Sour and Sweet - An Analogy about Men

This is a little gem from Mama Drama Con Queso yesterday! We were talking about men (Kyla, Jenny and I), comparing stories of the sweet and sour things they do. I think it was Jenny that said something like they can be sweet one minute and rotten the next. We agreed and I said, kinda like Sour Patch Kids, huh?


And the analogy was born. However, upon further reflection of the "First they're sour and then they're sweet".... I really think in the case of men it is sweet first.... because hello they want to get "in", ya know? And, then they turn sour. (and really, women, admit it we are the same.)

Anyway, if you aren't familiar, please follow the link to the Sour Patch Kids website. There you can view two of the commercials and it will help explain the whole "First they're sour and then they're sweet" analogy.... :)

Now I have a craving for Sour Patch Kids.

Mama Drama Con Queso!

Mama Drama teamed up with Blog Con Queso to create this GREAT! Lunch today for area bloggers.

It rocked!

I am such a wallflower, introverted homebody that I'm just shocked at myself for saying "I'll be there." How easy would it have been to just not comment? Easy! How hard was it to go? HARD! But, ya know, I meet some really great people. I wouldn't have met these people otherwise.

Now you would think a bunch of people who pretty much just met would have nothing to talk about. I don't think there were any quiet moments the whole time.

There were some folks (Min!) that I didn't get to talk to much at all. I really wanted to sit down with her and chat but maybe soon we can get together. (give me a call sometime, we can chat!)

I have done stuff like this before so not sure why I was nervous. But, when you are meeting internet people.... well you just don't know. I have even gone to Chicago and Baltimore to meet people. Drove to Dallas recently same thing. But those are people I have "known" online for a long time. Love them! (You know who you are!!!) But, still you just don't know. Online dating, same dealio! It is hit or miss.

I really hope that we can do this often and that even more people come. And, maybe we can plan a little more time.

I have a blog to write about from the event. We were talking about guys and well this analogy was used to describe them. Who said it? Oh that would be me!

Anyway, Jenny, Laura, YOU ROCK! Thanks soooo much for putting this together and I'm really excited about future plans. Its just great, great, great!

Today

Today I miss the kids. I miss them a lot. I miss them so much I want to just climb in bed with some of their things and stay there all day.

I won't. I have plans. The best plan is to get the heck out of the house that just has little clues that I have children.

Anyway, just for a little bit, I will let myself miss them and then I will force myself not too.

In Love?

Over at Guy Gets Married, he has been talking about love a lot, well and light sabers! We all need one of those. (Oh and I need to give him a big ole thank you for the searches! My $$ jumped a bit.... Everyone click the ads and use the Google search on the sidebar, please?!)

Anywho.....

He is 35 and said that a recent girlfriend was the first time he thinks he was in love. I commented that I don't even know if I was in love with my now-ex-husband. Oh I loved him but to be "in love".... what is that? I am 34 and have I been in love? Yes maybe. I think I was with JJ my ex from high school. However, I don't think it was a fully mature love or grown up love? Not sure what I mean..... We were kids. Only 17 years old! We dated for about a year exclusively and then off and on for another year. I feel very different about him today. I love him to pieces! But, he is just an amazing friend.

Then there is M, my ex-h. Like I said, I don't think I was in love with him. I think I was in love with the idea of husband and wife and couple and a family. While I learned to love him, I just don't think I was in love with him and yes there is a huge difference.

Then there was J. He was several years ago when the ex and I had separated the first time.... with every intention of getting a divorce (but as history shows we didn't until years later)..... Anyway, I thought I was in love with him too. I honestly don't think I was. Again, I think it was the idea of someone new. We had great conversations and great sex, but that was about it.

These aren't the only guys I have dated/been with, but they are the ones that if I was in love.... these would be the 3.

Am I ready for that again? I don't know. I know that if there is a new husband in my future. I will only do it if I am in love. Not just the idea of it. How will I know the difference? I don't know. I just think I will know when the time comes. I feel like I was lost before. I now feel like I know who I am, what I want and I know I have a lot to give.

So anyway, to GuyGM..... there ya go babe. Do it for love, nothing else. And make sure it is not just the "idea" of it.

