To continue or really let this blog go....

That really is the question.

I have thought about this over the last few months. I don't know what to do. I know that I will miss blogging as I have these last few months of not doing it. I don't just want to let my blog name go either. I love that name and it really is who I am.

But I also wonder this, would another blog/blog name fit me better at this point? I have come so far from Finding myself to having found everything.

I am comfort with myself and who I am as both a woman and mother. I have found closure where there was pain and wounds. I want to help others though and that right there stops me from moving on.

Given the divorce rate in the country (and others)..... there are newly divorced/divorcing families everyday. Very sad but reality is what it is. And like me, there will be mothers looking for the person they feel they are and trying to find the person inside of them that was lost or bring out that strenght from within to be the best single mom they can be.

There are unique and not so unique things about being a single mom, and I know hearing from others who had been there, done that, really helped. Having a place to vent and just say whatever I wanted helped too! Best therapy ever.

Soooo if you still read me, if you still care, know I haven't forgetten either but I am just trying to decide if I should relaunch as Single Mom finding or find myself a new niche. :) Until then know I haven't abandoned ship.... just took a much needed step back.

I hate our custody agreement!!!

There I said it! I can't believe after all this time I am still very bitter and angry about it. I actually just got in a really heated discussion (okay a fight) with my ex about it. It freakin' sucks! He of course says I made my choice first which led him to move over 200 miles away. But whatever!

So our custody agreement is really not an agreement in writing so much as it is just .... well a mess. I can only count on certain times of the year that he will for sure have the kids. A week at Christmas, Spring break and at least a month (or a bit more) in the Summer. That's it. Anything else is kind of a surprise. This past year he did come help out a few times so I could travel for either work or pleasure. However, I can't always count on it.

I mean if he lived in town, we could do the every other weekend thing. Then that is something I could count on and plan for.

But don't get me wrong, I love being here for my kids just about everyday. They know I am here. They know what they get from me.

Selfishly I wish I could have more me time. I have things I want to do and most of them involve spending really good alone time with Goofball.... I loved having the house to myself this summer. I loved having him here with me. We could just get up and do or hang out without being disturbed or worrying about "will the kids hear"... It is really selfish but I really like my relationship with him and I feel like everyday is so special. I always feel like everyday I don't see him, I am wasting time, losing time or something like that.

Now that sounds like I am super clingy... Yeah maybe a little but honestly I also like it when he gets some guy time with his friends (or cousins or just for himself). It is really good for both of us to have that time.

I want to develop my friendships as well. I have some really great friends that I never get to see! I have "Working Moms" guilt still over working all day and then going out at night. I don't know how to balance it even after all this time. I guess it is really more "Single mom" guilt and "You're dad isn't here so I feel the need to make it up to you and overcompensate therefore not having a life myself" guilt.

There is also the fact I just don't think I can leave them for long because my daughter is really at an age that I feel I need to be here. She is a Sophomore now in High school. If I am out, what is she doing? I come home to a house full of teens and no matter how many rules I make, I have to work and she knows it. Therefore, she has her friends come while I am at work. I did it too! I am scared! Thankfully her brothers are around but how much longer can I count on them to keep her out of some trouble. Not much.... The one son is a teenager too.

So those are my dilemmas and hatred at my custody agreement. I don't get "me" time. I don't get "couple" time and I worry about leaving for long periods of time because I have two teens now.

Granted even if their dad lived here, would I really get my time? I don't know but I can dream. It is kind of the grass being greener thinking that leaves me bitter. I know I need to let that go because it is really only hurting me and there is NOTHING I can do about it. He will never live here and I will never live there. (Okay I say I will never but if there was a job.... I might)

I guess I just need to figure out how to balance my life and to balance being a mom to teens.

What a difference a year makes

For me, this summer has been much better. There have been a lot of bad news all around me, including finding that my grandmother has breast cancer. But health-wise, night and day from my summer last year. I have been so much less depressed (in fact, only slightly at all this year).... My kids just got back from the summer and I wasn't at all miserable! I missed them, yes but I really enjoyed myself. I got some really great quality time with Goofball. We got a lot of great one on one time and I feel really good about things with him. He is amazing.

I also spent a lot of time with my dog. I know, it might sound crazy but he is super cute and we got a lot of time to just hang. He really seemed to enjoy the one on one time. Goofball and I even took him to the beach this summer. He had a blast!! Of course the interior of my car didn't enjoy it! But after a good vacuum, I think I got all the sand out!

And lastly, work has been crazy busy BUT in a good way! I have felt for a long time that I had lost my "spark" for work. Actually I have felt pretty stupid, like I couldn't remember policies or procedures. I didn't feel like I could complete tasks by the deadlines or without many mistakes, etc. But finally, FINALLY I feel like I am getting my brain back. It feels good!

Anyway, I am very happy with my life right now and I can honestly say that I haven't felt that way in a long, long time.

Book Review: Parents who Cheat....

Title: Parents who Cheat: How Children and Adults are affected when their parents are unfaithful
Author: Ana Nogales, Ph.D. with Laura Golden Bellotti

I was asked to review this book by TLC Book Tours. If you aren't familiar, check them out!

My first impression was, "Well obviously negatively affected by their parents but also, who told them?" I realize there are many reasons that children are told or find out.... but still....

