"Our Emotionally Disposable Culture"

This was the name of a blog on IHeartSingleparents.com that really caught my eye. It was written by a guy named Jordan (I hope he doesn't mind me using his name but just giving credit)

I have been reading a lot that he has written and I can't say I disagree with him on much of any of it. He is younger than me but in a lot of ways older because of his level of thinking. I always admire people like this..... the ones that make me think.

Anyway, I replied to him but wanted to write about it because it was so thought provoking that I can't stop thinking about it.

So here is how I took what he wrote: He was saying that our culture has become very disposable in thinking. We have plastic water bottles, but throw them out when they are empty, only to get a new one. The bags we take home from the store - disposable.

Then he said as single parents, (either by choice or not) are we showing our kids that relationships are disposable.... Okay sort of he said I'm really not trying to incite guilt, but to shine a light on the issue that people in general are too quick to change what doesn't fit perfectly.

Wow. That says a lot to me. I started to reply right away but the words didn't form up. So I clicked off and thought about it. Came back read it again. Clicked off.... and after a while I finally came back and replied to him.

My reply was that I hope that my actions do not show my children that relationships are disposable. My ex and I spent a long time trying to work it out. It was 1998 when I knew it had to end and that things with us would not be the same. 8 years later we were both finally able to walk away for good.

You often hear, "Don't give up." "Try and try and then try again".... things like that. (More on this to be published tomorrow)

I didn't give up for a long time. It wasn't something that either of us took lightly. We wanted to make it work as much for the kids as for each other and for all those that say "Marriage is hard."
But at some point you just have to admit that it is okay to walk away. It is okay to give up and it is okay to throw away so to speak. Not in the disposable way but in the "I tried my best but this is a no win situation" kinda way.....

For me, I didn't want my kids to think THAT type of relationship was okay to be in either. I would rather them learn to dispose of rather than sit in a very unhappy to the point of very mental ill relationship. Had I not got out at the point I did, I have no idea if I could be a productive member of society today. I might be locked up in a very soft room where I would mumble to myself in a completely made up world just happy because reality does not exist to me anymore.

Our relationship was very toxic. I am still unpacked and purging emotional baggage from it or finding pieces that still hurt. So are the kids. But each day we get better and the baggage and leftovers gets lighter and fewer.

They see me now, happier, healthier and not rushing into a relationship just for the sake of it. I hope that the choices I am making are showing them that relationships are not disposable. People are not disposable. Our emotions are not disposable.

As for plastic bags and bottles, well it is on my list of things for us to work on.

Recycle, reuse, reduce

An Award..... Coool!

Sooooo I got a blog award. I never get these things (okay one other time)....



Thanks Charlene! I would totally give it right back to you if I could.

So the rules are simple. I have to answer the following questions but just with one word each and then tag 7 people with the honor. Only 7 might be hard so I hope I don't make anyone feel left out. I love all the blogs I read!

So without further ado.... The questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? Here
2. Where is your significant other? Home
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? Home
5. Your father? Home
6. Your favorite thing? Kisses
7. Your dream last night? Vivid
8. Your dream/goal? Reachable
9. The room you're in? Messy
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Arms
14. What you're not? Anxious
15. One of your wish-list items? Everything
16. Where you grew up? Beach
17. The last thing you did? Write
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your TV? On
20. Your pet? Three
21. Your computer? Loved
22. Your mood? Amused
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? Orange
25. Something you're not wearing? Bra
26. Favorite store? Shoes
27. Your summer? Over
28. Love someone? Completely
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Minutes
31. Last time you cried? Daily

Soooooo peeps I tag.... Wow.... the difficult part. I want to give it to everyone that is in my blogroll.... Can I just do that? No?

Damn!

Okay here goes.....

Belinda/Shuttle Mom - you totally rock and I can't wait to meet you some day. I love reading your blog.

Karen - You know I love ya girl. I can't wait to get to the other side of the pond to meet you too! It must happen... I have known you too long.
Avonlea - Glad I started reading your blog again. I really enjoy it!
A Single Mom's life - I know you are busy but I just love what I have read on your blog. Can't wait for more.

how many is that??? Four? Okay....