:)

Children and Body Image

So I talked to the ex today to see how the kids were doing. I didn't get to talk to them but will try to talk to them later. Anyway he was telling me all the things they are doing/not doing.

Like their "new" eating habits and the fact that they are all having to weigh in every Sunday morning. He measured and weighed them, and had them set weight lose goals. K is (almost) 13 years old, 5'5" and weighs @140 lbs. H is 11, 4' 11" and weighs @130 lbs. L is (almost) 5 and is 3'10" weighing in around 45 lbs. Okay not terrible but the two older ones are a bit on the heavy side, more H than K though.

Now this isn't a big deal, really BUT given his history with me and them, I am sooo worried about my children. Will they get an eating disorder? Will they always worry about their body and have a poor body image of themselves? They are all already on their way to it.

K always skips meals. H overeats after he talks to his dad on the phone. and L is only 5 and is always talking about being fat (which he is NOT).

Don't get me wrong some of the things he has done and is doing are great! He is talking to them about "choices" and not allowing them to eat a bunch of junk. He also tries to keep them active.

Things I do as well but I am at fault for their weight problems in the first place! I have a million excuses and reasons for doing this but a lot of times we eat out. There really is no good excuse and I started taking a lot of steps in the right direction with this.

I started making weekly menus and sticking to them. I also discussed with them good choices versus bad, portion sizes and talked to K about not skipping meals.

When they get back from their dad's I had planned to start us all in counseling, both separately and together, or really whatever seems to make sense. I am hoping this will help us all feel better about ourselves as well as help H with his emotional eating.

So anyway, I didn't say anything to him about my worry. I feel like he is only doing some harm but not all. Not to mention, I just feel like its not my business anymore how he interacts with them.

Randomness, Randomness

I wasn't tagged with this but doing it anyway. I don't know why I'm doing this.... I guess I'm depressed tonight and after my last post, I figured something "light."

So here are the rules:
The Rules

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. (I don't plan to tag anyone. If you do it, you do it!)

Now let's see if I can come up with 8 new random things I haven't already posted.

1. I used to have Huskies. I loved them sooo much! I used to take them running. Anna pulled the leash too hard and broke it. They also like hot sauce.... especially when it was poured all over the back fence to keep them from chewing it. I had two and then they had two, so I had 4 Huskies for a while because we didn't give the pups for a few months.

2. I love the beach, hate sand. If I could be at the beach but not touch a grain of sand, it would be a good day.

3. Have I mentioned my fear and hate for spiders?

4. I was married at the Justice of the Peace in JEANS and tennis shoes. I have no pictures and never had a second ceremony to "make up for the first."

5. I believe in evolution and reincarnation and that people can come back to us as ghosts, spirits or any form they want. I think my Uncle is a hawk that was flying around during his funeral and has been spotted several times during visits to the grave. I also think my great-grandmother as come to me in my dreams.

6. The first concert I ever went to was George Strait. Back before he performed at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo!

7. I like to kiss. Nuff said.

8. I love Texas. I love everything about it..... except maybe the spiders. I do not plan to live outside of Texas again. Visits and vacations, yes. To live Texas to live somewhere else.... There better be a damn good reason! And money ain't one.

And, since #3 shouldn't really count.... here is 9.... to make this actually 8.

9. I love NASCAR. It took a long time for me to actually say I was a fan though I used to want to be a race car driver and sometimes, in my mommy-mobile, I pretend.

Okay like I said, not going to tag anyone. Feel free to write your own random 8 facts, please just let me know in the comments if you do so I can read them!!! :)

Years of therapy (Warning: Deep topic....)

Okay its Sunday and maybe I shouldn't write about something so deep on a Sunday, I don't know why I think its too deep for a Sunday, maybe just because its been a great weekend!

However, I had a dream just this weekend that has left me shaken from it and thinking I should head in for a few counseling sessions, just to clear my head.

I was sexually abused as a child.

No sympathy needed. I have learned through my research (because if I don't know about something, I crave information about it) that this is something surprisingly common. I am sure someone reading this right this second was or knows someone that was as a child.

