2006 - Year in Review

Wow. I cannot believe it is almost 2007. So much has happened this past year and I thought I would take a few minutes to reflect on the changes in my life and really in me.

I guess I really need to back up even further just so you know where I am. July 2005 moved back to Texas. Separated from the now-ex so this is kind of where I pick up in Jan 2006. We are still living apart but have not filed for divorce yet. As far as I knew we were still trying to pick up the pieces and see if we could fit the puzzle back together again. March 2006, my bday and we go to San Antonio and we had a blast! I was thinking wow, we are really doing well. Maybe, just maybe this will all work. We had already talked about moving back in together and were looking at a house we wanted to buy.

It was about mid-March that I realized he wasn’t in to it anymore. I confronted him about it, he confirmed and that was the end. We started getting facts on our rights in a divorce, figuring out our options and putting post-it notes on the stuff we wanted to keep.

End of March or beginning of April, I decided to put myself on one of those online dating sites. Match.com to be exact. It was okay. I had a few people that I talked to but only one I actually met. Then I learned about another site called Plentyoffish.com. I had never heard of it and gave that one a shot. A few more email contacts, another date. But, then I emailed someone and well long story short, 6 mths later we are still chatting and meeting up when we can. You have all read about him…. The Goofball.

Well that is kind of updating on the dating aspect of it, however, the rest of my life was going like this. May 2006, we officially filed for divorce. June 2006 ex moved to Dallas, Tx and then took the kids to his folks for a few weeks. Then he came back and well he seemed to miss me and we talked about possibly stopping the divorce. However, in my heart, I knew I couldn’t turn back. It was just too late for us. I had grown so much in just that short time and really all year. I had grown more independent again. I learned too much about my strength, got a lot of my self-respect back and I wasn’t going to give myself up again for someone that didn’t respect me. I wasn’t going to get back in a situation where the person that is suppose to love me the most in the world, puts me down and makes me feel like I can’t do anything or that I am being controlled or that I’m just not good enough for him. Divorce on. It was official Sept 1, 2006. Almost 13 years from when we first meet.

Then I thought I was starting to get a head a bit on finances and getting a handle on paying for everything with one income (plus child support). That was my first mistake! Car broke big time. Hindsight being what it is, I now know what I should have done but oh well its over and all I can do is move on. Tuck that a way in the lessons learned the hard way file of the brain.

I have had a lot of job changes this year as well. This is due to being a temporary. I hate it, it sucks but it is the best way to get your foot in the door around here. So I started out the year working for a hospital, then went to a chemical company and then for a very short time to an Oil and Gas Company. Then finally landed where I wanted to be all along, it is a different Oil and Gas Company than the first. I won’t say the name but I will hint that the “mascot” is a car or actually more than one car. I’m still a temporary but I am hoping that will change soon.

There are so many other changes in me. I haven’t suffered as much depression and anxiety this year. I have moments of both but I can push on through it. I have to. I think one reason is I have a great support system. Family and friends that don’t mind listening to me or picking me up when I’m down even if they don’t always realize it. I am very blessed to have this. I try to tell at least someone everyday what they mean to me. If you are reading this, chances are really good you mean a lot to me as I haven’t personally shared this link with many people. I do know some of my friends have me linked from their blogs but that’s fine. My friends know who they are! Right?! If not, I can call you out!

Also with my new found freedom and realizing I’m not being controlled, I can just hop in the car and head out where ever I can with the kids. We have done the zoo a few times, the beach twice and gone to different parks a lot, the movies, out to eat…. It is so much fun! We started to take up tennis before I had a medical set back that I will talk about shortly. The ex was here this weekend and I was like, hey let’s all go for a ride. It took us way tooo long to go and by then I was over it. I should have just gone it alone but the kids were wanting out of the house too and he was there so I said, hey let’s all just go. It was just one extra person and a grown person at that. One that can get dressed by himself. Why did it take us so much longer? I don’t know. But, this was always a problem. When I want to go, I want to go quickly. I am not really a morning person as in not super happy, peppy and my brain isn’t always functioning full force. But, if I don’t get out when I’m ready, my enthusiasm quickly wanes.

And, finally, health. Well overall not a bad year. The kids have stayed relatively healthy, nothing funky like in 2005 with Hunter’s head injury (long story if you haven’t heard it). But, only thing is in the last month I found out that I have a herniated disk in my neck. Fun! So I have been in pain for almost 2 months now but thankfully I haven’t done much in 2 weeks so I am finally feeling some relief in that area. My future with that looks like physical therapy and I just have to be careful not to lift anything really heavy. I plan to go have a sit down with the doc about exactly what that all means very soon.

Looking to 2007, I will finally complete school. I can almost not believe it. To say I’m excited would be an understatement. I’m hoping this will mean more time with my kids, more time for me stuff (like reading!!!) and maybe more time for a hobby. I haven’t had one of those in a long time! Speaking of hobbies, I better write this in my blog so I don’t forget. I want to paint this summer while the kids are with dad. I want to go to the store and buy all the supplies and just paint but not the house but art, paintings…. Mostly just make a mess on canvas. I can’t paint to save my life but I once spent a whole weekend painting and loved it! I don’t have any of those anymore.

Also in 2007, I am hoping to meet up with a bunch of my friends for our annual reunion trip. This year is Dallas! Whoohoo! I cannot wait. I really hope that a lot of them can make it. But, no matter who makes it, it will still be fun!

Then lastly in 2007 our family will grow by two more babies (so far). My brother and Sister-in-law are having their 3rd in May. Then just this week I found out my cousin is having her 2nd in August!!!!! Now I am not on this list of potentials but I know there may be some others in my family that are planning. I wish that both babies are healthy and happy. Of course we are all not so secretly wishing for pink but healthy and happy come first! and before you say, wow that sounds selfish (as far as the wishing for girls). We had 5 babies in 2002/03 all boys! Until this past October, we didn't have a baby since 1998 that was a girl. Soooooo we are all just wanting to buy more pink clothes! Either way we love our babies!

I will leave you with these thoughts. Things I have learned in the last year or so.

Take risks. If you don’t you will have regrets. I am big on this risk taking thing. It is my new thing. Just got this in a fortune cookie, “The greatest risk is not taking one.” So true, so true!! I feel like I took a big risk in July 2005, leaving Fargo with just my babies. Then coming here, getting a job and just doing it all by myself (okay with some help but it takes a village…..)

The second thing is to just appreciate what you have. I have been reminded oh so many times this year how good I have it. I can complain and whine but at the end of the day my life is pretty damn great! But, don’t just appreciate it but tell those around you how you feel.

Here is to a safe and happy 2007!!!!

Merry Christmas (Eve)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

I haven't blogged in just over a week! I can't believe it I was doing so good this month in keeping up.

Anyway, let's see. The ex is here this weekend and it is going okay. Ready for him to go home though.... sad to say. I like my space but have enjoyed the slight break I have gotten from my kids. Tonight I went over to my parents without the kids (because of course this is dad's weekend) and they kept calling me asking when I would come back and what was for dinner and a million other things. I said that is why daddy is here, ask him. But, still the calls kept coming. Just a few hours, please, that is all I wanted! Oh well I love those kids more than anything and I came home a little early so I could spend time with them.

So let's see.... Got a few more presents to wrap. Make the green bean casserole for tomorrow. Made the cranberries already. Cookies in the oven. K put on a Magic show for us. It was so cute. The boys are running wild and I just hope they go to bed tonight so I can do the whole Santa thing.

Then just got a call from my supervisor. There is one more baby in the world today! A baby boy, 8lbs 10 oz.

Okay let's see what else! OH the Texans won against the Colts. That was cool as hell. Not to mention Goofball had gone to the game. I'm really happy that he was there and they won. Did I mention the beat the Colts? Oh yeah that was sooo cool.

Anyway, I am happy, fairly healthy and I have my kids and family!!!!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas. I hope you all have the same. Well wishes, warm hugs and lots of laughs.

Love you all.

What a strange day....

Well first and fore most.... I saw the goofball today. It was so nice. Just a few hours but it was great.... Not sure when the next time our schedules will match but that's okay because I know there will be a next time....

So then I have had a lot of pain today. I think I will need to go back to the doc and really discuss this with him. He had suggested if it doesn't get better within 2 wks that we would do physical therapy and I think I will tell him, let's do it. And, I may ask for another pain shot. Those really help. Though I am walking around with a sore rear....

Then got a call from the ex. He is having some issues. Long story short, he may have to have some urgent surgery. I'm worried that he won't take care of himself and won't ask for help (not from me of course we don't leave near each other) but he is just like that. Stubborn as hell. He has probably been walking around with this problem for far too long and now it is almost an emergency situation. This also means that he can't come for the Christmas weekend. The kids are a little disappointed but I think it starts to become an "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing. Especially with the little one.

Then it looks like I will get to see BOTH of my brothers for Christmas. Well the youngest and his family will be here just before and leave on the 24th but still!!!!!

And, now I sit here thinking about my day not able to focus on my schoolwork because of my pain and fighting the urge to run to Dallas so that at the very least the ex will have someone to take care of him. But, ya know, he is a big boy and will have to do it himself. I have been! and if you are wondering I would do it more for my children than for the ex or myself. I am honestly worried that he would not take care of himself and well.... I will just leave it unspoken.

MRI Results are in....

.... herniated disk in my neck.

At least now I know I'm not making this up. I do worry about that... Ha!

So anyway, nothing too special that I have to do at this time just be really careful, no heavy lifting. How am I suppose to avoid that and be a single mom??? I need to hire someone!

Thanks for those that have sent me positive thoughts. I do appreciate them and you for remembering me.

"She Let Herself Go"

This song just reminds me of me.... a little bit! Of course I haven't gotten to travel yet but I will.