Lisa - I am so glad I did that Fun Monday.... I really love your blog, all the pics, even if the bugs creep me out a bit.
Jen - Chaos is my middle name and ya know I love ya! so I have to hit you on this one. Can't wait until we can hang out again..... someday....

and last but certainly not least..... and the one I wasn't sure I should tag but I will.....
Trapped in Time - Cuz you know why. You rock.


Take the award, post your answers (don't worry if you can't tag others, it is just for fun!) and Have fun! Keep up the great work and know I *heart* your blog (or maybe just you!)

Lazy Saturday blogger

So I have been doing pretty good with writing stuff up and scheduling it to post. This way I have something for each day. I am not saying it is written last week or a month ago, but a few days or even the day before. Though somethings are ideas I had from a week ago, a month ago or longer.

Anyway, I am not prepared for Saturday.

I know, I know everyone is disappointed. I am very sorry. You came here with expectations of advice, wonderful stories and inspiration.

But instead you get my rambles at 1:00 am.

Instead of writing today (err, Friday) I went out with Goofball and had a good time. We just hung out and I really like that. I miss him like crazy all week so when I do get to see him, I don't really like being around a bunch of other people. I want some time to just reconnect with him. No outside distractions, just me and him.

It is good and bad. Good because we get that special time together, bad because well.... I don't know, we just never do anything so I know I wonder, "Is he disappointed?" He mentions it a lot but like tonight or hmm, last night (Friday), he said that he thought I would have expectations that we do something. Why, I asked? Because you are a woman. Yep but I don't have expectations of anything but some one on one time with you (him.)

My expectations were met and then some.

At any rate, I don't have anything really great to say for Saturday. No funny stories or words of wisdom, though I am working on it so check back! I need to sort through my notes, yes I keep notes of things I want to talk about, discuss and share. Writing has always been a passion for me and I really enjoy it even more now that I have people reading it. But sadly I got nothing for you....

So there you have it my nothing for Saturday.

Smooth moves and elevators

I am so cool but you knew that, right? Never mind, don't answer that.

Today I got to work all happy and kinda all in my head about what I had to do for the day. Got in the elevator and realized I hadn't turned my phone volume. I like to do that before I get to the office.

Soooo I am in the elevator, missing with my phone, then the doors open for my floor.... so I looked up (just straight in front of me).... I was looking at a guy's waist and in my shock, I looked up like a little kid looking up at a giant and was very obviously surprised by the VERY TALL MAN! He kinda nodded/smiled at me, like "Yeah thanks I get that a lot."

Very awesome.

I resisted the urge to look back to see if he could actually fit on the elevator!

You just can't take me anywhere. :)

Not about zombies

When have I ever written about zombies? Never. But that was the only title I could think of! Catchy?? Yeah, I thought so too!!!

But, this is about nightmares, night terrors and screaming during sleep, which can be just as scary as zombies.... well almost.

So we are having the house remodeled. My house is not big, maybe 1000 sq ft.... It is a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom and no garage, but it has a big yard and an understanding Landlord (my parents). Soooo we now have all my bedroom stuff in the living room. I have a new storage area but it isn't complete so all the stuff that needs to be stored there isn't.

My bed is now in the boys' room (yes it is large enough for a queen and two twins). My oldest son talks in his sleep. He also screams in his sleep! Nice.

So first night, I didn't bother to put a night light in there. They don't yet have a window in there so it is pitch black at night. I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. Yeah I tried, not just once and I giggled that I couldn't.... I amuse myself like that sometimes.

Well about the time I got in to the good sleep, I woke up screaming. Yeah I was screaming. Why? Cuz H was screaming. I do not know why, he says because he woke up and it was dark. But I am not sure if that was the initial reason. L woke up, "Mom, can I talk to you?" He was obviously upset. I told him to come over to my bed. We all went back to sleep.

