Sunday, August 31, 2008

"Our Emotionally Disposable Culture"

This was the name of a blog on IHeartSingleparents.com that really caught my eye. It was written by a guy named Jordan (I hope he doesn't mind me using his name but just giving credit)

I have been reading a lot that he has written and I can't say I disagree with him on much of any of it. He is younger than me but in a lot of ways older because of his level of thinking. I always admire people like this..... the ones that make me think.

Anyway, I replied to him but wanted to write about it because it was so thought provoking that I can't stop thinking about it.

So here is how I took what he wrote: He was saying that our culture has become very disposable in thinking. We have plastic water bottles, but throw them out when they are empty, only to get a new one. The bags we take home from the store - disposable.

Then he said as single parents, (either by choice or not) are we showing our kids that relationships are disposable.... Okay sort of he said I'm really not trying to incite guilt, but to shine a light on the issue that people in general are too quick to change what doesn't fit perfectly.

Wow. That says a lot to me. I started to reply right away but the words didn't form up. So I clicked off and thought about it. Came back read it again. Clicked off.... and after a while I finally came back and replied to him.

My reply was that I hope that my actions do not show my children that relationships are disposable. My ex and I spent a long time trying to work it out. It was 1998 when I knew it had to end and that things with us would not be the same. 8 years later we were both finally able to walk away for good.

You often hear, "Don't give up." "Try and try and then try again".... things like that. (More on this to be published tomorrow)

I didn't give up for a long time. It wasn't something that either of us took lightly. We wanted to make it work as much for the kids as for each other and for all those that say "Marriage is hard."
But at some point you just have to admit that it is okay to walk away. It is okay to give up and it is okay to throw away so to speak. Not in the disposable way but in the "I tried my best but this is a no win situation" kinda way.....

For me, I didn't want my kids to think THAT type of relationship was okay to be in either. I would rather them learn to dispose of rather than sit in a very unhappy to the point of very mental ill relationship. Had I not got out at the point I did, I have no idea if I could be a productive member of society today. I might be locked up in a very soft room where I would mumble to myself in a completely made up world just happy because reality does not exist to me anymore.

Our relationship was very toxic. I am still unpacked and purging emotional baggage from it or finding pieces that still hurt. So are the kids. But each day we get better and the baggage and leftovers gets lighter and fewer.

They see me now, happier, healthier and not rushing into a relationship just for the sake of it. I hope that the choices I am making are showing them that relationships are not disposable. People are not disposable. Our emotions are not disposable.

As for plastic bags and bottles, well it is on my list of things for us to work on.

Recycle, reuse, reduce

4 comments:

Karen said...

A very thought provoking post and one very close to my heart at the moment. I think his analogy is slightly off key as those items he refers to are designed to be disposable. We're expected to rid ourselves of them. But relationships that don't work - like you say, if you work and work and work, and you get no return, you have to walk away before it becomes toxic. That's not disposable, that's sensible.

trappedintime said...

There are those that do treat dating and or relationships as disposable. I can see his analogy. I do think (I guess I'm becoming an old fart) the younger the generation the more disposable everything becomes.

lisaschaos said...

Well, it does take two to make things work. One person can't hold it together for everyone. Not saying you, nor him, no one is a bad guy here, it just takes more than one person to keep a relationship going and YES there are definitely times to walk away whether we want to or not. :(

Brandy said...

((hugs)) I am in (or in the process of getting out of) a mentally/verbally unstable relationship and it's a tough spot to be in. I think that there is a way that people are showing relationships are disposable, but then a way when they are showing that they need to do what is best for themselves and then everything else will fall into place. Which is where I think you're at and where I'm hoping to be soon.