Trouble Sleeping

but not really falling asleep though it is taking a little longer than usual. It is more the staying asleep that is getting to me right now.

I don't know what the problem is but I have had sleep issues for a million years now. When I actually sleep through the night, it is a good night. And really the other sad thing is that I start sleeping really good about an hour before it is time to get up. So on the weekends (or days off) it works out great because as long as I have no where to go, I can just let myself sleep from about 4:30 am on.... until I get up.

Part of the trouble right now though, I do know. My kids are gone and for whatever reason I have trouble sleeping when they are gone. Another is I have like 50 million things on my mind. Work is like kicking my butt lately. I love it, don't get me wrong but sometimes I truly feel like I am drowning. I have also been doing the job for a long time. It is time for a move (within my current company).

It is one of the things I love about where I work. They encourage movement, career development and the like. Right now, like the rest of the employment world, there is nada in the way of new jobs. Those very few opportunities that do come up are snatched faster than anything.

So for now I hang on and just really try to work hard, stay motivated and learn as much as I can.....

.... without falling asleep...... :)

Happy dreams, peeps!

Busy, busy, busy!

This week is shaping up to be extremely busy at work. That is fine. Makes the days fly by or so I can hope, right?

One of my co-workers just lost his grandmother. She has been very sick and has fought like a champ, but alas she lost her battle. At least she is at peace now.

I already had my own long to-do list, now I have some of his. I don't mind, this is not a complaint. Just giving an idea of what my week will look like.

Then I got two free tickets to the Astros game on Friday night. I haven't seen a game (live) in years! They were in the Astrodome then.... I have never been to Minute Maid Park. Now I just need to find someone to go with me. :)

I got a lot done this weekend though I still feel like I have a ton of cleaning left to do. I got a lot of the clutter cleaned and that was the really important part! Still a few "hot spots" to clean but overall, much better. I feel lighter! Good feeling!

I did a bit for myself this weekend; like I mentioned below, I got a pedicure. First one in at least 3 yrs. Long overdue and much deserved. It felt good. I also bought a few things for myself and just got several errands checked off. Visited family and relaxed!!!

I think I am ready for my busy week. I love my job (though ready for some new challenges) and at least it keeps me busy!

Falling apart a little bit

I wasn't going to write this out until I got to talk to him but it doesn't look like I will get to any time soon.... and it is nearly killing me.

He is in pain. He is hurting. Lost, confused. Hell I don't even know what he is going through. I am trying to be patient and understanding and supportive and just here. I don't want to fall apart out in the "open" where he can see it (he reads this blog and I am not going to hide my blog just so I can talk freely).... but it is time now not to just hold it in and be for him. I have to be for me some things too.

Not to take away from his situation at all, his feelings. But it is because of how he feels that I am a mess but not only because he seems so lost but also because he is gone.

I have never in my life felt for someone the way I feel for him (kids not included). I feel so complete when I am with him. Calm, safe. I have always felt guarded and like I needed to almost protect myself from other men. I had to be careful. Never was I abused physically but emotionally for sure. He isn't like that.

He is hands down the best man I have ever met. Smart, caring, thoughtful, respectful, funny and sexy as hell.

I love that he is out doing for him for a change. He absolutely deserves the time and needs it. But it is also extremely hard on me to have him gone. I am in tears nearly everyday. Cranky. Moody. I want to do for myself and I am trying. I got a pedicure.... the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I have gotten quite a bit done in the house but still have so much to do.

And damn it isn't like I see him everyday, but maybe a few times here and there, but he is so amazing that knowing I am missing time with him when life is so short anyway, well it is hard.

And all I can say is I am trying and wish for him some clarity, time for himself and that he knows I am here for him when he is ready.... no rushing, no pressure. I am strong enough to get through this.... I just have to let myself fall apart a little to keep it together.

Back when I was a new mommy

It has been a while since I was a first time mommy. It was actually just over 15 yrs ago. My little girl was born June 25.... she came two weeks early.