Every night since then, H talks or screams or yells in his sleep. I don't understand why. Earlier he was yelling at the dog to stop doing something and then yelled for me to get the dog to stop. The dog was laying on the floor across from me fast asleep. But I just called back "Dog stop." Done deal.

He yelled out a bit later something about "Rabbits! Rabbits!" I am sure Mindy can relate!

Which leads me to the not about zombies. He doesn't seem to be dreaming about scary stuff that you would think a child would be afraid of.... at least not in the traditional sense anyway.

My concern is why is he having these dreams or night terrors or nightmares? He has had them since he was a bitty little thing. I remember when he was about 2, he was dreaming but at that time it was scary. Snakes, or the way he used to say it "Nakes!" He didn't even wake up. I just held him and he calmed down.

I have talked to doctors, counselors, etc. Can't figure it.

At any rate, I have to sleep in there for at least a month. Wish me luck!!

Wordless Wednesday with a little sand

Why I do Wordless Wednesday.....

I recently asked a good friend who also happens to be an amazing and popular blogger for some advice. She mentioned that she does not participate in things like "Wordless Wednesday" and others as she has too much to say.... Yes and she rocks at it!

But, I got to thinking about this. Wordless Wednesday doesn't necessarily mean that I am not saying anything about myself, my world, life etc. Each week that I have done Wordless Wednesday I have thought long and hard about what picture to share from my life. Like last week when I posted a picture of our massive amounts of school supplies! It is a good thing I got so many, btw.

Anyway, I really enjoy seeing the Wordless Wednesday posts. I really feel like I get a glimpse of your life when you post a picture.... I also love abstract pictures or landscape or animals or anything! New or old. I love them all.

I would like to start "collecting" posts for Wordless Wednesday. I would like any that wants to do this, to post a comment saying that you have a Wordless Wednesday post to share. I will post a list for everyone to go and see all the great pictures!

What do you think? I just hope all the traffic I got today will carry over to tomorrow so people get the word.

I'll start working on a badge for it.... Can you advertise it for me on your blog too?

Even if you don't want to be on the list, I would love to see your Wordless posts. :)

Texas Independence Day..... or Fun Monday

So this week's Fun Monday is brought to you by Mama Drama.

The details of the assignment are can be found at their place but the question is....

What funny trivial fact do you remember that you probably should have forgotten a long time ago?

So with this in mind, here goes mine. Not sure that it is EXACTLY what they are looking for BUT.... I was born on Texas Independence day which also just happens to be Sam Houston's birthday too. Being a Texan I thought that this was awesome! Then to find out I was related to one of the Captains that fought in the battle that won Texas its independence from Mexico.

I know this might seem silly to some but I have always remembered the dates, I mean it was easy to remember, but I guess the silly part to me was that I feel a like a proud Texan to share this day with the Republic of Texas and Sam Houston.

The Summer of Unfortunate Events

This summer was like one unfortunate event after another but mostly just all health related. I am not planning to name all the bad.

Really, spending a little more time and better quality of time with Goofball was probably the ONLY thing that went as planned but even that was a little off this summer at times.... I doubt he would deny it. This was mostly me. I was much grumpier than usual.

It was suppose to be the summer that I take care of myself and get some things done that I wanted to do, many projects not done. I feel like I pretty much slept the summer away. I was soo sick from about Mid-June until .... well really just this past week. I finally feel human again.

It was such a long, hard battle to get here. I thought I was losing my mind and to be honest I thought about just giving up.... No, no not on life but just on being plugged into life/reality. I thought about letting the ex have the kids, me turning into a bum and just checking out of reality...maybe even getting a few more cats and a couple more dogs and maybe a snake. A crazy lady should have at least one snake.

But somewhere in my mind a voice was screaming, "NO, you aren't like that. This is not you. You aren't going to give up."

I am glad I didn't because this was all temporary caused by medication. I am finally going back to work on Monday, the kids are back and start school on Monday as well. Also, I didn't mess up with Goofball so that is good. I would be lost without him at this point. I am crazy for that boy.

Now let's just hope I can get back to work and not have screwed up too badly there.

