Emotional Meltdown

My day went down like this:

My work day was long. I put out more fires than actually checking things off the to-do list. Plus my motivation took a vacation or something because I couldn't focus. Not to mention my stress over money. I worked late. Called to check on my mom because she had surgery almost 2 weeks ago. Well she asked about the rent. Would I be paying for June since I didn't pay for May.... then she continues on by lecturing me on where I can cut my expenses. Yikes! I know, I know....

Then came home to a trashed out house and wild children. H and L were just running around like crazy. Screaming and jumping around. As an introvert, I get over-stimulated easily! Well then H and L started attacking K. She screams and runs. My house is maybe 1,000 sq ft. So there is no escaping.

Well L starts climbing around and breaks a glass candle holder. Are you kidding me?! Glass everywhere. Yikes!

Then more running. Then L pees his pants. My stress level just kept rising and rising until.... My toilet broke. What? No that has nothing to do with anything except that is when I had my meltdown. I could not fix it. I knew I could if I had the parts but I just couldn't function because of the stress. I tried to super-glue the part just to get by until I could get to Home Depot or Lowe's. Well that didn't work.... well ummm, I really knew that was going to happen, but it was worth a try. Like I said I'm an introvert so with my stress level so high and my anxiety on the edge of tipping.... I could not even think about what part I would need if I went to the store.

I called my dad, very calmly.... Until he answered. I lost it! I don't know what it was but I had reached my limit. My dad calmed me a little bit and said he would be over. But, he also said something that has me still a bit upset. He said that I need to be more self-reliant. Well, yeah! But, I'm trying just today I had it. I just couldn't deal anymore.

I hung up and just cried and cried. Then got myself together so I could clean my house!

Dad came. Calmly checked out the problem. Got the broked part, ran up to Home Depot. Came back.... hugged me this time.... and then fixed my toilet. Wonderful!

I'm still a bit on edge but hoping a night of sleep will work.

Just a vent

Overall, my life rocks. I love my freedom. I love my job. My kids. My friends..... What sucks is money. I still have no good feeling of security here. I screwed up my account recently which cost me big time. It was just a simple error but I don't have enough money to make an error.... No cushion.

Yet I found out that the ex.... who whines and complains about money far more than me just went out and bought a Wii gaming system..... Are you kidding me? I can barely put gas in my car and feed the kids, my bills are always behind, yet you can do that. Please do not whine to me again.

I can say that at least child support is always on time and always paid.

Okay just had to get this out before I explode from the stress.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Well even though I was a bit cranky and I felt like pure crap! oh and the kiddos were hyper little monkeys all weekend, it still turned out to be pretty darn good.

It rained off and on all weekend. I freakin' love the rain! But this has also lead to a lot of sexual frustration. Yeah, I really like the rain. Of course seeing Goofball twice didn't help that frustration and in fact, it left me quite unable to make any kind of decision. I already have a bit of a problem with being decisive. I tend to be fairly wishy-washy or just so laid back, but add to that a huge, big ole helping of sexual frustration, and yeah I was pretty much one-tracked minded last night. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know...." (Fuck?) Oh well. Did I mention I really like the rain?

But, it was great seeing him last night. We didn't really do much but hang out and we got to talk a lot which was fun. He doesn't know but he did get me quite turned on simply by being so sweet to my kiddos too. There is nothing sexier than a man that is good to kids (well and good to animals.)

Then he called me today and asked me to lunch.... "Umm, let me think about that.... HELL FUCKING YEAH!" Forget that I have to drive about 30-40 mins away and in the pouring ass rain.... I'm so there (no not complaining, I'm just saying I wouldn't say no). It was totally worth it. I really enjoy his company and even a few minutes would be worth the drive! An hour was all we got but it was perfect. I just can't wait until next Sunday.

Other than that, the kids and I have just been hanging out, watching movies and playing. They leave next weekend for most of the summer. I'm going to miss them but I will enjoy the break.

Hope you all had a good weekend too.

Happy Memorial Day to those that fought and died for our country! And, in honor of those that are fighting now, because we should do that everyday that they fight, no matter what the reason, they are doing their job.

Everyday Superhero - Smash Mouth

I have a lot of random thoughts that I want to put in to a blog but nothing solid enough to post yet. Mostly its just whining because I have been in a bad mood for days now! or just snarky? I don't know.

So here is just a song I like. Dedicated to all those ordinary everday super heroes! I think of it as a song for those that don't really realize how much of impact they have on others and really at the end of the day, they are just human.



Everyday Superhero - Smash Mouth

Every morning I wake up just the same
Another victim, of ordinary fame
I don't see myself as invincible
It's not... true at all

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

Just a day job, someone's got to do
It's kinda hard when everyone looks up to you
Try to make it look easy
Gonna make it look good
Like anybody would

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

I'm just like everybody else
After all the hype is hard to tell
I keep my game face on so well

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
I'm trying to save the world
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
I try to hide my true identity
But no one knows it's only me

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

Stuck in the land of the sick

So the youngest has been sick for the last two days. I am going fucking nuts! Climbing the walls. Got cabin fever.

