I have always wanted a little girl, a daughter. I got one! I was so excited when she was born. She was my first and I was scared to death and excited all at the same time. She was tiny. She was perfect. She was mine.
I have really enjoyed having a daughter. Now as we get deeper into the teen years that is changing. Now don't get me wrong, I still love having a daughter. I love her. But, it is getting more and more difficult to like her, at least every day. :)
She has gotten that typical teen attitude. We have been fighting a lot more everyday. If I try to discipline her, it gets worse. If I ask her to do anything (chore, homework, get out of bed for school), I am meet with almost hateful stares and attitude. She is currently grounded until she finds her brand-spanking new cell phone. She is pissed.
However, I know this is typical. I know it will pass. I just have to be the same. I have to be steady, generous, keep the lines of communication open, be there for her when/if she is ready. I just have to be very patient.
UPDATE: Not 5 minutes after posting this, she got all sweet and loving again. She was in here just chatting like nothing had happened. Probably to her, nothing did. Gotta love'em.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
In the light of day
So today is a new day. I do try to start them all off on a positive note. I try not to let things from yesterday bug me today.
K seemed a little better this morning, though she was really hard to get up. Gee wonder why? And, that is why mom says go to bed on time!!!
Anyway, I can't tell if she was snappy this morning because she was cranky from lack of sleep or still cranky about last night. We will talk later.
I have to admit, I'm still really hurt and angry over this. And while I wish I could say it is all at K, it is not. I know, I know, she is old enough to be responsible for her actions in this. But I can't help but shot blame at her father. Now I won't admit this to them but I actually hate him. I don't know when it came to this but I could feel it building. I think it was my last conversation with him that just did it. I can honestly say I have never really hated anyone before. It doesn't feel good but it is how I feel. I have spent years and years in counseling to be able to identify and understand how I feel. I was also told by a counselor, "Nobody can tell you how to feel. Nobody can tell you it is wrong because it is just how you feel. Its an emotion." Ya know, it is true and it really was a freeing moment for me. She went on to explain that it is how we act and react to the feelings that truly matters. True, true.
Anyway, it is a new day. I'm going to try like heck to put those horrible feelings and words out of my head, not bottled up but out. And as always, just keep on movin' on.
K seemed a little better this morning, though she was really hard to get up. Gee wonder why? And, that is why mom says go to bed on time!!!
Anyway, I can't tell if she was snappy this morning because she was cranky from lack of sleep or still cranky about last night. We will talk later.
I have to admit, I'm still really hurt and angry over this. And while I wish I could say it is all at K, it is not. I know, I know, she is old enough to be responsible for her actions in this. But I can't help but shot blame at her father. Now I won't admit this to them but I actually hate him. I don't know when it came to this but I could feel it building. I think it was my last conversation with him that just did it. I can honestly say I have never really hated anyone before. It doesn't feel good but it is how I feel. I have spent years and years in counseling to be able to identify and understand how I feel. I was also told by a counselor, "Nobody can tell you how to feel. Nobody can tell you it is wrong because it is just how you feel. Its an emotion." Ya know, it is true and it really was a freeing moment for me. She went on to explain that it is how we act and react to the feelings that truly matters. True, true.
Anyway, it is a new day. I'm going to try like heck to put those horrible feelings and words out of my head, not bottled up but out. And as always, just keep on movin' on.
Single mom and the double standard
I am so frustrated, angry, sad, upset, hurt..... grrrr!!!!!
So tonight Goofball came over to hang out. Long story short, I don't have living room furniture right now so we were watching TV in my room. Door open, on top of the covers, completely clothed, not even sitting very close. I think we were holding hands, maybe.
This was around 9, so I started to get the kids ready for bed (well really just telling them because they are all big enough to know what to do, except maybe L.... but really he is 5).
Well an hour later and they were still not really settled. Giggling and kept coming in the room for stuff. So I went in the other room (they all wanted to sleep in the same room) to kinda fuss at them. Well K said, "I'm not comfortable going to sleep while Goofball is still here." I said (and maybe I shouldn't have but I did!), "You sleep at dad's with Ms. C there, what's the big deal? It isn't like he will be sleeping over, he is leaving shortly." She shoots back with, "Yeah but she lives there." (which I figured but didn't know for sure)
At this point I was getting pissed to all hell! What the f$ck does that matter!!! I have known Goofball much longer than the ex has been dating her!!!(17mths to his 6 mths) Why should I be held to a higher standard than their dad??? (If I really let myself think about it, I could figure it out but its not fair.... and yeah, I know how childish it sounds to say, "Its not fair." )
K has been saying stuff like this a lot lately. I swear some of it sounds like it is straight from her dad's mouth! She keeps saying how sarcastic I am. I mean hello, if you have known me all of 5 minutes you know I am sarcastic about 99% of the time. Why is she pointing it out now? I really know why because her dad always told me how sarcastic I was. Ugh!
I basically was very childish and said she had to get over it, he was staying longer and she had to sleep.
But, I'm just so .... ugh! Just why? I'm so mad. I'm so hurt. Why does he get to have a life? Why can't I? Do I have to start sneaking around to see Goofball? I do not think so. Damn it!!! I'm a grown woman.
I am really trying to be sensitive to them. I really am. But at some point, my dating is going to cross with them. They have got to understand.
I know (or at least hope) that someday she will understand. This is just one of those things I hate about being a single mom. Blah!
