September 9

September 9 is always a special day for me. I talked about it here last year too. It was a point in my life that changed the rest of it.

To back up, in May 1992, I was out of high school and had just spent the last year in community college and working full-time at Burger King. I wanted to move out on my own but couldn't afford it, wanted to get out of my life so to speak. I felt like I was at a cross roads. I didn't feel like I could go forward, I definitely couldn't go back. I needed to do something big, life changing and then the recruiter called. I think they have ESP or something.

So I signed on up and my date was picked..... I don't remember my original date because that summer my dad's only sister had a liver transplant and I asked to push my date back so that I could be with my family a little bit longer.

Fine. September 9, 1992 it was.

It was a life changing decision. It was a life changing experience.

And, if you know me, making decisions is not easy for me and especially not something this huge!

I'm glad I did it. Sometimes wish I wouldn't have gotten out. It was a good decision at the time for me and my kids. My life wouldn't be what it is now, had I stayed in. Rather than play the "What if" game, I just enjoy what I have.

Fighting, fighting and more fighting

I can't stand fighting. I hate it. I don't like doing it and I hate it being around me.

My kids fight more than any people I know. It wears me out. I am actually physical ill right now over the fighting. Each day, each week, each month as they get older, it gets worse and worse.

There is a lot of frustration with the age gaps. K&H are 19 months apart, L is 6/12 and 8 yrs younger than the other two....Not planned it just happens. The older two are competitive thanks to their father (yes, seriously). I know a lot of exes will blame things on the other but ask the kids too. He used to compare them with each other when disciplining them. "H why did you do that? K would have never done that, would you K?" Seriously a conversation that was had all the time when they were growing up. It drove me crazy. There was other things like this. With friends, grades, toys, clothes. He could turn everything into comparing them and he did it in front of them. It was usually H being the scapegoat if you will and yet this kid turns to the dad every time something happens.

L as just always tried to keep up with them. He is so far behind and right now he is at an age that he can almost do things but still a little physically and verbally behind. He is getting there slowly.

So today for example. I'm asleep. L and H were awake. L comes and asks me if he could eat some pepperonis that we had. I think I mumbled "Whatever".... he turned to H and said that means yes. H said no it doesn't and then they started arguing. But at least left my room to do it. Next thing I hear is L yelling out in pain and crying. I get up and L is doubled over holding his stomach. He is 100 pounds lighter and almost 7 years younger than H. So of course I ask H what happened and he starts in, "you always blame me!" and so then we start fighting.

I walk off because well 1 I had to pee and 2 I wanted to put my glasses on so I could see! (I can't see without my glasses.)

I come back and H is on the phone with his dad. WTF?! I didn't even have a chance to talk to them both. Yes both because I know L is just as much to blame for the fighting.

I'm pissed. I'm seeing red pissed. Now wait don't get me wrong, he has every right in the World to talk to his dad. I just feel like dad gets to be the good guy and I have to be the bad guy. I guess I signed up for this but .... wait a minute! He did too when we become parents. When we decided we would have unprotected sex so we could have a baby...... both being naive not really thinking it would happen the very first time.... but I'm just sayin', he had a commitment same as me. And where is he? 4-5 hours away. See he gets to be the fun dad, that sees them a few times a year and for a long visit in the summer. He gets to telephone parent. Be the Popsicle Dad.

But, I made a commitment to these kids, these people that I will be here for them. I will be here when they are sick. When they need to talk, need a hug, need school supplies or money or a ride somewhere. I get all the hugs and kisses and "I love you"s.....

If it means I have to endure more fighting to have all the other things, I will do it. I just need to vent sometimes because I soooo can't stand fighting. :)

Quote of the Day

I haven't done one of these in a while.... Enjoy.

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

The long weekend and a sick day

I had a nice long weekend. I love my job because I get every other Friday off. This past Friday was my day off. So four day weekend. Whoohooo......

I spent it doing just what I wanted, sort of. Friday was great. Got to spend time with Goofball. Some much needed sex time that is. Gawd I needed that! That's all I will say.

Then napped. Nice deep sleep that one can only have after great sex. Then Friday night took the kids out for dinner. Had a big smile even when Logan was throwing a fit. He is still adjusting to all day without a nap. Takes after his mom.

Then Saturday, I have no idea what we did but before I knew it it was the afternoon and I had done nothing. It was actually kinda nice but also stressful because I had so much to do.