Mostly because I know I should have been at work the last two days. I have waaaay tooo much to do! We have a million things going on. I am not a workaholic by any means but I know I need to get my job done. Sometimes I do work late, sometimes I work long hours but it isn't often.

But, ya know what else I noticed this week, I hate being a single mom. Okay wait, not a single mom, I actually like that (freedom, no fighting! no tension!).... but I hate that the dad lives so far away! The fucker! Oh well, again, he is missing out. But, it does suck not to have a back up. Back up is usually my mom but she had surgery on Monday. Thankfully she is doing well.

L should be able to go back to day care tomorrow! That is good news because we have two large events next week and I need to get back to get everything ready! Catering, gifts, make sure the room is set up, make sure everyone knows where to go! make sure everyone's shirts came in. Get shirts to all the coordinators. Etc, etc. etc! Plus all my other daily stuff.

Somehow I know it will all get done. Tuesday's event will go great and at least I will have some time before the one Thursday, plus its in California so there is less for me to do.

Send get well vibes to the boy and don't go insane vibes to me!

One Year Blogiversary!

One year ago my life sucked hard. I was at the end of my rope or so I thought. One day I looked down and realized I could just about touch ground, so I let go. I let go of my hurt, my anger, my feelings of failure. The hate that I had for my ex for hurting me and the kids. The hurt I had brought myself for the wrongs I did in the marriage. I was unemployed, alone. We had just officially filed for divorce too. Like I said, the end of my rope, but I let go of that rope. Took some risks and my feet touched the ground. Then I just started off on a new path. I shouted "Do Over!" and started my journey.

I never liked to climb rope anyway and much prefer to be on my feet for the journey ahead.

Once I let go, I found a job, found some new friends (one really special one) and really found myself. I have used this blog to document that journey and have grown a lot. It is my own personal dumping ground and place of sharing, sorting and growing. I see other blogs that are used for more entertainment purposes or to share with family and friends their life's. And while mine is not the best written nor the most visited, it suits me well. It is me! What you see is what you get kinda place.

I'm still amazed at the changes in my life this past year. Its just amazing. There are still things to do, places to go and people to see. While I'm not still in that "take risks" place like I was, I'm still very confident and comfortable with who I am now. A year ago, I was lost. My ex really stole my identity or maybe I just gave it up for him because that is what I thought he wanted but not really. See I think he lost himself in our marriage too. I think that is why I had to leave him in 2005. I knew we were both lost, together. He liked climbing rope and I liked walking. Our journey together had to come to an end. As sad as I was to realize that, I was happy too.

And while I'm not still searching for myself, I still have this journey to enjoy. I still have kids to raise, Goofball to get to know better and friends to stay connected too. I still need a place to dump my brain.

Life from here looks good and I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for me! Oh and just so you know, I'm not so naive to think that everything is always wonderful and happy, but GAWD! I really feel free like never before.... and that can just make anything look pretty darn good.

What is the one sound or phrase...

.... that makes any sound asleep parent wake and ready for anything? The sound of a child vomiting or the words, "I'm going to throw up..." quickly followed by the sound of a child vomiting. Niiiiice. So much for that great dream I was having.

It doesn't help matters either if said child sleeps with you and now you can't get back to sleep.

Looks like I will be calling in to work today. Means I will have to work on Friday so that I can get paid for the holiday on Monday. Oh well. No worries.... except for the 50 million things I have to do at work! The two very important meetings I must attend. The Summer Intern Event I need to get ready for. The fact that our "big" boss is here this week and we were suppose to sit down to talk about my new job as well as a few other things we have going on.

But, honestly, I'm really worried about my sick child and he comes first.

I would normally call in for back-up and not miss work but my back-up is down and out from surgery on her foot/leg. Thankfully she seems to be doing well. I was worried. Ya know, no matter how old you are, you still need your mom (okay maybe just me!). I get a bit worried when she is sick or in this case recovering. She is my mom afterall.

Anyway, back to the patient. Hopefully we can get this under control soon.

Just random babble....

I just have a bunch of random babble on my brain.

I guess first and foremost, I had a great Sunday night. I wasn't planning to post about it and well I still don't plan to say much. Why? No reason, just some things I like to share and some things I like to hold in my pocket. I posted his link so that should fill you all in.

I don't know what it was about last night, but it felt really good!

I guess really the thing I want to talk about is fighting. Is it possible to still be tired from all the fighting I did in my marriage even after being divorced for nearly a year and separated for almost 2 years?? Because I am still really tired from it. I don't want to be in a relationship with a lot of fighting. Some is normal, some can be resolved. It is unrealistic to think people that are close that are around each other a lot that have shared space, shared bills, etc.... But ya know daily stress, daily tension and daily fights, I just can't handle.

