Blog Trip - Day 4 - Let's go shopping!

So it is day four! This Blog Trip is fun! (exhausting) but FUN! I know I have found some new blogs I will definitely be reading! and hope I have some new readers. For my regularly, we will be back from the trip soon and back to normal.

My town has some new shopping. It didn't have much of anything before that. We had to drive into Houston or over to Baybrook Mall (this is where I grew up shopping). But there were a few places around. Hidden Treasures for antiques. I have been in their old store in Pearland but not since they moved.

For clothes there is and has been for almost as long as I can remember a Palais Royal. I had never actually been there until a few months ago though. I don't know why. But they do have cute clothes!

We also have a new mall, just opened. It is an outdoor place and in the Texas heat, I am not sure what the developer was thinking but it is laid out nicely and has nice landscaping. There are great stores there too. I know that I will be spending some cash there come Christmas time! and I am always on the look out for great shoes.... okay great to me.

There is so much development that there will be tons of shopping! Something for everyone. So if you come on for a visit, I will take you shopping until you drop!

Blog Trip - Day 3 - Hungry?

Welcome back to day 3! I hope you are enjoying your trip.

One thing we do here is eat. There is no lack of a place to go. The only problem you may have is just making a decision. I know the guidelines were to just name a one or two of our faves but.... Well you will see!

We have everything from fast food to need a reservation to get in. Among the typicals, McDs, Burger King, Sonic, Whataburger, Subway, Quiznos.... I could go on with quick places like this.

But of the faster places, I would recommend though Panera's Bread for breakfast or lunch. If you don't know what it is, it is not a fast food in the sense of having a drive-thru but it is fast service usually. If you want something quick and simple for breakfast, it is a good place for some coffee and a muffin or good breakfast bread. Then for lunch you can't beat a half a sandwich with some soup.

We have a lot of Mexican or Tex-Mex places too. I like Juanito's which you will find on Walnut, just over Highway 35. It is good food, family owned and I like it! There is also Don Pico's, not great service but pretty good food. And then a newer place for us out here, Los Cucos. It is pretty good. I took Goofball here for his Bday not too long ago. There are more, several more but those are the ones I have been to.

Then we have Saltgrass Steakhouse, Joe's Crabshack, Fuddruckers, Jake's Grill, Olive Garden, Chili's, Red Lobster, TGIFridays, On the Border, Red Robin and BJ's Brewhouse.

We have an Ihop and soon we will have a Denny's. But for a good breakfast try, Busy Bee near the railroad track on 35. The reviews online aren't great but I have been eating there for years and years..... and years!!! It is good but the service changes with the times, sometimes slow, sometimes great. Food is always good, I have never had bad food there.

We are getting a Cracker Barrel too. My kids like that place, but I think it is mostly for the country store.

For a really nice dinner, go to Killen's Steakhouse. Call for a reservation because it is a small place! and if you didn't know and were just driving by, you probably wouldn't expect what you find when you eat there. It is the best food I think I have ever had. I have only been lucky enough to go once but OH.MY.GOSH! Goood.

For dessert, try Marble Slab. There are now a few locations. But my now favorite one is at Pearland Towncenter. They have cinnamon ice cream at that one! Yum! We also have Cold Stone Creamery and Baskins Robbins. Not my faves but we have them. There are also two places now that serve gelato. One is new and I haven't been there. It is at the new Pearland Towncenter and is called Paciugo Gelato. I can't find the other so I can't tell you the name.... It is near Jake's Grill so if you eat a great burger at Jake's then walk down a few stores to it, it isn't bad.

These are just a few of the places you would find if you came to visit me here in Pearland, Texas. Seriously just a few!!! And then if we head in any direction from here, there are tons and tons of other great places to eat. It is overwhelming to say the least. No wonder I can't make a decision.

I hope that fills you up, you have no excuse to leave here hungry but I hope you didn't overeat too much!

Blog Trip - Day 2 - How much is it to filler up!?

So welcome to Blog Trip day two! This post is about the price of gas.

Well with a hurricane in the Gulf this week (yesterday) and Labor Day just ending, gas has been a varying thing. But it is far lower than it has been this Summer.

Lately it has been between $3.30 and $3.60.... I know $.30 difference but what can I say. I live out in what used to be country and I drive into the big city often. Price can be hugely different street to street, corner to corner around here.

On every one's mind is how to save on gas. Well sadly I don't have a strategy for this. This summer I lost my mind so that helped because I wasn't driving as much. But, typically no strategy.

Our town isn't really set up well for walking or biking anywhere, no sidewalks or shoulders to do this. I would have to walk in the ditch or on the very overcrowded roads to do it. I would love to see this change as they start to work on the roads in the area. Even to walk to our neighborhood park, the sidewalk ends before you get there so kids, dogs and grown-ups are forced to walk on the road. Not such a bad thing unless you are walking said road and the idiots that don't realize that it is a neighborhood not Daytona International Speedway go speeding by. Or when you are driving the people that think they can walk 3-4 wide on the street so that cars can't drive by.... Well it just isn't made for foot traffic and motor vehicles to travel together. But I digress.

I have lived in areas that I walked everywhere. I walked to work. I walked to the store. I walked to the park. I walked. I walked. I walked. Now I don't live close enough to work to do that. The stores aren't close enough and like I said, no good infrastructure to do it either. And frankly I have gotten lazy too.... :) There I admit it!

There is no public transportation out of here that I can catch either, though up in the Big City there is so just getting up that way, you can park and catch rides to other destinations around the city. These are all things are little town gone big town is working on but I think they are spending too much time talking and less time doing. There was a huge population explosion over the past 10 yrs and development is out of control, people are struggling to catch up and get their minds wrapped around the change. Change happens people, get on board or get out of the way. (Did I say that out loud?)