I was in the Navy at the time so I got 6 weeks maternity leave. Not too much but then I was a shining star, climbing the ladder type. So 6 wks was fine with me, except for one thing. I had to find child care for my precious baby. Okay... okay but my worry was she would know me as mom in name only. I was worried she would love another in that "mom/daughter" way.

Well that never happened and my fears were quickly put to rest the first time I picked her up and she smiled the hugest smile for me! Then the first time she giggled and reached for me.

Well 1 year ago today, my children got a new "mom" in their life. She had been in their life already for a year and that was a tough year for all of us. We were dealing with so many new emotions and feels. The kids were nervous to let me know they liked her. I was fighting back some jealous feelings, though not for him/her but for my kids. I didn't want them to love another "mom".... But it was too late, I liked her as soon as I met her. She is a nice, bubbly person. The kind that you can't help but seem to like.

As soon as I did meet her, I knew they were going to get married. I just could feel a vibe (I do that a lot).... So I started a friendship with her. Some may think it is weird but it works for us and I feel better about who my kids are spending time with. I trust her.... maybe even more than I trust my ex with them. Sad really.

Today is their 1 year anniversary and I am happy to have her as part of our weird little family. I couldn't ask for a better person to love my children and for them to think of in that mommy way.

I know they love me more than anyone else in the world.... :)

My bucket list....

So I have been thinking about this for years, even before the movie. But thinking about it is all I have done and I have wasted valuable time that I could be checking things off my list.

The big questions in my mind about it are do I put a date on it like my 40th or 50th bday or do I leave it open ended? What happens if I don't complete something or can't or what? What types of things do I put on it?

I know pretty much what I want to put on it. The typicals like travel, things to eat, sights to see, people to meet/see. I don't think I want to do much of the daredevil types of things but I am not ruling that out.

I think what I could say is that I want to get X stuff done by 40 (only 3 1/2 yrs) and then some other things by 50, etc.

But then what about the World we are living in, how is it going to change over the next 5, 10, 20 years? So should I leave some flexibility in it? Of course....

Do you have a bucket list?

Every Summer....

So every summer, I am faced with one major decision: What am I going to do without the kids?

It seems like a simple thing. It really does. Everyone offers great ideas. But some of the things I just am not willing to do alone: dinner, movie. And the open ended one is, "Well just do something for yourself."

What does that mean? I mean I guess I know WHAT it means but I don't know how to do it.

Most of the year, I have the kids. I get to go out some, mostly with Goofball, sometimes with other friends. But when possible, I try to do something with the kiddos. But I am limited to a certain radius from home. I can go so distance from home, but not overnight and I try to stay in places that I can get a phone call.

So since most of the year I have them, when I don't, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I still have to think about the doggie but he is pretty good. Just no overnights unless I can get someone to come look after him or see if there is room at the Inn (read: Vet)

What am I doing with my time?

I went to dinner with an very good friend who I have known since elementary school. That was fun!

I had a phone chat with a long-lost (and now found) friend from my early Navy days! For whatever reason, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, have found each other again. She is talking about coming to visit me too!

Then I am hoping to go visit my cousin this week, might see my school friend again. We have a family party on Saturday and in there some time I want to clean the house some more. (One project at a time)

I volunteered to help at some community thing for work but haven't heard an update on things as of yet.

Where is Goofball?

He is out of town for an undefined amount of time. I miss him but he does need this break. I'll be here when he is ready.

My big thing this year is to stay healthy! Last summer was chaos. I don't even want to think about it. Not even going to link to last year's stuff. I have already taken positive steps to get there. I started Weight Watchers (at work) back in March. I have lost 13 lbs to date. Slow and steady wins the race.

So those are my summer plans, does it sound like I am doing something for myself? I hope so! because I feel like I am. :)

Explaining my absence

I have thought about how to explain what has been going on with me and why I haven’t blogged anything in nearly 2 mths. It isn’t one thing but many and some of it isn’t my story to tell; however, I will share as much as I feel I can and keep some anonymity about it…. as much as I can. So here goes….