Well here is the thing that we talked about last night. See his buddy just shacked up with this chic. First I want to say, I got all kinds of creeped out when I met her. Not a good vibe coming off of that chic. They were fighting. It happens. I have moved OMG so many times and it is stressful. Understandable. However, he seemed a little reluctant to go back in the house. Poor Buddy!

He started the conversation out by saying that Goofball and I don't seem to fight, that we seem like a good couple (ha!).... He went so far as to say we should get married (or something like that, can't remember the EXACT words). (double ha, ha!). Goofball and I were both like "Oh hell no!"..... Been there, done that, got the baggage to prove it.

We both pretty much said that we don't want to get back into something because of fighting (other reasons too, but I know my big one is fighting).... Yep, yep!

And, really we aren't together enough to fight. Actually I like what we have because I do not take it for granted. I really appreciate and really enjoy our time together. Especially the sex, did I mention the sex? (sigh....) Sorry got sidetracked.

But, what I didn't say last night is that if I were to get remarried, I would be quicker to find a solution, compromise quicker and be a lot pickier about which battles I want to fight. I don't think I would be such a nag, such a bitch. Really the second time around, I want someone I can enjoy life with. I want to laugh. I want to just have a friend, companion... not just a husband. (Yes I should have had this the first time but it is a must for the second time around)

Now I am still no where near ready to get remarried. I'm not opposed to it someday but I just can't see it in the next year or two being on the top of my list of "to-dos".... Oh hell no. More like a 2-3 year plan before I truly even think about it. I mean life could change but I don't see my thinking change too much.

So anyway that's all I had to say.....

I’m feeling lucky

Ya know on Google when you are doing a search... You type in your keyword or phrase, and you have two options: Google search or I’m feeling lucky.

Well that’s how I feel! Lucky but not lucky in the rubbing the rabbit’s foot, found a four-leaf clover, making a wish on the first star I see tonight, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow type of way. Nope more of the mental, emotional feeling type of way. I feel sassy, lively, and vivacious….. I think!? No wait, confident!

And, I think that’s the way the Google people meant that button to make you feel. I am feeling confident that by pushing this button, I will find just what I am looking for. That the top search, will be my result. Okay I’m not pushing buttons to feel this way but still…..

I just plain feel good, lucky. Do you?

This is not to say that things around me are all lollipops and sunbeams. No sir! More like a bit chaotic. Still a bit crazy and stressful which is par for the course with kiddos, right? But I think the big huge anchoring stressors have been raised and I am free to sail.

The job was a huge stressor and with it the stress over money and benefits and security all gone! It feels good.

Then this next part might sound a bit selfish and heck we all know that as a mother I can’t be selfish, ever! But, oh well, I am a woman too. A woman with needs. People that know me know me so it’s all good.

My kids will be leaving soon to go with their dad. I will have ME TIME! Not to mention I can save money. Not having the day care expense will be a huge savings! I don’t need to buy as much food each week. I don’t have to worry about all the electricity that I’m wasting and by me, I mean the kids. Big savings all summer! The house will stay clean. No whining. No craziness (except maybe when Goofball is around…. But that is more fun!).

Of course I will miss them but that should go without saying.

I have so much I want to do and I want this lucky, sassy feeling to fuel me through it! I have a ton of projects that I want to do around the house. Lots!!!

There are people to see, places to go, things to do and I feel like I could do it all!

The Cracked Pot

Just something fun to share..... of course, I didn't make this up and have no idea who to give the credit to.... So if I stole this from you, sorry! :)

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream, "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" “That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Job Update

I got it! I got it! I got it!!!!!!!!!

Finally some security. Finally some benefits! FINALLY!!!!!!

This time last year I was an unemployed single mom. This year is very different. What will next year be like? Hopefully just more of the same. Get my feet under me a little more. New car, start saving for a little bit bigger house. Some day a real vacation!

Thanks for all the well wishes!

(Can you tell I'm excited?)

Mama Drama - Makeover Contest

Hey all, please visit Mama Drama today!

I am one of them but if you don't know me, I'm not telling which one I am.

Enjoy!

Interviewing tomorrow

This time last year I was unemployed. I had lost yet another contract job.

So the story goes in Aug 2005, I started working at a hospital as an Admin Assistant.... I worked there as a temp employee for about 8 mths. I interviewed for the positions and they hired someone else. That's fine. Next job, I worked there only about 5 weeks before I was told I did not get that job either. Why? I don't know. I think this place would have kept me but I know the boss was worried the drive was too much for me and when I got my degree I would move on.... Since that's what the person before me did. Honestly I would have moved to be closer to that job and I would have stayed forever. I loved it!