So tonight Goofball came over to hang out. Long story short, I don't have living room furniture right now so we were watching TV in my room. Door open, on top of the covers, completely clothed, not even sitting very close. I think we were holding hands, maybe.
This was around 9, so I started to get the kids ready for bed (well really just telling them because they are all big enough to know what to do, except maybe L.... but really he is 5).
Well an hour later and they were still not really settled. Giggling and kept coming in the room for stuff. So I went in the other room (they all wanted to sleep in the same room) to kinda fuss at them. Well K said, "I'm not comfortable going to sleep while Goofball is still here." I said (and maybe I shouldn't have but I did!), "You sleep at dad's with Ms. C there, what's the big deal? It isn't like he will be sleeping over, he is leaving shortly." She shoots back with, "Yeah but she lives there." (which I figured but didn't know for sure)
At this point I was getting pissed to all hell! What the f$ck does that matter!!! I have known Goofball much longer than the ex has been dating her!!!(17mths to his 6 mths) Why should I be held to a higher standard than their dad??? (If I really let myself think about it, I could figure it out but its not fair.... and yeah, I know how childish it sounds to say, "Its not fair." )
K has been saying stuff like this a lot lately. I swear some of it sounds like it is straight from her dad's mouth! She keeps saying how sarcastic I am. I mean hello, if you have known me all of 5 minutes you know I am sarcastic about 99% of the time. Why is she pointing it out now? I really know why because her dad always told me how sarcastic I was. Ugh!
I basically was very childish and said she had to get over it, he was staying longer and she had to sleep.
But, I'm just so .... ugh! Just why? I'm so mad. I'm so hurt. Why does he get to have a life? Why can't I? Do I have to start sneaking around to see Goofball? I do not think so. Damn it!!! I'm a grown woman.
I am really trying to be sensitive to them. I really am. But at some point, my dating is going to cross with them. They have got to understand.
I know (or at least hope) that someday she will understand. This is just one of those things I hate about being a single mom. Blah!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Another season comes to an end
Dale Jr will be heading over to his new race team for the 2008 season. He didn't end on a positive note but it really was par for the course for this season.
Jimmie Johnson won the Nextel Cup for a second year in a row. H is happy as this is the driver he likes the most. He is the driver I really dislike and not because he is a bad driver. Far from it. I hate to say but yes, he is a great driver!
So now I have to start the count down to the new season. It opens in Daytona and the big event is Feb 17th..... the Daytona 500!!!!!
Stay tuned race fans!
Jimmie Johnson won the Nextel Cup for a second year in a row. H is happy as this is the driver he likes the most. He is the driver I really dislike and not because he is a bad driver. Far from it. I hate to say but yes, he is a great driver!
So now I have to start the count down to the new season. It opens in Daytona and the big event is Feb 17th..... the Daytona 500!!!!!
Stay tuned race fans!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Well it happened!
My daughter is now taller than me. It is just a teeny, tiny bit but she is officially taller than me now. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it would be soon but still when we were both standing in the bathroom and she said, "Am I taller than you now?".... I had a moment of "Oh no... not yet!" but she is. She is 13. It is kinda weird to have a child taller than me but they all will be. There dad is tall. His family is tall. Heck a lot of people in my family are tall too.
But, the day my youngest is taller than me, and he will be.... and probably the tallest of the three, now that will be a weird day for me (good day!). He is just my little baby right now (5 yrs old). I just am amazed by him daily....
Anyway, one child taller, two more to go.
But, the day my youngest is taller than me, and he will be.... and probably the tallest of the three, now that will be a weird day for me (good day!). He is just my little baby right now (5 yrs old). I just am amazed by him daily....
Anyway, one child taller, two more to go.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Quote of the Day
Have you noticed in my sidebar the quote of the day? If not, here it is for today.
Quote of the Day
Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life.
John F. Kennedy
When I divorced, I vowed to myself that I would not settle for second. I would not lower my standards for anyone. I deserve to be treated a certain way. I deserve to be happy.
And, that is what I have set out to do.
I just thought it was a good quote for today and how I have been feeling.
Quote of the Day
Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life.
John F. Kennedy
When I divorced, I vowed to myself that I would not settle for second. I would not lower my standards for anyone. I deserve to be treated a certain way. I deserve to be happy.
And, that is what I have set out to do.
I just thought it was a good quote for today and how I have been feeling.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
More Therapy
So last Monday, I started going to counseling again. Actually, this time it is me and the kiddos. However, being our first session, it was mostly about me and the kids had to sit in the waiting room most of the time. They were not happy but mama has got to get her head fixed first.
I got a ton of great info and support from it. I feel such a relief. I huge weight lifted.
But, I guess one of the most freeing things I got from it was the information he gave me about codependency. This was something I was very worried about when I started dating. I know myself and I know I can be very codependent and very clingy.... and really aren't they pretty much the same thing. (at least to guys)
So anyway, talking with him, he gave me a hand out about codependency. I was so surprised to see the characteristics and the signs of being codependent. That used to be me! I felt so awesome as I read through the list.
Signs of Being stuck in codependent patterns are:
1. Focus only on the behavioral needs of partners, rather than our own.
2. We elicit behaviors from our partners which reinforce our belief that they need us.
3. We constantly misinterpret their needs, their wants and their feelings for our own.
4. We consistently behave toward our partners in ways which maintain their neediness.
5. We misinterpret our own behavior as loving, when we are actually manipulating and controlling.
6. We interact with our partners in codependent ways rather than interdependent ways.
This next part is the part I really see myself in. Almost every single one of the below, I can say yes, oh yes, Definitely me.... or I really mean "old" me.... Not at all me now.