And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So if your doc wants to start you on something that you don't know much about, research it, research it, research it and ask a lot of questions. I wish I would have questioned more, spoke up more but I have NEVER had that kind of reaction to a med before.

Anywho, wish me luck!! I am nervous and excited.

Staying insanely sane

Something to keep you insanely sane. You may have read this somewhere like your inbox forwarded by your friend that ONLY emails you with forward this or you will cause the end of the World emails. I got this off of IHeartSingleParents.com (Single parent? Come join us!)

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks . Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijuana"

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go" (I will just add that I worked in fast food for over 2 yrs, and people do this but I think they forget they are IN THEIR CARS.... seriously)

9. Move your desk in to the elevator and when the doors open to let someone on, ask if they have an appointment.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"

12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

13. Take your TV outside.

14. Cut out photos and paste them on Popsicle sticks and give a puppet show to the person on the other side of your cube wall.

15. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.

What I miss the most

Pillow talk. You know the moments just before falling asleep or even the first moments in the morning, when you can just share some moments with your partner. Intimate moments of whispers in the dark, soft touches and gentle kisses. Great conversations with or without words, because sometimes there is no need for words as touches can do the same.

This makes my nights feel long. I often take forever to get to sleep. I stare endlessly at the other side of the bed. I try to spread out more to take up some of the empty space. I flip to my other side so I can't see the emptiness to my right.

Then I do fall asleep only to wake later upset and shaken by a dream. I desperately look for comfort but find the bed is still empty, as I knew it would be but in my frightened and confused state between reality and dream, I still hope to find someone there to comfort me. To put a strong, loving arm around me and pull me close, whisper that it was just a dream and that I was safe. I could then drift back to sleep.

Only that isn't what I get. Instead I toss and turn for another 30 minutes or so. I may get up and check the locks, just once more. Stumble to the bathroom and then to the kitchen.... maybe some cool water.

Then morning comes. I always linger in bed a little too long. I really crave that special morning time, sometimes more than the lonely nights. The good morning hellos, special kisses and maybe a wish for a good day.

This thing I miss, this pillow talk and intimate sharing, it will be in my future, I know it will but it is years away. I can wait.... I can but it still makes the night's long and the mornings not so cheery.

In the meantime, I look forward to good night wishes and good morning hellos via electronic form.

And there are always the kids.... we do share some special moments, snuggled in bed and I do truly enjoy those too because someday I will be writing how I miss those moments too.

Back to School - Wordless Wednesday

My prized possesion

So yesterday was Fun Monday around the blogosphere. I keep hoping to hop in there one of these weeks!


Anyway so Lisa was the host. She asked folks to pose a question to their readers. Mindy at Mama Drama asked a great question! If she could see everything we owned, what might she like for herself? Check out her post.


I had to really think. What could she possibly want in my house? I like my shoes but they surely can't live up to Mindy standards! She has the best shoes. I have a Wii but she doesn't strike me as a Wii or video game person.


I have tons of toys, and by me, I mean the kids. They are EVERYWHERE! This is just a few shots of them.... Yes that one is in my bathroom.




Family photos? Maybe. The painting my grandfather painted? Nay it has a broken frame right now. My Navy memorabilia? Could be. (Most is packed away though).....




I thought.... and thought.... and thought....


Finally I answered that she might like my special Teddy Bear. Treasure was a gift to me from an Aunt and Uncle when my first of two younger brothers was born in 1975. She quickly became my best friend. She seemed so big to me when I was a child. She would hide me from monsters in the closest or under the bed. She made the hurt go away when I cut my finger off or had my tonsils out. She was there when I needed someone to listen and not talk. She kept all my secrets.



She has been with me through everything, slept on with me until K was born (seriously), then just slept on my bed during the day and next to my bed at night.



She has caught so many of my tears and shared my joys. I wish I had the pictures of her next to me just about every Christmas morning. The Christmas I got my first camera, she was happy to smile for me and let me practice.



Now she just hangs out on my dresser, ready for me and wearing one of K's dresses from babyhood. She is the reason I love teddy bears and why I have a huge collections of them. K's nickname from me is K---Bear, yes for that reason.



