...... So the kids are back (of course) and K has been talking to me a lot about her dad and his soon-to-be.... While she likes her future step-brother and sister, she is not that thrilled with the step-mom or her dad. See, back in the fall sometime, he promised her he would not get remarried. He said he respected her too much to do that. She told me about it at the time and I tried to say (without putting her dad down too much) that I couldn't make a promise like that because it was unrealistic. I did say that I had no intentions of getting remarried anytime soon but I would hope that someday I would find someone that I loved that much and that I hoped she would want the same for me. We have talked about this a lot actually.
Well she told me that her dad broke that promise and now she cannot trust him. She did say she could trust me. I said are you saying that just to make me happy and because you think that is what I want to her? She looked me right in the face and said no, its the truth. So as we talked, I tried really hard, really hard! not to bad mouth her dad but also to discuss the issue and give respect or validation to her feelings. She can feel that distrust and I explained that was one of the many reasons that we got a divorce because he just couldn't keep promises to me. But, I did say, that does not mean you cannot learn to trust him again and that she really should give him another chance or two or three. You are his daughter and always will be. He loves you and he doesn't mean to do this to hurt you. While he shouldn't have promised you he wouldn't get remarried, he is and you need to give them a chance.
I'm so sad for her that she has found all this out about him. I had really hoped that he would not do this to them (hurt them) but as much as I want to hate him, I am happy that he has found someone that he loves enough to want to marry. He has always had a real knack for hurting the kids with his actions. He does a lot of things without thinking it out. You just do not make unrealistic promises to a child.... or anyone for that matter.
H is hurt by him too. He was sick yesterday and stayed home. He cleaned the whole house. Well it was pretty clean already but he just got all their stuff put away from being away and finished the dishes.... He has been different. Even 4 year old, L has been different. Quiet and won't talk much about the trip/visit. Today he started to say that he was getting a new brother (step-brother),but then stopped like he wasn't suppose to say it. I got him to talk about it and he smiled and sadly, he looked relieved to say something. I really hope the ex didn't tell them not to talk to me or something, or make it seem like it was suppose to be a big huge secret..... something.
When and if it is my turn to get remarried, especially if the kids are still young and living at home, I do not want to hurt them with it. I want them to give their true and honest blessing to me (I would love if the guy asked them for permission first before asking me). I will not be with someone that is going to disrespect my children and will know when things that are said should be kept private (K starting her period, not telling everyone in front of her!). And, being funny is one thing, but teasing in a mean and hurtful way will not be tolerated.
So I am walking that fine line between bad mouthing dad and biting my tongue, smiling and just nodding my head as I listen.