Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The bricks that surround me.....

My marriage was …. Well what was it? I hate to say unhappy because for a while it was great, aren’t they all (most)? But once the word divorce was said, it never really was the same. It lasted 8 years too long. There were control issues and self-esteem issues and child-rearing disagreements and religion, finance…. You name it, we didn’t agree on it. We are opposite and not in the “opposites attract” way. He called me selfish, fat, and evil. I called him names too, well mostly just a$$hole.

So slowly I built this brick wall around me during those last 8 years. And since the divorce, I have felt a lot more like me again. However, there are just things I don’t show people about me. By people I guess I mean Goofball. And yes I have been talking to and/or dating him since June 2006…. So why stay closed up so long?? I don’t know. I guess I still am carrying some of that baggage from being put down so much in my marriage and building that wall. I hate being called selfish and evil. Those are the worst names that someone could call me because I don’t feel like I am either.

Are there times I think about me first? Oh yeah, baby! You better believe it because who else is? Am I evil? I don’t even know what this means. Is it because I am typically pretty laid back but if you push certain buttons, I can just go off. I am kind of hard to get upset but once I do, it is a flash in the pan… I get really hot tempered and maybe mean but I get over it really quickly. A lot of times I can remember being mad or upset or hurt by something but have no idea what. I mean why hold on to that.

And yet I hold a lot of fear and lack self-esteem in showing myself but I feel like that is more to protect myself from being hurt.

Then again, is Goofball ready to see more of me?? I don’t know. I have given little bits up lately, here and there. He has made a few comments about it, nothing bad but it makes me hold back other things for now. My dating profile said I could be sarcastic so why the surprise? Not sure. Maybe because for soooo long he has only known me to be quiet, laidback, indecisive but never really seen more than that.

I guess in ways I feel like if he sees these things, he won’t like me anymore. My fear of the “put-downs” I was the “victim” to previously have me gun-shy. I haven’t really sung in front of him at all. I sing, normally, all the time. All.the.time. And, if he is a Goofball, I could almost be called Ms. Goofball because I get pretty silly sometimes. But does he know this??? Not really.

Anyway, I am slowly trying to knock down the bricks; just some of them are harder to knock down. I am sure he will like the rest of me but at the same time…. I just don’t know….

7 comments:

trappedintime said...

Well, i'm not sure what ol' goofball would think, but a Wii sure wouldn't hurt the situation.

TxGambit said...

Well I am sure a Wii will help a bit but I hope there are other things he likes. I have a few examples of things but I will save those for another day. :)

Margaret said...

great post, my friend.

Woodland Fairy said...

You totally need to show your real self, your whole self, especially after 2 years of dating. If he loves you, he needs to be in love with the whole package, not just the plesantries you show to him. I don't know this guy, but if he knew you weren't showing your whole self to him, don't you think he would be offended/hurt by it? Just a thought.

trappedintime said...

fairy, them's fight'n words!

TxGambit said...

Thanks everyone.

Woodland Fairy, I think in a lot of ways you are right. I am "cheating" him in a way by not showing everything. But you know, the self-esteem hurts a lot.

Not sure what Trapped's last comment means. No reason for fightin'...

Shuttle Mom said...

I married my opposite. I kept things hidden from him over the years afraid of what he would think. One day (about 10 yrs later)I sat down with him and let it all go. At first he was hurt that I had not allowed him to see the whole me, but was VERY understanding. I cannot tell you how free I felt.
Hubby loves me. All of me. He has NEVER called me names or put me down. He accepts me for me. My self esteem issues are from my teen years (before we met)and he is very understanding of that.
Be yourself, your real self. If he has a problem with that then let him go. It's time to tear down that brick wall.