It started when I was between 8 and 9. Not sure how or why, I don't really care. I guess what has always bothered me is that I didn't know it was wrong. Once I learned it was wrong it stopped. Imagine sitting in 9th grade health class, a weird and awkward time anyway, and reading about sexual abuse and having that ton of bricks dropped on you. Holy shit! Of course as the victim, I totally blamed myself. Thought I would be punished so never told a soul. At least not at first. Couldn't tell my family, couldn't tell my friends, couldn't tell anyone. I could barely tell myself. I just hid and avoided.

At some point I did tell a few friends who swore to their death with the secret. Thankfully one of my friends did not keep that secret for long. My family was somewhat angry by it, the fact that she went to a school counselor with it rather than coming to them and keeping it private. My grandmother went so far as to try to get me to lie about it so that we could just keep it "in the family" to deal with. Are you serious? No I have emotional scars that may never heal because of this. I wasn't protected. Period.

Long story short, I was removed from my home only because CPS thought I needed a change of environment for a while. So I lived with my favorite Aunt until her son became too jealous.... I think he was mostly confused by what was happening but was also having some troubles himself and blamed it on me. So I then moved in with my grandparents and quickly became quite the rebel. I started sneaking out of the house, every night. Why? Not for drugs, not for alcohol, not to smoke.... but just because I could and I wasn't suppose to.

I also started counseling. I would see Susan every week, then every other week and then once a month. This lasted about 2 years. She talked to me about anything I wanted to talk about. She got to the root of my feelings and taught me to understand my feelings. Prior to this if you asked me how I felt, I would answer with a physical feeling not an emotional one. Now you can ask me and it could run the gamut of emotions. (except in small talk, because then I'm just fine or good or okay.... in passing nobody really cares how you are!).....

I also learned as the "victim", I was not at fault. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, it just did.

So over the years I have had dreams of it. At first all the time, almost every night. I would always have the most horrible nightmares and this went on for years. They started to lessen, at least the sexually abusive ones but I still had nightmares all the time. One year I learned to sleep with classical music on so that I wouldn't dream.... or at least not remember them. My abuse was not a scary thing like you will hear on the news or see in a "made for women" movie. No it was coming from a place where the person was just as confused as I was and had a "sickness." I have forgiven. He thought it was with love that he did this and that was how it was given.... but it does not make it any more right. Just that I had no reason to have nightmares about something like this yet I did. I was never held down, never hit, never yelled at. A gun was never put in my face, no weapons of any type. But these are the things of my dreams.

Yet my latest one was..... I went to the person and I asked for it. He said, "you know we can't. You turned me in once before." I begged, I pleaded... please, please just one more time.

Just typing this I'm shaking with shame and embarassment over it. Why would my mind want me to dream this? What is going on in there? Why would I ever think to do that?

I just don't know and I really don't know if I want to know. There are so many more important questions still left unanswered in my mind.

My CPS counselor, the one that was given my case and told to protect me, told me that I would marry a man that would abuse my children. WTF?! Are you serious? So I wonder, did I let my marriage end because this was in my mind? No I don't think so and I think anyone that knew both my ex and me, would say the same.

And, now as a single mom who is dating, I think, will I bring someone around my children that would do this?? This is probably the scariest thing about being a single mom. This person wouldn't love my children the way I and their father do..... I don't know, it is just always on my mind. Her words. Oh and Susan (my counselor) did address this and told me I would be careful so I just hold her words too, for comfort that I will make smart decisions. So far so good. I would only bring someone around them that I trust completely.

Then I also wonder, would I ever do this to a child? Gawd, I hope not! I started babysitting at the age of 11 and through all this time I have had the care of many, many children. And, while I would look at these children, I would think, "How does it start? Why would someone look at this innocent child and think I'm going to do that?" I never once tried nor thought of doing it myself, just like I said wondered why? how? So I guess that answers that question....and yet the question is still in my mind.

Through the years, I have had moments of depression, anxiety and just out right out of control feelings, so I will rush on in for some counseling to get me over the hump. This will be my life until I die, I'm sure. Unless I end up with someone that is supportive and understanding and patient enough to deal with my emotional issues as they creep up. He would have to understand where they come from, this very scary place in my head.

I just feel this is just too much to ask of a person that I'm not paying and does not have the training for so unless I marry a trained therapist, then I will just continue on as is. Going in when I need to have my head cleared and my feelings validated and explained.