I don't think I have ever mentioned it before but.... I have had an affair. When it happened, I thought we were getting a divorce and he and I were not having sex.... but I did hide it and we were still married. We ended up staying married to and when I made the decision to stay with him, I had ended the affair weeks before then. Was it right? No. Do I regret it? No. But would I tell my children? No and thankfully they never had to find out.... either by my leaving to be with this other man, no babies were born, etc. So in our case, I didn't have to tell them and they will never know. We stayed together another 8 years and I wish I could say that I never thought about cheating again. I did. A LOT! I just never got what I needed out of the relationship. I also had a couple of "emotional" affairs, if you will. I emailed with old boyfriends or friends to get that verbal attention I needed. But I digress....

So anyway, I was interested to read this book for that reason.... also because like I said, Lisa at TLC Book Tours asked me to!

I thought the book was well written, well organized and she seemed to cover everything. It is like most self-books in that I feel you don't have to read it straight through or even completely to get what you need out of it. I found myself skipping to different parts of the book as I had a question about one topic or another.

I am not sure that I personally can use the information in the book but I am glad I read it. I would recommend it for anyone in this situation, either you were cheated on, you were the cheater or you are a child of infidelity.

Something missing from my life....???

I have always felt like something has always been missing from my life. Some people might argue that I am not missing something.... but I have always felt like this one person should be. I have never met this person and never will..... Who is it? A sister.... my sister.

I have felt this way since I can remember. I thought my baby brother would be a sister but alas.... she was a boy which made two little brothers for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers and I really wouldn't trade them! However, there is a very different relationship between a brother and sister than the one between sisters.

There have been times through my life that a sister would have really come in handy. And really while some people might not have a great relationship with their sister, and there is no guarantee that we would (if she existed), I think the way me and my brothers were raised, we would have been close.

I am pretty close with my youngest brother. So in a way, I have that close sibling but again, I just think a sister relationship, a female relationship with a sibling would be so different. We could talk differently than my brother and I do. We could do things like shopping, discuss children/babies, being pregnant, things like that. While my bro and I have discussed these things a little bit, it has its limits. He has never been pregnant or given birth. He doesn't know what it is like to date a guy or know what it is like to be hormonally crazy once a month. He isn't a big fan of shopping either.

I also think that if I had a sister, or I would hope, that maybe, just maybe we would live near each other. I have always believed that men more often than women, move away from family, at least their own family but they will live closer to the wife's family.

I really could have used a sister during my school days too. I really needed that "built in" friend. I had a really hard time getting through the years and I think (or at least day dream) that it would have been better with a sister in it.

Also our family was an odd numbered family. On family trips, my brothers could hang out and my parents had each other.... and I was odd man out. If there would have been four of us, well then I would have had someone.

I do have some great sister-in-laws but it really isn't the same. But alas, I do not have a sister and I never will.... so I just have to be thankfully for what I do have and I am!! :) (even if I will always miss having a sister)

Trouble Sleeping

but not really falling asleep though it is taking a little longer than usual. It is more the staying asleep that is getting to me right now.

I don't know what the problem is but I have had sleep issues for a million years now. When I actually sleep through the night, it is a good night. And really the other sad thing is that I start sleeping really good about an hour before it is time to get up. So on the weekends (or days off) it works out great because as long as I have no where to go, I can just let myself sleep from about 4:30 am on.... until I get up.

Part of the trouble right now though, I do know. My kids are gone and for whatever reason I have trouble sleeping when they are gone. Another is I have like 50 million things on my mind. Work is like kicking my butt lately. I love it, don't get me wrong but sometimes I truly feel like I am drowning. I have also been doing the job for a long time. It is time for a move (within my current company).

It is one of the things I love about where I work. They encourage movement, career development and the like. Right now, like the rest of the employment world, there is nada in the way of new jobs. Those very few opportunities that do come up are snatched faster than anything.

So for now I hang on and just really try to work hard, stay motivated and learn as much as I can.....

.... without falling asleep...... :)

Happy dreams, peeps!

Busy, busy, busy!

This week is shaping up to be extremely busy at work. That is fine. Makes the days fly by or so I can hope, right?

One of my co-workers just lost his grandmother. She has been very sick and has fought like a champ, but alas she lost her battle. At least she is at peace now.

I already had my own long to-do list, now I have some of his. I don't mind, this is not a complaint. Just giving an idea of what my week will look like.

Then I got two free tickets to the Astros game on Friday night. I haven't seen a game (live) in years! They were in the Astrodome then.... I have never been to Minute Maid Park. Now I just need to find someone to go with me. :)

I got a lot done this weekend though I still feel like I have a ton of cleaning left to do. I got a lot of the clutter cleaned and that was the really important part! Still a few "hot spots" to clean but overall, much better. I feel lighter! Good feeling!

I did a bit for myself this weekend; like I mentioned below, I got a pedicure. First one in at least 3 yrs. Long overdue and much deserved. It felt good. I also bought a few things for myself and just got several errands checked off. Visited family and relaxed!!!

I think I am ready for my busy week. I love my job (though ready for some new challenges) and at least it keeps me busy!

Falling apart a little bit

I wasn't going to write this out until I got to talk to him but it doesn't look like I will get to any time soon.... and it is nearly killing me.

He is in pain. He is hurting. Lost, confused. Hell I don't even know what he is going through. I am trying to be patient and understanding and supportive and just here. I don't want to fall apart out in the "open" where he can see it (he reads this blog and I am not going to hide my blog just so I can talk freely).... but it is time now not to just hold it in and be for him. I have to be for me some things too.