First my kids broke my lap top in such a way that it is no longer portable making it very inconvenient for me to use it as I used to (in my bed, comfortable, in front of the TV). And when I say kids, I really mean just one but not to “out” anyone… I blame them all. J

With this in mind, the computer is in an open area and is not as comfortable to work on for long periods of time. There is too much activity around me when I sit there so I can’t focus. Kids, their friends, the dog, the cats, the messy house, the projects I need to work on…. Ya know, all the stuff I can’t hide from in my room.

Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of brain power and time on the computer. I still get my emails in and other things (that are part of my absence, I’ll explain next). When I am on the computer it is much more strategic lately, meaning I have a goal in mind: i.e. answer an email and then getting off….

However, I will admit I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. I have to check status updates all the time. “Did I miss something?” “Who has sent me a friend request now?” “Wow, it is great to see Suzy from High school!” (Not necessarily Suzy, I just made up a name) I have also gotten quite addicted to a few of the games and apps on there. They are mindless so it fits into my no-brain-power-after-work-if-I-can-help-it plan.

Then there is the whole blog thing itself. Well let me explain. I am not happy with my blog layout but I am an idiot when it comes to changing it and I really don’t want to learn it right now (see no brain power above). I want to learn someday but I just don’t have the time for it now. I want someone to do it and me to say “Cool, thanks.” Or whatever…. I have great ideas on what I want it to look like and what I want it to be…. But the drive, energy and time is just not there, oh did I mention commitment? I want my blog to do something, go somewhere but without a good layout, I am stuck here…. And I guess I need to write for it to do anything…. Hence me trying.

Well then we went out of town to visit my bro in Colorado. Got to hear his band practice. Awesome. It was nice to get away. I have been able to take two fun trips this year; one without kids and one with.

However, there was an overshadowing factor to my vacation. The very moment I was enjoying time with just me and my bro. He had run into a store to get something. I called a friend only to be told his daughter was “in her last moments”…. Somewhat expected and somewhat unexpected. This also happened to be my first day of vacation. My friend called me back to say she did in fact pass. I spent the rest of my time away bursting into tears at a thought or a reminder of him and/or her but also finding myself taking my time more to enjoy the moments with my brother, his family and my kids.

As much as he kept me out of that part of his life, I also felt some motherly feeling towards her (not like I wanted to be her mother, just I am a mother and I know the feelings of caring for a child…). There was something very special about that little girl anyway; you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself.

I got home in time for the funeral services which were hard in all kinds of ways that I won’t go into now.

I’ll just say he is very special to me and I am here for him in any way he needs, be it close or far, I’m here. His life has changed in so many ways and he really needs time to just figure it out, make decisions and just breathe a little.

I was also surprised in many ways by my own feelings of grief. Not on the same level as his or the rest of the family but I was not unaffected by this. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed. I didn’t cry for my uncle, though I did for the pain my grandmother was in. And, since this was a known disease she had, I had researched grief for the past few years but still was not prepared for my own. So in many ways that is another factor in the long line of “why I haven’t written in nearly 2 mths”…. Plus this part isn’t my story to tell; however, given the direct and indirect effect this has had on me, I can talk about that part, yes?

Anyway, I make no promises of when I will write again or how frequent, just that I haven’t and won’t give up on this blog. I know many of my loyal readers and friends will come back and support me for as little or as much as I write. I just want to deliver on that somehow. Hopefully checking off some of my stressors listed above will help me and with the kids leaving soon to stay with their dad for a few weeks, I will have a little more time. Maybe I can sort my many notes and find some things that are worth writing about or even not worth writing about but I will do it anyway…. I have tons of notes on blog topics and ideas and thoughts. I really could write everyday and never run out of things to talk about.

It is all about time and energy to do it.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm back, YO!

I had a great weekend. At one point, I actually said, "I have nothing in my head." and that meant exactly that.... I often have a million things running through it: to-do lists, bills to pay, songs, kid voices and a hundred other things. So to walk away from it for just.... a few days, was AWESOME!

Not much to tell, we kinda took a Vegas type of vow of "What happens in.... stays in....." ya know? Of course not too much happened that we can't talk about but it is fun to think that we had really big secrets like that.