I can't even remember how or when she got her name. Was it when I was 2-ish yrs old? Was I older? Did I have help?



Well all I know is she is a treasure to me and I will have her for my whole life. I hope once I am gone (I want to be cremated so no burying her with me).... I hope my kids will keep her to remember me by, and hopefully pass her down to their kids.... if she makes it that long, that is.


Do you have one? Do your kids? Please feel free to leave it in the comments or share on your blog! (leave a comment with link to your blog, if you do)

Late Fun Monday - Assignment Aug 18

So I decided way late to do the Fun Monday assignment for this week! It is hosted by Lisa .

Here is the assignment: What is one thing you would like to ask your readers? Come up with a question to pose to your visitors and throw it out there on Monday. As we’re all visiting each other’s Fun Monday posts we should answer the various questions we come across.


My question is: if you could go back to 13 yr old you, what would you say to yourself?

Photo Contest

Aimee at Greeblemonkey is an amazing photographer. I am a wannabe. She is launching a new monthly contest. Click banner above to visit the announcement, to find out how YOU TO can enter and see the others!

Here is my entry into the Greeblepix contest!

L at the beach.... This is just one in a series.
I love the beach.

..... and the rest was History....

So 2 yrs ago, I finally got to meet Goofball. We had been talking for close to 2 mths until we were ready and able to meet. Schedules being what they were, both parents, etc.... Ya know the drill. Plus no rushing this thing, right?

My honest first thought when I saw him.... "Wow, he is hot!"..... my second thought, "Well I guess this will be it, no way he will want to see me after this." Don't get me wrong, I really think I am cute and pretty BUT I am also overweight.... My ex couldn't stand it so why would this "stranger".... Right? Plus it was just a history of the guys I had dated or tried to/wanted to date. No fat chicks.

Anyway, two years later, I couldn't be happier with my life. I am sooo glad that he didn't say good bye to me (or ignored me after, like some losers do). We took things slow and it was perfect. Those first 6-8 mths were hard on me though because I just kept waiting for him to walk. He didn't and hasn't.... and trust me I have tried to push it a little bit. Not too much just a little. "OH for sure he is going to walk now." Nope. Either he is like me and is a gluten for punishment or else, he really does like me.

I also had pretty low self-esteem back then too. I didn't show him but I was pretty neurotic about this whole thing.... "Does he like me.... Does he not like me..... Does he like me.... " Those poor flowers. My friends were like "Shut up already."..... But finally, I got in to a comfortable place with this. I just chilled and enjoyed....

So to Goofball, I am so crazy about you. I appreciate you so much. You have been so awesome to me. Treating me so special and yes I know, you think it is the way I should be treated but not everyone would agree with you. I just like to tell you. I just enjoy each day for what it is and really try to fight that "What will the future be like" thing that us girls do. (don't deny it ladies, we all do it.... at least to a point). Anyway, sweetie, thanks for the memories and I look forward to many, many more.

A mother's plea..... The Baby

Great! So Goofball thinks I am raising a wuss. Niiiccceee.

He says one reason is because I call my youngest "Baby." Well damn he is my baby, what can I say? Right? He just is the youngest and therefore is called the baby. But hey, I call my other ones baby sometimes too. In fact, K just fussed at me because she said she can never tell who I am talking to. I called the dog baby and K answered, I said No, the dog.... see the confusion....

Anyway....

I know that he needs male role models in his life, since his dad is only in it once in a while. I try to get him around good, positive male role models as much as possible.

Also, I honestly don't baby him as much as I used to either. He is doing things for himself that I used to do for him. So we are getting there.

Yet, I just have to say, I am doing the best I can. I won't be having any more children,and I am finally starting to accept that fact, so please let me morn that in my own way. Please let me relish his "babyness" as long as he will let me. He has already grown-up way faster than my older two. He crawled at 5 mths old. He was running by a year old. He has been trying to be 8 and 6 yrs older than himself since birth.

Please, please don't make me feel bad about how I am raising my children. I already question my every move like I am being followed by a camera crew and every child rearing expert.