"She Let Herself Go" by George Strait (Dean Dillon/Kerry Kurt Phillips)
He wondered how she'd take it
When he said goodbye
Thought she might do some cryin'
Lose some sleep at night
But he had no idea
When he hit the road
That without him in her life
She'd let herself go

Let herself go on a singles' cruise
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu
Let herself go to New York City
A week at the spa
Came back knocked-out pretty
When he said he didn't love her no more
She let herself go

She poured her heart and soul
Into their three bedroom ranch
Spent her days raisin' babies
Ironin' his pants
Came home one day from the grocery store
And found his note
And without him there to stop her
She let herself go

Let herself go on her first blind date
Had the time of her life
With some friends at the lake
Let herself go buy a brand new car
Drove down to the beach
He always said was too far
Sand sure felt good between her toes

She...
(Repeat 1st Chorus)

Tag
To Vegas once
Honolulu
New York City
Came back knocked-out pretty

Waiting Wednesday

Waiting on my results from the MRI. For obvious reasons.

Waiting on Friday! For many reasons....

Waiting for my Chinese food. I'm hungry

Waiting to take my meds. I am in pain and can't take them until....

Waiting for bedtime! .... now!

Waiting for Christmas. To see my children's faces when they see their special gift from me!

Waiting for wishes and dreams..... if only I could share these right now but I will when the time is right.

My day update.... Just random stuff....

Started out rather domestic like and ended that way too.

MRI went fine. I didn't even panic being enclosed in that little tube! I'm proud of me. Should get the results in a few days.

Came home, straightened up just a bit and sat around watching day time television. Have you ever noticed that all the commericals during the day are for nursing, technical schools or insurance companies, etc? Anywho. Then I took a nap.... pain meds....

Woke up, headed to the grocery store. Had to buy stuff for K's class, International day or something. She picked Nachos... umm, okay! H needed plates and cups for a class party. Then got gas in the car, picked up L from day care. Got home started dinner (burritos), got K started on making her nachos... She is 12 in 7th grade, she can cook! Everyone is fed. Kitchen is more or less cleaned up. Kids are happy.

Now mom can settle down to finish a project for class. I can't believe I'm already at the end of week 2 of my almost last class! Just 3 more weeks (not counting the Christmas break) and I will be in my last class! It has been a long road but I have learned so much and really feel proud that I have done it (almost!). For anyone that doubts online school at all, I have worked so hard and gotten so much out of it. I just didn't get this out of my first experience with college but this is perfect for me!

Enough stalling from me! I better get this project finished up so I can get to bed. I actually have to go to work tomorrow.

Very Domestic Night/Morning and just random stuff

I have all the laundry done! I actually got up and woke up all my children (usually I am long gone by now and I have to call to make sure they are both up, I take the little one to day care). I even made breakfast and unloaded the dishwasher.

I wish I could go to work later everyday!!!

MRI this morning and of course I woke with a migraine. Ugh! But the good news is I did very, very little for the last several days and my back and neck are feeling a lot better. The kids did a lot of the heavy work for me while I just made sure it got done. For all my complaining, they are really good kids.

Today is my nephew's bday. I can't believe he is 12. His dad (my brother) will be leaving Iraq soon for a 20 day leave. We can't wait to see him!!!

Random thought for the day: Communication is the key to everything.

And, lastly, I hate when I start to feel out of control of my life.... like I'm losing and I have no idea how to stop it!

Monday and MRI and what I miss

Well I haven't mentioned but the last month has been very painful. I don't know what the heck I did, something goofy I'm sure... but I pinched a nerve, pulled a muscle or something in my back and neck, mostly neck. It hurts. I'm usually pretty good with pain but this is the no-relief kind.

So I went to the doc after the first two weeks because I just couldn't take it anymore. X-ray, shot of pain meds, shot of steriods and then a prescriptions for pain med and muscle relaxer. No lifting, now how realistic is that? I have kids. But fine. I went home and slept. Woke, not bad. A little hang over feeling.

Later that night, PAIN! The meds didn't work. For another week I lived with it. Not well mind you because on Saturday, Dec 2, we went to a b-day party for my cousin's daugther and it was nice but I got a migraine and had a date with goofball later that night. Had my kids all set to go to family's houses for sleepovers. I tried everything to feel better. He gets here and while the migraine part wasn't so bad, I was not doing well. We just chilled at the house and I really hope he didn't mind that I was not quite myself.

Anywho, fast forward to Dec 7th, I got to work and I just fell apart at my desk. The pain was so bad, I had tears running down my face. Not crying, just tears. It hurt. Talked to my supervisor and went straight back to the doc. Shot for pain, shot of steriods, two new meds for pain and muscle relaxers but scheduled for MRI on Monday, tomorrow Dec 11th to be exact.

Now here is what I miss. I miss having someone to go with me and tell me it is going to be okay. Someone maybe hold my hand until it is time, give me a hug and wait with me for the results all along telling me it is nothing. And, yeah I can tell myself all this because I'm sure this is just something goofy I did lifting stuff, being a mom and being that I have had some trouble since being rear-ended back in Feb 2003, I'm sure that's it..... But, it is different having a husband or at least a boyfriend with you to do these things. With that said, the goofball has been really sweet to ask how I'm doing. We aren't a couple, just friends but I keep thinking what the heck is he thinking of me? I'm just a big whiner, right? I freakin' feel like it! I hate feeling like this!!!

So I want a hero. I want someone to lean on. Even if I can be strong on my own, I am a girl afterall.... we all want a hero.

December 9th, 1993

This was my wedding anniversary. The day I thought I was going to marry this great guy, have our baby and live happy forever. Now it is December 9, 2006 and I am divorced, have three children and living very happy. It is amazing how life changes.

Let's rewind time for a bit, I want to reflect on my marriage.... It might get long, it was nearly 13 yrs.

We were both in the Navy stationed at NAS Whiting Field in Milton, FL.... that is near Pensacola, FL on the border of Alabama.

It started when I first saw him in August 1993. He came to my office to deliver a student's record. Not to me but when I saw him, I had this weird feeling. I turned to my friend and said, "Do you know him?" She said, "Not really." I said, "Can you find out about him?" She said, "Yeah, why?" I said, "I'm going to marry him.".... We both laughed. But, what is funnier is that I really knew I was going to.

We met officially Sept 23, 1993 and a very whirlwind relationship I was about 10-11 weeks pregnant when we married on Dec 9th. That was a great weekend. It was a Thursday and on Friday was my command's Christmas party. It was at a hotel on Pensacola Beach. My command and his got together for different wedding gifts, mine was a night in the hotel. At this point we weren't able to live together. Our house (base housing) wouldn't be ready until Monday.

Then came Christmas. My parents had already bought me a plane ticket home so I went home and he went to his folks'. When we got back, we decided we would not spend another Christmas apart.

This feeling of love was short lived but his change of heart in mid-January. He said that we rushed and we should divorce and date to get to know each other better. To this I simply said, "I married you once and if I divorce you it will be once." Basically I am not going to do the back and forth thing. No way! I respect myself too much.

This "off" period lasted for a few months but then I don't know what happened but maybe it was the baby coming. He finally seemed like he wanted to be married to me. We bought all the baby stuff, put it together, washed and folded the clothes and we were all set. One day we were walking down the hallway and he paused by the baby's room. He said, "I'm going to be a dad."

We had the baby and things were great! She was the perfect baby. We were a nice little family.

Then we got pregnant again, and had our first boy! Shortly after this, we moved to Norfolk, VA. It was our first change of duty stations.

The first year was great. But, things went down hill not too long after. Ex-h was put out of the Navy for medical reasons. He had to have hernia surgery in FL, not once but twice. It had caused a lot of nerve damage.

He started going to school 5 nights a week, and working 5 -6 days a week. We never saw him. But, I also think he was very depressed and upset about having to get out of the Navy. Military Service was his dream and what he wanted to do. Now what would he do?

This was the start of our trouble. We really started to grow apart and towards others, friends and just in general it really hurt our marriage.

In 1998, I announced that I wanted a divorce. We went to counseling, it didn't stick. We were just so different now. But, some how we stuck it out, and late 1999 we were back to almost normal (you never completely recover, I still hadn't from the first troubles). We talked about having another baby.

In 2000, I got out of the Navy and we moved to Houston, TX. Where I'm from of course!

No baby. No baby. No baby. But all along I thought we were doing great and working for the same thing.

I started going to a new doctor. We were going through my medical history and she asked a simple question about birthcontrol and I started boo-whoing! She knew there was an issue here. I explained and she gave me some meds to help. I went home and told him about it, he didn't hear me. Because a week before I was suppose to start taking the pills, he said he didn't want a baby anymore. WTF? So the meds were to help regulate my cycle too so I told him, "I am going to take these and if you don't want a baby, wear protection." He didn't and we got pregnant again.

I was so happy!! So happy! Nov 4, 2001 is when I found out! I couldn't believe it. When I told him, he said "I hate you." then packed a bag and left. For a few months it went like this and finally, I guess the shock wore off. We bought a house and were doing great.... but we never fully recovered from this "fight" or trouble either. We had a beautiful baby boy.

Then in Dec 2002, he had enough again, moved out. So here I was a single mom for three. Wow! The house was clean, everyone was feed and I was working and going to school at this time. I was actually happy!!!

But, what did I do.... let him move in because bottom-line, I was scared of being alone, of the financial burden it really was. He moved back in and we had determined that his job was more the source of his problems. So the job search started. My eye started twitching because all the jobs were out of state.

In May 2003, I quit working to stay at home to try and save money and my marriage.... but I also knew the end of living in Houston was coming to a close....

In May/June 2003, Fargo, ND called him and we moved. Had to sell our house, our first house. I was so sad. I had painted each child's room with love and patience, with each of them in mind while doing it. I started to hate him. I had stopped saying "I love you" months before. In fact, maybe about the time he moved back in. I resented him a lot.

We lived in Fargo for 2 yrs. I wasn't happy. I had to take meds for depression. I tried but I never loved him again.