Not to take away from his situation at all, his feelings. But it is because of how he feels that I am a mess but not only because he seems so lost but also because he is gone.

I have never in my life felt for someone the way I feel for him (kids not included). I feel so complete when I am with him. Calm, safe. I have always felt guarded and like I needed to almost protect myself from other men. I had to be careful. Never was I abused physically but emotionally for sure. He isn't like that.

He is hands down the best man I have ever met. Smart, caring, thoughtful, respectful, funny and sexy as hell.

I love that he is out doing for him for a change. He absolutely deserves the time and needs it. But it is also extremely hard on me to have him gone. I am in tears nearly everyday. Cranky. Moody. I want to do for myself and I am trying. I got a pedicure.... the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. I have gotten quite a bit done in the house but still have so much to do.

And damn it isn't like I see him everyday, but maybe a few times here and there, but he is so amazing that knowing I am missing time with him when life is so short anyway, well it is hard.

And all I can say is I am trying and wish for him some clarity, time for himself and that he knows I am here for him when he is ready.... no rushing, no pressure. I am strong enough to get through this.... I just have to let myself fall apart a little to keep it together.

Back when I was a new mommy

It has been a while since I was a first time mommy. It was actually just over 15 yrs ago. My little girl was born June 25.... she came two weeks early.

I was in the Navy at the time so I got 6 weeks maternity leave. Not too much but then I was a shining star, climbing the ladder type. So 6 wks was fine with me, except for one thing. I had to find child care for my precious baby. Okay... okay but my worry was she would know me as mom in name only. I was worried she would love another in that "mom/daughter" way.

Well that never happened and my fears were quickly put to rest the first time I picked her up and she smiled the hugest smile for me! Then the first time she giggled and reached for me.

Well 1 year ago today, my children got a new "mom" in their life. She had been in their life already for a year and that was a tough year for all of us. We were dealing with so many new emotions and feels. The kids were nervous to let me know they liked her. I was fighting back some jealous feelings, though not for him/her but for my kids. I didn't want them to love another "mom".... But it was too late, I liked her as soon as I met her. She is a nice, bubbly person. The kind that you can't help but seem to like.

As soon as I did meet her, I knew they were going to get married. I just could feel a vibe (I do that a lot).... So I started a friendship with her. Some may think it is weird but it works for us and I feel better about who my kids are spending time with. I trust her.... maybe even more than I trust my ex with them. Sad really.

Today is their 1 year anniversary and I am happy to have her as part of our weird little family. I couldn't ask for a better person to love my children and for them to think of in that mommy way.

I know they love me more than anyone else in the world.... :)

My bucket list....

So I have been thinking about this for years, even before the movie. But thinking about it is all I have done and I have wasted valuable time that I could be checking things off my list.

The big questions in my mind about it are do I put a date on it like my 40th or 50th bday or do I leave it open ended? What happens if I don't complete something or can't or what? What types of things do I put on it?

I know pretty much what I want to put on it. The typicals like travel, things to eat, sights to see, people to meet/see. I don't think I want to do much of the daredevil types of things but I am not ruling that out.

I think what I could say is that I want to get X stuff done by 40 (only 3 1/2 yrs) and then some other things by 50, etc.

But then what about the World we are living in, how is it going to change over the next 5, 10, 20 years? So should I leave some flexibility in it? Of course....

Do you have a bucket list?

Every Summer....

So every summer, I am faced with one major decision: What am I going to do without the kids?

It seems like a simple thing. It really does. Everyone offers great ideas. But some of the things I just am not willing to do alone: dinner, movie. And the open ended one is, "Well just do something for yourself."

What does that mean? I mean I guess I know WHAT it means but I don't know how to do it.

Most of the year, I have the kids. I get to go out some, mostly with Goofball, sometimes with other friends. But when possible, I try to do something with the kiddos. But I am limited to a certain radius from home. I can go so distance from home, but not overnight and I try to stay in places that I can get a phone call.

So since most of the year I have them, when I don't, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. I still have to think about the doggie but he is pretty good. Just no overnights unless I can get someone to come look after him or see if there is room at the Inn (read: Vet)

What am I doing with my time?

I went to dinner with an very good friend who I have known since elementary school. That was fun!

I had a phone chat with a long-lost (and now found) friend from my early Navy days! For whatever reason, we lost touch but thanks to Facebook, have found each other again. She is talking about coming to visit me too!

Then I am hoping to go visit my cousin this week, might see my school friend again. We have a family party on Saturday and in there some time I want to clean the house some more. (One project at a time)

I volunteered to help at some community thing for work but haven't heard an update on things as of yet.

Where is Goofball?

He is out of town for an undefined amount of time. I miss him but he does need this break. I'll be here when he is ready.

My big thing this year is to stay healthy! Last summer was chaos. I don't even want to think about it. Not even going to link to last year's stuff. I have already taken positive steps to get there. I started Weight Watchers (at work) back in March. I have lost 13 lbs to date. Slow and steady wins the race.

So those are my summer plans, does it sound like I am doing something for myself? I hope so! because I feel like I am. :)

Explaining my absence

I have thought about how to explain what has been going on with me and why I haven’t blogged anything in nearly 2 mths. It isn’t one thing but many and some of it isn’t my story to tell; however, I will share as much as I feel I can and keep some anonymity about it…. as much as I can. So here goes….

