he didn't have a good reason. Where is his girlfriend? Can't he just leave me the fuck alone!?

And again he has disappointed his children. He had told H that he would be getting a cell phone for Christmas. Did he get one?! NO!

Asshole, asshole, asshole!

Anyway, I am so excited to be getting them back tomorrow.

And for tonight we (my Army bro, a cousin, her hubby and my aunt) are going to see our cousins play in their band at a club downtown! I can't wait. I have seen them play before but not in a club or bar... Rock on!!!

So having a rockin' night before getting the babies back. I have enjoyed my break, especially the Goofball parts! But again, just ready to have them home.

Breast Cancer Support

I am a big supporter for Breast Cancer Awareness. I always donate to the Susan G. Koman Foundation.

So recently, one of my very good friend's went for a check-up and was told there was a lump in her breast. It is a tumor.... cancer. She is one of the most amazing people I know.

I am throwing all my support to her now. So my blog will remain pink until she is in remission and I will be displaying this badge in honor of her!!! Her name starts with "L" which explains the letter on the badge.

Please show her support by displaying on your own blog and not just for her, but all who have or have had breast cancer.

Love ya, L!

Meet the parents

So for New Year's, Goofball came and had lunch with me and my parents. Yikes! I had a weak moment... balance a family tradition with seeing the most sexy man I know. What's a girl to do!?

Anyway, so he was an amazing guy about it (I was not surprised) and came along.

But that got me wondering, what people think when they meet my parents for the first time. The reason is that my parents now live in a really large, big expensive house but that doesn't define who they are or even tell you the story of them. I think people new to my life will just think that is how I grew up and it is soooo not the case. It was a bone of contention between me and my ex. He always thought that is the life I came from. He never felt comfortable with my family because he thought we were all these yuppie, rich folk. Whatever.

So the story goes....

My parents met in high school. Senior year and got pregnant with me near the end of the year. They got married a few months later and had me when they were 19 and 18. My dad worked very hard and went to college. My mom stayed home (but did work as needed). They then had my two brothers, the first 2 yrs after me and then 18 mths after that.... We lived in a little but very comfortable, cute house.

My dad slowly worked and worked his way up and into better jobs. They both made many sacrifices for us. We moved to a better house, yet still just a little bigger.

We didn't have the best of everything but we made the best of everything we had. We never went hungry and we never wanted for anything. We didn't go on expensive vacations. Our vacations were day or overnight trips around Texas. We learned history. I could not have asked for better vacations.

I know how expensive kids are, how expensive a house is, how expensive everything is....

Anyway, they pulled themselves up and made good choices (and of course some bad) but they are where they are today because of hard work. I didn't grow up in a house like they have now but I know that one day I will be able to live in one because I have good examples and I know it can be done.