In the Summer of 2005, I left with my babies and moved back home.

The last year was hard. Having to find a job, change jobs again and again, being out of work for 5 weeks. Going to school. Etc, etc.

And, here is it Dec 9, 2006..... and I think I have final found myself again. I am so happy with my life. You have read about it! Getting up, waking the kids and hopping in the car to the Beach, the zoo, the park. They love it.

Ahhh, it feels good.

Divorced People.....

I don't want to be one of those divorced people that married friends don't want to tell their problems to.... Ya know? They might think I will advise divorce over something as simple as not taking out the trash.

I'm not a bitter divorcee. It was, as I have said, long overdue. I only know my situation and my life. I cannot give advice to other but if asked I will share my experiences and thoughts only.

Several of my friends are having problems. Some rather serious that sound like they should really be seeking some serious help and at the very least finding out their rights with a lawyer because they may get blindsided by their spouse.

But, I don't know what to say to them. I just want to be supportive because that is how I am. Like a faithful dog.... True to the end.

I think most all marriages can be saved, heck even mine probably could have been but the key is both people have to be plugged in and working. We never were. It was always one of us or the other or even both unplugged, disengaged and not really wanting to work on it.

With that said, I want to give this one piece of advice to anyone who might be reading this and thinking, maybe me...... It was something I feel like I learned the hard way. When it is over, it is okay to give up. All too often, I noticed, that people would tell me, 'You just keep trying. Forever.' but ya know, that doesn't work for everyone. Not everyone is going to work it out and like I said about my marriage. We were done, there was no turning back for us. Neither of us were going to give anymore to it. And, that was okay.

Then there is the "Doing it for the kids" excuse. Yeah, I did that too. My kids seem better off now. They have days that are tough but I feel like they are much better off with two happy parents than two very unhappy ones.

There is never a good time for divorce so here is my final advice. Stay plugged in, try with all your might, respect each other, talk daily and above all, even its over, no regrets.

Hugs to all.

Happy Thanksgiving

Well just dropping in with well wishes and happy thoughts. I am actually in a happy place for a change. For the past several, several years this time of years was just dread and regret (even me with my no regrets thinking).

But, this year, wow this year I want to feel it all, hear it all, see it all, smell it all and just live the holidays! Starting tomorrow with Thanksgiving.... parades and being with my family mostly. Oh there is food but I'm not completely excited about..... well I guess I am more excited now that K and I made the cranberry salad! It was fun. We don't have a food processor or blender or any electric gadget and my parents weren't home (They still haven't called me, what's up with that?! Am I on the naughty list or something?). So she and I sat with ancient hand choppers and smashed up two bags of cranberries. It was quite funny because I was doing two cups to her one.

Then H asked if I would make breakfast in the morning. Sure why not? Just something simple: scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. I will then make green bean casserole and mashed potatoes (or roasted, I still haven't decided).... and then we head to my parents' house.

I also plan to watch as many and as much of the parades as I can. I'm such a nerd for it!

I'm soooo ready to start decorating for Christmas too! I have already started listening to Christmas Music. Love it! Again, total nerd for it. I have around 190 songs on my computer (a few are duplicates that I need to delete but not many). I bought new lights for outside and a Santa to sit on the fireplace!

And, then as I reflect on my life at this point, I know I am slowly getting me back. I feel so good and I remember feeling like this years ago. I missed me. I'm glad I'm finding me again. I never want to feel that way again. If I am in a relationship again, I want someone that completes me and loves me for me, not who they think I should be and I don't want to change to be that person..... because that is a lonely place to be.

I am thankful and blessed and I just want to share that joy with everyone!!!

Soooo may your blessings be many, your joys be great and your plate be full.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Almost the day....

December 9. This was my wedding anniversary. Is wedding the right word? Ha, we didn't exactly have a ceremony. Justice of the Peace and only one witness that I sort of knew (his supervisor at the time) Not a picture, not a gown, no flowers, no family.... Oh well, at the time it was enough....

It is coming up and I am wondering how I will react on that day. Will I be a little down? Will I be happy? What?

Starting in around 1998, is when I feel like my troubles started. What happened? I don' t know. I just didn't think this was who I wanted to be with anymore. But each year after, our anniversary would come around and I would say, "Why am I wasting another year being unhappy?" I would be a bit depressed starting November and it would last through January, probably into February.

Why did I stay so long then? Scared mostly. I didn't want to be alone with the children because I just thought it would be too hard. Money too. I have never had a decent job that I felt could support me and the children. Okay wait that isn't completely true. I was in the Navy during this first period of "doubt".... I was in from 1992 - 2000, so really I had 2 yrs when the doubt was strong about staying to leaving and then I would have probably stayed in the Navy. Or maybe not and life would have taken a different path. (No regrets)

I guess in Fall 2004, I just realized I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. My unhappiness outweighed the fear of the unknown. I started getting scared but in a different way. I had to figure out how to get out of this situation as easily as possible for my anxiety issues.

I started seeing a counselor and he and I talked. Baby Steps (reminds me of "What about Bob?"). I would just focus on one thing at a time until I was divorced. I did it!

I talked to my now-ex and told him I couldn't stay in Fargo. I had to move back to Houston. So I did that. Then I got a job. I got a place to live. I got the kids enrolled in school. He moved here. Things got confusing for a while but soon we filed and well the rest is history....

So as I reflect this year, as the date of my anniversary approaches.... I just feel okay. Better than I have in years. Will it continue? Maybe. We shall see. :)

Unpacking the Baggage

This week I have been thinking about "baggage.” We all carry some thing but I want to reflect on what I think of as mine. Three bags in total. I think this is the number of serious relationships I have had. I have had other relationships but these are the three serious ones. The others were very casual or just flings.

So, anyway, from time to time, I like to unpack them to see what I have. See what I want to improve or what I want to discard and even what went right. All baggage isn't bad. Some is good.

The first and biggest is my marriage, just shy of 13 yrs. There is a lot of hurt, confusion and growth in this one. Whys? Hows? What could of, should have been? This was someone that was suppose to love me more than any other person did, yet I was treated pretty badly (and frankly after a while I did a lot of mistreating in return or maybe I started it, it doesn't matter it is a chicken or the egg type of thing). Not abused, at least not physically but emotional scars are there for sure. "I will divorce you if you get fat." "You are so fat; I'm going to divorce you if you don't lose weight" "Great you lost weight now you still have 30 lbs to go." I was told I couldn't clean right, couldn't drive right, didn't discipline the kids right, couldn't add, subtract. I wasn't to pay the bills because I didn't do it right. I spent too much money. He must see the receipts; I must justify everything I buy. Must justify my every move. It wasn't always like this, just the last 8 yrs. It should have ended in 1998 but in Sept 2006, it finally did. I still have many issues to deal with, a lot of me to get back but it is coming, and slowly I'm getting rid of things in this bag. I hope that one day it will just be just a small handbag of things; mostly the good memories of the first 5 yrs and some of the good ones from the last 8 and then a list of lessons learned that maybe I can use in a future relationship(s).

Then I guess the next one would be my first really serious boyfriend. I don't know if he still reads my blog but if so, Hi babe, hope you are well. Please email as I haven't heard from you in a while and I'm worried about you. Anyway, we started dating in Dec 1990/Jan 1991. We dated solid for 10 mths, and then off and on for another year-ish. In Aug/Sept 92, he left for college and I left for the Navy. That was pretty much the end of things. Oh, we talked a bit but slowly moved on. In my mind, there were many things left unsaid, things that I carried for years and years. It took a while (even into my marriage) to get over him completely. A few years ago, he emailed me through Classmates.com. We "got real" and now my bag is smaller and free of all those things I never got to say. It felt so good to get it out and reunite with him. He has always been a great guy, a sounding board and someone I trust completely. Now where there was pain and hurt, there are only good memories and healing.

The last bag I carry is for someone who in many ways felt like a soul mate. He had this power over me. Not power exactly but I just loved him so much. He just had to look at me and I just knew life would be okay. It was during a time when my now ex and I were separated. Was it an affair or not? I don't know. But, I knew the first time I saw him that if given half a second of his time, we would be a couple. I wasn't sleeping with my husband and at least in my mind I had every intention of getting a divorce. However, in VA, you must be separated for 1 yr before you can file. Well the year came and went, and some how we decided to stay together. For me I was too scared to be a single mom and I only had two kids back then. And, anyway, that was the end of the relationship; actually, I guess it ended just before that. At any rate, I carry hurt and pain over the things left unsaid. (See a pattern?)

Back to my marriage, I don't feel like I left anything unsaid. This is the one that I can honestly say that I am over and moved on from very quickly. With the first, I would say it took a good 5 yrs to get completely over him. And, with the other guy, it took at least 3 - 4 years to get to a point where I could think of him and breathe normally and not have a deep aching feeling.

But, ya know, all this baggage has made me stronger. Now after my marriage has ended and I reflect on my two other serious relationships, I think, I don't want to have things left unsaid. I want to also take risks and not look back at what should have, could have been. I want to have someone love me completely, someone treat me well and someone who I can treat and love the same. But, to get there, you must take risks, put yourself out there and sometimes say how you feel and not hold back. It is a gamble, a leap of faith in the other person…. Am I ready for that? I don’t know yet.

But at any rate, my “battle cry” No holding back. No words left unsaid. Take risks. Get real. No regrets, baby!! It’s the only way to live.

5 Things I want to blog about

I haven't had a lot of time for blogging so I am stealing this idea from another blogger.

These are some topics I want to blog about but haven't had time.

1. Dating: Still talking to that guy, the one I like to call goofball. It is nice and seems to be going well. But, it leads to my next topic.

2. Sharing too much and/or holding back: How much to share and how much to hold back is such a hard thing to decide. He and I are still casual so I have probably held back more than I normally would and really it seems okay..... but I feel the need to share more.... I guess when the time is right.