First my kids broke my lap top in such a way that it is no longer portable making it very inconvenient for me to use it as I used to (in my bed, comfortable, in front of the TV). And when I say kids, I really mean just one but not to “out” anyone… I blame them all. J

With this in mind, the computer is in an open area and is not as comfortable to work on for long periods of time. There is too much activity around me when I sit there so I can’t focus. Kids, their friends, the dog, the cats, the messy house, the projects I need to work on…. Ya know, all the stuff I can’t hide from in my room.

Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of brain power and time on the computer. I still get my emails in and other things (that are part of my absence, I’ll explain next). When I am on the computer it is much more strategic lately, meaning I have a goal in mind: i.e. answer an email and then getting off….

However, I will admit I have a bit of a Facebook addiction. I have to check status updates all the time. “Did I miss something?” “Who has sent me a friend request now?” “Wow, it is great to see Suzy from High school!” (Not necessarily Suzy, I just made up a name) I have also gotten quite addicted to a few of the games and apps on there. They are mindless so it fits into my no-brain-power-after-work-if-I-can-help-it plan.

Then there is the whole blog thing itself. Well let me explain. I am not happy with my blog layout but I am an idiot when it comes to changing it and I really don’t want to learn it right now (see no brain power above). I want to learn someday but I just don’t have the time for it now. I want someone to do it and me to say “Cool, thanks.” Or whatever…. I have great ideas on what I want it to look like and what I want it to be…. But the drive, energy and time is just not there, oh did I mention commitment? I want my blog to do something, go somewhere but without a good layout, I am stuck here…. And I guess I need to write for it to do anything…. Hence me trying.

Well then we went out of town to visit my bro in Colorado. Got to hear his band practice. Awesome. It was nice to get away. I have been able to take two fun trips this year; one without kids and one with.

However, there was an overshadowing factor to my vacation. The very moment I was enjoying time with just me and my bro. He had run into a store to get something. I called a friend only to be told his daughter was “in her last moments”…. Somewhat expected and somewhat unexpected. This also happened to be my first day of vacation. My friend called me back to say she did in fact pass. I spent the rest of my time away bursting into tears at a thought or a reminder of him and/or her but also finding myself taking my time more to enjoy the moments with my brother, his family and my kids.

As much as he kept me out of that part of his life, I also felt some motherly feeling towards her (not like I wanted to be her mother, just I am a mother and I know the feelings of caring for a child…). There was something very special about that little girl anyway; you wouldn’t have been able to help yourself.

I got home in time for the funeral services which were hard in all kinds of ways that I won’t go into now.

I’ll just say he is very special to me and I am here for him in any way he needs, be it close or far, I’m here. His life has changed in so many ways and he really needs time to just figure it out, make decisions and just breathe a little.

I was also surprised in many ways by my own feelings of grief. Not on the same level as his or the rest of the family but I was not unaffected by this. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed. I didn’t cry for my uncle, though I did for the pain my grandmother was in. And, since this was a known disease she had, I had researched grief for the past few years but still was not prepared for my own. So in many ways that is another factor in the long line of “why I haven’t written in nearly 2 mths”…. Plus this part isn’t my story to tell; however, given the direct and indirect effect this has had on me, I can talk about that part, yes?

Anyway, I make no promises of when I will write again or how frequent, just that I haven’t and won’t give up on this blog. I know many of my loyal readers and friends will come back and support me for as little or as much as I write. I just want to deliver on that somehow. Hopefully checking off some of my stressors listed above will help me and with the kids leaving soon to stay with their dad for a few weeks, I will have a little more time. Maybe I can sort my many notes and find some things that are worth writing about or even not worth writing about but I will do it anyway…. I have tons of notes on blog topics and ideas and thoughts. I really could write everyday and never run out of things to talk about.

It is all about time and energy to do it.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm back, YO!

I had a great weekend. At one point, I actually said, "I have nothing in my head." and that meant exactly that.... I often have a million things running through it: to-do lists, bills to pay, songs, kid voices and a hundred other things. So to walk away from it for just.... a few days, was AWESOME!

Not much to tell, we kinda took a Vegas type of vow of "What happens in.... stays in....." ya know? Of course not too much happened that we can't talk about but it is fun to think that we had really big secrets like that.

I did learn a lot about myself during the trip. I plan to write about those things soon, I hope.

And ya know friendship are so interesting to me. M and I haven't seen each other since April/May 2000 (time frame) and it was almost like we have never been apart.

Anyway, thanks to all the new readers and a special thanks to all those that have been with me for a while. I really appreciate you sticking with me through the feast and famine of my blog.

I'm leaving on a jet plane....

I am heading to Orlando on Friday for a girls only weekend! The organizer is probably my best friend in the world... or at least one of my top girls! I named K after her.... that is how much she means to me. We were in the Navy together and then got stationed at the same base for our first years. We partied together. We had our babies together and went through a lot of ups and downs. She sees me better than almost anyone.

Then there will be her SIL who I know. And then my friend's BFF from grade school. I feel like I know her and I can't wait to really meet her!

I only have one thing on my mind that is making me almost wish I wasn't going. I will miss Goofball very much. I am just crazy for that boy. We usually see each other 1-2x a week... usually Friday and/or Sunday (sometimes both days, sometimes only one).

I will miss our Friday for sure and not sure about seeing him on Sunday. I hope so!

But ya know, that isn't even all of it. I really wish that we could travel together but at this time in our life's we can't. Some of you know the story but some are coming here for the first time. I haven't shared it on my blog. Just due to privacy, I won't be.