I went to visit my grandmother (mom's mom) who was staying at their house pet sitting while my parents were in Colorado visiting my baby brother and his family. They got some gooood pictures of the boys. Anyway, so visited my grandmother. Showed her the presentation I am working on for my parents' 35 anniversary. She liked it but we started talking about pictures she had. So I called my Aunt and I ended up over there. I got a huge bag full of pictures.

Then on Sunday, got up made breakfast for the kids. They loved it. Then I scanned pictures all day, and cropped, resized, rotated, etc all the pictures and worked on the presentation all day.

Goofball came by and we went out. I was kinda in a weird mood by then. I was looking through family pictures all day and it was weird because there were pictures of my cousin. He committed suicide when he was 15. I think I was around 17 years old at the time. Nobody really talks about him and it is makes me sad. But, Goofball is always fun to hang out with so I was snapped out of it and then I was focusing on not ripping all his clothes off.

Monday I got up and made another good breakfast for the kiddos. Two days in one weekend, they couldn't believe it. Worked some MORE on the presentation.... It takes a long time. My parents were back so we all went to lunch. Then I ended up back over at their house so I could steal the new pictures from Colorado. My nephews are soooo cute! I can't wait to see them again. I would love to get out to Colorado this year.

Anyway, then we just ran errands the rest of the day.

Sometime right before bed H started puking everywhere and I just had a bad feeling. He was up and down all night. Some time in the very early morning, I had a really bad feeling, but it was my stomach. Thankfully no puking for me, just feeling like I could. Sooooo I called in to work. My co-worker sounded annoyed but sorry, I will be no good running back and forth to the restroom for the false alarms. Plus I have zero energy.

So that is my weekend. Good and bad.... at least its a short week!

Busy, busy, busy

I have been sooo busy doing..... I don't know. Just back to school stuff. Work. Working on my parents presentation and hanging out with Goofball.

And, too busy to even blog that today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce being final. Wow what a great year! This time last year I felt like I was really coming back to life so to speak. I was so tense and so nervous and had little self-esteem. But I was brave and I was strong.

In the Summer of 2005, I packed up my kiddos and loaded the car and then drove from Fargo to Omaha to pick up my dad for the drive home. I really wasn't sure what the plan was. I told the ex I was just going on vacation but I did say I would look for a job. If I found one I was staying and if I didn't, I would go back to Fargo. At the time I wasn't sure would I file or would I try to make it work. I just knew I needed to do something big. I needed to find myself and make myself happy for a change.

I got married young to someone I really didn't know. I had a baby pretty quickly after and then another.... I was lost somewhere in the shuffle of figuring out how to be a mom and a wife.

I hit rock bottom once we moved to Fargo. I was isolated from my family and my comfort zone. At least I had my "girls." This is a group of ladies I meet online. If they were not out there in cyper space for, I would have lost it completely in Fargo. I loved Fargo itself but this is when a bad marriage got worse.

I started to see a therapist and he helped me to get control. Helped me take baby steps, get me back.

He would be so proud. I just know he would be.

And, ya know I am proud too.

By the way, the kids are loving being back in school. Okay maybe not loving it but they aren't bored all day. L is in Kindergarten and is adjusting to not having a nap. H is in 6th and had a little tough few days but by Friday was in the groove. K was really upset at first too. None of her friends were in any of her classes but I think she is feeling better now.

Back to school Tomorrow

Well it is that time of year again. It just amazes me how I can check off another year just like that (snap)..... If you have school-aged children, years are not always run by the calendar but by the school year.

My babies are going in to 8th grade, 6th grade and surprise of all surprises, shock of all shocks.... Kindergarten. All three will be in school, all school-agers. Wow.

When did my babies grow up? When did they change into these people?

Ah well, I love it just the same because I get to be here. I get to watch them everyday and see how much they change and grow. I feel really lucky and blessed by that.

But back to school time does come with some stress....

We have been getting them all ready. Most years it has been fairly easy to get them ready. The school has provided pre-packaged school supplies. Not this year. I have been to 7 places and STILL cannot get all the things they need. Blah! I will have to send them tomorrow without everything. Oh well. Can't be helped and by the looks of many of the other shoppers, they will be doing the same.

See on Friday, there was a small group of us that kept running into each other at the different stores. I would see the parents looking much like I felt and we would half smile at each other with that silent understanding. "This sucks ass."

And, today, the day before, I still need clothes! In this district they have standardized dress code. This just means polo shirts and khakis. No big deal but the fact that I still haven't finished has me a bit on edge.