3. Neglecting my kids: I know I'm not but I sometimes feel like it. Just gotta get through school.

4. Friends and friendship: I have wanted to write about friends and how friendship develop. Maybe I will get to write that soon too.

5. Work/School: I need to make a decision about my future and career.

Feeling Way Too Damn Good

Well I don't know what has gotten into me lately but I am feeling sooo good. I notice that I walk around with a smile and people are really reacting to me with smiles and hellos. I made an appt for myself today for something that I have wanted to do for a long.... get a brazilian wax. Hurray! I am meeting a friend afterwards and we are going for pedicures and manicures! I'm just really excited about that.

Now if only I could get motivated to work out and eat better. ha! Actually I am working on that, I just want to be more into it and actually reach my goals.

At any rate, I am feeling good and it shows. Everyone is commenting on it and it feels good!

I finally feel in control of my life and my happiness. What a great change!

Mommy Guilt

Almost as long as I have been a mom, I have been a working mom. With this comes a certain level of guilt. Leaving your child in the care of someone else and working for 8-10 hours a day. Do dads feel this the way moms do? I don't really know. My ex didn't seem to have a problem with it. He could be gone for 15-18 hours at a time.... but ya know this isn't about him!

Anyway, over the years that mommy guilt about day care has faded at least with the two older kids. I got them happily and securely to the ages of 12 and 10, currently. They know I love them, they know how to take care of themselves for their age, etc, etc, etc. They have great memories from growing up and never mention how I left them in day care but then they were in it less hours during the day than L is currently. They were in day care only about 8 hrs a day, while L is currently in day care more like 11 hrs a day.

So he is 4 yrs old. The first 3 mths of his life I was home with him, then my mom watched him during the day until he was about 8-9 mths old. He went to day care for the first time after that for about 3 mths. Then I started to stay home with him. So for the next 2 yrs I was a Stay at home mom. This was from about May 2003 - July 2005.

In August 2005, I started working again. He was sooo ready to go to day care or like he calls it "school". He has done great with it. I could not be more proud of him. He has just learned so much over the last year plus....

This past week after a really rough morning, we drive over to the school. He didn't say a word the whole trip. We get there, I get him out of his car seat and he stops, looks at the day care and says in the sweetest, most sincere voice.... "I really like this school.".... I paused, heart melting, mommy guilt fading. I smiled and said, "I'm so glad you like it."

So maybe all the hours he is spending at day care aren't too bad. I mean I spent a lot of time picking this place. I spent years molding this child to be this great kid and now he is growing and learning in a new way.

And, my mommy guilt over it is fading fast!

Sick

So much for my diet. I have been really sick.... Upper respiratory infection was what the doctor said, but I'm thinking it feels more flu like. But, he is the doc.

It kind of sucks being a single mom with the dad living a million miles away and being sick. Heck, he probably won't help me much if he was here but still.

My mom is going to help me with picking up L from day care this afternoon but otherwise I haven't asked her for much help. I drove L to school with all intentions of me going to work today. It was once I was on the road that I realized I was a danger to myself and others. I dropped him off and came home.

I better get in bed. I didn't cook dinner for the past 2 nights, I better save my energy so I can feed them something tonight....

One thing I miss

about having a husband.....

It is 2:00 am. Yes you are reading that right. I woke up and then couldn't fall back asleep. I have been having trouble with sleeping lately and need some comfort to go back to sleep. Between bad dreams and my racing mind, well, it has been a bit hard to fall back asleep.

The first was last week, I had a really bad dream and really just needed a strong arm around me. I used to wake the ex up (of course when he wasn't the ex) and he would hold me when I would have a bad dream and just tell me it would be okay.

Now tonight, I really need that again. Even if I don't need the arm, just to look across the bed and see the man I love there sleeping.... well.... I miss that a lot. It offered a lot of comfort.

And while I'm not nearly ready to jump back into anything for the sake of nightly comfort, I will look forward to that some day in my future.... I hope.

But, for tonight and probably many more nights to come, I will use my computer to get some comfort and this blog will just get longer and longer.

Day two

Sooo day two didn't go as well as day one but I'm still motiviated!

I cheated a bit with a Moolatte from DQ... If you don't know what this is, its coffee and ice cream topped with whipped cream..... ooooohhhhhh soooo bad! but just what the doctor ordered for today.

Otherwise, I was a good girl. Well that and the Smirnoff Ice I'm drinking.... this is probably NOT on my diet plan. But, again, just what the doctor ordered.

Yes, I had a bit of a stressful day and I'm fighting a bit of "whoa is me" depression.

The ex is regretting his decision which has me in a tailspin. No I don't want him back. I like my life now but there will probably always be that "what if" factor there since there was no real deal breaker and minus a few communication problem and his indecision.... Ya know except for the disrespect we so clearly showed each other (I will take some credit for being disrespectful as well.)

Sooooo anyway, that's my life right now on day two of my diet.... (evil laugh).....

Day one is almost over

Well I made it through day one of the diet and it wasn't too bad. Okay so I cheated once with a few sips of Dr Pepper at the movies today. Otherwise, I did great!!!

I didn't workout today but that is my plan for first thing in the morning. Walk away the pounds at 5 am.... isn't that the life? Ha, ha.... But all kidding aside, I love that video and can't wait to do it. It works GREAT!

So I feel really great about this and I know that with one day down, I know I can do this.

Diet - Day One

So I have officially started on Day One, South Beach Diet. Cross your fingers for me that I can stick to it. Last time I did this, I lost about 25lbs in just about 2 months and then back slid way over that! I was well over 200 lbs. It was sooo gross. Now I'm down a good 15-20 lbs from that and two sizes smaller.

My motiviation so far is the fact that I bought 3 of the Perfect Fit tees from Old Navy in a smaller size and they fit great but I could use a tiny bit more off for them to be PERFECT... but I LOVE IT!!!!

I plan to work out later today too!

I'm really excited about it and just hope that I can do it this time. I know that my problem in the past has been getting the fire put out by negativitiy. Since that doesn't live here anymore, I think I can do it. I know I can.

Let Freedom Ring

I love, love, love the freedom I have in my life now!

Today I had planned to do the usual: cleaning, schoolwork, etc. However, when I woke up, I just had this bug to get out and do, see and be! So got the kids up, called my mom because I knew she was solo this weekend and we headed to Galveston! Its home to me because that is where both my parents are from and my paternal grandmother, not to mention I was born there.

We get there and did the Railroad Museum, which was great. I love going there because my paternal grandparents were the first ones to take me there and they told me stories of when my grandfather came to visit her. It was sweet. Well today was the first time my mom had been to the museum. She had traveled from there when it was an active rail station. She loved it! I'm so glad I called her to go with us.

We then headed down the Strand. This is an area that is both historic and has shopping! We ate lunch on the patio of Fuddrucker's (burger place). Ducked in a few shops and then headed to the beach.... the route we went took us right past my mom's family home.... The new owners have painted it some funky colors but it still looks like "home".

The beach was great. It was amazing, awesome, spectacular weather!!!!! It could not have been a better day.

But really the best part is that I got up, didn't have to ask anyone else what they wanted to do (well the kids but they really didn't have a choice). I get to make the decisions. I don't have to discuss my plans with anyone though I don't mind sharing.

I know in the future this will be something I will look for in another person. Someone that is willing to be spontaneous enough to just get up and go, within the restrains of our situation (my and/or his kids if they still live at home)….. but not just that, but someone who WANTS to go out and do things, not just talk about doing things. Or someone that doesn’t just want to discuss it to death or can’t miss any sports at all to go. I mean I am an understanding person. The Big Game is the big game and you might not want to miss that, but EVERY game?!?

Sorry this is starting to turn in to a vent, rather the screaming from the rooftops excitement blog it was suppose to be!

I feel soooo good about life right now. Even with my overwhelming responsibility feelings and the nagging depression I have some times. Overall, I love my life. I’m happy and free.

Setting goals; sticking to it

This is my pledge to myself. I will lose this weight. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm just tired of it all.

I need some, something..... I know what to do. I know how to do it. I just need to do it. No I must do it!

So I have a plan. I have goals and I'm putting this out here so I that I feel like I have some accountability to actually do it!

My reward for doing this.... That I haven't figured out. Maybe if I can keep it off by the summer, I will take the kids on a great vacation! Or maybe I will buy myself the car I have only been dreaming about. Definitely new clothes!!!! and shoes and maybe a purse or two or three (I love purses)

Whatever I decide one thing I want to keep in mind "Slow and steady wins the race."

The first major decision

To go or to stay? Should I go out of my way to take the kids to see their dad..... or do I just go with our usual weekend and suck it up as him making a bad decision by moving more than 100 miles away?

Each day I leave the house by 6:45 am (this is at the latest). I get home normally around 6:00-6:15 pm. That's a long day. Then dinner, hang with kids, schoolwork most nights for at least an hour or two, cleaning up..... and then in bed between 9:30 - 10:00 (that's on a good night!).

The weekends are spent doing errands, grocery shopping, and the heavier cleaning/laundry that I just can't get to during the week. It is also when I will write or work on my major project for school. Then, hello, I do try to get some down time over the weekend too. Sleep in a tiny bit but can't seem to sleep past 7:00 which is fine.

So should I give up my routine, my weekend, my only time to get the cleaning done, my really good study time so I can let him see the kids and of course them see him? Now I will give him a break on the Navigator falling apart. that is out of his hands. However, why should I go out of my way when he hasn't for a month? He has had weekend after weekend to get down here to see them. Yet when he finally has plans to come, he can't? He could rent a car, borrow a car... something! I rented a car for 2 weeks. He can for a weekend, right?

I really want to be the bigger person but I also believe in consequences of actions. His action was to move and he knew the distance would make it hard to see the kids, yet he did it anyway.

What have I decided to do?

We shall stay home and stick to our routine. I hate to do this to the kiddos but I'm sure when they have clean clothes next week, groceries in the frig and when mom finishes her degree, they will be happy and understand.