The point is that sometimes I feel ... not guilty but... well like I just miss him more because I wish he was with me and enjoying things with me. That is pretty much it.

I do plan to have a great time. I have new clothes and I got some fun girls to hang with so it is all good.

In other news the kids' dad is coming in to stay with them. At first there was talk about his wife coming too and they would both be staying in my house. I was some what okay with this but like I wrote, my house is not always the cleanest place. Today he told me that just he is coming. Okay then, I am okay with that too and in fact I will feel less nervous about it.

Have a good weekend. I don't think I will write again until I get back...

Wordless Wednesday - New Camera!

If I had one wish....

Most people would make a wish for something out there.... A dream vacation, a lot of money, maybe even more wishes. Right? Some people might even wish for something like how they want to find true love, maybe a loved one getting well, something less selfish than the other wishes.

However, me? I wish for something maybe a little out there or hey maybe to other parents it isn't all the crazy. I wish for a clean house. Not just for one day but everyday. I guess really to back up, I just wish my children were as into the idea of having a clean house as I was. Or maybe I would wish for something like me being a better "housewife"... I am so not very domestic, I have other skills instead. :)

However, I really want my house to be clean. I really want to not be embarrassed by it any more. I really want to teach my children the importance of cleaning, being neat and how to clean. I think that is an important skill, don't you? Okay don't answer that.

I wish I could peek into other people's houses so I could just see if I am the only one or not. Some days I can't believe we live here like this. I expect Oprah's production team to show up at my house, saying my name/house was sent in as the dirtiest house in America and wow they are surprising me with a team of cleaning people.... but the catch is my house will be seen by millions! Hmm, yeah I don't even want Goofball to see my house or my parents. I cringe when the doorbell rings because I don't want people to see in!

And it isn't like I don't know HOW to clean, I do. But I will admit, I am a surface cleaner. I know I have talked about this before (but I am too lazy to look back through all the blog entries for just where).... If you can see it in my house, most of the time that is all that is clean. Just don't look behind anything, under, inside my closets are off limits. Okay?

The other thing is that we just have too much stuff for the size of my house. I have too many living things in the house (4 people, 3 pets). The house is around 1000 sq ft. I do have a huge yard which totally makes up for it.... Okay, almost makes up for it. The remodel we did last summer has made a huge difference even though it didn't add a lot more square feet. It used to be just less than 1000, now we are officially over it.

At any rate I just need less stuff in my house or people who are willing to help and even clean up after themselves or the Clean Sweep Team or a team of maids or a magic gene. I am not sure which would be better.

But that is what I wish for.... What about you?

Summer's coming!

Oh and I might have gotten a new camera too. :)

Oy!

I'm fine! :) The "Sometimes" entry was suppose to be more of an almost poetic type of writing. Do I feel that way? Yeah a little bit. I mean I do get really lonely being a single woman. Last night I was feeling it a bit more than normal. But I have been thinking about the below piece for some time.

I actually feel pretty darn good about life. Things aren't exactly the way I want them. I miss Goofball more than I see him but when we do hang out, it is great. I have my babies too! I have a wonderful family. I have a job.... tomorrow, in fact, heading out to California for a week. No blogging for sure this week....

So yeah, sometimes I get sad and lonely and throw a pity party for one. Really? It is just an excuse to write!

I know I am lucky. Very lucky.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes I get so lonely that it actually hurts.
Sometimes I feel like I could just burst into tears from the pain.
Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the lonely.
Sometimes the pain of it is so overwhelming.
Sometimes I just wish it would go away.
Sometimes I run out of words because I just feel empty.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Yeah that pretty much sums it up! If it isn't one thing it is another. Usually it is my allergies in some form and I am almost 100% sure that I will have to find an allergist again. I haven't had to get shots for a long time. I just recently got an inhaler which I haven't had for at least 6 yrs, probably more.

I still battle fatigue and pains in my neck, back and shoulders. My doctor has said that is stress and yeah it is. I can tell because there are times when I have nothing to think about and I am pain free! It is soo nice.

And it is like a vicious circle because here is the thing... I know part of it is my weight but I don't feel good so I don't work out or eat right. I am tired all the time so I don't work out or eat right and because I don't do either I feel tired and feel crappy. Isn't that nice?

I mean I get it. I do but it is sooo hard to break that cycle.

However, I would like to report that I finally had a productive weekend. I finally felt good! All weekend. For two whole days! I got so much done!

And then today I am sore! and tired! and back to .... well my normal anyway. But also a bit different, why? because I feel good about all I got done that I overcame some of my "issues" and was able to do the things I have needed to for so long.

I am also doing Weight Watchers at work, taking the stairs to the 4th floor at work (and back down) and trying to take control of my life and health again.

I'm a planner so sue me!

I am a planner. I like routine and while I sometimes worry that I get in a rut.... well it isn't a rut exactly the way some people think. It is more like a depression or something missing feeling than a true rut.

Sooo anyway, I don't like to be in limbo, not knowing what tomorrow brings. No I can't tell the future and I don't expect to but as long as I have a plan, I feel safe. I usually have more than one plan for any given time. This helps keep my anxiety disorder under control.

For example, to go to the grocery store, I have to talk myself through the steps.... Where to park, then park, which door I am going to go in, where I will start, etc. I visualize each of these steps too, not just talking myself through it.... It is a very detailed process in my mind but it helps me to get through it. It is easier for me to go if I take one or more child with me. When I have to go alone, I actually have to force myself to go. It almost hurts to go sometimes. I tend to park in the same general area, go in the same door, walk the same path.