He will grow up into a fine man, I am sure of that. He is a great kid. There is NOTHING wrong with him. Nothing.

He is just "The Baby."

And then I just have to pass the mic over to Mr. Blake Shelton to tell the rest of the story for me..... Blake is a hottie! but I like him better with his short hair more than this long.




**** Most of this is written in teasing, sarcasm....

Working hard on my blog

I have been reading, searching, reading, searching to find new things that I can use to make this blog bigger, better and get me some more traffic.

I ran across this on Problogger.com. I just found this website and I have a little crush on it now. It rocks. It is like the best of everything I have been wanting to/needing to know all rolled into one easy to read website.

Anyway, the link above says, basically, that only 1% of readers comment (give or take). Wow. That makes sense, since my number per day is much higher than my comments.

My biggest hits are Voodoo Doll Curse and What makes a man sexy.... Interesting. These weren't even that well written nor popular when I wrote them but a lot of people are searching for this. (Also single mom fingering herself or mom fingering herself..... Hmmm, yeah that isn't on this blog but thanks for stopping by....) But anyway these topics are highly searched for.

With that in mind, I am actively working on driving more traffic here but I know that just getting them here is only part of the battle, I need to write better and on more interesting topics. I need something to keep them here. I need to learn what those things are.

But what do I have to do, read on....

I do have a niche which is something people are looking for. Not just random crap. But when they come here, I need them to know what they will find. Not like Voodoo curses, that has nothing to do with being a Single Mom or dating or raising kids, ex husband and a new stepmom. These are the things I need to focus the most on. However, I think adding things that interest me, catch my attention or in other ways shape who I am, can be interesting and need to be added every once in a while. I think this just helps my readers and friends learn more about me. I'm totally like an onion. I have many layers. I add a little flavor to your life and I can sometimes make ya cry. (okay maybe not that last one)

But what else do I need to do, read on.....

I have openly admitted I need to let the inside voice out. This is forthcoming as I work behind the scenes on some ideas and tweak my writing. In addition, I also need to work on my writing style, which I think has evolved a lot since I started but still needs some work, like writing more with my inside voice and working on my vocabulary. I have thought about rewriting/republishing a few things from my past that I thought were good but I didn't really have the readers back then. I am not so arrogant that I think that people go back too often in archives.

The other thing I am working on is a new blog design and layout. Something a bit more me! Something that screams "Single Mom Finding Herself!" I just don't know how long it will take to get it together.... I still need to learn just HOW to do that.

And, last but not least, I have also read that I need to identify what my goals are with blogging.... Well besides finding myself, sharing my struggles with raising three kids, dating and depression/anxiety, my other main goal is to make a little money. I will be adding some more ads. I realize this can make it look crowded and almost seem like a push to click here, click here, click here! but I am hoping that I will add items and products of interest to most so maybe we can help each other out, especially with the holidays coming, maybe some ads about shopping can help. I know I shop online! It saves a lot of time and even money.

If you have a tip for me or ideas on how I can make this blog better, I would love to hear those! Or if you have any words of encouragement, leave me a comment. Thanks!

Are you special?

Have you had that one special person in your life? You know the one that made a big splash when he/she landed in it? Maybe you look at that time as a turning point, when your life would never be the same.... You would forever carry a piece of that person with you, even when they aren't in it anymore.

and then.....

Some day you are walking down the street just minding your own business when all of a sudden bricks fall from the sky..... okay it just feels like it.... but this person pops in your head. You stop and wonder how they are? Where they are? Why are they not in your life anymore?

And maybe....

They never knew how they changed your life, touched your life and turned everything around for you. They didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary. They were just themselves. They might just shrug it off if you told them how much they inspired you, helped mold you, changed you and saved you from yourself.