To make matters worse, Sunday is half way over and we are still in pajamas with no effort to get ready. I have piles of laundry to wash, school supplies to label and sort, and I'm running out of time. Surprisingly, though my words sounds stressed, I actually feel somewhat at peace with this. There is just something good about being lazy especially before a big day.

But, tomorrow will come and another year will start to tick by, before I know it I will be another empty nester. I can't even think that far ahead yet.

For now, I will be happy to have them back in school. I won't be getting phone calls all day because they just can't get along. I will be once again helping with homework, projects and cutting my work day short to run kids around to activities and friends' houses.

This is my life and I am really trying to enjoy the moments. Because after all, they are just moments in time.

Noise, Messy house and empty frig....

Ah the kids are definitely back and I remember why I needed the break! :)

My house is always noisy. More noise than I can take some nights. Not just the kiddos though, but me too. I seem to yell a bit toooooo much. Ack! But, read on....

When I get home after working about 10 hours going crazy busy from start to finish putting my heart and soul into my job because I love it!, I get home and the house is like.... nothing I have ever seen. It is disgusting some days (like today!). Now I realize they are home all day because school hasn't started but stilllllllll.................

I just went to the grocery store like less than a week ago. I have no food! Already! Okay that isn't completely true but I can see empty space in the frig and pantry again. Big.Empty.Spaces.

I wouldn't change this for the world!!!!

Stuff about the ex, kids and the summer

I just need to talk this out a bit as it has been bothering me a lot.

So since the kids have come back from their dad's, they have been telling me various stories about their summer. Most of it doesn't bother me or sound out of the ordinary. But there are little things that have me a bit .... I don't know...... bothered.....

One story that is bothering me is that one day K was really grumpy and ignoring her dad (she was upset with him and his girlfriend). So the ex told the boys that they could kick her..... so I guess she was hiding in the closest and the boys were kicking her. Hmm, WTF!?

All of them are talking about being overweight, which yeah true for at least one of them, BUT L is only 5.... and not overweight! Why should he have to hear that? And, I would never, ever, never tell my kids they were fat. I have just talked about better choices, getting exercise. He had them weigh in every week. Not completely a negative but you can't tell me that is positive either.

Then I guess the girlfriend slept over most nights. It is a one-bedroom apartment and the boys slept in the ex's room with him and the girlfriend.... They were on air mattresses. Now it doesn't bother me so much that he had his girlfriend around the kids, but what does bother me about it is that he hadn't dated her long before the kids came, maybe just a couple of weeks. She went to his parents' with them all too.... for two weeks. I don't know, just something about the situation bothers me. I am hoping it is just some jealously because that I can get over, but I can't help but feel it is just a bad situation. Read on....

When the kids were there for spring break, he introduced him to his last girlfriend and while they were with him, he asked her to marry him. They liked her kids and her nephew, who K still talks to. Well three weeks after the kids left, they split up and he moved back to his apartment. That was mid-April..... Then the next time they go to visit him, he has a new girlfriend? I don't know. Maybe I am just jealous.

I have introduced them to Goofball, but not for months and months after we started dating. I don't want to just bring random people around them. But, I guess what works for me and what I am comfortable with isn't what is comfortable for the ex. It just bothers me that he doesn't see them often and then when he does have them, he can't just put his girlfriends off for just a short time. Okay 2 months is a long time but still.... Did he have to see her everyday? Did she have to go with them to the grandparents'? Did she have to do everything with them? Did she really have to sleep over? Have dinner every night? Again, I am probably just jealous but something is still just nagging me about it....

There are other things like yelling at L for having an accident. Making them eat over towels. Threating to spank them if the apartment was even the least bit messy. They said if even one toy was out when he got home, he would go nuts (I completely believe it as he was like that here). Most of the summer, they were alone a lot because I guess the girlfriend had trouble controlling them and she was asked to babysit them. Also once he was stuck in traffic and decided to drive off the road, up a hill (like by an overpass) and around the traffic. What the.....? How is that safe? And, leaving them alone at the pool! when L can just barely swim! Telling K to lie about her age while she is watching the boys at the pool so the ex knew it was wrong to leave them like that, yet he still did it!

And, while none of these things alone really bother me (okay the safety ones do bother me), it is all of them that just grate my nerves.

I know I am not perfect. I know I have trouble controlling them sometimes but I really try to protect them, be a good mom. Everything I do in life, I am thinking about them. I mess up... but I don't know.... I just don't know.