Then I was out of work for about 5 weeks before getting my current job. Its another temp job. So I started there in June 2006 so not quite 11 months. I love this job! It is with a major oil and gas company. I'm in HR. I love HR. They have awesome benefits. Awesome pay. An awesome culture.....

So tomorrow I have to interview for the position. There are two other candidates, I think. Anyway, I know I'm a good employee. I am more marketable this year. But, I am still nervous as hell!!!!!! How much would that suck if I didn't get this job? I have been doing it for all this time and have gotten a lot of praise.

I will post an update as soon as I know more but yikes! I'm nervous!!!!!

Lemon Cupcakes

Okay so these weren't made from scratch but they should be pretty good anyway! And, its not because I can't but it would involve more organization and more thinking than I am currently willing to do.

I love this lemon mix by Duncan Hines. It is really yummy. Kind of a light taste, not to tart, not to sweet. Just good.

I needed to do something for myself because I am in a grumpy mood! The kids have been brats. So much for a peaceful day. Whah!

Oh well!

Happy Mother's Day

Another Hallmark Holiday! Don't get me wrong, I love to say thanks to my mom and I do truly think that mom's should have a day to be celebrated but! why does it all have to be overdone! Beautiful Disaster has caught some of my thoughts on it! I mean, GAG! I don't want jewelry. I really truly don't.

All I want for Mother's day is something from my kids. Not really store bought though that is nice. I would rather have a homemade card, maybe breakfast made for me and hey, if they could just pick up after themselves for ONE DAY! Really my biggest wish would just be some peace, harmony and a clean house. I don't want the kids to fight. I don't want to have to serve them or cook or clean for just that one day. That would be enough.

I do get the idea. I truly do. Like Valentine's Day. It is a great idea! But, why commercialize it so.

Honor your mother and all the mom's in your life! They work really hard. (as do many of the dad's but your day is coming).

Happy Mother's DAY!!!!!!

9 truths and a lie

So Aimee over at GreebleMonkey tagged me with this meme.

I have to post 10 things about me. 9 are true, 1 is a lie. Guess which one?!

1. I was in the Navy for 8 years.

2. I have lived in 4 states.

3. I got pg with my daughter within the first few weeks of dating my ex-h.

4. When I was 4 I cut my left pointer finger nearly off by pulling a table saw over on myself.

5. I have a birthmark on my left side of my neck, shoulder and arm.

6. I used to aspire to be a race car driver.

7. I was once arrested for public nudity.

8. I haven't been to a concert since 2002.

9. I love play-doh!

10. I was in Girl Scouts until I graduated from High school.

Now guess which one is the lie. I'm sure people that know me for even 5 mins will be able to guess but still!!!!

So I have to tag people. Yikes, the hard part. Aimee tagged most of the people I know. Oh well. I guess if I had to tag people.... then Trapped, Esmerelda, Mrs. Wheezer, Beautiful Disaster (if you are still reading) and anyone at MamaDrama. And anyone else that would just looove to do it!

Thanks Aimee! It was fun.

Now guess!

Asshole men

Okay let's see. I wrote about Crazy Bitch so it is only fair I define what an asshole man truly is. This is from personal experience and my opinion not true fact. (Ha, ha! like anything I write is, right?)

So I would say the first things that make a guy an ass would be.... Not calling even after saying you will. Just don't say you will if you have no intentions of following through with it.

Then there is the whole "he just isn't into you" type. By this I mean, the only time he is interested is when sex is involved. I have dated a few guys or talked with a few guys that were "busy" all the time unless I mentioned "sex". Then suddenly they had all the time in the world! Just a few choice words and describing what you want, the guy drops everything to talk. If I mention anything else, he is gone again.

Then there is the whole rude guy, so full of himself that he forgets what common courtesy is. The guy that is rude to the waiter/waitress. That may open the door for you (to impress you) but then let's it slam shut in the face of the older lady that is walking behind you. Guys if you think we don't notice, we do! I like to see how you act around other people. Even if you didn't hold the door for me, but do hold it for the mom of two trying to herd a screaming toddler, give the baby its pacifier and push the cart out of the store at the same time.... Then that makes you a hero to me.

Also you think that the whole world should revolve around you. Now I am all about hearing about your day, your life and you. But, sometimes it is nice to have someone ask how I am, how my life is. If I have told you that something important is happening in my life, and you do not take it as serious as I do (meaning you don't ask me about it) then you are an asshole. Sorry. It is about common courtesy. And, yeah I don't need to be the center of attention but some interest would be nice.

If you take me to your friend's house, one that I have never meet and then ignore me completely.... I think that is just plain rude. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to be the center of attention but at least introduce me, at least draw me/include me in the conversation.

If you are controlling, you don't take in to consideration what I think or want or might like.... I mean don't get me wrong, I can be pretty indecisive but at least think about it! Show some interest.