Feeling better

I'm slowly feeling better. Less like being on a sinking ship. Less overwhelmed.

It was a good day at work. A good day in general. Dinner was made, leftover soup from yesterday. Kids are happy, not fighting. My schoolwork is complete, class is going well. Money stuff is going okay, I do need to sit down and figure out my bills but should have enough to pay them! That is good news.

The only bad thing is I think the ex is going to bale out on the kids for the weekend. He was suppose to come see them but something is wrong with the car and he said he will probably not come. I realize that this is out of his hands but at the same time, I feel like he should go out of his way to see them since he hasn't seen them in more than a month.

But ya know, that isn't going to ruin anything. I feel good. The kids are happy, healthy and I'm here for them.

Sinking Ship

Have you ever felt like you are on a sinking ship? You see the life boats, the life vests and could easily jump over, but don't want to give up hope that the ship won't sink.

I don't know..... but this thought just came to mind. I guess I'm kind of feeling this way lately....

Overwhelmed

I feel like blogging but couldn't decide on the topic so I figure I could vent a bit. I do complain some but I really, really try not to. I mean my life overall is great. I have friends a lot worse off and of course friends that have a great life, one that other people can only dream of.

But today, I need to vent and whine and complain and get out some of my guilt. I have been neglecting everything. I don't feel like my head is on straight. I feel like I get distracted easily and can't seem to finish much. I haven't given my children my full attention. I'm messing up a bit at work. My house is always a mess. My finances are getting better but still a mess. I feel like I'm floundering and don't even know what or how to fix it.

I knew being a single mom would be hard and I really thought no bigs I have been pretty much a single mom even being married, doing 90-95% of everything for years and years.... but oh no, no, no, no, no, no.... Nothing could have prepared me for having to take care of all the needs for all three kids and work and the house and going to school. There are school activities and they want to do sports and scouts and damn it I just don't have time!!!! Just a few more classes to go and hopefully I will have much, much more time. Maybe I can focus more..... but what if I can't? What if it isn't better? What if this is my life?

The ex suggested today that I let the older son go live with him. What did I say to that? Not just no but hell no! Not that he wouldn't take care of him and whatever. But I am not separating my children from each other or (selfishly) from me. They might not mind but I just feel it is important for them to be together. Maybe it was that I was close to my brothers growing up... I don't know.

Then today I meet with that guy.... Let's call him Goofball from now on, okay? Good. So Goofball and I meet today at the zoo. One of my most favorite places to go! I love, love, love the zoo. It looks like they are doing a ton of work and I can't wait to see how it turns out. But while we were out today, we talked about us. The talk about what we want. I mostly let him talk. I had a stressful morning and then just got really mellow. He and I agreed we aren't looking for serious and just want to keep this casual. Perfect! Perfect! Perfect! I mean don't get me wrong, he is a great guy and I do like him but I just don't have a lot of time for more and maybe sometime next year I will have time for a more serious relationship and if it is with him great and if not, fine too. Either way I enjoy his company now, he makes me laugh and I love to talk to him. so I'm here for the ride however long that is......

I'm so overwhelmed, so very lost and confused. I have been really fighting with my depression again and I just want to cry!!!! Scream!!! Yell!!!! I wish I were able to run..... I miss running so much but I can't risk hurting my foot again. Maybe I will buy a bike for myself. That would at least take the impact off of my foot and still give me that physical release I need so badly.

Anyway, for now, I'm trying to take it one day at a time and if necessary one minute at a time.

Busted!

So the guy I have been talking to (I should give him a cool nickname!) read my blog. I had told him about it and sent him the link, I don’t know actually when, a while ago… a month or more, maybe? Anyway, so he final read it. LOL! I’m busted…. Just kidding. I don’t really mind at all or else I wouldn’t have sent him the link. I also have a rule about not writing stuff that I don’t want people to read.

This is actually kind of funny to me because a few of things I have written, I have wanted him to read because I have been to chicken to bring them up or some of it I thought he might get a kick out of getting to know me, kind of. I’m soooo passive aggressive or just passive or just aggressive, I can never remember which. But basically I would rather someone find out indirectly about things…. I’m getting a little bit better at speaking my mind but some things; I’m just not ready yet.

This is one of them. Now in my “Meet and Greet Part 3” blog entry, I don’t know if I got my true point across. So this entry is just in case he reads it again AND so I can maybe sort out my thoughts more before he and I discuss (we agreed to discuss this in person).

Anywho, to start, what we have talked about it is neither of us are looking for a serious relationship. Oh so true for me! But, then my point in my original blog was, what is serious? I have no idea! Given my past (ha, ha) 3 mths is serious…. But this doesn’t feel like that and I am definitely in a different place in my life, definitely older and wiser, and a place where serious just doesn’t work for me. So far this has been casual and a friendship. It’s exactly what I want and need.

Now with that said, I want to just discuss with him that we are both on the same page with this. And what does he think serious is…. Just because I’m curious what he thinks. I still don’t really know what I think serious is…. What is it?

Then I had listed the things I want in a relationship. This could apply to any relationship; my parents, kids, friends, future boyfriend(s), co-workers even (okay maybe not affection for this last one)….. But, really you have to have many of those qualities in a relationship and I haven’t always been great about making sure I surround myself with “good” people.

In my other entry, I also said things like, “I don’t want to scare him off” “I don’t want to be clingy, needy”…. I mean it! I know me and me can be this way…. But strangely, I don’t feel that now. Like I don’t feel needy or clingy, I am just enjoying getting to know him as a friend, period. Have I mentioned he cracks me up? No? well he does!

At some point I will be ready for something more. I know what I want in a relationship and I know the type of person I would like it to be with. I feel I know me better too. I don’t know how long it will take me to get to a “ready for a serious relationship” place but I think it will depend on the person I am with at the time. One thing is for sure, I will want to take my time with any guy/dating/relationships from now on because the one with the ex was extremely rushed and I want a friend if I were to ever marry again.

Keeping my mouth shut - part 2

I guess I’m not the only one frustrated by the ex. K threw a fit the same day I wrote part of this series. As I said in part 1, L is 4. He cries for his daddy when he gets his feelings hurt. Well I guess K had enough! She went off on him. Yelling all the things I have wanted to say but can’t!

“Daddy doesn’t love us!” “He doesn’t call; he doesn’t want to see us!” “He moved away and doesn’t want us!”

Of course I stopped her but I didn’t yell. I stayed as calm as I could. I told her to calm down and go to her room until she could be calm. She did. I comforted L and then went to talk to her.

She was much better later. But, I was really surprised that I was pretty calm, it was a really strange feeling.

As a side-note, the ex just called me. We haven’t really talked on the phone in a few weeks so that was weird for him to call. He was just checking in with me. Umm, whatever.

Keeping my mouth shut

With the ex living in another city and only seeing the kids once a month, I'm having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Its the whole, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" thing.

So since the people I am around the most (my kids) can't hear me vent, whine and complain about their dad.... plus they all think he is great.... well who am I to squash that. I want to be the bigger person in this.....

In that stream of thought, I'm going to vent, whine and complain, and basically say everything here that I would LOOOOOVE to say.

The ex is now in a relationship. After lying to me about wanting to get back together, I find out that for at least a month or more, we was seeing this girl and they moved right to "I love you" very quickly. Well good for him. But, I think part of the reason he can't seem to make time for his kids, is because he likes being with her. Fine. He is the one missing out. Here is what bothers me..... He called last night and told the kids he will be buying them all these new games. Why? I don't know but I would guess it is guilt. I really want to say something about it but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

Then he has also told me that he wants the kids to meet his new girlfriend and her kids. I told him our kids are not quite ready for that. Did he listen? No, he told the kids that he wants them to meet her. Well I had to pick up the pieces of that and he is completely stupid for not realizing they are not ready! He may be ready to move on but they are still trying to figure out what happened. Again, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. I already said everything that needs to be said. And, if he wants to spend his ONE weekend alone with the kids, with her as well.... well I don't know, just seems pretty selfish to me. Ya know?

Then L being 4 and me being here, well when he gets his feelings hurt, he will cry for daddy. And, ya know, when he does it about kills me. I would love to say, "Yeah you want daddy, but where is he? Not here because he doesn't want to be with us. He couldn't handle being a dad full-time so once a month is all he can do." I will not say that to my child but damn, I would love to. I just comfort him as much as he will let me and then we move along.

The point is I'm here. I haven't left the kids to flounder around and while I might be seeing someone it if casual and even if it were more, I wouldn't go pushing him on my kids. They are not ready for that at all!

I just cannot, will never understand being a part-time parent. He isn't here for doctor's appts, for sick kids, for the ups and downs, for looking over homework or taking them to the park. He isn't here to nag them to clean up their messes or to tell them good-night. I am here. I will always be here for them. If it means putting some of my plans on hold and not being able to go out and meet new people or get in a serious relationship, that is fine. They will be grown and gone before I'm too old to get out and meet people. K is 12... just a few years and she will be off doing her own thing with friends. H is almost 11, same deal. L is the only one I will have longer.... but still when he is 16-18-ish I will only be 41. That is quite young still.

And who knows what will happen this next year or two? I don't. But, I'm committed to doing whatever it takes for these kids and if that means having to bite my tongue quite often so that I don't hurt them.... well I can do it. I'm their mom.

Meet and Greet part 3

We got to meet up again, 3rd time. We talk often and I don't know what to say. He just cracks me up and well, I really like him. This is the exact thing I am looking for... again, casual, laid back and just great!

Now I have to say, I'm not looking for anything serious after getting out of a near 13 year marriage but then I'm not going to turn one down either..... but what is a serious relationship? I have been wanting to discuss this with him but I really don't want to define things and end up frightening him away. I don't know if I really want to define anything either.... but at the same time, I would like to know what he is thinking. So anyway, when trying to define to myself what I would think "serious" is.... well I couldn't.