Then Codependent Characteristics are:
1. Come from dysfunctional home where emotional needs were not met.
2. Received little real nurturing and tries to fill unmet need by becoming a caregiver.
3. Terrified of abandonment and do whatever is necessary to keep a relationship going.
4. Nothing is too much trouble or takes too much time if it will "help" the one you love.
5. Accustomed to a lack of love, willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
6. Taking on far more responsibility, guilt or blame in the relationship than the partner does.
7. Low self-esteem and feel undeserving of happiness.
8. Little security growing up with a consequent need to control partner.
9. Much more aware of the dream of how relationship "could be" rather than the reality of "what is".
10. Addicted to partner and to emotional pain.
11. Possible abuse of food, alcohol, drugs.
12. Drawn to people who need "fixing" thereby avoiding focus on self.
13. Clinging to excitement of unstable relationship helps avoiddepressive episodes.
14. Often find kind, stable, reliable persons who are interested in the person, boring.
Some people might argue that I still fit many of these, but I just don't feel it, don't see it. Not like I used to be anyway. I mean I won't argue that to some degree I still could fit some of the characteristics. However, I feel like I get farther and farther from this codependent behavior everyday. I plan to just keep working on it too.
I go back to counseling on this next Monday. I am looking forward to it and I have a list that I am working on of things I would like to discuss. I do still feel a huge burden as a single mom.... but I am feeling the burden shrink. It just took admitting that I couldn't handle it alone anymore.
I got a ton of great info and support from it. I feel such a relief. I huge weight lifted.
But, I guess one of the most freeing things I got from it was the information he gave me about codependency. This was something I was very worried about when I started dating. I know myself and I know I can be very codependent and very clingy.... and really aren't they pretty much the same thing. (at least to guys)
So anyway, talking with him, he gave me a hand out about codependency. I was so surprised to see the characteristics and the signs of being codependent. That used to be me! I felt so awesome as I read through the list.
Signs of Being stuck in codependent patterns are:
1. Focus only on the behavioral needs of partners, rather than our own.
2. We elicit behaviors from our partners which reinforce our belief that they need us.
3. We constantly misinterpret their needs, their wants and their feelings for our own.
4. We consistently behave toward our partners in ways which maintain their neediness.
5. We misinterpret our own behavior as loving, when we are actually manipulating and controlling.
6. We interact with our partners in codependent ways rather than interdependent ways.
This next part is the part I really see myself in. Almost every single one of the below, I can say yes, oh yes, Definitely me.... or I really mean "old" me.... Not at all me now.
Then Codependent Characteristics are:
1. Come from dysfunctional home where emotional needs were not met.
2. Received little real nurturing and tries to fill unmet need by becoming a caregiver.
3. Terrified of abandonment and do whatever is necessary to keep a relationship going.
4. Nothing is too much trouble or takes too much time if it will "help" the one you love.
5. Accustomed to a lack of love, willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
6. Taking on far more responsibility, guilt or blame in the relationship than the partner does.
7. Low self-esteem and feel undeserving of happiness.
8. Little security growing up with a consequent need to control partner.
9. Much more aware of the dream of how relationship "could be" rather than the reality of "what is".
10. Addicted to partner and to emotional pain.
11. Possible abuse of food, alcohol, drugs.
12. Drawn to people who need "fixing" thereby avoiding focus on self.
13. Clinging to excitement of unstable relationship helps avoiddepressive episodes.
14. Often find kind, stable, reliable persons who are interested in the person, boring.
Some people might argue that I still fit many of these, but I just don't feel it, don't see it. Not like I used to be anyway. I mean I won't argue that to some degree I still could fit some of the characteristics. However, I feel like I get farther and farther from this codependent behavior everyday. I plan to just keep working on it too.
I go back to counseling on this next Monday. I am looking forward to it and I have a list that I am working on of things I would like to discuss. I do still feel a huge burden as a single mom.... but I am feeling the burden shrink. It just took admitting that I couldn't handle it alone anymore.
Monday, November 05, 2007
I love to read
I love reading. I love books. I love words. But, ya know the only thing I hate about reading..... when I get to the end.
I just finished up two books this weekend (actually one just 2 minutes ago). I loved them both. Since I could read, I have. Everything I could get my hands on. Funny thing, it used to drive my ex crazy! We would be at home watching a movie, maybe even something I really wanted to see, but yet I would also be sitting there reading a book. I told him I could do both! I was a good multi-tasker.
Anyway, to my dismay, my children never picked up this habit. I used to read to them. I always made sure they had books. Made sure they saw me reading and enjoying my books. And, when I say I am always reading..... I am.
Well lately my children have started reading. I could not be more thrilled!!! In fact, K is going to a book club party thing tomorrow for the book Twilight. H loves the Magic TreeHouse Books! And L is just starting to read, but he is my only one that has always been able to sit forever and look through books.
So while I don't have very exciting interests and hobbies, I do love to read and the best part of reading is that I can be anyone, anywhere and at anytime. It is great! It is like I have a very interesting life, full of adventure without every leaving my house.
I just finished up two books this weekend (actually one just 2 minutes ago). I loved them both. Since I could read, I have. Everything I could get my hands on. Funny thing, it used to drive my ex crazy! We would be at home watching a movie, maybe even something I really wanted to see, but yet I would also be sitting there reading a book. I told him I could do both! I was a good multi-tasker.