And it isn't just the grocery store. It is everywhere.

My days are like this too. If my mornings don't go just right, I have a hard time shaking it. I can barely keep my anxiety under control .... but I do. I do it almost everyday.

However, sometimes some thing will come along and shake everything I know. Just one situation and everything goes haywire. Something big, like my divorce, losing my job, financial issues.... like big ones, not just everyday ones. When those things happen, I can fall into my rut, depression, anxiety, just fall into myself and I can't climb out easily. I have to get my balance again, I have to steady myself and then put one foot in front of the other.

It might sound crazy. Maybe I am. I make it work most of the time but I just have to have a plan (or two or three... as back ups, just in case).

What's in a name? .... Everything!

The name of my blog is Single Mom Finding Herself. I started writing this about 3 yrs ago (actually in May it will be 3 yrs). I had tried two times before to start a blog but I couldn't find my niche, the thing that would make me want to write and make me stand out a bit.

At the time I was starting a journey of going from being a couple with children to being two separate people with children. He was moving 200+ miles away and I was going to school, looking for permanent work and trying hard to raise three children.... Oh and trying to date.... but first that would take sorting through what I had become and looking deep for the person I really was.

My marriage had nearly killed me. My soul was sold to that man in 1999 when I decided to not go through with the divorce then. That haunted me year after year. Until August 2004, when an old boyfriend came back into my life, only via emails and IM, but I was able to put some closure of hurt that I still carried from that relationship and break up. It made me strong and I knew what I had to do. It took months but I finally got my husband (now ex) to agree to let me come home and look for a job. I knew I wasn't going back and so did he. He likes to remember it differently and that is okay. We all have our own views on life... this is mine. I knew that by coming back here, I was going to get a divorce. Though I did try a few times that last year.... it was really over.

This is why I started my blog and Single Mom Finding Herself fit then and still fits now. It really describes me and to be honest I have thought a lot about starting a new blog to give myself a little anonymity. Many people know about this blog now, even though I haven't been as active lately, my name is still out there. There are things I want to write about that I would rather people that know me, not read. Why? I don't know. Everyone can have a few secrets, right?

Recently I was talking with M is for Misanthrope, as part of our conversation, she said how my name really holds true because I am still on a road of discovery. Okay, maybe not her exact words but ya know.... I think we are all doing that, everyday. We change and rediscovery something about our self everyday.

So my blog is here to stay. I do not have another blog. I do not plan to start another and the only way I would is if I took my name with me.... I will just follow my dad's long given advice of "Don't write anything you don't want someone to read."

Besides, if I don't keep up the blog, my book won't make as much sense!

No apologies

I am tired of apologizing for my lack of blogging, even if I am sorry and missing it, I will not apologize. Life happens.

So what has been happening? Kids stuff. Lots of work and I have been sick again. and just a few other things I am not ready to talk about or even wrap my brain around.... Ack!

Kids stuff.... My daughter has been talking to people all over the country. I can only HOPE they are truly people her age but I don't know and I can't be for sure so we (her father and I) have had to take some measures to protect her. He has her cell phone account so he has been monitoring her use and OH BOY does she use it! She ran up quite the bill recently. He has blocked several phone numbers of guys we know she is talking to. I deleted a game she plays which is where she has been "meeting" these guys and set some parental controls so I can view her activity and control the hours in which she uses the computer. I doubt she will have as much interest now that I deleted that.

In some ways I feel like a hypocrite because I have been "meeting" people online for about 7 yrs now but I am a grown-up, she is a child. While I still have to be careful and use common sense online, I do and I understand. She just doesn't have that common sense yet. She is a smart kid but in the name of being "cool" or having a "boyfriend".... she just won't think.

Soooo that is my child problems.

Work is work. I am burned out and need a new one. I have interviewed for a new position at my company but no news yet. Soooo..... just keeping my eyes open for new opportunities.

Sick? Yeah I think it is stress, lack of sleep and maybe a sinus infection. But the way I feel is a lot like I felt this past summer with the seizures. I really hope it is something easy. I don't want to have a ton of medical bills again. Ack!

That is my life right now.

To Shuttle Mom!!! and about my Bday

This is several days late but I did think of you on our Birthday! Happy Birthday to you! I hope you got spoiled and that you have a great year! (Thanks for the Bday wishes in the comments)

I had a great weekend and a great Bday. I took the kids to Target and they got me some gifts. They were soo cute about it. I parked myself in Starbuck's with a drink and a book (Jen Lancaster! Love her! If you haven't read her, get thyself to a book store pronto! I have my ex's wife reading them right now and she said her new hobby is to cyper-stalk Jen.... I said welcome to the club.... Wait, off point!) Anyway, K got me some new PJs, love them. H got me a picture frame and got my mom to take a picture of the three of them to put in it! Cute! and then my little L got me some shoes. And for a 6 yr old, he actually has good taste.

Then my parents made me a great Italian Dinner, got me a cake and gave me some things from Bath and Body works. Awesome.

I then took my bday off.... since it was Monday! and Goofball and I spent the day together. It was nice. Oh sooo nice!

Sooo I just have to say, it was a great way to start my 36th year.

Feeling better

Thank you for all the great support! I have taken it all to heart.