This is what I want in a relationship:
honesty
trust
affection
respect
good conversation
lots of laughs
a connection
communication
and I want to know where I stand with the other person.... where do I rank, for lack of a better way to say that. (Not necessarily in that order.)

But, those are the things I am looking for. Some of these things come from the begining (conversation and laughs) and some come with time (trust, connection, affection). Some come with work... like communication.

So I have been talking to him now for almost 3 mths. We have meet up 3 times and do talk in some form just about everyday. I'm not ready to.... I don't know. I just don't want to scare him off by being too needy, clingy but I also think at some point soon we need to discuss this friendship/relationship so that we are both on board with what it is.

For now, I love the friendship it is and I hope it will continue because it is just the thing I want and right when I need it. Stay tuned for Part 4....

The Long Goodbye

This song, by Brooks & Dunn, really reminds me of my marriage and its death.... Good, good song! I had forgotten about it but I'm sitting here doing some schoolwork and listening to the songs on my computer. This just came on......


The Long Goodbye - Brooks & Dunn

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
It sure is hard to do
I know they say if you don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
Those words don't pull me through
Cause I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin' through the millclimbin' up a hill

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
But I know without a doubt
We turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we could still try
How long must we keep running on a carousel
Goin' round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayer

Chorus
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard
I tryI always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over…let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Long goodbye
Long goodbye...

The Stapler

In 1996 I went to work for an Army Coloniel at NATO/SACLANT in Norfolk, VA. This was really my first experience with working with/for the Army and also the first time I worked as an Executive Assistant.

His name was Coloniel William Hussey. We were both new to the command and learned a long the way how things worked and we got to the point where we were reading each other's minds. I would water his office plants when he was out. I knew when he needed help getting a pesky person out of his office, knew which calls to send in to his office and which to say he was busy, even if he wasn't.

He was also the type that made you feel like you were just this special person, a great person that could take on the world. His wife was amazing. They were just this great couple. I have a recipe of hers but I haven't made it, not once.

So one day he came to me and asked if I could find him a good stapler. The one he had would bind up and just didn't work well. Of course I would! He could have asked me to do just about anything and I would have done it for him.... No matter how minimal or petty it seemed to others, I would have done it. I spent a lot of time downstairs in the supply room "test driving" stapler until I found the perfect one. I proudly handed it over to him. And, in perfect Coloniel Hussey fashion, I was overly praised for such a trivial task. I loved him!

July 14, 1998 changed everything. Every night before I left I would tell him good-bye. No matter what (unless he was on a trip or something). Well July 13th, I had a bad headache and he was in a meeting so I just left..... the first time ever! I always would go to wherever he was and told him good-bye, meeting or not. This day was different.

Well the next morning, he was late. I ended up walking down the hall and around 9:00 am, the big boss (Captian Lewis) came to us and told us that Coloniel Hussey had died. Massive Heart Attack.

The next week was a blur. His funeral was amazing, just like he was.

Well as part of my job, I had to help pack up and inventory his office. This was done with another Army Coloniel who I knew very well. We talked and talked for a couple of hours while we packed my beloved boss' office. When I got to the office supplies and the stapler, I turned to the Coloniel and asked, "May I have this?".... He didn't even blink or question me, he just said Yes.

To this day, I have that very stapler. I use it often and it doesn't bind up. Just staples perfectly!

Coloniel Hussey, wherever you are, I think of you often. You were the most amazing man and I really looked up to you as a father figure and role model. You are deeply missed and I do hope that you check on me from time to time. In fact, I know you do and I hope you are proud. Maybe one day we will meet again. I'll bring you a biscuit.

"We come from strong pioneering women"

This is something my aunt told me not too long ago and I run it through my head from time to time.

Basically our family has always been run by women. I recently learned that both my great-great grandmother (dad's mom's side) and my great-grandmother (dad's dad's side) were divorced, single moms back when that was frowned upon. They worked very hard and raised great children and later grandchildren (and at some point my generation was born from this). My great-grandmother (dad's mom's mom) was a very strong woman. She definitely was in charge of what everyone in the family did. I could see that even at a young age. She wasn't a mean or angry or scary person, just very strong. Then my grandmother kind of took over this role and I can see my Aunt is now going to start playing that part. Who knows if I will be the one to pick that up at some point too but we shall see.

So yesterday I text messaged the ex, in a reply to him asking if I was okay: "This has just about killed me. But that that does not kill us makes us stronger. And babe, I am damn strong." (No reply from him.... oh well.... )

And, it was in that moment that I realized.... I do come from strong women and I am one of them! I felt like this huge weight lifted off of me and I just smiled.

Monday Night Rambles

Well after a long weekend you would think I would be nice and rested for the week ahead. Not so much. This was probably one of the worst weekends in my life. No kidding.

The divorce was final on Friday and I was so up from it, happy, glad it was over but crashed quickly. I stayed in a depression like no other all weekend. I hope that I kept some sense of humor about it, as much as possible anyway, but damn, I'm tired. I haven't slept more than a few hours at best all weekend. I haven't eaten but small bites each day... If you took everything I ate this weekend, it would still not amount to a full meal.

Mostly I think this was due to the factor I'm very nice or just really, really stupid. I let the ex stay here because he came in for court and to spend some time with the kids. It was just really stressful. I think the reality of the divorce being final would have been a bit hard but I think it was doubled if not tripled by him being here. Plus it reminds me of why we were going through the divorce in the first place.

And, what of the kids? Well, they are wild and hyper and I have no energy to deal with them so here I sit blogging away just to pass the time and hopefully the quiet tapping of the keyboard and the peacefulness I feel while writing will help me to relax enough to sleep peacefully for the first time several days.

Well the kids are now a lot more peaceful. In their beds and my eyes are starting to get really heavy.

So I will just leave you with this quote from the Lion King which the kids and I say almost every night.

"Good night."
"Sleep Tight"
"Dream of bed bugs tonight!"

Nice ride

Well I have been up since about 3-ish this morning. What was I doing at 3 in the moring? Having anxiety attacks. Really bad ones. I haven't had them this bad in a long, long time. I talked about them in another blog entry here.... did I call it "Me"? I think so.

Anyway I think these were brought on by all the stress and the divorce finally being over.... and well reality setting in. Now don't get me wrong, this is soo the right decision to make, but it still kind of sucks. There were no true deal breakers in our marriage that would make me hate him or divorce him, but then there wasn't anything to hold on to either. So there is that stupid, nagging voice asking me if this truly was the right thing, could we make it work? I know the answer to that..... No.

I have heard other people talk about feeling kind of this way too, so I know its normal but damn, until you go through it, you just don't get it. Of course for a normal person, maybe they wouldn't have anxiety attacks or maybe they do, again this isn't something people talk about.

Wow, one is starting now. What is happening is my whole body starts shaking and getting really tense. Its hard to breath and I feel very cold, very cold. Also I feel very sick to my stomach. But, anyway.....

The nice ride part. Well I decided I would go for a ride but being that it was still the "witching hour" as I call it. The time of morning when it is still really too early to just drive around randomly when you are a single woman.... or really anyone. I hopped on the computer and did a little web searching to pass the time and then "that guy" got on so we chatted via IM. I told him my plans, he gave some suggestions and we talked a bit until it was past the witching hour. I popped in a new CD with a bunch of my current fave songs and I was off. I drove to the Gulf and just felt the anxiety wash away.... at for a bit. Of course its back but oh well it was a nice ride anyway....

Just what I needed, a trip to my birth place, Galveston, TX. Love it though I know what I see when I go is different than the way others see it....Maybe a Rose colored glasses type of situation. Its home and I always feel good going there. Just going to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible.....

Meet and Greet Part 2

I meet up with that guy again. I hate to keep saying that guy but hey for privacy sake, that's his name as well as in keeping with my other entries with no names in them.

Anyway, we meet for lunch yesterday. It was really nice again. I get a little nervous in new situations like this, but after a few minutes was pretty comfortable joking around and chatting.

So nothing earth shattering but definitely what I needed and definitely just what I'm looking for right now. This will sound a lot like my last entry about him but this is just great. I don't want the pressure of a relationship or defining of things, no rushing into ... anything. Just fun, casual, talking and hanging out. If it doesn't go past that, fine with me and if it does fine with me. I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Funny thing is that he mentioned something about not talking as in running out of things to talk about. I can't imagine that happening at least not in the near future. New stuff happens everyday. Plus if he would just smile, I would be happy with that. I like when he smiles.

And, so we left it with "We should do this again." So stay tuned for Part 3.

September 9, 1992

This is a very important day to me. It was the day that really changed my life forever. It was the day I left home and arrived in Orlando, FL for Boot Camp. Yes folks that's my Navy anniversary date and while I'm not still in the Navy, it still means a lot to me.

As the date comes and goes each year, I break my belief of "No Regrets." No, no that's not entirely true. I don't really regret my decision to get out, exactly. I had good reasons at the time and I know I made the right decision for my family at the time. Now almost 14 years later, I miss that life. And, even more so with our country still at war after several years.

I joined the Navy in search of a few things. First, I wanted to see the World, I wanted to grow up and mature because I was very immature and very sheltered in a way. Secondly, I wanted a job that I could be proud of. Oh don't get me wrong, I actually am very proud of my job at Burger King but it was a 'high school/early college" job and not one that I wanted to stay at long term. Then third, my ex-boyfriend.... first serious boyfriend who I have talked about in this blog and who I still talk to today..... he was leaving for college and I just really couldn't imagine leaving here without him (it was a kind of friends with benefits type of break-up....)

So what did I get? I lived in Milton, Fl working at Helicopter Training Squadron Eight which was probably the best place a person like me could have gone given some of the stories I heard of hazing and what not. Plus I got to be around helicopters and even went in them. Wow! Good times. I left there as a Yeoman Third Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist. But, I never really reached my goal of seeing the world. Oh well.....