Anyway, to my dismay, my children never picked up this habit. I used to read to them. I always made sure they had books. Made sure they saw me reading and enjoying my books. And, when I say I am always reading..... I am.
Well lately my children have started reading. I could not be more thrilled!!! In fact, K is going to a book club party thing tomorrow for the book Twilight. H loves the Magic TreeHouse Books! And L is just starting to read, but he is my only one that has always been able to sit forever and look through books.
So while I don't have very exciting interests and hobbies, I do love to read and the best part of reading is that I can be anyone, anywhere and at anytime. It is great! It is like I have a very interesting life, full of adventure without every leaving my house.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Christmas Music
Is it too early for Christmas Music? If stores can decorate for Christmas the day after Halloween, I think I can queue up the ole Christmas Music (which, yes, is playing right now at my house!). Burn a CD for the car. Singing in the shower. Drive my children crazy with it all.
Well I don't think its too early. I need the cheering up for one. For two, I like Christmas time. What's that? You are right. I do not like holidays that are over commercialized, very true. And, yes Christmas definitely is but I guess I look past that because of the meaning it has to me.
I have to admit here that I'm not uber Christian but I do believe..... something. I always say I'm more agnostic than anything else but it would just really take toooo long to explain what I believe and I didn't come to it easily. But I'm not going into religious beliefs or how I came to be this way.
Let's just say Christmas means something different to everyone even if you are of the same religious beliefs. My memories and my experiences are much different.
Plus, oh people please keep him in your thoughts, my brother (B) will be HOME FROM IRAQ!!!!! Just about a month more and he will be back at Ft. Hood!!!!! This is why this Christmas is so important. Also my younger brother (J) said he would come home when B comes home. J lives in Colorado with his fam.
This Christmas will also be a little sad. It is the first time I will be actually handing my children over to their father for the holiday. Well actually, I shouldn't sound so down about it, I am actually giving them over the day after Christmas but whatever. It is time I get used to the idea of this though because this is my life now. But hopefully this arrangement will work for everyone. He gets them the second half of the Winter Break.
So really the question and the reason for this post, is it too early for Christmas music?
Well I don't think its too early. I need the cheering up for one. For two, I like Christmas time. What's that? You are right. I do not like holidays that are over commercialized, very true. And, yes Christmas definitely is but I guess I look past that because of the meaning it has to me.
I have to admit here that I'm not uber Christian but I do believe..... something. I always say I'm more agnostic than anything else but it would just really take toooo long to explain what I believe and I didn't come to it easily. But I'm not going into religious beliefs or how I came to be this way.
Let's just say Christmas means something different to everyone even if you are of the same religious beliefs. My memories and my experiences are much different.
Plus, oh people please keep him in your thoughts, my brother (B) will be HOME FROM IRAQ!!!!! Just about a month more and he will be back at Ft. Hood!!!!! This is why this Christmas is so important. Also my younger brother (J) said he would come home when B comes home. J lives in Colorado with his fam.
This Christmas will also be a little sad. It is the first time I will be actually handing my children over to their father for the holiday. Well actually, I shouldn't sound so down about it, I am actually giving them over the day after Christmas but whatever. It is time I get used to the idea of this though because this is my life now. But hopefully this arrangement will work for everyone. He gets them the second half of the Winter Break.
So really the question and the reason for this post, is it too early for Christmas music?
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Life update or just random crap
So I haven't written here for a week now and really my blogging has all gone down hill.
I have a ton of notes and ideas, but that is as far as my brain will let me go.
I have been amazingly stressed, busy and physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm disappointed with my life and happy at the same time. How can something be so right and so wrong at the same time?
It is really hard to live life. Even harder being a single parent. Even harder when the other doesn't help. Even harder when the support you thought you had suddenly disappoints you.
And don't get me wrong, I do not for one second regret getting divorced. My life, though hard at times without that partner, that support, that companion, it is 100% better than it was with him. he was just the wrong person for me.
Anyway, with the kids showing all kinds of signs of distress and my own fragile feelings right now, I contacted our Employee Assistance Program representative and got the ball rolling for some family counseling. K is resistant to the idea. I said if she resisted that I would beat her with it. She said, "with IT".... yes I know what I said and I did mean that. I would beat her with her resistant attitude. See I always say dumb things that. It keeps the kids guessing.
So anyway, taking steps to right the wrongs, fix the owies of our hearts and hopefully I can shake off this funk!
So that's life right now. Wish us luck at therapy! We need this right now.
I have a ton of notes and ideas, but that is as far as my brain will let me go.
I have been amazingly stressed, busy and physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm disappointed with my life and happy at the same time. How can something be so right and so wrong at the same time?
It is really hard to live life. Even harder being a single parent. Even harder when the other doesn't help. Even harder when the support you thought you had suddenly disappoints you.
And don't get me wrong, I do not for one second regret getting divorced. My life, though hard at times without that partner, that support, that companion, it is 100% better than it was with him. he was just the wrong person for me.
Anyway, with the kids showing all kinds of signs of distress and my own fragile feelings right now, I contacted our Employee Assistance Program representative and got the ball rolling for some family counseling. K is resistant to the idea. I said if she resisted that I would beat her with it. She said, "with IT".... yes I know what I said and I did mean that. I would beat her with her resistant attitude. See I always say dumb things that. It keeps the kids guessing.
So anyway, taking steps to right the wrongs, fix the owies of our hearts and hopefully I can shake off this funk!