I did learn a lot about myself during the trip. I plan to write about those things soon, I hope.

And ya know friendship are so interesting to me. M and I haven't seen each other since April/May 2000 (time frame) and it was almost like we have never been apart.

Anyway, thanks to all the new readers and a special thanks to all those that have been with me for a while. I really appreciate you sticking with me through the feast and famine of my blog.

I'm leaving on a jet plane....

I am heading to Orlando on Friday for a girls only weekend! The organizer is probably my best friend in the world... or at least one of my top girls! I named K after her.... that is how much she means to me. We were in the Navy together and then got stationed at the same base for our first years. We partied together. We had our babies together and went through a lot of ups and downs. She sees me better than almost anyone.

Then there will be her SIL who I know. And then my friend's BFF from grade school. I feel like I know her and I can't wait to really meet her!

I only have one thing on my mind that is making me almost wish I wasn't going. I will miss Goofball very much. I am just crazy for that boy. We usually see each other 1-2x a week... usually Friday and/or Sunday (sometimes both days, sometimes only one).

I will miss our Friday for sure and not sure about seeing him on Sunday. I hope so!

But ya know, that isn't even all of it. I really wish that we could travel together but at this time in our life's we can't. Some of you know the story but some are coming here for the first time. I haven't shared it on my blog. Just due to privacy, I won't be.

The point is that sometimes I feel ... not guilty but... well like I just miss him more because I wish he was with me and enjoying things with me. That is pretty much it.

I do plan to have a great time. I have new clothes and I got some fun girls to hang with so it is all good.

In other news the kids' dad is coming in to stay with them. At first there was talk about his wife coming too and they would both be staying in my house. I was some what okay with this but like I wrote, my house is not always the cleanest place. Today he told me that just he is coming. Okay then, I am okay with that too and in fact I will feel less nervous about it.

Have a good weekend. I don't think I will write again until I get back...

Wordless Wednesday - New Camera!

If I had one wish....

Most people would make a wish for something out there.... A dream vacation, a lot of money, maybe even more wishes. Right? Some people might even wish for something like how they want to find true love, maybe a loved one getting well, something less selfish than the other wishes.

However, me? I wish for something maybe a little out there or hey maybe to other parents it isn't all the crazy. I wish for a clean house. Not just for one day but everyday. I guess really to back up, I just wish my children were as into the idea of having a clean house as I was. Or maybe I would wish for something like me being a better "housewife"... I am so not very domestic, I have other skills instead. :)

However, I really want my house to be clean. I really want to not be embarrassed by it any more. I really want to teach my children the importance of cleaning, being neat and how to clean. I think that is an important skill, don't you? Okay don't answer that.

I wish I could peek into other people's houses so I could just see if I am the only one or not. Some days I can't believe we live here like this. I expect Oprah's production team to show up at my house, saying my name/house was sent in as the dirtiest house in America and wow they are surprising me with a team of cleaning people.... but the catch is my house will be seen by millions! Hmm, yeah I don't even want Goofball to see my house or my parents. I cringe when the doorbell rings because I don't want people to see in!

And it isn't like I don't know HOW to clean, I do. But I will admit, I am a surface cleaner. I know I have talked about this before (but I am too lazy to look back through all the blog entries for just where).... If you can see it in my house, most of the time that is all that is clean. Just don't look behind anything, under, inside my closets are off limits. Okay?

The other thing is that we just have too much stuff for the size of my house. I have too many living things in the house (4 people, 3 pets). The house is around 1000 sq ft. I do have a huge yard which totally makes up for it.... Okay, almost makes up for it. The remodel we did last summer has made a huge difference even though it didn't add a lot more square feet. It used to be just less than 1000, now we are officially over it.

At any rate I just need less stuff in my house or people who are willing to help and even clean up after themselves or the Clean Sweep Team or a team of maids or a magic gene. I am not sure which would be better.

But that is what I wish for.... What about you?

Summer's coming!

Oh and I might have gotten a new camera too. :)

Oy!

