Saturday, April 26, 2008

Just my life....

I feel like all I do is complain but really I am just processing, talking it out and/or telling the story of me. This is just my life. I hate to complain because I really do have a good life. I have great kids, a house, an awesome puppy and just on and on.... but my life is just a bit crazy and it wears on me.

I don't know if it is just being a single parent or if it is just the way I have run my life. I think not having a partner does contribute to some of my issues and some is just .... well just life.

I don't sleep well because of the kids and the puppy. Though they are all actually good, it is just the circumstance of having the two. The puppy sleeps pretty well at night and doesn't need to go out, but if one of the kids wakes up, then he thinks it is time to get up. Given my children's sleeping habits, there is almost always someone awake. K is a night owl so she typically goes to sleep after me. I don't really mind so much as long as she is quiet, doesn't bother me and wakes for me in the mornings. H is a morning bird. Getting up before most birds that is. He goes to bed early too. Again, as long as he is quiet. L is somewhere in between the two. I think because of his age, he still sleeps a lot. I think as he gets older, he will be a night owl too. It seems to be his thing. But with him, he stills wakes most nights because he has nightmares, hears a noise or whatever.

With this, there is almost always someone awake and even though the two older ones try to be quiet and not disturb me, but L is still too young and needs me at night sometimes. Therefore, I spend time settling him, settling the puppy and really no matter how quiet the other two are, my house is small and any noise wakes the puppy. Plus the only bathroom is connected to my bedroom, meaning if anyone goes to the bathroom at night, it wakes me and Cowboy.

Hopefully and most likely, once the house remodel is done (if it happens), it will make my nights sooooo much better.

With that said, my doctor seems concerned that I don't sleep well but like I told her yesterday, it is just my life right now. I realize I need to sleep more but at the moment life is what it is. I can complain about it or I can just deal and get sleep when I can.

It means that currently I walk around like a zombie and my house isn't as clean as I would like, I'm not as active as I would like and I just don't think I am as much fun!

But more than that, I feel like I am always running kids around, my life during the week feels so unorganized and my life just feels that way.

I haven't really cooked a dinner in so long, at least one that took any time or more than a few ingredients to make. It has to be simple or it is pizza or burgers delivered or drive-thru. It sucks and when my doctor asked about my appetite and interest in food, I was less than enthusiastic about it. Food just has lost much of its appeal. It is a shame because I think food should be something enjoyed, not just a need. I mean what a shame! Why waste calories on something that you don't want to eat or doesn't taste good to you? Life is too short to not enjoy it and there are too many good things to eat. With that said, balance, moderation for things that are just really bad for you and there are very healthy foods that are amazing to eat!

Soo anyway, my life is what it is and I wouldn't change much of it.... I just want some peace and rest in it. I want to get back to cooking for my kids. I want to feel organized and healthy.

Anyway, I am on a new med now. Was on Zoloft, now trying Cymbalta. This is to help with the aches and pains I feel daily. I think if I can get some of this pain under control some of the other will be a lot more bearable.

I love my kids. I love my dog. I love my life..... Also I really appreciate one special person in it. He makes me smile even when I don't feel like it. He makes me happy and feel important, even when the rest of my life doesn't. I just want to say thank you to him.... and he knows who he is.

And that is just my life. :)


shuttle mom said...

Your house sounds like mine. As I'm getting up someone else is just going to bed. I'm an early riser, but hubby and the kids are night owls. It's like an all night truck stop when friends get involved.
Hang in there girl.

Esmerelda said...

Your house sounds a lot like mine, and i only have 2 kids and no puppy. But my mother should account for something!

Being a parent is exhausting, shouldering the load yourself is exhausting, but the worst part is not having someone to share the exhaustion with!

Stephanie said...

Oh, Honey!! I SO feel your pain!!

Is it just that that's the way mommyhood is?

Anonymous said...

I am also a single mom with twins aged 18 months....I got divorced four months ago....
I can’t sleep either....the worst part is that I have been constantly irritated with them....irritated with being a single mom and having to carry so much all the time (I also work). I feel terrible for feeling this friends told me that it’s that single mom blues thing.....
I need help in knowing if my feelings are normal or not, or if I really need to get some help...
Endeka from Spain