This was really long and if you actually read this whole thing, then bless you! You are a saint! If you weren't scared off by my emotional scars then thank you even more. We all have something, right?

Spiders

I hate spiders. One of the few things that makes my blood run cold. I get chills, I stop cold. I can't think, can't move. The room blurs as my whole focus is on that eight-legged freak.

In the past week I have encountered 3 spiders. 2 in my house and one on my car.

The first was in my boys' room. I was cleaning it. It was a mess and I can see why the spider was in there. But, it was on me and that just can't happen! EVER! I seriously would shiver for 30 minutes after I got it off of me. I don't know if I killed it because I hit it and swiped it off of me at the same time. I don't know where it is, but I really haven't been back in the boys' room since.

The second was on my windshield of my car. I stopped to grab myself some dinner on the way back from the airport last night. As I sat waiting, it climbed on driver's side window..... Thankfully I was able to squash it with the window by closing it! (shutter)

The third was in my bathroom sink. Are you kidding me?!?! I grabbed some bathroom cleaner and gave a few squirts of that. Buh-bye Mr. Spider, your time here is over.

So help me if I see another, I will burn the place down and move on. Okay not really but (shutter) what is going on with all the fucking spiders!!!!!??????

There are just somethings I truly miss about North Dakota!

Back

I'm baaaackk!!!

It was a blast. I'm exhausted but will blog soon. Also a little behind on making the rounds with comments but I'm trying to keep up and read everyone!

Thanks for stopping by!

Day one - No kids - Summer 2

So last summer, the kids were gone for only 3 weeks. They left on June 25 (K's bday) and went to the ex-In laws for the whole time. This summer we have a court order that says at least 42 days (last summer we agreed on 3 wks). They will actually be gone more like 2 mths.

Anyway. So I did fine. No crying but I didn't laugh either. I was just .... well.... normal! Okay sort of, I had a lump in the back of my throat like I might cry and that giddy feeling in my stomach that you get when you are excited.

Came home and cleaned house.

And, as I sit here typing this, I am suppose to be packing to go to New Orleans for work. But I am waiting on some laundry so I can finish... err, start.

Goofball came over for a short time tonight. It was great to see him, even if we only got a short time together. It was great because he kinda surprised me but a little embarrassing because I was just out of the shower and about to take out my garbage! Now that's attractive, right? lol!

Well I'm off for a few days but will update on my trip! I'm so excited. This is my first team meeting for work and while it may be a boring meeting, it sounds like parts of it will be fun!!! We are doing some kind of team building exercise in the French Quarter. We are guessing some kind of Scavenger hunt or something similar!

Back on Thursday!

Well they are leaving....

.... So begins the two months without kiddos. On one hand I am soooo looking forward to the break and on the other, well, I will miss them like crazy. I have been teary all day about it too.

All packed up and ready to go.

We meet the dad at 11:00 am tomorrow half way between here and there.

I am soooo ready for this and I'm soooo not ready.

What am I going to do with myself?

I'm sure I'll think of something!

In reply to my Navy "regrets"

I posted a meme and one of the questions was "3 things I regret"..... The Exception questioned why I left and why I wish I hadn't. Rather than just post my reply in the comments. I figured I would tell the story here.

1992 I joined the Navy for many, many reasons. Basically I needed a huge change in my life and it was sort of like running away from home but not really. And, not really from home but from my current life because it just wasn't going where I wanted it to. So not really running away in the hopes of getting away from problems.... just running away in the sense of change.

Love it from the word go. Boot camp was actually kinda fun! Yes, fun! I loved the physical challenge of it. I loved the discipline of it. Did not like parts but overall, it was a great experience. Ask me my favorite part and I'll tell you it was the week of Fire and Damage Control. That is the week we went in the gas chamber.....

First duty station was a helicopter training squadron. Over the 3 1/2 yrs I was there, I did just about everything. I quickly became the expert in most of the Admin things. I worked in Student Control inputting student grades, keeping track of flight times and making sure that the pilot-to-be didn't miss a step in training. I also did the new student orientation and helped organizing the winging ceremony! It rocked! I then worked in our Admin office which basically ran the whole squadron. There we took care of the staff and instructors. I did Legal when I worked there too. Oh and supplies and I went from an E-1 - E-4 by the time I left. I earned my Air warfare Specialist wings too! I couldn't fly but it meant I knew about all aspects of aviation. I got to ride in a helicopter which was the best thing EVER!!!!!