If you ignore my kids, if you are mean to animals.... you don't have to like my kids, you don't have to like animals, but damn, don't be mean!

Just for the record, Goofball is about the opposite of all of these things! He likes to think he is an asshole (at least he says it a lot) and maybe in someways but not these ways. Or maybe he just hasn't shown me yet. I don't know. Maybe I just choose to ignore it!

So anyway..... those are some of my thoughts on it. I am sure there are more things that I'm missing but those are the big ones on my mind.

The story of my youngest, L, just because!

L is my youngest and my most surprising baby! The story is this. I had K quite by surprise, but different surprise.... like some people might call it an accident but I say a surprise. It was something I didn't know that I always wanted! H was another surprise but again, more of the accident kind. I was on the pill. So they are 19 months apart. Not by choice but by some higher plan.

Then after H was born, I started the depo-provera shot. This is a shot that lasts for 3 months. So every 3 months for just over a year, I got them. Then I went on a stronger type of birth control pill than I had been on before. The reason: we were talking about having a third baby so we wanted to get ready for it. With the shot, I didn't have a period and it was very effective!

Well H was a sick baby. Ear infection after ear infection, cold after cold. I swear the child was always at the doctor or the hospital and lived on meds for the first 3 years. Seriously everyone knew us and that is a little strange for military doctors/nurses because the staff changes so much. He had two surgeries, one for his ears(actually had this one twice) and one for his hand. But, by the time he was 3, he was doing much, much better! So we thought, hey, why not try now. So I got off the pills.

Month after month, I hoped and waited. AF would arrive. Damn. Did you know you could convince yourself you are pregnant and even have all the symptoms?

I finally just thought, well that's it. Family of 4. I just didn't think it would ever happen. After nearly 3 years of trying and frustration. I couldn't it anymore. The ex was happy with that because he really only wanted one kid. I wanted four but whatever.

Well September 2001, I went to a new ob/gyn for my annual. This was out of the military and it was a little overdue (usually happens in March... TMI??).

She starts talking about birth control, what were we using?..... I started bawling like a big ole baby. She closed my record and said, "Sounds like there is a story here, want to talk?" (I loved this doctor!!!) After I told her the story, she said, "I think I can help."

She started me on some meds. I was to wait until Oct 10th to take the set. I had to take them for 10 days each month (ovulation). She said in three months we will revisit this and see how you are doing.

Well I explained this all to my now ex, and said, "If you don't want to have a baby, please tell me now or use protection." He did neither. So when Oct 10th rolled around, I started taking them. We had sex one time.

Well the next week, I was sick, sick, sick... I felt like this for a few weeks. So on Nov 4th, I took a test. B.F.P! Holy Fuck I was pregnant! Also saw Monsters, Inc on this day.... so I just knew I would have a girl. My doctor was jumping up and down for me in genuine excitement for me!

When I told the ex that I was pg, he looked at me and said, "I hate you." packed and left. Well great.... I should have let him go. He came back later and we talked. I was hurt and pissed and sick. I always got bad morning (all day) sickness. Anyway, we stayed together.

It was fairly uneventful from there. We backed out of the house we were having built (I should have seen that coming) and bought an older house in Clear Lake. We painted all the kids' rooms and I had a lot of fun!

My mom went to the ultrasound with me.... and guess what, turns out it was a boy!!!! Very clearly a boy.

My older two were 8 and 6 1/2 when he was born. I made them shirts "I'm a big sister, again." and "I'm a little and a big brother." They loved them!

This was the best baby ever. He ate well, slept well, very alert, smart baby boy. He used to actually sleep in his own bed! I could even put him to bed awake and he would just hang out for a few until he fell asleep.

Some where along the way, we all spoiled him freakin' rotten! My mom watched him for most of the first year while I still worked. She spoiled him (in a good way), her dog spoiled him by bringing him toys and taught him about balls (Jack Russell Terrier, she would die for a ball). At age one, I got to start staying home with him! I never got to stay home with the other kids! We then moved to Fargo and it was just he and I most of the time.

The ex and I had problems the whole time and I think we focused all our energy on this kid. Kinda overcompensating for the unlove we had for each other. It sucked.

So anyway, this kid is so spoiled! He gets everything he wants. He sleeps with me. This may have happened despite the problems with his dad and I, he is the baby and he is so much younger than the other kids. So not only do the parents spoil him but the other kids spoil him a bit too!

I realized the other day.... like a big ole reality check. He will be in Kindergarten this coming year. When did that happen?!?!? My baby? No way?

Anyway, this is my angel baby. My especially special one. My last baby. My little boy. Graduating Class of 2020!

Coming soon: The story of K and the Story of H.