I'm fine! :) The "Sometimes" entry was suppose to be more of an almost poetic type of writing. Do I feel that way? Yeah a little bit. I mean I do get really lonely being a single woman. Last night I was feeling it a bit more than normal. But I have been thinking about the below piece for some time.

I actually feel pretty darn good about life. Things aren't exactly the way I want them. I miss Goofball more than I see him but when we do hang out, it is great. I have my babies too! I have a wonderful family. I have a job.... tomorrow, in fact, heading out to California for a week. No blogging for sure this week....

So yeah, sometimes I get sad and lonely and throw a pity party for one. Really? It is just an excuse to write!

I know I am lucky. Very lucky.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes I get so lonely that it actually hurts.
Sometimes I feel like I could just burst into tears from the pain.
Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the lonely.
Sometimes the pain of it is so overwhelming.
Sometimes I just wish it would go away.
Sometimes I run out of words because I just feel empty.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Yeah that pretty much sums it up! If it isn't one thing it is another. Usually it is my allergies in some form and I am almost 100% sure that I will have to find an allergist again. I haven't had to get shots for a long time. I just recently got an inhaler which I haven't had for at least 6 yrs, probably more.

I still battle fatigue and pains in my neck, back and shoulders. My doctor has said that is stress and yeah it is. I can tell because there are times when I have nothing to think about and I am pain free! It is soo nice.

And it is like a vicious circle because here is the thing... I know part of it is my weight but I don't feel good so I don't work out or eat right. I am tired all the time so I don't work out or eat right and because I don't do either I feel tired and feel crappy. Isn't that nice?

I mean I get it. I do but it is sooo hard to break that cycle.

However, I would like to report that I finally had a productive weekend. I finally felt good! All weekend. For two whole days! I got so much done!

And then today I am sore! and tired! and back to .... well my normal anyway. But also a bit different, why? because I feel good about all I got done that I overcame some of my "issues" and was able to do the things I have needed to for so long.

I am also doing Weight Watchers at work, taking the stairs to the 4th floor at work (and back down) and trying to take control of my life and health again.

I'm a planner so sue me!

I am a planner. I like routine and while I sometimes worry that I get in a rut.... well it isn't a rut exactly the way some people think. It is more like a depression or something missing feeling than a true rut.

Sooo anyway, I don't like to be in limbo, not knowing what tomorrow brings. No I can't tell the future and I don't expect to but as long as I have a plan, I feel safe. I usually have more than one plan for any given time. This helps keep my anxiety disorder under control.

For example, to go to the grocery store, I have to talk myself through the steps.... Where to park, then park, which door I am going to go in, where I will start, etc. I visualize each of these steps too, not just talking myself through it.... It is a very detailed process in my mind but it helps me to get through it. It is easier for me to go if I take one or more child with me. When I have to go alone, I actually have to force myself to go. It almost hurts to go sometimes. I tend to park in the same general area, go in the same door, walk the same path.

And it isn't just the grocery store. It is everywhere.

My days are like this too. If my mornings don't go just right, I have a hard time shaking it. I can barely keep my anxiety under control .... but I do. I do it almost everyday.

However, sometimes some thing will come along and shake everything I know. Just one situation and everything goes haywire. Something big, like my divorce, losing my job, financial issues.... like big ones, not just everyday ones. When those things happen, I can fall into my rut, depression, anxiety, just fall into myself and I can't climb out easily. I have to get my balance again, I have to steady myself and then put one foot in front of the other.

It might sound crazy. Maybe I am. I make it work most of the time but I just have to have a plan (or two or three... as back ups, just in case).

What's in a name? .... Everything!

The name of my blog is Single Mom Finding Herself. I started writing this about 3 yrs ago (actually in May it will be 3 yrs). I had tried two times before to start a blog but I couldn't find my niche, the thing that would make me want to write and make me stand out a bit.

At the time I was starting a journey of going from being a couple with children to being two separate people with children. He was moving 200+ miles away and I was going to school, looking for permanent work and trying hard to raise three children.... Oh and trying to date.... but first that would take sorting through what I had become and looking deep for the person I really was.