So that's life right now. Wish us luck at therapy! We need this right now.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
I'm back and a party
Sooo I made it back after a very successful work trip. Had an awesome time in New Orleans. Good food and good people. I did miss Goofball while I was gone... I know its weird because its not like I get to see him everyday. Lately it has been once a week.... sometimes twice a week and even sometimes not at all in a week.
Anyway, came back last night (Friday) and today we are having a party.... K is having a party. So I have a house full (ask Goofball) of kids.... ranging from 14 down to say age 5 (my youngest). It is fun.... Goofball came over. Sooo cute, he wore a costume. I think he had fun laughing at the kids or me, I'm not sure which. Either way it was great to see him.
So the party is going on all around me. Since most of the kids are 7th and 8th graders, and there are boys and girls, it is a lot of drama. They keep running from the back yard to the front to the back to the front.... And the girls keep running in groups to K's room and the bathroom. They boys keep trying to scare the girls by hiding and then jumping out. All of them have their cell phones and keep calling other kids that aren't here and kinda bragging about how they are at this party.
There is about an hour left before I start kicking people out. And, I can't wait! I'm exhausted.
Soooo that is the news from my edge of the world.
Anyway, came back last night (Friday) and today we are having a party.... K is having a party. So I have a house full (ask Goofball) of kids.... ranging from 14 down to say age 5 (my youngest). It is fun.... Goofball came over. Sooo cute, he wore a costume. I think he had fun laughing at the kids or me, I'm not sure which. Either way it was great to see him.
So the party is going on all around me. Since most of the kids are 7th and 8th graders, and there are boys and girls, it is a lot of drama. They keep running from the back yard to the front to the back to the front.... And the girls keep running in groups to K's room and the bathroom. They boys keep trying to scare the girls by hiding and then jumping out. All of them have their cell phones and keep calling other kids that aren't here and kinda bragging about how they are at this party.
There is about an hour left before I start kicking people out. And, I can't wait! I'm exhausted.
Soooo that is the news from my edge of the world.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Travelin' for work
Tomorrow I'll be back in New Orleans for the third time in about 6 mths. Not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. I mean on one hand yeah cuz they have great food, it is a different city and I get a break from the kiddos. But, then I will be working my tail off! and I will miss my kids and while I don't normally see Goofball during the week, I know I will miss him in a way too cuz I know I'm hours away. I know I'm weird, oh well.
Anyway, back this weekend.
EJ has left the building.
Anyway, back this weekend.
EJ has left the building.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Another saturday night and.....
I'm an affectionate person. I like to touch, kiss, hug and I like to be touched, kissed and hugged.
My ex was not. He didn't hold my hand. The few times he did, I could tell he didn't want to. So it just felt wrong. He kissed me but only to initiate sex.... and then it was over as quick as it started. He didn't kiss me during. Just some kissing before and it was over. Now on this note, I have never had sex with someone that I didn't like to kiss so this was something that changed in him really quickly. We used to kiss a lot when we first started dating but.... it didn't last even the first year. Then on the hugging. He would let me hug him but rarely did he put his arms around me.
*sigh*
Oh well moment over.
So tonight I enjoyed all three and it was so nice. I think it makes the sex better too. I mean for me, not sure if it does for him.... (grin)
Anyway, another wonderful, amazing night with Goofball. He looked damn sexy tonight, more than usually.... Yum. I was having a really hard time tending to the food because really all I wanted to do was drag him to the floor or the bed or where ever. I had to have him.
Thanks for a fun night, Goofball. Glad you enjoyed dinner and dessert. It was fun to cook for you. I'm glad everything turned out okay... I wasn't too crazy about the chicken though it wasn't terrible. Next time something with beef. I like beef. I'm from Texas. :)
Anyway, I get the kiddos tomorrow at noon. Gotta drive up half way and pick them up. I'm enjoying my break but I will be glad to get them back. I'm having some weird mommy guilt over handing them over to a man that had just an hour before threatened my cats and then just before walking out half joked about not giving me the kids back. WTF?! So I will be anxious to get to the pick up location and then get my babies back where they belong.
Oh and I'm complaining a lot about money lately but mostly because Dec 25th is just around the corner. I don't really worry toooo much about money. A little but who doesn't? But, right now I'm feeling the pressure of the Big day. It will be fine though. I am just going to work a plan and stick to it. The kids really don't need much and I have already let the big kids know things will be a bit tighter than normal. So we shall see.
And that in a nutshell is my Saturday night. Of course I'm singing "Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, I got some money cuz I just got paid..." Love that song!
My ex was not. He didn't hold my hand. The few times he did, I could tell he didn't want to. So it just felt wrong. He kissed me but only to initiate sex.... and then it was over as quick as it started. He didn't kiss me during. Just some kissing before and it was over. Now on this note, I have never had sex with someone that I didn't like to kiss so this was something that changed in him really quickly. We used to kiss a lot when we first started dating but.... it didn't last even the first year. Then on the hugging. He would let me hug him but rarely did he put his arms around me.
*sigh*
Oh well moment over.
So tonight I enjoyed all three and it was so nice. I think it makes the sex better too. I mean for me, not sure if it does for him.... (grin)
Anyway, another wonderful, amazing night with Goofball. He looked damn sexy tonight, more than usually.... Yum. I was having a really hard time tending to the food because really all I wanted to do was drag him to the floor or the bed or where ever. I had to have him.