Crazy Bitch

What does this mean? I hear guys say "women are crazy".... But what does that mean? Does that mean different things to different people? Is it someone who is too clingy? Someone who plans your future's together on the first date?? A Stalker, showing up uninvited, unannounced? Someone that breaks in when you aren't home, maybe steals a pair of boxers or photographs herself in your bed!? Expecting men to read your mind, not respecting guy time? Expecting perfection? Nagging, nagging, nagging until you just have ringing in your ears?

Yeah I would say all this means crazy bitch!

But, does it mean someone that calls too much? Too many emails? I mean what is too much and then on one hand, umm yeah, I agree! But, on the other, is it really bad? Doesn't show interest.

Read on....

See women think contact/communication shows interest. Just look at blogs by Single Gals, look at the books and shows geared towards single women. "He's just not that into you." What is the main theme here? Well, if he doesn't call, doesn't email, text, surprise you from time to time, he just isn't interested!

Soooo this translates to women wanting to show interest. Hey, maybe some of them over do it! I say play a little hard to get. So interest but don't over do it! Come on, gals. Space! Guy time. Let them breath a bit.

I have been called crazy. I have been called a bitch. But, I have never been called a crazy bitch. And, usually just called that when in a very heated argument. No bigs. I am not the stalker type. I know limits. I respect guy time. I don't nag (much, hey admit it. we all do!). I can do stuff for myself.

So I have also been told good stuff.... Like I'm fun. I'm cool. I'm funny.... blah, blah, blah! Its all good the blahs are not a bad thing here. The point is to basically find a balance that works or just accept that men are going to think that women are crazy bitches. Period.



Coming soon: Asshole men!

Weekend Update (Mostly about Goofball!)

So I feel like blogging/writing something but since I don't ever write anything earth shattering, I figured nobody would mind if I just write about my weekend. Plus I have some Goofball stuff bouncing around in my head.

Friday was a work day for me (I get every other one off). But, I ended up only working until around 1:00. I had to pick L up for speech therapy. After speech, I got him in the tub, ironed our clothes and then got us both dressed for a wedding we had that evening. The big kids came home.... showers (quick!!!), dressed and we were off to my Aunt's house to pick up some of the food for the wedding. Bust butt to get down to Texas City (from Pearland.... easily an hour drive). Almost spilled all the soup in the process. Anyway, got to the wedding. It was great! My cousin looked to pretty!!!! I miss her! We used to be pretty close as kids. She looked so in love. Ah, to have that feeling someday.

Got home around 11:30.... I think??? Maybe it was earlier, maybe it was later either way.... (see next paragraph!)

Saturday game day. Sadly we missed L's game because we overslept. Oh well! Really lazy Saturday though. Didn't move much. H had a game at 6:30..... It was good. They didn't win but did really well anyway.

Sunday. Grocery store, some cleaning, did water balloons with the kids! L broke out in a big rash earlier in the day but was better-ish in the afternoon.

Then Sunday evening, I went to see Goofball. Now I wasn't planning to see him this week but he asked and I can't turn him down! Really I didn't have a reason that I wasn't going to see him, just that I didn't think we were going to get together. I was really happy he asked.

Here is the thing, I'm all about space in a relationship but honestly that's a lot of what we get. However, I think that is part of the reason our relationship works is because we don't get to see each other but a few times a month, so we appreciate the time more and enjoy it. But, this is also a downside..... because it means not knowing each other quite as well as two people that have been talking for 10+ months should....See online helps you get to know a lot of things about a person, such as, likes and dislikes, most embarrassing story or what you did after High School, but you don't get to really know someone. Mannerisms and tone of voice, hand gestures and smell, their walk or that sparkle in their eye..... At least that is my thoughts, don't know his.

Back to space in a relationship, I think this is important for both people. VERY IMPORTANT! Couple time is good, great. And, in a family situation, yeah family time is needed too. But, each person needs some downtime. Goofball really only has Sunday nights as his downtime and while I would looooove to take every single one of them. I won't pressure him for that. 1. because we are still just casually dating and 2. because that is his time. If he asks me, I will see him and if he doesn't I hope he has a great time!!!! Not as great as he would with me but I mean every night can't be perfect! (Ha, ha).

Also he was going to a friend's house last night to do some handy work for her. Cool. He is a great guy, did I mention that? So he was teasing (at least I think he was teasing) and said I wouldn't be the center of attention while he worked. Ha, ha. But, ya know, I don't expect to be when we are around his friends. That is his hanging out time with them and when I tag along, I am just happy to be near him. So I just smile and talk when necessary but otherwise, I am just happy that I am not miles away on a computer. (Emails and IM is fun, but in person or phone is sooooo much better!!!).

Then I hope he doesn't think I'm totally lame for getting too tired on him. I really did want to go to the Cheesecake Factory.... but (and here is the part I didn't tell him), I started having cramps so add that to the tired and I just didn't want to be around other people. So we sat in my car and talked for a little while..... I have to be honest that was the second best part of the night. Of course the first best was having great sex! Did I mention how good the sex is? No? I should mention that some time. Goooood. Can't wait for Friday... hope Friday happens. I never expect it until he is actually here. No expectations, bay-bee!

