I have been feeling like a bad mom lately. I feel like a lot of the times I’m just there but not really there for my kids The other night (and last night) L was so whiny and I just had it and snapped! I didn’t yell but I definitely was not nice either. Then all night K kept asking me to look at the video game she was playing. Again, I just finally snapped at her. “Why do I have to look every 5 seconds? I have no idea how to even play that one so I have no idea what I’m looking at!” She said, “Gee I just don’t know where I got my drama from?” and points a finger at me. Niiiice.
Please don’t get me wrong. Anyone that truly knows me knows I love my kids. They are really my life. I would be so lost if I didn’t have them. However, I have just been feeling the strain lately. Very little help with them, except for when I’m at work and they are at school, I’m always with them. The dad has little “in person” contact with them. He is coming this weekend but hasn’t been here since Christmas (22nd- mid morning on the 25th). Before that it was before Thanksgiving and before that it was Labor Day weekend. So you could say about every 6-8 wks he makes his appearance. Does the fun dad stuff and then goes home to his bachelor lifestyle that frankly I think he enjoys. He just tells me otherwise to make himself sound better. Whatever!
And, if you have been reading my blog for a while, you know I go to school fulltime, online but it really is a big commitment of my time. I’m almost done, just a few more weeks. And, I recently had an unexpected break from school. That one week was soooo nice. I actually felt good about my role as mom but now just two and a half weeks later, I’m back to that horrible feeling.
I have been in school for over 4 years like this. Thankfully for 2 years of that, I was a stay-at home mom and could commit more time to the kids because I wasn’t at a job for 10-11 hours (including commute) everyday.
So my confession is said with this in mind: I’m worn out. I’m at the end of my rope. I really need a break and to recharge. Plus I think we don’t let moms just vent! (or dads). We just say they have to love these people without being able to say they can’t do it everyday!
Sometimes I don’t want to be the mom.
Sometimes I’m not even sure why I became a mom.
There I said it! And ya know what, it feels pretty damn good! Still love those kiddos though.