Thanks for a fun night, Goofball. Glad you enjoyed dinner and dessert. It was fun to cook for you. I'm glad everything turned out okay... I wasn't too crazy about the chicken though it wasn't terrible. Next time something with beef. I like beef. I'm from Texas. :)
Anyway, I get the kiddos tomorrow at noon. Gotta drive up half way and pick them up. I'm enjoying my break but I will be glad to get them back. I'm having some weird mommy guilt over handing them over to a man that had just an hour before threatened my cats and then just before walking out half joked about not giving me the kids back. WTF?! So I will be anxious to get to the pick up location and then get my babies back where they belong.
Oh and I'm complaining a lot about money lately but mostly because Dec 25th is just around the corner. I don't really worry toooo much about money. A little but who doesn't? But, right now I'm feeling the pressure of the Big day. It will be fine though. I am just going to work a plan and stick to it. The kids really don't need much and I have already let the big kids know things will be a bit tighter than normal. So we shall see.
And that in a nutshell is my Saturday night. Of course I'm singing "Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, I got some money cuz I just got paid..." Love that song!
Another random 7
Aimee over at GreebleMonkey tagged me with the 7 random facts. (Kisses, Aimee!)
Before I get started I wanted to talk about this PIM thing aka Psycho Internet Moms. Now I can't remember who started this, I'm thinking Julie's hubby did. All I remember is it was a hubby.
Anyway, so these PIMs are some of my best friends. They have been in my life for nearly 6 yrs. Wow, has it been nearly 6 yrs??? I guess so. They are my support system when I couldn't share with my family and felt all alone. They have been there for so many things. Talked me through my moves and divorce and my depression. We have shared pregnancies, births, deaths, illness, new jobs, new homes, new pets, recipes and sex stories. We have shared children's firsts, tips on parenting, tips on cleaning, tips on tipping and pictures and so much more.
I can't wait until the day I can say I have meet each and every single one of you.... and I'm getting close!
Okay enough mushy on the random 7.
Not gonna post the rules, ya know 'em, right?
1. I have been to just over half the states in the US. Most of them in a car.
2. I am a horrible speller and I have a lot of trouble with phonics. I can't sound out words. I have tried, tried, tried. I just can't.
3. I'm a really bad house keeper. I hate cleaning! (which is what I'm suppose to be doing right now).
4. I have all kinds of weird things I say. Some are quotes from TV shows, movies and commercials. Some are things we said growing up and then some are just picked up here and there.
5. The same doctor (at the same hospital) that delivered my mom, delivered me and my two younger brothers.
6. I sing in the car. I sing in the shower. I sing all the time. Simon would put on the list of the World's worst.... that's okay, I just don't sing in front of anyone but my kids!
7. I want a dog.
And, that's it. I will not be tagging anyone. Feel free to do it on your own. Let me know if you do! I would love to read it!
Before I get started I wanted to talk about this PIM thing aka Psycho Internet Moms. Now I can't remember who started this, I'm thinking Julie's hubby did. All I remember is it was a hubby.
Anyway, so these PIMs are some of my best friends. They have been in my life for nearly 6 yrs. Wow, has it been nearly 6 yrs??? I guess so. They are my support system when I couldn't share with my family and felt all alone. They have been there for so many things. Talked me through my moves and divorce and my depression. We have shared pregnancies, births, deaths, illness, new jobs, new homes, new pets, recipes and sex stories. We have shared children's firsts, tips on parenting, tips on cleaning, tips on tipping and pictures and so much more.
I can't wait until the day I can say I have meet each and every single one of you.... and I'm getting close!
Okay enough mushy on the random 7.
Not gonna post the rules, ya know 'em, right?
1. I have been to just over half the states in the US. Most of them in a car.
2. I am a horrible speller and I have a lot of trouble with phonics. I can't sound out words. I have tried, tried, tried. I just can't.
3. I'm a really bad house keeper. I hate cleaning! (which is what I'm suppose to be doing right now).
4. I have all kinds of weird things I say. Some are quotes from TV shows, movies and commercials. Some are things we said growing up and then some are just picked up here and there.
5. The same doctor (at the same hospital) that delivered my mom, delivered me and my two younger brothers.
6. I sing in the car. I sing in the shower. I sing all the time. Simon would put on the list of the World's worst.... that's okay, I just don't sing in front of anyone but my kids!
7. I want a dog.
And, that's it. I will not be tagging anyone. Feel free to do it on your own. Let me know if you do! I would love to read it!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Can you hear that?
It is the sound of mom getting a much needed break!
So the dad came alllllll the way from The Big D to get the kiddos. I wish I could say I was happy about that. Oh I am but it meant having him in my house. He has always been an ass about my cats and my housecleaning.... and my weight and a ton of other issues that I could see the gears turning in his head.
As it is, he told me that if he had these cats, he would have fed them to a couple rottweilers. Seriously? You're an asshole!
I don't care. I get a break. I have been so busy at work. Beyond busy! So I really need the rest.
Gonna spend time relaxing (read - sleep), some cleaning and then some time with Goofball too.
That's it. That's my plan. It sounds excellent to me.
FYI - I am going to be uber busy from now until Thanksgiving so if I'm not commenting to your blog, its lack of time and energy, not lack of interest!!!!! And, if I'm not writing much in my own, its pretty much the same reason. I'll be in New Orleans next week! Goooood foood!