Next place I went was Norfolk, VA to work for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic..... or NATO but just the headquarters here in the U.S. Here I worked for one of the best men to walk this earth. I really admired this guy. On July 14, 1998, he passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Kissed his wife good-bye as he was leaving, started to walk out the door and then dropped dead to the floor. It changed my Navy experience from then on. I still miss him. I have his stapler.... Long story that I will save for another blog entry. I left the Navy as Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Airwarfare Specialist.

And, here I am after almost 6 years still wondering. Well I know partial what would have happened. I would have either gone to the USS Cole and would have been on it when it was hit in Yemen(did I spell that right?).... or I would have gone to Korea for one year without my family and then who knows.

So as September 9, 2006 draws near, I can't help but reflect and wonder and well mostly just smile.

Today was the day

So today was it: Court Date for the divorce. It will be official to the State of Texas Sept 15, 2006..... Almost exactly 13 years since we meet (Sept 23, 1993) So anyway. That's that.

Kind of a weird feeling really. Both good and bad. Good because I'm finally making me happy and well its about damn time I think of me first!!! Bad because..... well this is someone I don't really hate (oh I have some anger but not hate) and someone I have known for a really long time. There are only a few people outside of my family that I have known longer. But then its been a long time coming and we past the deadline for this a few years back.

So my motto has always been, "No regrets!" and this is definitely not a regret. not in the least!!!!

I am soooo freakin' happy today. I feel like dancing. Is that weird? Nay!!!!

Bye, Bye Love

I just watched this movie. If you have never heard of it, it came out in 1995 and has Paul Reiser, Matthew Modine and Randy Quaid as the main characters. Its about three divorced dad's and shows a weekend with their kids, and basically the ups and downs of divorce.

Now I have seen this movie before, many, many times. I really like it! But, I haven't watched it in more than a year maybe two years. It is very different watching it now since this is my life now.

Well sort of. I didn't realize how upset, angry and well bitter I am that he lives in Dallas. He can't see the kids often. In fact, the next time he sees them is in 2 weeks and he hasn't seen them in at least 2 weeks. I just don't understand why he is okay with this. I mean I would go insane if I couldn't see my kids. I enjoy getting a break from them, but I would just miss them too much if I knew I wasn't going to see them for 4-5 weeks at a time.

I feel so guilty because I feel like I have really failed my kids by not making this work.... but ya know it wasn't me. I didn't fail. We tried much longer than we should have and maybe it would have been easier on them if we would have called it quits years ago. I usually live by the motto "No Regrets" so I won't really wish to go back in time and I will just do as I normally do and make the best of it.

But how do I answer my children's questions. Why? Why aren't you still with Daddy? Why isn't Daddy here? When will we see him? Why doesn't he call us? Why isn't he calling us back? It just breaks my heart and takes all my will power and strength not to tell them the truth. I just try to answer the best I can, give a little reassuring smile, a hug.... and then distract them with a game or send them out to play.

Ya know at the end of the day, I know that I am here. I am doing what is in their best interest. Reassuring them that I will be here for them. Giving them a stable life, or the best I can. He has made his choices and now he must live with it.

Meet and Greet

Sooo yesterday I final meet up with a guy I have been talking to for just about 2 mths. It went well. We meet for ice cream (milkshakes) and just sat outside chatting and watching the world go by.

It was nice after two strikes to get a nice guy that was fun to talk with and laugh with. He was exactly who I was expecting to meet which was REALLY nice, again after two strikes.

He is just really laid back and fun. No pressure. No expectations. This is all so refreshing because I don't need these things right now. I want to ... I don't know if its dating or what but anyway.... to date someone that is just fun, easy to talk to and we have a few things in common with. He fits in that perfect.

We are talking about meeting up again. I do hope we do because it was so nice and after the year I have had.... well it was just that's it... nice!

Depression

The following blog was inspired by an email to a friend. Some of the wording comes straight from the email.

Depression, it’s a funny thing. Okay not like ha, ha funny but strange.

Today for example, I'm in a good mood... sort of. I can feel the bit of depression just below the surface. Basically I could burst in to tears at any moment and for no reason. I freakin' hate this feeling!!!! Why can't I just be normal?? Or maybe this is normal...

And, really what is normal. Maybe I am normal. Maybe everyone feels this way, okay not everyone but a lot more people than will admit it. It’s not something people seem to talk a lot about and when they do it seems to be a shameful thing. Sure there are new ad campaigns out about “Depression hurts” (oh and let me tell you it sure the heck does) to promote awareness. But, ya know it just isn’t a normal conversation topic.

Like people will say things like “I think I’m coming down with something.” Or “I’m getting a cold.” Or even “Wow, I have the worst cold.” Why can’t we say things like this about depression? People also seem more quick to go to the doctor for a cold or flu but very hesitate and again almost ashamed to go for depression.

Yes I used to be one of those. But, ya know, its okay to admit you are depressed because if you don’t, how can you get help, nobody knows to help you and you can’t even help yourself out of it. Why is it such a bad thing to say we are depressed? Is it “Girl Interpreted” like to say you are depressed, as in you will be put in a hospital for it? Is this where the shame comes from? Because we, as a society, haven’t truly gotten passed that and don’t really know how to deal with it so rather than deal with the actual problem; ignore it, lock it up or call it bad.

Thinking Andrea Yates. My heart just breaks for them. Her, her family and those poor babies. She was very sick and if we were more aware of depression (in all forms) would this have been preventable? Maybe not but at least something….

Anyway, I could probably write about depression for pages and pages because it is something I know all too well and something I am passionate about . Maybe someday I will even write a Bestselling book all about depression….. Hey I can dream right?

Cooking

I need to cook more. What is wrong with me lately!? I haven't really cooked much in a long time or so it feels.

I used to cook just about every night with the occassional out to eat. Now it seems like we pick up or having something delivered more often than not. Or, I do something super easy like sandwiches, frozen pizza or something like this. Not really a meal and it takes no time at all.

Is it school? But, I have been in school for almost 4 yrs now and I was cooking during this time. But, then I think, I was staying at home (not work) for just over 2 years of that time so maybe that's it.

Is it my lack of motivation? I actually love to cook and my children are super picky, just like dad. It is frustrating and makes cooking no fun! Yep this could be part of it too.

Is it being single? Maybe this too because there isn't someone here (besides my children) that I'm cooking for... someone special. Ya know?

I think I'm going to set a goal for myself that I will start cooking more. I will set myself up to succeed. How? I will pre-cook items, like meats/chicken so that I can just heat and eat with some sides, like a salad and veggies. Then set myself up some easy, healthy desserts too so it seems more special. I think I will also teach the kids (the older two) how to cook. I know I was cooking around their age.

I really want to do this. I really need to do this. So it shall be....

Dating

Do I really want to do the whole dating thing?

While leaving work the other day, I was watching this guy who was walking out in front of me. He had a very unique, and I’ll just say it, strange walk that’s why it caught my eye. Kind of “George Jefferson” like…. (from the Jefferson’s TV Show)….

But something else happened in that moment, besides thinking “Who walks like that!?”….I realized something…. If I start dating more and then find a boyfriend, I have to learn all these things about him. The way he walks, what makes him laugh, his mannerisms, what are his pet peeves…. And on and on and on.

While this is par for the course in meeting people and dating, I just want to get to that comfortable, familiar place. I know, I know part of the fun is getting to know someone new and learning all these things out about them and they you. I guess it is more I want to be in that part of the relationship where it is still new but at the point where it is comfortable also, maybe 2-3, maybe even 4 months into it.

So I guess what I’m saying is I want my cake and eat it too.

5 More.....

.... classes that is!!!! I am about to finish a class and on Tuesday I will start a new one..... Meaning as of Tuesday I will only have 4 more!!!! (okay sort of).


I AM SOOOOOO READY TO BE DONE!!!!! But I'm just so proud of myself because of all the times I wanted to quit and didn't. Because of overcoming many obstacules (sp?) to finish and even more because I have a fairly good GPA.... currently 3.72 (hoping for a tiny bit higher before its all said and done).

For anyone that knows me well, I am the first to say that I did horrible in HS. Its no secret. It was a really struggle for me to get the Cs, Ds and Fs that I did get....with some Bs and even rarer was an A.

But, here am I only a few classes away from being a college graduate! Something I have wanted for sooo long and needed AND even more importantly have exceeded my own expectations for myself.

Now I just have to decide what to do about my Master's. I'm thinking I should do a ground school (go to a campus) to do this because maybe it will be taken more seriously than getting one online..... but I will say this.... I learn far better online than I ever have in a classroom. I'm too much of an introvert and get too distracted to learn well in a class environment.

My hope is that online colleges will become more accepted and more common so that I can continue with it because at the end of the day..... I know that I have truly learned a lot!!!!! More than I ever could in a class.

Tuesday

Well here it is Tuesday, Aug 8 2006. I can't believe how fast the year is flying by.

Soo much has happened this year already and so much more is to come!

I didn't have much to blog about but felt the need to write. I have been a bit of a wreck this past week or so. Depression hit me hard, out of no where or so it felt. It was nice not to be depressed for a while and now that it is over... I'm glad its over. I hate when I feel that way.

Many little (or big) stressors right now. The big one being money (Money isn't everything, but its a main focus when you don't have enough!). I was doing fairly well for a while. But, bam, car trouble. I mentioned that my car needs work.... well a new engine to be exact. How much is that you might be wondering? Well only.... $4000.... oh plus the rental car of roughly $300 for the week..... Sigh, just when I thought I might be able to afford to get away for a weekend or maybe even two. Ah well such is life.

No dating updates. No divorces updates. No kid updates. No school updates. No work updates.

So I am just going to sit here and daydream about winning the Lotto. Hey, someone is going to win, why not me?

Long time, no blog

Hello there. So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure you are thinking, Yeah duh!