I had a chat with my most special friend tonight and she gave me the talk I needed. I appreciate her very much. She is one of my dearest friends and though we have been apart for a long time, it is only distance. She still knows me very, very well. And she isn't the type that tells me WHAT I want to hear but what I NEED to hear and I really love that about her. But sometimes what I want to hear is the hard stuff that is hard to swallow but I need it just the same.

She knows that I have times that I just get depressed and it has nothing to do with anything but my typical depression cycles and when that happens, I tend to magnify one or two problems to something huge... It isn't a big deal and I just need to remember that.

Ack! I hate depression! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

But I have a plan and she thinks it is good so we go from there... err, I go from there. :)

Thank you for listening (Reading)!!!

Thick skin/thin skin

I feel like I am a pretty strong person and I love myself very much. This wasn't always the case and while I feel this way most of the time, sometimes I allow myself to get down on myself and give into being weak. I think it is normal.

I also feel like I am fairly thick skinned, meaning I don't take things to heart when people talk bad about me or tell me I am wrong. Heck I know I am not perfect and I know what areas I could improve on. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be human and I wouldn't be me.

However, once I open my heart to you, be it family or friend, I get a very thin skin and can be hurt by you. I think this is also a normal part of being human. We have emotions and I don't think as a whole we were meant to be reclusive. I realize there are exceptations to ever rule but my point is we seek out people to be around and have in our life, and therefore we can open ourselves to being hurt.

Not sure where I was going with this.... Hmmm... Let's change direction a bit... I am trying to explain my recent absence a bit but it is very scrambled up.

I just feel like my life is spinning around me right now and I do not feel like fixing it at the moment. I might whine a bit or complain, heck I might even cry or worse get sick from it. But I know it is a moment in time and I know that I will get back to me. I call these times my depression moments. I am down in this hole, just looking up and watching, waiting for the skies to clear. I can only focus on one area in my life at a time when I am like this. It has to be work most of the time or else I can't support the family.

The house is the first thing that takes a back seat. Gosh I want my house clean but if I just hide in the hole for a bit, I can't see it. I am not a great housekeeper, never have been. I see the pet hair. I see the 100 glasses and the trash and the laundry.

I just want to pay someone else to do it who either 1. is good at it and/or 2. does a good job because it is their job. I don't care which just so long as I have a clean house and I am not the one doing it....

Cooking is not fun for me anymore either.... heck it wasn't, even before I climbed on down this hole. I used to enjoy it and I used to have pride in it, but I also worked a lot fewer hours and had people that actually appreciated my efforts. I do eat "bad" several times a week but for the most part, I do okay. I try to eat several veggies and some fruit in a day. I try to balance my carb intact and my proteins. I do drink one soda a day but I drink a lot of water. When I don't have a soda, I will drink one glass of milk or juice.... there are rare days I do both in one day (Sunday for example was a bad food day).... But truly I know what to eat, how to eat and how much. I know why I am overweight. Just right now, in this hole, it is not a priority.

And then I could complain about my kids. They do not help me around the house as much as I would like and they are somewhat disrespectful to me. I have tried many different things except for whatever works. Rewards, consequences, grounding, etc.... Doesn't matter to them. And I am sure if I had cameras in my house 24/7, I could see what it is I am doing wrong. I am a push over and I have some typical mommy guilt that causes me to reduce groundings and reward even when there is nothing to reward. I get it. But overall, I have good kids and they do know when to stop pushing back and just pick up.....

That is just a few of the things weighing heavy on my mind.... and it isn't even the big, huge elephant in the room problem that I can't seem to deal with. These are the fixable things at least. My big elephant is not at the moment fixable. Well really it is but I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation and the clock is ticking. And this is the one that keeps me hiding in this hole. This is one that if I decide to fix, it will get me out of the hole but do I want to?

I told myself several years ago that if I was ever unhappy with something in my life I would fix it. Be it a job, a relationship, myself, the house.... It didn't matter, I would take control and fix it. I vowed that life was too short to live it unhappy, yet what if the thing that brings you the most joy is also the thing destroying you day after day, week after week.... Then what?

So you see why I live with an elephant.

I don't want anyone reading into this what they think my problem might be that needs fixing. You could guess and guess, and you would be wrong.... and heck even if it were true, am I ready to admit it? No, not yet.

I don't really want someone to fix it for me either. I have to solve this problem. It is my problem.

It took me eight years to fix my last elephant sized problem and before that it was also years. I am a patient person but I also believe in taking risks. So just like I knew it was time to move back to Texas, end my marriage, quit a job I didn't like.... I will wait until I feel I am ready and only then can I walk away thinking, "No regrets! and What a ride!"

NASCAR is back!!!!

Today is the Daytona 500!!!! Wooohooo!

Of course L has a bday party to go to through most of it and I am sooo tempted to call them and say we can't make it. But *sigh*... I won't. I will just catch the beginning and end as well as record it on DVR just in case I miss something good!

I don't have any prediction and I have to admit I haven't kept up with the latest news on the drivers.... but I will now!

Good luck today boys! I am hoping for a good race!

Looking at the past to find myself

I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook. I originally joined for work as a networking thing and also to learn the ins and outs of it because I have teenagers and I need to know about these social networking sites.

For a long time I resisted looking for my high school classmates. I hated HS and was very socially immature back them. I remember so many embarrassing things that I did or said and I hate to think that people will remember that way. But there are many people that I truly do want to know how they are doing and others I have gotten in touch with through the years, and then lost touch.