So the dad came alllllll the way from The Big D to get the kiddos. I wish I could say I was happy about that. Oh I am but it meant having him in my house. He has always been an ass about my cats and my housecleaning.... and my weight and a ton of other issues that I could see the gears turning in his head.
As it is, he told me that if he had these cats, he would have fed them to a couple rottweilers. Seriously? You're an asshole!
I don't care. I get a break. I have been so busy at work. Beyond busy! So I really need the rest.
Gonna spend time relaxing (read - sleep), some cleaning and then some time with Goofball too.
That's it. That's my plan. It sounds excellent to me.
FYI - I am going to be uber busy from now until Thanksgiving so if I'm not commenting to your blog, its lack of time and energy, not lack of interest!!!!! And, if I'm not writing much in my own, its pretty much the same reason. I'll be in New Orleans next week! Goooood foood!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I'm been hit.... save yourself!
Ha, ha. Just kidding.... sort of.
Margaret tagged me with a randoms thing meme. Thanks sweetie. I'm going to forgive you because you are still walking around in the lovey dovey, fresh from your wedding day fog. Plus I like ya!
So here are the rules..... Players start with eight random facts and/or habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged and to read your blog.
Okay so Margaret broke the rules and I plan to as well.... but you will have to wait until the end to see what the broken rule is!
Gosh this is going to be hard because I think I have shared most anything I can think of.....
1. I guess first I will say, I didn't have a wedding ceremony. Justice of the Peace with his boss and some random court house worker that just happened to be in the wrong place, wrong time as our witnesses. Who would have known it would end in divorce?!?!
2. I don't like the smell of microwave popcorn..... at all!
3. I love balloons.
4. I crave information. If I don't know about something, I research. I read. I have to learn.
5. I only get my haircut maybe twice a year.... sometimes, just once a year. But, I do cut my own bangs.... a lot!
6. I do not like scary movies. I also can't stand this time of year when they show all the Halloween movies.
7. I love snowmen! That is my favorite "winter" thing. I could decorate my whole house with snowmen for Christmas/Winter.
8. I love pajamas! I wear them a lot.... a lot, a lot.
Okay so there are my 8. Now I am suppose to tag 8 people.... but here is where I will break the rules. I'm not going to tag anyone. I will say, if you want to do this, do it and leave me a comment so I know to visit your blog!!!!
Enjoy.
Margaret tagged me with a randoms thing meme. Thanks sweetie. I'm going to forgive you because you are still walking around in the lovey dovey, fresh from your wedding day fog. Plus I like ya!
So here are the rules..... Players start with eight random facts and/or habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged and to read your blog.
Okay so Margaret broke the rules and I plan to as well.... but you will have to wait until the end to see what the broken rule is!
Gosh this is going to be hard because I think I have shared most anything I can think of.....
1. I guess first I will say, I didn't have a wedding ceremony. Justice of the Peace with his boss and some random court house worker that just happened to be in the wrong place, wrong time as our witnesses. Who would have known it would end in divorce?!?!
2. I don't like the smell of microwave popcorn..... at all!
3. I love balloons.
4. I crave information. If I don't know about something, I research. I read. I have to learn.
5. I only get my haircut maybe twice a year.... sometimes, just once a year. But, I do cut my own bangs.... a lot!
6. I do not like scary movies. I also can't stand this time of year when they show all the Halloween movies.
7. I love snowmen! That is my favorite "winter" thing. I could decorate my whole house with snowmen for Christmas/Winter.
8. I love pajamas! I wear them a lot.... a lot, a lot.
Okay so there are my 8. Now I am suppose to tag 8 people.... but here is where I will break the rules. I'm not going to tag anyone. I will say, if you want to do this, do it and leave me a comment so I know to visit your blog!!!!
Enjoy.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Bring on the rain
This song is sung by Jo Dee Messina. It really explains how I feel right now.
Like gosh, I got through another crazy, stressful day... what more could go wrong? how much more can I take of this? But, screw it, I'm up for the challenge.... Bring it on cuz I like the challenge. I'm up for it.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
I mean heck I'm trying to teach my kids this very thing. Be strong. Don't let life get you down, don't cry. Stand up, stand strong and keep on truckin'.
Soooo anyway, this was just something I thought of while driving home stuck in traffic.
Bring on the rain.
(Update: I decided to add the video to it.... as you can see....)
Like gosh, I got through another crazy, stressful day... what more could go wrong? how much more can I take of this? But, screw it, I'm up for the challenge.... Bring it on cuz I like the challenge. I'm up for it.
This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
I mean heck I'm trying to teach my kids this very thing. Be strong. Don't let life get you down, don't cry. Stand up, stand strong and keep on truckin'.
Soooo anyway, this was just something I thought of while driving home stuck in traffic.
Bring on the rain.
(Update: I decided to add the video to it.... as you can see....)
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Teaching my daughter to date
.... and learning a little along the way myself!
This is something I never really thought we would be doing at the same time, or I mean I never thought I would be divorced and dating. And while my daughter is still a bit young (13), she is starting to have "boyfriends".... with this and my dating, I am trying to teach her. I also find that I am learning with her and from her. My boys, especially the oldest one, are also a big help. To see things through his eyes.... well, it is a fun and interesting learning experience!
So some of the things I want her to know are:
1. Do not settle for someone that doesn't make you happy, that doesn't respect you and that just is very thoughtless. Do not waste time being unhappy. In that same line of thinking, do not be disrespectful and do not be thoughtless. Make this person happy and you will reap the benefits.