I guess I am just jealous. Why? Not sure.... but that is the only conclusion I can come up with why these things are bothering me.

Feels weird....

I am home on a Sunday night. Actually I was for the last 2 weeks but tonight is a little different. Goofball is going out and I'm not going with him. It was my choice not to go but it still feels a bit weird.

Oh background, he gets out of the house on Sunday nights. Before the summer, I would go out and meet him most Sundays. Over the summer with the kiddos gone, we went out together for all of them.

Tonight I could get out. Tonight he is out and yet I decided not to go because I have a thing for guy time. He deserves it! He works really hard all week and really deserves to just be free.

So, Goofball, I hope you have (had) fun and yes I do want you to miss me a teeny, tiny bit but not enough not to enjoy yourself. (which I'm sure will NOT be a problem!) I do miss you.

No more sexual frustrations....

At least for tonight.

So Goofball and I were able to get together tonight. It was sort of an anniversary. One year ago on this date, we got to meet for the first time. Call it our "Meet-n-Greet-iversary" (Ha, ha, actually thought of that over dinner but missed the opportunity to say it then!)......

Last year was my Friday off so we met over milkshakes after chatting online for almost 2 months. It was a really nice meet and greet. He seemed nice and well the rest is history as they say.

We went to dinner, ice cream (of course!) and sex. Niiicee. The last was a surprise thing we hadn't planned on. But, oh so good and oh so needed.

So anyway, it was a great night and the sexual frustration is lessened. Thanks, Goofball.

Blogging Naked

As requested by Jenny at Mama Drama. Though I'm not sure she wanted a whole blog entry dedicated just to this idea probably just a link to one entry that I had already written. Well since I'm not really great at following directions, at least not word for word, I wrote this.

The idea of blogging naked is to be completely open, talking about your deepest, darkest secrets or things you might not want the world to know. I mean this is the Internet after all. Anyone can read this.

I am pretty open and do not hide much. Also, I feel I have blogged naked before, in the figurative form only, of course. Any other way, I wouldn't tell! Just use your imagination.

The most recent is this one about my childhood. Now I have no regrets about posting this. None whatsoever, but I would feel a bit of guilt if anyone in my family saw it, read it and was upset by it. It is not meant to hurt but to heal me. It is history. It is done. It has made me me. I like me. But, this is something did also happened to my family. They suffered too. I just wonder do they have the same types of scars and fears that I have. Maybe not but I am sure they have some.

Then I shared my emotional meltdown. It was a bad day but reading it again today, I wonder was I really that stressed because it just doesn't come through to me. At any rate, I felt exposed, vulnerable. At the moment I wrote it, I was really weak, broken and upset.

Well and at one point I discussed my sex life and likes/dislikes....

My "failed" marriage.... here and here and here..... and many other places too.

And, really just so many others I am sure.... I hope that I continue with as much honesty and integrity as I feel I have in this blog so far. I plan to continue to blog naked because it makes it real, something people might be able to relate to and something for me to look back on and see just how far I have come in this journey of mine.

From married with kids to single mom finding herself and beyond!

Personality

Okay last one for the night.... but I thought this was interesting too.

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Are you an easy girl???

Okay I couldn't help it, had to post this one too. For every one I post on my blog, I have probably taken 3 other quizzes.

Don't ya feel special!?

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Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You An Easy Girl?

Only 33% Bitchy

I'm at it again. I can't help myself, I just keep doing these.....


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You Are 33% Bitchy

You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts. Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!

How Bitchy Are You?

I have cool kids

Wow. I cannot believe how much my kids have changed over the summer. Really they were always this much fun but oh how I appreciate them a lot more this time.

So the older two and I just got done with a few hands of Uno. It was a blast! We were just cracking each other up! They are getting to be more like people, not just little kids. It is really great.

Even the little one is just really neat to hang out with. He says the funniest little things. He is also finally old enough to start really playing video games and that is what the three of them are currently doing. This is something that was always a part of my family growing up: games. Both board games and video games.

My dad has always been big into technology so we always seemed to have gaming systems even before they were mainstream. We had some weird thing back in the late 70s. I can't remember the name.... Fairchild? maybe or maybe that is some secret government mission. But, anyway, I just remember something about a machine that my dad hooked up in the TV shop that my grandparents owned and you used a joystick thingy and it drew colors all over the TV screen. Not really a game but when you are somewhere between 5-7 (I can't remember how old but I know it was in this time frame) that was a cool thing.

