Over the years I have dated many different guys. Most of these of course were pre-marriage and now a few post-marriage. In these different relationships, I have played many different roles. Clingy girl, stalker girl, clingy-stalker girl, fun girl, the best friend girl.... etc....
But one thing that I do try to stick to (except for 2x in my life) is that I am loyal to the man I'm with. Whether we have said "exclusive" or not. I do not like to be with more than one at a time. Period.
So I have been dating goofball for about 5-ish months, talking for 7. If you don't know the story, we meet online.... here.... That was back in June. We chatted mostly via email and then met up in August. We have seen each other a few times a month since and still chat via email (daily), IM (at least once a week) and phone when we can.
Well I saw him this past Friday. We had a good time. But, when it comes time to say good-bye, I hate it because I don't know when I will see him again. Though I know I will see him again but sometimes a lot of time goes by between "meet-ups." Why do I get bummed out? There are so many reasons but I guess the main one is that since most of our communication is email and while this can be a good way to share personal things, be goofy and share daily tidbits of our lifes. We don't get those mannerisms, body language, and tone that you get in person. So it just kind of bums me out because here is this guy I like a lot that seems like an amazing guy but it is almost like when we do get together, it is almost like we don't know each other as well... Weird, but true. Anyway due to life circumstances this is just the way it is. Fine but.... I just really enjoy when we get to spend time together and miss him in between. So sue me!
Anyway, on Friday as we were getting to the good-bye part of the day, I said, "I hate the good-bye part.".... which lead to a conversation that just makes me almost sick to my stomach to think about. While I consider us friends, I am also not ready to walk away from him and be without him in my life... Not yet. I do not want to find or look for some one else to be with right now. Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself. His reply to me was(paraphrased here) to not wait for him, to not pass up someone else and he hopes that I'm still out dating. Hell no! I got really sad at this point. I just want to be with him whatever that is.... and once it ends, I will decide how and when I will move on.
He said he just doesn't want to hurt me. That's fine, hell I don't want to be hurt but let me worry about getting hurt. That is all life and love and relationships and everything is anyway, isn't it? A gamble, a leap of faith. Take a risk or sit on the bleachers watching the world go by, missing out. Which would I choose? I choose to live, take a risk.
Moving on from my marriage was easy. It was time for that to end. But if he tells me that he doesn't want to continue this.... Well I know it will be a while before I jump back into dating again. But, I will just walk away with a smile and a thanks for the good times, memories and just for being my friend.