My marriage had nearly killed me. My soul was sold to that man in 1999 when I decided to not go through with the divorce then. That haunted me year after year. Until August 2004, when an old boyfriend came back into my life, only via emails and IM, but I was able to put some closure of hurt that I still carried from that relationship and break up. It made me strong and I knew what I had to do. It took months but I finally got my husband (now ex) to agree to let me come home and look for a job. I knew I wasn't going back and so did he. He likes to remember it differently and that is okay. We all have our own views on life... this is mine. I knew that by coming back here, I was going to get a divorce. Though I did try a few times that last year.... it was really over.

This is why I started my blog and Single Mom Finding Herself fit then and still fits now. It really describes me and to be honest I have thought a lot about starting a new blog to give myself a little anonymity. Many people know about this blog now, even though I haven't been as active lately, my name is still out there. There are things I want to write about that I would rather people that know me, not read. Why? I don't know. Everyone can have a few secrets, right?

Recently I was talking with M is for Misanthrope, as part of our conversation, she said how my name really holds true because I am still on a road of discovery. Okay, maybe not her exact words but ya know.... I think we are all doing that, everyday. We change and rediscovery something about our self everyday.

So my blog is here to stay. I do not have another blog. I do not plan to start another and the only way I would is if I took my name with me.... I will just follow my dad's long given advice of "Don't write anything you don't want someone to read."

Besides, if I don't keep up the blog, my book won't make as much sense!

No apologies

I am tired of apologizing for my lack of blogging, even if I am sorry and missing it, I will not apologize. Life happens.

So what has been happening? Kids stuff. Lots of work and I have been sick again. and just a few other things I am not ready to talk about or even wrap my brain around.... Ack!

Kids stuff.... My daughter has been talking to people all over the country. I can only HOPE they are truly people her age but I don't know and I can't be for sure so we (her father and I) have had to take some measures to protect her. He has her cell phone account so he has been monitoring her use and OH BOY does she use it! She ran up quite the bill recently. He has blocked several phone numbers of guys we know she is talking to. I deleted a game she plays which is where she has been "meeting" these guys and set some parental controls so I can view her activity and control the hours in which she uses the computer. I doubt she will have as much interest now that I deleted that.

In some ways I feel like a hypocrite because I have been "meeting" people online for about 7 yrs now but I am a grown-up, she is a child. While I still have to be careful and use common sense online, I do and I understand. She just doesn't have that common sense yet. She is a smart kid but in the name of being "cool" or having a "boyfriend".... she just won't think.

Soooo that is my child problems.

Work is work. I am burned out and need a new one. I have interviewed for a new position at my company but no news yet. Soooo..... just keeping my eyes open for new opportunities.

Sick? Yeah I think it is stress, lack of sleep and maybe a sinus infection. But the way I feel is a lot like I felt this past summer with the seizures. I really hope it is something easy. I don't want to have a ton of medical bills again. Ack!

That is my life right now.

To Shuttle Mom!!! and about my Bday

This is several days late but I did think of you on our Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! I hope you got spoiled and that you have a great year! (Thanks for the Bday wishes in the comments)

I had a great weekend and a great Bday. I took the kids to Target and they got me some gifts. They were soo cute about it. I parked myself in Starbuck's with a drink and a book (Jen Lancaster! Love her! If you haven't read her, get thyself to a book store pronto! I have my ex's wife reading them right now and she said her new hobby is to cyper-stalk Jen.... I said welcome to the club.... Wait, off point!) Anyway, K got me some new PJs, love them. H got me a picture frame and got my mom to take a picture of the three of them to put in it! Cute! and then my little L got me some shoes. And for a 6 yr old, he actually has good taste.

Then my parents made me a great Italian Dinner, got me a cake and gave me some things from Bath and Body works. Awesome.

I then took my bday off.... since it was Monday! and Goofball and I spent the day together. It was nice. Oh sooo nice!

Sooo I just have to say, it was a great way to start my 36th year.