This is also when I meet my husband and had our first two kids. So that first 4 years just flew by!

We then went to Norfolk, VA. I worked for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic.... or SACLANT or the bigger name of NATO. This was a huge assignment, I thought. I ranked up again within just a few months of being here.

Let me explain that really quick. You have to be in your current rank for X amount of time and between each the time gets longer (as you move up). Then when you are ready, you have to complete a certain amount of course work and training, then you take a test. Your evaluation, test score and points for certain awards gave you a score. If you scored higher than the cut-off, you were then ranked up.

I had a great experience here too. But, it was also during this 4 years that I knew that I wanted a divorce. I know the exact moment I knew we would get a divorce. December 1998. He rejected me yet another time to watch TV.... I had shaved (if ya know what I mean).... Came to him in a sexy outfit and he told me to move so he could watch his show. He said he would come upstairs after he was done with his show. Well he didn't get any that night or any for the next year at least. I started talking to a lawyer but in the state of VA you have to be separated for a year before you can file. During that time we did go to counseling but were both seeing other people too.

So time, some how, we stayed together. I don't know why. I guess I just decided that this is who I was just going to be with unhappy or not. So we stayed together. But, we just had spells when one or the other of us wanted out. We never quite recovered.

Well he was never very plugged in to the kids. Especially H who some how became the scapegoat of everything that was going wrong. H was the reason I was fat. H was the reason my body had changed...... And, while yeah, in a way its true. I DO NOT blame my child for that nor take out my frustrations out on him for it.... My ex did. He said it ALL the time! He also compared the kids a lot. I also couldn't trust him to feed them well. He just let them snack but never would feed them meals (he has come a long way with this). He never really engaged them in activities and things.... I just felt like it was all me!

So when the time came to decide if I would take orders to a new duty station and reenlist again or get out..... I called to see what was available. I could go to a ship or overseas without my kids. I thought about it and decided that it was in their best interest to get out and move back home. I wanted them to have a more stable life (which after 7 years I feel they finally have).

So basically I got out because I didn't want to leave my kids and I wanted to make sure that I was around them. But also I don't like moving every 3-4 yrs and being in limbo while you wait to pick orders or are assigned orders....

I wish that my ex would have been more plugged in to our family or at least just the kids. Then I would have stayed in.... or at least I might have.

And, another thing I left out, my ex was in but he was medically discharged so that made my decision easier. He was going to be in so I just figured I would get out.

I really miss that life. The structure of it sometimes though. It was like a big family. And, when the USS Cole was bombed in 2000. I cried because that was one of the ships they asked for me to go on. I would have been on it when it was bombed. I felt like I should have been there with my shipmates...... And, the 9/11, I wanted to go back in. And now with the war in Iraq..... granted I would just be on a ship or something but I should be in.

Oh well that is my story.....

PPD Happens

I wanted to spotlight this blog! My friend Jen started it. It was kinda of a evolved thing from a discussion on the message board we both belong to and something I said. And I love her for doing this. Okay I loved her before because she just truly rocks! But, she started this to help women share their stories with PPD and PPP.

This is serious folks. Its real and its not just "baby blues." (Tom Cruise can kiss my ass!) But, there are varying degrees of it from PPD to PPP....

Please, please check out the blog and then send her your stories or experiences with it!

http://ppdstories.blogspot.com/

This will also be on the side bar so you can always find it! Pass it on. Tell everyone. Link to it!

A Meme

I got this from Mama Drama. I wasn't tagged exactly, Stephanie just left an open invitation and it looked fun so I thought what the heck! Why not?

3 things that scare me:
1. Spiders!!
2. Closed in places
3. Not having the right words when someone needs to hear them

3 people who make me laugh:
1. My brothers!
2. My kids!
3. Goofball

3 things I love:
1. My kids
2. Animals (especially my spoiled rotten cats)
3. Texas

3 things I hate/severely dislike:
1. Narrow-mindedness
2. Spiders!
3. When I cry

3 things I don't understand:
1. Narrow-mindedness
2. Money
3. Politics (and don’t try to explain it to me!)

