The two older ones are at an age that I think is very important. I can see K starting to pull more towards friends and defining herself. She doesn't need me nearly as much. Her friends are now her source of answers. Her friends are the ones she shares things with. It has been coming for a long time. I am sure I was cut out a long time ago, but it has just recently gotten more defined. All I get these days is backtalk and attitude. Yesterday, I, not so proud of this, got right up in her face yelling at her. Basically just saying to stop with the attitude that I don't deserve. I later apologized and said that was uncalled for but I was not sorry for the things I said, just the way I said them. I can admit I am wrong.
Anyway, I do not want my kids to think yelling is okay. My mom is a yeller (or was) and while I can't imagine my grandmother (her mom) as a yeller, I bet there was a lot of yelling given my aunts and uncle's behavior as adults! They are FUN!!!! (I miss my uncle sometimes).
Back to yelling.
This is not the type of behavior I want my kids to emulate. They already do far too much and I hate it. Honestly it may even be too late to break the habit, the cycle will continue..... Because I don't always react appropriately. "STOP YELLING!!" .... children's "are you stupid" looks facing me as if to say, "Umm good job mom. Yell at us to stop yelling. Here's your sign"
I try, I try, I try!
But, I need a break to recharge. I have had quite a few large stressors lately. Soon I should know more about one and hopefully can put that to bed and move forward. This one may also solve my biggest stressor. Okay stress should not be an excuse but it is a reason.
Anyway, back on track:
So I do not feel like I am a great role model given the yelling. But, I think I'm good. I try to be strong for the kids. They do not see me cry often and when I do it is usually over something on TV, not life. I mean life sometimes sucks. Things do not go the way you want. You deal and move on. That is just reality.
I know that sometimes I like to wallow in my depression and have myself a pity party on here or in emails or in conversation or whatever, but that is my way of releasing it. I used to bottle up my feelings. A few years of therapy and I can tell you exactly how I feel. Once it has a name, I can work on it, solve it and move on. Much better life this way. So even if I write something that sounds like I am just going to slit my wrist at any minute. It is just my feelings at the moment. Like I said, I was trained to deal with these things so I do.
Let's see.... strong, open, can express my feelings. I think those are good things, yes?
I worry about H in this though. I think he is a lot like I was in that he can't express himself too well and bottles things up. Then he will explode. I have tried to apply what I know to him but I think once he gets back from his dad's this summer, I will start him in therapy. Couldn't hurt.
Let's see what else? Fun. I think I am fun. Not all the time but a lot. Like once, I bought silly string, just because and we had a blast with it. Sometimes I get water balloons (ooohhh maybe I will get those today). Last weekend, I got the hose out and was water my grass (and dirt). Well the boys came out so I started spraying them. They loved it.
I also try to show them that you can do anything you want. I went to school for over 4 years and worked and raised them. We moved cross-country... twice during this time and I became a single mom. They saw all that (okay L won't remember most but I hope the foundation is still there).
I have told them that they do not have to go to college right away if they do not feel ready. They do have to work (and I do expect them to go when they are ready, like me). I put a lot of value on work(ing). There are so many different types of jobs and things that can be classified as work. But, if you do nothing (and I mean NOTHING) and are able to work. Well that is just ..... well I don't respect it. Like I said, many things are working but I have known people that literally do nothing all day. TV, video games and they do not move much from that one spot. Not a good thing at all.
I think I will always work. I like to work. Even if I didn't have to, I think I would find something to do. Volunteer probably with either animals or children or both.
I also put a lot of value on learning. I think learning should happen for life and doesn't have to take place in a classroom or structured environment. It can happen by reading, by exploring, researching and by asking questions. Anyway, I think education and learning is important!
Okay so I could probably go on and on with this subject, hence the need for part three.
In general, I think I'm a pretty good mom. I have some strengths and I know my weaknesses. In this I can improve or just know my kids are doomed. Either way I think they are pretty good kids.
So stay tuned for more. Oh and I know I said the next one was going to be about female role models but I decided to do it this way. Better to shot from the hip.