Thursday, March 13, 2008

Open letter to my ex

Dear M,

I want to discuss this drama between you and K. You have never seemed to understand that the kids need you. You seem to think that being in the same state as them is good enough. That seeing them 2-3x a year and for an extended summer visit is enough. You seem to think calling a few times a week is good enough. But Mister, it is not. They need you. Your daughter is dramatic and seems to have an attitude with you as a front to her real feelings. Don't you get that? She misses you and you barely even consider her feelings in anything you do.

And while I realize that my way of handling things isn't always right. I know you don't agree with my laid back style, it seems to get fairly good results. She trusts me. I validate her feelings. I never tell her she is wrong in how she feels. If that is how she feels, great. Let's talk about it. And, yes again, you don't agree with me on a lot of things. But right or wrong, I think about the children in every decision I make. Every decision. Some of my decisions may not look like it but I try to make smart decisions with them in mind.... of course I can't always. Sometimes I do have to come first and so do you.

However, when you do only see them a few times a year, why ruin those few moments by being a jerk. I see your point in not wanting her to come this week because you know she is going to make things more challenging with her drama and moodiness. But, let me tell you, I do not and would not choose to basically disown her because of some petty drama. She is 13. Do you know what that means? Life sucks to a 13 yr old. It just does. And then in her mind she is not treated well when she is with you. She feels like she should be important to you, that you would almost drop everything to spend time with them. Personally I don't think it is too much to ask when they are with you just a few times a year that you make them the center of attention in a way. I am not saying stop your life completely but hey take an interest. And yes she does close up and get stubborn, don't be a baby and clam up yourself. That is counter productive.

More than anything I just wish you would have a good, positive relationship with all your children. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I should listen to the "no expectations" theory of thinking on this. I just don't think it is too much to ask that you have a good relationship with them though. Is it?

Well I guess that is all I had to say on the matter.


Margaret said...

Life sucks for a 13 year old.

Life REALLY sucks for a 13 year old girl. I remember how hormonal and dramatic I was.

Give her a hug for me. :)

Esmerelda said...

Life sucks for a 13 year old. Then when you're in your 30's you find out the boy that pretyt much shaped your crappy self image liked you enough to try to date you NOW.

that's how bad life sucks at 13.

Builder Mama said...

That age is so tough, especially for girls. I remember just hating everyone and everything around me. Not to mention I had the self esteem of a rock.

M really needs to buck up and be a dad...not FunDad who sees you a few times a year and takes you to Chuck E Cheese, but the one who deals with the teenage angst and all the other BS of raising kids too. That's what real dads do.

Hugs...hopefully he'll pull his head out of his ass and do the right thing.

shuttle mom/belinda said...

M has no idea what he is missing. He'll have no one to blame but himself as she grows older and can refuse to see him.
You are so right about little girls putting up fronts to conceal their real feelings.
Hugs to you and your daughter.

Karen said...

No girl of 13 realises just how much she needs her Dad. I'm 35 and still waiting for my Dad to be what he should be.

TxGambit said...

Thanks everyone!!! It means a lot to know I am not completely crazy. Actually I wish I could tell him that stuff but I get brain freeze (and not the kind that comes from eating ice cream) when I talk to him. He just doesn't listen or care what I have to say most of the time.

He was soooo rude at the drop off on Saturday. I could see the attitude him. I just wanted to load the kids back up and take them home.