3 things on my desk:
Wk:
1. Calculator
2. Bubbles
3. Eskimo Joe Cup!
Hm:
1. Calculator
2. A Netflix envelope that I need to take to my parents
3. Stacks of bills!

There is more on both but those are just random things!

3 things I'm doing right now:
1. Ignoring my work and to-do list
2. Listening to my co-workers gossiping right outside my cube.
3. Thinking about Sunday night!!

3 things I want to do before I die:
1. Travel a lot! (Alaska, Africa and Australia for sure!)
2. Start my own business
3. Be remembered for making a difference

3 things I can do well:
1. Make my kids laugh/annoy my kids!
2. Type?
3. Critizism myself!

3 things I can't do well:
1. Cook
2. Clean
3. Pretty much anything “domestic”

3 things I think you should listen to:
1. My parents
2. My children
3. Music!

3 things I think you should never listen to:
1. The News
2. My internal dialogue
3. Negativity, especially in the form of my ex

3 things I'd like to learn
1. How to play a few musical instruments. (I don’t really care which just something or at least know how to play the piano better)
2. Computer…. Stuff? Programming type of things….?
3. Cook better!

3 favorite foods:
1. Berries and whipped cream or cottage cheese
2. Hot wings/buffalo wings
3. Just about anything I don’t have to cook!

3 shows I watched as a kid:
1. Smurfs
2. Dukes of Hazard
3. The Brady Bunch

3 things I regret:
1. Getting out of the Navy
2. Settling
3. Not making myself happy sooner

3 people I tag:
1. 2. 3. Anybody that wants to play.

Its the little things

So I am still a bit on edge, didn't sleep well and having a really hard time checking off things on my to-do list today at work!

But, I made a quick phone call and it really cheered me up a bit. Just enough that I think I can tackle my to-do list and finish my day without breaking down.

And, I feel like just getting through today, I will be okay. Then tomorrow, I will just get through it a step at a time and then by Sunday, I should be golden.

I appreciate the call earlier. Nothing really had to be said about me right now (but it was) and no special effort. Just needed a distraction or a laugh or just to hear his voice for just a few minutes. That was just enough.

Okay back to work!!!!

Emotional Meltdown

My day went down like this:

My work day was long. I put out more fires than actually checking things off the to-do list. Plus my motivation took a vacation or something because I couldn't focus. Not to mention my stress over money. I worked late. Called to check on my mom because she had surgery almost 2 weeks ago. Well she asked about the rent. Would I be paying for June since I didn't pay for May.... then she continues on by lecturing me on where I can cut my expenses. Yikes! I know, I know....

Then came home to a trashed out house and wild children. H and L were just running around like crazy. Screaming and jumping around. As an introvert, I get over-stimulated easily! Well then H and L started attacking K. She screams and runs. My house is maybe 1,000 sq ft. So there is no escaping.

Well L starts climbing around and breaks a glass candle holder. Are you kidding me?! Glass everywhere. Yikes!

Then more running. Then L pees his pants. My stress level just kept rising and rising until.... My toilet broke. What? No that has nothing to do with anything except that is when I had my meltdown. I could not fix it. I knew I could if I had the parts but I just couldn't function because of the stress. I tried to super-glue the part just to get by until I could get to Home Depot or Lowe's. Well that didn't work.... well ummm, I really knew that was going to happen, but it was worth a try. Like I said I'm an introvert so with my stress level so high and my anxiety on the edge of tipping.... I could not even think about what part I would need if I went to the store.

I called my dad, very calmly.... Until he answered. I lost it! I don't know what it was but I had reached my limit. My dad calmed me a little bit and said he would be over. But, he also said something that has me still a bit upset. He said that I need to be more self-reliant. Well, yeah! But, I'm trying just today I had it. I just couldn't deal anymore.

I hung up and just cried and cried. Then got myself together so I could clean my house!

Dad came. Calmly checked out the problem. Got the broked part, ran up to Home Depot. Came back.... hugged me this time.... and then fixed my toilet. Wonderful!

I'm still a bit on edge but hoping a night of sleep will work.