2. Pick your battles. Not everything has to be a fight. Decide what things are important to you and only fight those things. It makes you both a lot happier.
3. Understand the difference between busy and busy. If he does not make time to see you and only contacts you when it is very convenient for him, then he probably isn't into you. But, if he truly is busy, chances are he is going to make time for you when he isn't and he will be excited to see you each time!
4. Observe how he is with other people; most especially with seniors citizens, children and animals. If he is respectful, thoughtful and in general nice to them, he probably will be to you as well. Plus it shows he has good character. (or at least I think so!)
5. Respect guy time. It is important for him to spend time away from you and especially good if you show you trust him and respect him while he does whatever guys do. But also make sure you do stuff yourself. Have a hobby or a good friend or some interest that you can do. Being a couple and being together is great, but having some space can make you appreciate your time together too.
6. Let him be a guy. What ever that means for him, be it silly jokes, goofy behavior, watching Sci-Fi, football every Sunday and Monday. It doesn't matter. Understand this is who he is. Don't try to change him. Don't let him change you either. The point of a relationship is to be yourself and this person should bring out the best in you, not the worst.
7. Communicate your feelings to him. Do not drop hints and do not expect that he can read your mind. He may sometimes get lucky and do what you were wanting but it isn't mind reading. Accept it.
8. Do not play games and do not stay with someone that does.
9. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
10. And lastly, decide what things are important to you, such as, good conversation, a good sense of humor or whatever it is. Find someone that has these things. The bottom line is not to settle. There are too many people out there.
I am sure there are more lessons and more things but for me, right now, these are the most important. I want her to know that she does not have to live unhappy, that she can find someone to fit her standards.
These are good lessons for everyone.... I just hope that I can keep her from making some of the same mistakes I did in the past and while I know she will get hurt, I hope this will minimize that a bit.
This is something I never really thought we would be doing at the same time, or I mean I never thought I would be divorced and dating. And while my daughter is still a bit young (13), she is starting to have "boyfriends".... with this and my dating, I am trying to teach her. I also find that I am learning with her and from her. My boys, especially the oldest one, are also a big help. To see things through his eyes.... well, it is a fun and interesting learning experience!
So some of the things I want her to know are:
1. Do not settle for someone that doesn't make you happy, that doesn't respect you and that just is very thoughtless. Do not waste time being unhappy. In that same line of thinking, do not be disrespectful and do not be thoughtless. Make this person happy and you will reap the benefits.
2. Pick your battles. Not everything has to be a fight. Decide what things are important to you and only fight those things. It makes you both a lot happier.
3. Understand the difference between busy and busy. If he does not make time to see you and only contacts you when it is very convenient for him, then he probably isn't into you. But, if he truly is busy, chances are he is going to make time for you when he isn't and he will be excited to see you each time!
4. Observe how he is with other people; most especially with seniors citizens, children and animals. If he is respectful, thoughtful and in general nice to them, he probably will be to you as well. Plus it shows he has good character. (or at least I think so!)
5. Respect guy time. It is important for him to spend time away from you and especially good if you show you trust him and respect him while he does whatever guys do. But also make sure you do stuff yourself. Have a hobby or a good friend or some interest that you can do. Being a couple and being together is great, but having some space can make you appreciate your time together too.
6. Let him be a guy. What ever that means for him, be it silly jokes, goofy behavior, watching Sci-Fi, football every Sunday and Monday. It doesn't matter. Understand this is who he is. Don't try to change him. Don't let him change you either. The point of a relationship is to be yourself and this person should bring out the best in you, not the worst.
7. Communicate your feelings to him. Do not drop hints and do not expect that he can read your mind. He may sometimes get lucky and do what you were wanting but it isn't mind reading. Accept it.
8. Do not play games and do not stay with someone that does.
9. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
10. And lastly, decide what things are important to you, such as, good conversation, a good sense of humor or whatever it is. Find someone that has these things. The bottom line is not to settle. There are too many people out there.
I am sure there are more lessons and more things but for me, right now, these are the most important. I want her to know that she does not have to live unhappy, that she can find someone to fit her standards.
These are good lessons for everyone.... I just hope that I can keep her from making some of the same mistakes I did in the past and while I know she will get hurt, I hope this will minimize that a bit.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Good parenting day!
I admit it a lot of my problems as a parent come with my style of parenting. I am very open and honest with my kids. I am very hands off in a way because I let them express themselves and tend to be more their friend then mom, though I do remind them often of my role. I am bad with discipline and often don't follow through as well as I should.
Also I worry, as I have mentioned before, that my kids are smarter than me. If one day they realize this, I will be in some serious trouble!
With that said, I do not think I'm a bad mom at all. No not at all. I think this just works for us and while it sometimes causes me some stress, overall, we do good together.
Today, though, was just a banner day for me. I am floating, walking on the clouds.... Why? Because all my children were good today. They listened. They each had a good day at school. They listened to me!!! I didn't have to nag. We had a really, really good evening too.
I just feel really good as a parent right now!
Also I worry, as I have mentioned before, that my kids are smarter than me. If one day they realize this, I will be in some serious trouble!
With that said, I do not think I'm a bad mom at all. No not at all. I think this just works for us and while it sometimes causes me some stress, overall, we do good together.
Today, though, was just a banner day for me. I am floating, walking on the clouds.... Why? Because all my children were good today. They listened. They each had a good day at school. They listened to me!!! I didn't have to nag. We had a really, really good evening too.
I just feel really good as a parent right now!
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