And if you are lucky, you may have more than one person in your life kinda like this. I have and yes, I totally believe you can have several turning points or "Aha" type of moments in your life. Life is both too short and too long. We meet so many people as we go. Some for just moments, think the cashier at the grocery store, maybe he or she is there working for a year or two. This isn't someone you are close to but they are indirectly part of your life. Maybe there is someone who you have watched from afar, a co-worker or neighbor that has shown strength in a bad situation. Or think of someone you have known for a long time, maybe even someone that comes in and out at different moments. I have a few friends like this. One I have know since 5th grade. She and I touch base randomly, it works for us somehow. If you think of this, we can meet so many people that can shape us.

But it is the really special people that we don't forget. They touched us so deeply and will forever be in our hearts.

Did you have someone like that or do you now?

My inside voice

No not the one I use while indoors nor voices in my head, but secret thoughts, weird thoughts, even potentially intelligent thoughts! Things I never or rarely say to people in real life.

There are so many awesome bloggers who can let their inside voice out. And again, things an indoor voice is not... Not really personal thoughts, deep secrets and skeletons in the closest type of posts, that would be "blogging naked." That I have done.

However, what I mean is those thoughts that seem too morbid or too insane to let out in normal life. But with blogs, you can do it and others use their inside voice to comment. They don't judge or at least if they do it is different somehow.

Not to leave anyone out but one great example of a blogger that can do this is The Bloggess aka as Jenny. She rocks. She is the type of person that you meet and just know she is awesome but then she writes and you KNOW she is awesome. I have had the honor of meeting her.... She is everything you would imagine you to be, like Mother Teresa, only better. No really!

I want to/need to do this but I just keep holding back. There are reasons I guess I don't. I sometimes believe I truly am crazy but that doesn't seem like a reason not to, just a really good reason to do plus I would have great material, right?

But, I guess I don't want to be judged because people have told me I am crazy and meant it, not in a good way. I was so emotional beaten in my marriage that I just want to surround myself with people that tell me how great I am. But there are ways to say I am crazy but make me feel good about it.

So what to do, what to do?

I know the answer. Really I do.

Looking at my goals for this blog and me, I am trying to get more traffic to my blog and trying to write a book. To make these two efforts successful, I must/have to open up and let that inside voice out. People like that. I will also have to really focus (or refocus or whatever) on what this blog is about: being single, being a mom, balancing work and family and also dating.... but I also want to do more. I want to write about all the crazy things I think of or some of my beliefs without getting all "You will believe this too!" on you. Cuz that ain't me!

Soooo stay tuned.... and if you are new or haven't commented, please, please, please (don't make me beg) do it! so I know you are out there! My numbers have slowly been going up and I want to keep them going up!up!UP!

Wordless Wednesday.....

Just take a guess? (okay not completely wordless)

That didn't take long.....

We are already having fights, whining and drama, and I am losing it. I just hate fighting of any kind. I really hate when I get upset.... when I get upset, it makes me more upset THAT I am upset. Yeah, see I am that crazy.

I am ready for life to get back to normal: school, work and house, so that maybe we won't get on each other's nervous quite so much. But I still don't fell quite normal yet.

Also I forgot how expensive the kids are! We have cooked at home about half the time but I haven't had a chance to get to the store. Plus I have had a house full of workers so it has been easier to sneak out during the time they are here. I tried to cook with them here and we just get in each other's way... I bought most of the school supplies but I had to go get a few more things.... even on sale they are expensive. Ack!

Anyway, we are doing well. Getting back in the groove... sort of.... but it is just good to have them all home!

Yesterday!

I got my babies back yesterday. Wooooohoooooo!!!!! I am so happy to have them back. There are a few things that make me sad about this summer but it is over and I got them home so it doesn't matter anymore.

I am hoping that next year will be a shorter visit. Maybe they can do two shorter visits during the summer, rather than one long one. But while I say that now, we will see what happens before it is time to make that decision.

At any rate, I feel complete again. And L, came home with two wiggly teeth! Coooool. His first.

So just going enjoy the moments.....

Back to school

As a mom to school-aged kids, my year isn't really based on the calendar (Jan - Dec). Nope, my year is run by the school's calendar. This year we start back on Aug 25th.

