and tonight reality hit me hard in the heart. I just want them back, safe with me. I feel stupid, betrayed and lied to. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am back in that very controlling relationship where I can't do anything to help my children.
With the remodel starting this week, I can't bring them home yet. With construction people going to be coming in and out during the day, they can't be home alone. School starts at the end of August..... but even then, the remodel will still be going on. There is no good time right now.
I am just so sad. So miserable and feeling so stuck. I miss them. I hate hearing their sad voices and the tone of their voices is changed. I keep asking them "Are you okay?" They typically say yes but tonight a lot of the stuff came pouring out (separately). I told them they would be home soon and I missed and loved them.
It really just breaks the heart and turns on the mommy bear instinct. I want to tear someone up for the way they are treated. This is why I wanted a divorce but also why I stayed so long. I felt like I could "control" more of the behavior and support them more if I was in the same house. Now I am just at a loss. They are just too far for me to help them.
OMG.... I am going to cry. I am going to scream. I am going to throw things.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.