And we always had board games and card games or we were outside inventing games which my kids do as well. We still play games at almost all family gatherings.

And over the course of the years, I have packed and moved 3 very large, large boxes all full of games. It has been reduced since then but we still have a ton of games in our house.

Sooo anyway, I just had a great, great night hanging out with my kids and it was awesome!

I know that they are older now and as they get older this will not always be the case, so I figure, celebrate when I can.

Oh and as I have been writing this, they have started to fight. But, I'm still smiling because I know that I am still raising really great kids.

My life is....

Well almost perfect! That is about what I would have guessed too. (last one for the night! Promise!)

Your Life is 85% Perfect

You truly have the perfect life. And you probably feel like the luckiest person in the world. You have a great career, family, and personal life. You have it going on!

How Perfect is Your Life?

My eyes should be....

Exactly as they are. Though mine look almost nothing like the ones in this pic, mine are just the same color... sort of... brown.

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Nice Sunday Afternoon

So today was a really nice day. We had a pretty relaxing weekend in general, except for Saturday evening which involved a lot of running kids around.

Anyway, so Saturday night I was let in on a little secret. Goofball was going to visit us the next day. He told me in a way that made me smile and get that giddy feeling in my stomach. He was going to come hang out with me and my kids. Wow. It may seem like a little thing but its not. To me, well this is kinda big. I mean I really appreciate him coming all the way out here just to hang out with us.

It turned out to just be me and my boys. K had spent the night at a friend's house and the mom called to ask if they could all go to a movie. SURE! I'm glad she has a good friend to hang out with. Actually she is quite popular but whatever....

So Goofball, the boys and I played Phase 10. The little on got bored and went to watch a movie. The rest of us continued to play.... Until he won.

We then hung out a bit, fought the obvious sexual frustrations we were both having and then we said good-bye.

And so here I sit, smiling with appreciation that he would just come to hang out. Smiling because I enjoyed the afternoon with him and my boys. And smiling even more knowing at the end of the month (or sooner if I can find a way), we can deal with this mounting sexual frustrations. That should be a lot of fun.

I love Texas

I have never really been able to explain just why really. It is just a Texan thing, I guess. Or maybe it is because I have a strong historical background with Texas. First my great (x a few) grandfather was part of the fight for Texas Independence. (Here is another link about him!) I have other ancestors that had a mark on Texas. Then I was born on Sam Houston's Birthday and Texas Independence day. And, my parents made sure that we knew Texas History. We would take day trips or overnights all over Texas. One because it was all the vacation we could afford back then but two because I think they took great pride in our history as well.

This song by George Strait is great and in my opinion is a great song about Texas. This slideshow someone put together to go with the song is great too! I got goosebumps when I watched it and I already get choked up when I hear the song.

Enjoy it!

The lotto dream

Okay admit it, we all have one. I do. You do.

But, I used to kid myself, make myself believe that I would continue to work after I won. I would need to stay busy after all, right. And, no matter how much I won, I would work.

Bhahahaha! (laughter heard round the World)

Yeah, maybe, just maybe that would be true.....But, I seriously doubt it and especially not after the last couple of weeks at work.

I seriously have been coming home emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Not to mention my drive home is plagued by the most horrible traffic known to man. Okay it isn't thaaaat bad but it is very near close.

And, now that my babies are home, I don't want this kind of feeling. I want to come home and enjoy them. I don't want them to have a tired, stressed out mommy to deal with and then wish they were back with their dad and his girlfriend who both had far more time for them then I have in a loooooong time! (And no I am in no way jealous, I'm just saying they were able to be home for them and make dinner and be a "family"). K made dinner tonight!!!! I was sooo thankfully to her. She is a good girl.

And, then there is a day like today, I got to see Goofball at lunch. Oh that was nice to see him. Yeah and I'm acting like I haven't seen him in weeks when really it hasn't even been a week yet since the last time. Anyway, he looked amazing! even more than usual. Could I separate work and him for even an hour? Not very well and I feel a little bad, not completely because I know he understands but crap, I didn't even tell him he looked nice. Have I mentioned he is the first guy that actually makes me all over hot?! No, I haven't? Oh well, I have a hard time keeping my hands off of him, but whatever.

Sooooo anyway, do you think it is a good thing that work has me so drained? Would you call that a good day at the office? I know I will have to get to bed earlier tonight or I will NOT wake in the morning. Plus I want to have breakfast for a change that isn't a bar. No not alcohol but like a nutritional bar thingy.... I think I will need the fuel to get through the day.