So in the spirit of back to school, let's sing! (I couldn't find a good video of the actually opening scene so this one is the song with just various clips... )




I have been a mom to a schoolager for a long time now. K start Kindergarten in the Fall of 1999. This year I will have a 9th grader (yikes!), a 7th grader (double yikes) and a 1st grader (triple yikes, time flies).

As I was thinking about ideas for my back to school thread, I was sent an email asking if I would consider posting some links to Readers Digest articles about back to school. First of all, he complimented my blog! Thanks. I like compliments! ha, ha. But also, I personally have always liked RD and used to read it regularly.... Then I looked through most of the articles, I think these are really good tips for any mom! I know I will be reading and putting some of these tips and other information to use this year. Especially the article about Home School Connection. We need a better schedule/routine.

So check'em out. Good stuff.


Homemade school supplies

Back-to-School Fun With Food

Back to School Safety Tips

Back-to-School 101

Back-to-School Checklist

Smart Back-to-School Health Solutions

School supplies Checklist

School lunchbox recipes

9 School Sports Injuries and Prevention Tips

Home School Connection


Oh and my own personal tip, buy extra supplies right now while they are on sale and everywhere! Right around January and about 5 mins before we are walking out the door (late, again, of course), someone needs colored pencils or a ruler or even a pencil and can I find one in the house??? NO!

I also admit, I don't make lunches. They all buy at school. It really does save me money in the long run (and time, stress and I don't get the not ham and cheese again!)

At any rate, a pet peeve and safety thingy here.... please be aware of when schools in your area start and then WATCH the speed limit, WATCH for kids and just be safe.

Too much time on my hands or....

I have been watching a lot of television but I just lovey this commercial.

Oh and yes, I am still on medical leave from work. We can't figure it out and by we, I mean the doctors. I had some more blood drawn today. Getting a 24hr EEG on Thursday/Friday. Gotta see my counselor again. Need to get a MRI and also need to contact a new doc about pain management. Also need to fit in another trip to both my primary care and the neurologist.... all before the 25th.... or there about....

Waaayyyyy toooo cute!!

I thought this was way too cute not to share. Someone posted this on a dog lover's group I recently joined. Make sure you have sound on or else this won't make sense!!

What is perfect?

This past week I caught some of the Dr. Phil show. The topic was Perfectionist Mothers. I am not here to talk about Dr. Phil or debate liking him/not because I realize you either love him or hate him. Personally I love him. He doesn't claim (in my opinion) to be the answer but just to give people that common sense/wake up moment they need. He seems to offer his guests resources to help them after the show.... of course I don't know as I am not part of the show and I haven't been on it. But I can see why people might not like him.

Anyway, back on point. I can't remember if it was Dr. Phil or one of the guests but someone said something about not everyone or everything can be perfect. My thought to that was, "But why can't things be perfect for each of us?" Meaning why can't things be perfect for us.... not perfect in the "nothing goes wrong" way but perfect in the "this is just what I wanted" way, or at least most of the time.

Like if you go shopping and you find an outfit. No wait, not just any outfit but THE outfit. The one that when you put it on you just are so feeling it. Yes, this is the one. This is the perfect color for me, the perfect fit. But think about this, that same outfit might not be perfect for the person in the next dressing room. She might be trying the exact same thing on, yet she thinks, "No way. This just isn't right. The color is wrong and I don't think this fits well either." She may go through two or three more outfits before she says, "Yes this is perfect."

That is what I think perfect is. It is something different for each person. Perfect is just that. What we think is perfect for us. There is no right or wrong perfect.... it just is.

So even though it doesn't seem perfect to everyone, I think my life is pretty darn close to it. Yes, I truly, truly believe this. I have great people in my life. I have great things in my life, and goings on in my life. This is why I truly believe whatever this health problem is with me now, it is not depression and it is not anxiety. Though I do believe everyone is so focused on the anxiety part because this health issue seems to be causing the anxiety to surface, not the other way around. I am feeling sooo crazy with whatever it is. Yet I can still see how good my life is. I feel crazy and good at the same time. Perfect and wrong. Complete and empty. Light and dark....

And, I just want to enjoy my perfect life with all its imperfections. Don't you?