Heck I don't even think I will be going to my 20th HS Reunion but it is still about 2 yrs away so who knows. Maybe by opening this door to my past I can mend some of the bridges, fix the fences and just in general get some closure on my past. I figured if people get a look at my life now and who I have became, they would also forget the way I used to be.

I do realize we all change from the people we were in HS. After all, it was 18 yrs ago and we were still children though trying to be adults. We went to college or to work, we have gotten married and some divorced. We have kids now and have responsibility that we just didn't have in HS.

I do like me now. I like me a lot. I think I am a good person, fun to be around and I know when enough is enough..... most of the time! I would be my friend if I were me. So maybe in a few years when it is time for our reunion and due to the fact that I have now opened that door, I might just go and I might just have fun!

Still around and kickin'

Hello all! I am still around, just busy with kids, work, Goofball and just life in general.

I am sorry for my absence and sorry for not visiting your blogs. I do miss you all and hope to find some time soon .... and really to get past this writer's block I feel.

I have this one thing on my mind that I just can't shake. I can't even form the thoughts in my mind to put the thoughts out there either written or verbal. It is kinda just the elephant in the room type of thing but in my brain.

Soooo I hope you will still love me enough to come visit when I finally get back to blogging more often but until then... I am just an email away.

His favorite things

My youngest is 6 years old. There is a big gap between him and the older two by nature not by design. He was treated much different than the older two because one I was an older parent and two I had more experience and three, he had these two older siblings to help spoil and entertain him.

He has also had to be more competitive to get attention and what his sees as his.

That being said, he inherited a lot of his brother's old toys. As H would outgrow them, L would get them.

But more than that, L has a different view on toys than H did. EVERYTHING, no joke, is L's fave. Even down to things he gets out of a Happy Meal or gum ball machine. He honestly plays with all his toys.

I have tried numerous times to go through his toys to clean out ones he doesn't play with but as I sort through, I find very few things that he just doesn't play with and usual it is because those few things are broken or something.

On one hand, I love this about him because he has such a great imagination that he can figure out how to make Fisher Price Little people, dinosaurs and Star Wars figures all interact in a way that makes sense. He amazes me!

However, after each birthday and each Christmas, I am finding it harder and harder to buy him things because we have just plain run out of room for his things. This year I tried telling him that Santa needed him to clean out his things to make room for new things. He agreed but we still had a really hard time and in the end, I didn't take out a thing that wasn't broken. Anything broken is out of here.

Does your child have one favorite things or is he/she like mine and loves everything?

In a rut?

Sometimes I feel like my life is in a rut. I do the same things everyday. I see the same people. I wear the same clothes. I have the same worries. I eat the same foods. My life doesn't change much. And most of the time I am okay with that.

But there are others times I get itchy, restless. Not ready to settle on what life has handed me. I want to take risks and step out of my comfort zone but....

For some reason I lose my nerve. I stay in my comfort zone. I keep doing the same things. I do try not to complain most of the time either because I know I did it. I know I am the one and only holding me back.

I guess this is one of those times that I miss having a partner next to me (girl or guy, just a friend to take risks with). I don't have a best friend, I don't have a sister and I don't have a spouse.... though this could easily be a role that Goofball could fill if time and schedules were not an issue for both of us. (and no I don't mean spouse, just partner in crime type of role).....

I need that moral support to help me get over my fears. Fears of what? Oh looking stupid! Falling down. Tripping over someone. All those things.

It is silly really but it is all part of my mental health (healthy and unhealthy)....

But honestly I have no idea how to fix it. So basically I am just whining for nothing right now.

Happy New Year!!!! 2009

I can't believe it is 2009!? Is that right? It used to seem such a long time ago. Wasn't it just yesterday we were all singing how we were going to party like it was 1999? And 1999 was ten years ago now. So now how are we suppose to party? Like it is 2019? 2029?

Well anyway, I can't say I am exactly sad to see 2008 end though. It wasn't really a bad year but it was pretty rough and at times I wasn't sure if I would ever get through the moments. After all, though, they are just moments in time and if we wait long enough and think positively, we will get through.

Easier said than done when you aren't sure where the money is going to come from or why your body is suddenly betraying you but still.

I have pushed past and kept my eye on the prize and now my life looks so much better or at least to me.

I sit now in my newly remodeled bedroom after showering in my new bathroom. I am getting ready to hop in my new car and take my three beautiful wonderful children to visit their grandparents and new Aunt and two new cousins. Afterwards, we will come home and hang out with Goofball this evening and no doubt we will be tackled by our 60 lb pup!

Yep, 2008 wasn't too bad but I am so looking forward to the surprises that await me everyday in this new year. And yes, I truly believe that everyday is a chance for a new surprise. Nothing special but just a beautiful sunset or a hug from my child or a special word from a friend or even finding a penny on the ground. Everyday can be that way if you look at it that way.... and this is actually how I think each morning.

But human is as human does, I do let other things get me down.... traffic, mean people, my ex or just worry in general. Worry that I can't protect my children. There are so many things that I have no power over and few I would even if I could. They have to experience some hurt in life, right? I do try to push those thoughts from my mind as much as possible though because if I worry about what could be or what might happen, then I might miss what is right now. Because that, my friends, is what life is about..... enjoying the here and now.....

I have heard that..... the past is the past, the future is the future, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

Enjoy it, my friends. Blessings and best wishes for a happy new year.