Anyway, I like talking to him. I still have like a million things I want to talk about but it can wait. No rushing, no pressure, no expectations. I just want to enjoy each moment for what it is and not think about anything else. Yeah I'm sounding all dreamy.... I think its because I'm freakin' tired! Got home late but it was totally worth it because I had a good weekend!!

Hope you all have a good week.

Scars

I love this song by Papa Roach. It really describes my current feelings on my ex.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

This is the part I am mostly talking about. I will open myself to him sometimes because I care too much. Just in general. And, each time I do, I get hurt and I have to sew myself shut against him again.

Then this part.....

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I have tried so many times to help him (mostly while we were still married, now not so much.) I still give him a bit of advise now and listen to him when he needs to talk. I know I will always have some type of relationship with him and I think that's why I try to care. Compassions in my nature but I can't always help him, I can't always be there to listen. I feel like I'm done with sympathy towards him.

And....

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I think that says it all. I gotta move on with my own life and I think I have pretty darn well without him if I do say so myself!!!! It is almost my Blogiversary and I will talk more about my progression from last year to this. Lots of growth in myself and I feel good!

Oh and I love Papa Roach!!!!

Role Models - Part Two

I decided there may be a third discussion about role models as I think it is very important. My children are 12 (nearly 13), 11 and 4 going on 5..... Two June Bdays.

The two older ones are at an age that I think is very important. I can see K starting to pull more towards friends and defining herself. She doesn't need me nearly as much. Her friends are now her source of answers. Her friends are the ones she shares things with. It has been coming for a long time. I am sure I was cut out a long time ago, but it has just recently gotten more defined. All I get these days is backtalk and attitude. Yesterday, I, not so proud of this, got right up in her face yelling at her. Basically just saying to stop with the attitude that I don't deserve. I later apologized and said that was uncalled for but I was not sorry for the things I said, just the way I said them. I can admit I am wrong.

Anyway, I do not want my kids to think yelling is okay. My mom is a yeller (or was) and while I can't imagine my grandmother (her mom) as a yeller, I bet there was a lot of yelling given my aunts and uncle's behavior as adults! They are FUN!!!! (I miss my uncle sometimes).

Back to yelling.

This is not the type of behavior I want my kids to emulate. They already do far too much and I hate it. Honestly it may even be too late to break the habit, the cycle will continue..... Because I don't always react appropriately. "STOP YELLING!!" .... children's "are you stupid" looks facing me as if to say, "Umm good job mom. Yell at us to stop yelling. Here's your sign"

I try, I try, I try!

But, I need a break to recharge. I have had quite a few large stressors lately. Soon I should know more about one and hopefully can put that to bed and move forward. This one may also solve my biggest stressor. Okay stress should not be an excuse but it is a reason.

Anyway, back on track:

So I do not feel like I am a great role model given the yelling. But, I think I'm good. I try to be strong for the kids. They do not see me cry often and when I do it is usually over something on TV, not life. I mean life sometimes sucks. Things do not go the way you want. You deal and move on. That is just reality.

I know that sometimes I like to wallow in my depression and have myself a pity party on here or in emails or in conversation or whatever, but that is my way of releasing it. I used to bottle up my feelings. A few years of therapy and I can tell you exactly how I feel. Once it has a name, I can work on it, solve it and move on. Much better life this way. So even if I write something that sounds like I am just going to slit my wrist at any minute. It is just my feelings at the moment. Like I said, I was trained to deal with these things so I do.

Let's see.... strong, open, can express my feelings. I think those are good things, yes?

I worry about H in this though. I think he is a lot like I was in that he can't express himself too well and bottles things up. Then he will explode. I have tried to apply what I know to him but I think once he gets back from his dad's this summer, I will start him in therapy. Couldn't hurt.

Let's see what else? Fun. I think I am fun. Not all the time but a lot. Like once, I bought silly string, just because and we had a blast with it. Sometimes I get water balloons (ooohhh maybe I will get those today). Last weekend, I got the hose out and was water my grass (and dirt). Well the boys came out so I started spraying them. They loved it.

I also try to show them that you can do anything you want. I went to school for over 4 years and worked and raised them. We moved cross-country... twice during this time and I became a single mom. They saw all that (okay L won't remember most but I hope the foundation is still there).

I have told them that they do not have to go to college right away if they do not feel ready. They do have to work (and I do expect them to go when they are ready, like me). I put a lot of value on work(ing). There are so many different types of jobs and things that can be classified as work. But, if you do nothing (and I mean NOTHING) and are able to work. Well that is just ..... well I don't respect it. Like I said, many things are working but I have known people that literally do nothing all day. TV, video games and they do not move much from that one spot. Not a good thing at all.