Well I have been feeling the walls closing in on me again and I have fallen in a pit of depression. I haven't felt this way for a while and I was enjoying it.... but as it does, life caught up.

So the good is work is going great! I love my job! I'm so happy to have this job.

The kids are doing great. Starting school very soon. We are completely ready and K is going to start taking Strattra again so I'm crossing my fingers that the year is easier for all of us because of it.

Now the bad.... Car is in the shop... AGAIN! Needs a new motor, it had no oil pressure... I have no idea yet how much this is going to cost. The shop has to give me a price on Monday. It is undriveable so I have a rental car. Can I afford all of this??? NO!!!

Nor can I afford for the Geek Squad to come out and fix my computer but they will be here on Tuesday. I have no choice. My computer is messing up a lot and my school is online..... so the choice is spend an arm and a leg to get it fixed so I don't miss class. My GPA is high and I want to keep it that way....

Then the divorce is all messed up. I can't even talk about it... but I have been saying I am divorced because, well we haven't lived together in a year and he doesn't even live in this city. NOW it won't be officially official for who knows how long!!! It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. I just want it to be over!!!

Dating. No updates. Still just chatting with one guy that I would love to meet. He seems really interesting and someone I have really enjoyed getting to know. Not sure where its going, if anywhere, but I'm just enjoying it while it lasts. All I want is someone to talk with and enjoy some laughs with, be it email or on the phone or in person....

I have talked with a few other people but nobody else that I am interested in. They seem like great guys but.... not for me... I just wish them luck in finding what they are looking for.

As for other things... my weight keeps going up and down and then up again.... currently going down. I just want it to be.... well something I can be happy with. I'm going to start doing the South Beach Diet again. Walk away the Pounds for exercise and I got a new video... bellydancing! It looks like fun and I have tried a few moves, but I'm sure I look something like a Hippo trying to dance. LOL!

So that's it. Just trying to snap out of my funk and just keep reaching for the stars!!!

New Postage Stamps

I know this really doesn't have anything to do with being single or being a mom BUT I'm soooo getting these new stamps.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060719/ap_en_ot/super_stamps

It goes with the whole TxGambit thing and also there is a whole story about 76 boxes of comic boxes that I used to live with.

Sooo I'm hitting the post office to pick these up tomorrow.

Why TxGambit?

My screenname.... The TX might be easy to figure out. Texas. But what's a Gambit?

It was the name of our first cat.... or I guess we had another cat for about a week before it went nuts and we had to give it up. So I guess our second cat was Gambit. Its also an X-men character if you were wondering.

So anyway, that's my screenname. TxGambit. Most everything else I would use has been taken but I like this one so I keep using it!

Life is funny....

..... said with lots of sarcasm. Sometimes it works the way we want, sometimes it doesn't.

Nuff said.

Miscellaneous

Things I like:
Play-Doh
Dollhouses
New crayons/coloring books
Slinky
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles
Hot Wheels or Matchbox cars
LEGOS!!!
Puppies

Things I dislike:
Bugs!
Spiders
Ants
Fleas
Did I mention bugs?
Snakes
Burnt popcorn smell! Yuck!
Rude people
Bad Drivers

Places I have lived:
Texas
Florida
Virginia
Back to Texas!
North Dakota
Back to Texas!

Mottos:

“What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”
“You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take Texas out of the girl.”
“Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it’s all in how you look at them.”
“No regrets!”
“Don’t write down anything you don’t want someone to read/know.”
“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.”

All my jobs:
Babysitting
Packing school supplies
Burger King
United States Navy: Yeoman Second Class Petty Officer Air Warfare Specialist
Lockheed Martin: HR Assistant
Mobile Health Testing, Inc.: Quality Control Specialist
St. Luke’s Episcopal Hospital: Capital Campaign Assistant
Degussa/Master Builder’s: Business Administrator
Chevron: HR Assistant

Best job:
Being mom

Worst job:
Being mom

Yes that is possible!!!!

Weird/interesting medical type stuff:
Birthmark had laser surgery in 1992 to remove part of it.
Cut my finger almost completely off when I was 4. You can almost not tell.
Burned the back of my hand….. LOOOOOOONG STORY!
Fell off the handlebars of a friend’s bike when I was a kid.
Got shot in the hand with a nail gun in 2003. It didn’t hurt as bad as you would think it would.


Well I hope you had fun learning some quick facts about me. I enjoyed writing it.

The Visit

Ex-h visited this weekend. Sometimes its weird for me to call him the ex. But at the same time, I realized I don't have those types of feelings for him anymore. What I mean is... I do love him.... but it is the "we have three kids and 12 years together" type of feelings. Make sense?

Anyway, it was a fun weekend and a nice visit. I hope that we can continue to get along and be friends of sorts because I think it is important for the children. It might seem weird to some but he and I have always been better at the friends part of our relationship not so much the typical married stuff.

He is asking if he can come again this next weekend, and honestly, I want a weekend just me and the kiddos. I told him I would think about it.

Besides!!! The dog show is this next weekend and he isn't an animal person. I want to go and enjoy myself!!!! Ha, ha.....

Short one this time - Don't you just hate....

Don't you just hate going to the restroom and when you go to wash your hands, someone has gotten the sink all wet!

Yep me too.

See told you it was short.... after my massive one from earlier!

Me.....

I have been thinking about my self esteem a lot lately. I feel that for the most part I am a confident person. But, for some reason I have a poor image of myself when I think of how other people see me. I have been reflecting a lot on why this might be. Bear with me while I ramble on trying to find the right words to express myself. This after all is why I have a blog, so that I may ramble on to try and express my feelings and sort through my life.

Anyway, here goes…. Keep in mind you have been warned that this could have no point other than my own self discovery and it will probably be really long!

Now I have been told that I do seem confident and sure of myself by many people. But, I don’t see it. See here is the thing for anyone reading that doesn’t know me or doesn’t know this about me. I suffer from anxiety attacks. What is that, you might ask? It isn’t like stage fright or nervousness, though I do call it that sometimes and it’s not really being shy, which again I call it that sometimes too. But, it is truly an attack that I cannot control. I know what things will set one off, at least for the most, and so I try to stay in my “comfort zone”. But things as simple as calling for a pizza or filling the car up with gas could set one off. And, I really just don’t understand that.

Meeting new people is the big thing that will just set me in to a huge attack. In 2003, I went to Chicago to meet friends of mine for a girl’s only weekend. Now keep in mind I had not met these people prior to this weekend. I belong to an online group of moms. So the first person I meet, I told her of this problem but told her to bear with me because it would go away shortly. After talking with her, I relaxed and felt the attack go. It wasn’t a bad one which surprised me because 1. I don’t fly often nor have I really flown much by myself. 2. I was going to a city I had never been to 3. I was meeting new people.

And recently with dating, I have now met two people from online dating services, so almost like a blind date. Both times I have had a mild attack… actually the first was really bad but I had talked with him about it prior to meeting and he was really cool about it and then very soothing when we meet. He didn’t try to hug me (second guy did, freaked me out!) or push me to talk right away. He was really patient. Second guy, like I said, hugged me right away and was like “you don’t talk much”. Umm, no.

Why am I writing this now? Because I’m going to met someone else new very soon. I don’t want to mess up the casual tone of our …. Umm… online chatting, I guess? by having an anxiety attack when we do finally meet. I also don’t feel comfortable yet to tell him (so just hoping he will read the blog and find out)…. which really is silly because he has been really easy to talk to and honestly I do feel comfortable talking with him. We do seem to have things to talk about and just seem to get along but that’s ONLINE! What about in person? I just don’t know and therefore I just hope I don’t have an anxiety attack the first time we meet because it could set the tone for potential future meetings…. If we were to choose to meet up again. I just don’t know and I don’t want to ruin anything a potential friendship or more. (not ready to define this at all yet or predict the future. Just enjoy it for what it is.)

So let me describe a typical attack. I start to feel like this “fight or flight” type of reaction. My heart starts to beat faster and faster, I get shaky, panicked a bit, like I just have to get the heck out of this situation (whatever it is). If I’m at a store and one happens, everything gets very tunnel vision like…. Like I can only see directly in front of me and everything around me is blurry. Sometimes my voice shakes or I can’t really talk, I can’t raise my voice to the point where people can hear me (Like whispering but I can’t make it get louder) or I might have the opposite problem, where my voice is just really loud and shaky. My breathing gets hard like someone is sitting on me. I might get cold or I might get too hot. Now not all of these happen each time, these are just the really bad ones. Usually I’m just a bit shaky.

I wish I could control this. I wish it was just that simple that I could think about it and it would stop. I have taken meds for it in the past but just don’t feel comfortable with that long term. My strategy is this:

- Stay in my comfort zone most of the time. (Routine is very good) My comfort zone is the Houston Area. Living in Fargo about killed me! (Oh and yes I was in the Navy but I didn’t really have this problem, or at least not like this…).

- But at times, force myself to do new things! Like meeting people. I rarely let these attacks stop me completely. I do try to push through it because I know the reward is on the other side. I had a great time in Chicago so much so I did it the next year too, but this time to Baltimore.

- I know my limits. I try to shop when I know there won’t be too much of a crowd and if I just can’t go into the new store today, I will try tomorrow.

Back to the point of self-esteem. I think this really influences it because it makes me worry that people will leave me or think that I’m strange for this and that why can’t I just control it? I can’t except with meds and I don’t feel comfortable with that long term but I have BTDT and I know it is an option if I were to get really bad. I have never been out of my mind with it. It’s just me shaking and nervous-like until I can get myself to relax. I can have normal thoughts and if my voice is okay, I can have a normal conversation. Unless you can tell that I’m shaking, most people probably won’t know. However, I might seem rushed or anxious though which might come off as rude or I might seem almost snobby because I’m just trying to hold myself together.

I hate this about me and if I had one wish right now…. Well I probably would waste it on getting a super model body but, if I had two wishes this would be my second wish… To not have anxiety attacks anymore!