Just a vent

Overall, my life rocks. I love my freedom. I love my job. My kids. My friends..... What sucks is money. I still have no good feeling of security here. I screwed up my account recently which cost me big time. It was just a simple error but I don't have enough money to make an error.... No cushion.

Yet I found out that the ex.... who whines and complains about money far more than me just went out and bought a Wii gaming system..... Are you kidding me? I can barely put gas in my car and feed the kids, my bills are always behind, yet you can do that. Please do not whine to me again.

I can say that at least child support is always on time and always paid.

Okay just had to get this out before I explode from the stress.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Well even though I was a bit cranky and I felt like pure crap! oh and the kiddos were hyper little monkeys all weekend, it still turned out to be pretty darn good.

It rained off and on all weekend. I freakin' love the rain! But this has also lead to a lot of sexual frustration. Yeah, I really like the rain. Of course seeing Goofball twice didn't help that frustration and in fact, it left me quite unable to make any kind of decision. I already have a bit of a problem with being decisive. I tend to be fairly wishy-washy or just so laid back, but add to that a huge, big ole helping of sexual frustration, and yeah I was pretty much one-tracked minded last night. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know...." (Fuck?) Oh well. Did I mention I really like the rain?

But, it was great seeing him last night. We didn't really do much but hang out and we got to talk a lot which was fun. He doesn't know but he did get me quite turned on simply by being so sweet to my kiddos too. There is nothing sexier than a man that is good to kids (well and good to animals.)

Then he called me today and asked me to lunch.... "Umm, let me think about that.... HELL FUCKING YEAH!" Forget that I have to drive about 30-40 mins away and in the pouring ass rain.... I'm so there (no not complaining, I'm just saying I wouldn't say no). It was totally worth it. I really enjoy his company and even a few minutes would be worth the drive! An hour was all we got but it was perfect. I just can't wait until next Sunday.

Other than that, the kids and I have just been hanging out, watching movies and playing. They leave next weekend for most of the summer. I'm going to miss them but I will enjoy the break.

Hope you all had a good weekend too.

Happy Memorial Day to those that fought and died for our country! And, in honor of those that are fighting now, because we should do that everyday that they fight, no matter what the reason, they are doing their job.

Everyday Superhero - Smash Mouth

I have a lot of random thoughts that I want to put in to a blog but nothing solid enough to post yet. Mostly its just whining because I have been in a bad mood for days now! or just snarky? I don't know.

So here is just a song I like. Dedicated to all those ordinary everday super heroes! I think of it as a song for those that don't really realize how much of impact they have on others and really at the end of the day, they are just human.



Everyday Superhero - Smash Mouth

Every morning I wake up just the same
Another victim, of ordinary fame
I don't see myself as invincible
It's not... true at all

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

Just a day job, someone's got to do
It's kinda hard when everyone looks up to you
Try to make it look easy
Gonna make it look good
Like anybody would

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

I'm just like everybody else
After all the hype is hard to tell
I keep my game face on so well

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
I'm trying to save the world
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
I try to hide my true identity
But no one knows it's only me

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

Stuck in the land of the sick

So the youngest has been sick for the last two days. I am going fucking nuts! Climbing the walls. Got cabin fever.

Mostly because I know I should have been at work the last two days. I have waaaay tooo much to do! We have a million things going on. I am not a workaholic by any means but I know I need to get my job done. Sometimes I do work late, sometimes I work long hours but it isn't often.

But, ya know what else I noticed this week, I hate being a single mom. Okay wait, not a single mom, I actually like that (freedom, no fighting! no tension!).... but I hate that the dad lives so far away! The fucker! Oh well, again, he is missing out. But, it does suck not to have a back up. Back up is usually my mom but she had surgery on Monday. Thankfully she is doing well.

L should be able to go back to day care tomorrow! That is good news because we have two large events next week and I need to get back to get everything ready! Catering, gifts, make sure the room is set up, make sure everyone knows where to go! make sure everyone's shirts came in. Get shirts to all the coordinators. Etc, etc. etc! Plus all my other daily stuff.

Somehow I know it will all get done. Tuesday's event will go great and at least I will have some time before the one Thursday, plus its in California so there is less for me to do.

Send get well vibes to the boy and don't go insane vibes to me!