I think I will always work. I like to work. Even if I didn't have to, I think I would find something to do. Volunteer probably with either animals or children or both.

I also put a lot of value on learning. I think learning should happen for life and doesn't have to take place in a classroom or structured environment. It can happen by reading, by exploring, researching and by asking questions. Anyway, I think education and learning is important!

Okay so I could probably go on and on with this subject, hence the need for part three.

In general, I think I'm a pretty good mom. I have some strengths and I know my weaknesses. In this I can improve or just know my kids are doomed. Either way I think they are pretty good kids.

So stay tuned for more. Oh and I know I said the next one was going to be about female role models but I decided to do it this way. Better to shot from the hip.

Role Models - Part One

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. With their dad living in Dallas and us in Houston, the 4+ hour drive is a huge distance. With the potential for him to be moving yet AGAIN! I was talking to him today and he said that there was a manager position opening in both Minnepolis and .... well I don't remember the other, Omaha, maybe? All I know is he is going to at least apply and the last time he applied he was the second choice but of course that doesn't mean much. If you're not first, you're last. Right Ricky Bobby?

So since July of last year, he has seen the kids for Labor day, Mid-October, Mid-November, Christmas, Mid-February, March for a week of Spring Break and then April 20-22th when I went to Dallas. This is actually just about every month... but 7 times in 10 months.... Well wow, that's not a lot when your kids are still young and need you, right?

My kids do have role models. My dad, Uncle J, a few of my male cousins who are like brothers and then of course there are my brothers. Though neither of them are here now, they are great role models. My bro, B, is in Iraq. My other bro, J, is in Colorado. Both have kids and both are great dads. I have some friends that could be great role models too. Not just the guy(s) in the relationship but the gal too. My friends B and S are an amazing couple. I don't get to hang out with them much at all but would love to and I think it would be great to be around them with the kids. They are great parents and I truly admire their relationship with each other too. A good couple role model if you will.

See my kids didn't have the best role model of what a relationship should be. We went back and forth about staying together, getting a divorce.... and back and forth and back and forth. At some point you just don't recover from that. Not just that but we didn't fight well. We never seemed to solve anything or at least be able to move on. And, when I say we, I mean him. Yeah, yeah.... its usually the woman but he was the worst grudge holder and would bring stuff back up after I thought it was dead. Well after so many of these fights, I started doing it. I hated this! But, at least I was now fighting on his level. I know, I know two wrongs don't make a right.... but it still felt good.

Sorry, back on track.

Going forward, I will make sure the people I introduce to my children are people I think are good role models. Now when I say that, it is in my eyes they are a good role model and I am pretty critical. I am the judge and jury on who is around my children. This goes for both male and female role models.

My children are my life right now and I want to make sure they are safe and secure, and that they know what a relationship looks like and what not to take in one. You should be happy, period. Not just settle.

Next time: Female Role Models and me.

Today's Horoscope

Just checking my quickie on Yahoo (they have the quickie and the full one)....

Fuzzy thinking is not acceptable right now. Focus on what you need in life.


More on my fuzzy thinking, what is not acceptable and what I need later!!!! I have to think about what I want to say.

Almost Summer

Just a few more weeks of school and then the kiddos go with daddy for most of the summer. What am I going to do with myself? Oh I have plans....

For one I get to work more. I don't mind doing some extra. I like to work most of the time. I mean we all have off days, right? And, sometimes I drag a bit in the morning (not exactly a morning person)... but by the time I get there and get to working, I'm good.

Another thing I would like to do is clean my house, but not just clean, I want to clean out the closest, the shed, the cabinets. There is just junk all over this tiny little house!

Another thing I would like to do is paint. But, not like my house, but get some canvas and just paint. Now by no means am I an artist, just more like a wannabe because EVERYONE in my family seems to be an artist. I am not. I guess I shouldn't say everyone, my dad isn't.... and his mom isn't.... I take after them in many, many things.

What else? I don't think I will be able to but I would like to travel a bit. I want to go see my bro, SIL and nephews in Colorado this summer. I will have a new nephew soon! #3 for my bro and SIL. That is the only must go to place.... anything else would be just extra.

I also hope to have more free time to see Goofball because I don't have to worry about the kiddos. He has a tight schedule but at least I can be open for 2mths for whenever he wants to see me. :)

Other things.... ??? I just don't know! Anything I want.

I am going to miss those kids like crazy but I will not call them. They know how to call me. This is there time with dad. They don't get much so I won't interfere. I will miss K's and L's bday.... I will send them their gifts and will call them but I won't go up there to see them. Again this is their dad's time.

Sooo just a few weeks and I will have free time! Whoohooo! and again, I know I will be missing them like crazy but it is only 2 mths out of a year. I have them the rest of the time.