Goofball wanted me to mention that we live about 22 miles apart so gas prices have an impact on seeing each other. I really thought it was more schedules and kids and stuff like that but yep, now that he mentions it, gas prices too. I think he said it costs like $7-ish each way. Not sure because I never thought about it. But I trust him..... :)

At any rate, that is the gas situation here in my town. I hope the lack of infrastructure doesn't deter you from visiting us. As you will see during the rest of this trip, there is a lot to see here!

Blog Trip - Day 1 - Welcome! This is me!

Today is day one of the blog trip. I hope you are here for it, or join in!! Day one is kind of an intro to who I am and what I am here for or really any thing I want to share about myself. Me, I think I will share my story.... I think I am also suppose to talk about my town but I am sorry, this is all about me!

Soooo me! 35 and a half (remember when the half used to be so important?).... I am a single mom to three lovely wonderful monsters that I love so much! K is 14 and just started high school.... 9th grade! H is 12 and is in 7th grade this year. L is my youngest at 6 yrs old (yes he has the same father as the older two... nature is a funny thing).... He is starting 1st grade.

We live just south of Houston, TX and have for 3 yrs. I am from here, joined the Navy, had my first two in Florida, moved to Virginia, move back to Texas and then to North Dakota and now back here. Shwooo, that is exhausting just thinking about.... 8 total places we lived in between all those states and that is counting from our first move from FL to VA in 1996 to our last move in 2005 from ND to TX. I hate moving but I am good at it.

I have been divorced for 2 yrs, separated for 3... Was married in total just short of 13 yrs. We both would tell you that it went on far longer than it should have. For me, I had my moment in 1998 but people tell you things like:

Marriage is hard. It takes work. Never give up. Keep trying. Everyone goes through phases like this.

But when is it okay to give up? Say I have tried enough, we just aren't good for each other. We do not make each other happy, etc? It was when I actually felt this way that I was able to say enough is enough. A good friend of mine (one of my PIMs) asked me something like, "If you are so unhappy, why do you stay?" or something like that.... I am not good with the word for word. It was then I said, "Enough." We were living in Fargo, ND at the time.

His story is I left for vacation and never came back. He says I called and just told him I wasn't coming back.... or something like that.

My story is that I was coming home for vacation AND to look for a job, if I found one, I wasn't coming home and we would all move back here.

The truth is somewhere in between that.... (three sides to every story afterall)

But he DID know I wasn't planning to come back when he said good bye the morning I hopped in the car with the three kids and as much as I could pack into it.

Then he moved here a few weeks after we moved in to this house. The plan was for him to find another place to live. 2 mths later, he was still here but hadn't unpacked. So one night I asked him, "Are you going to unpack here or move out like we planned?" He moved out.... Good boy.

The rest of the story goes really quickly.... He lived here, as in Houston, for another 7 mths. He then moved to Dallas/Ft. Worth area. He started dating someone as was I, he moved in with her and then almost immediately broke up.... He then meet a new girl and is now married to her.

I have been seeing the same guy for a very enjoyable 2-ish yrs.... Not sure where it is going and most of the time I don't care.... because I just enjoy him. Some of my best days are with him. I can't imagine life now without him. He is great and I am crazy about that man.

Well this is me. Single mom finding herself....

"Our Emotionally Disposable Culture"

This was the name of a blog on IHeartSingleparents.com that really caught my eye. It was written by a guy named Jordan (I hope he doesn't mind me using his name but just giving credit)

I have been reading a lot that he has written and I can't say I disagree with him on much of any of it. He is younger than me but in a lot of ways older because of his level of thinking. I always admire people like this..... the ones that make me think.

Anyway, I replied to him but wanted to write about it because it was so thought provoking that I can't stop thinking about it.

So here is how I took what he wrote: He was saying that our culture has become very disposable in thinking. We have plastic water bottles, but throw them out when they are empty, only to get a new one. The bags we take home from the store - disposable.

Then he said as single parents, (either by choice or not) are we showing our kids that relationships are disposable.... Okay sort of he said I'm really not trying to incite guilt, but to shine a light on the issue that people in general are too quick to change what doesn't fit perfectly.

Wow. That says a lot to me. I started to reply right away but the words didn't form up. So I clicked off and thought about it. Came back read it again. Clicked off.... and after a while I finally came back and replied to him.

My reply was that I hope that my actions do not show my children that relationships are disposable. My ex and I spent a long time trying to work it out. It was 1998 when I knew it had to end and that things with us would not be the same. 8 years later we were both finally able to walk away for good.

You often hear, "Don't give up." "Try and try and then try again".... things like that. (More on this to be published tomorrow)

I didn't give up for a long time. It wasn't something that either of us took lightly. We wanted to make it work as much for the kids as for each other and for all those that say "Marriage is hard."
But at some point you just have to admit that it is okay to walk away. It is okay to give up and it is okay to throw away so to speak. Not in the disposable way but in the "I tried my best but this is a no win situation" kinda way.....

For me, I didn't want my kids to think THAT type of relationship was okay to be in either. I would rather them learn to dispose of rather than sit in a very unhappy to the point of very mental ill relationship. Had I not got out at the point I did, I have no idea if I could be a productive member of society today. I might be locked up in a very soft room where I would mumble to myself in a completely made up world just happy because reality does not exist to me anymore.

Our relationship was very toxic. I am still unpacked and purging emotional baggage from it or finding pieces that still hurt. So are the kids. But each day we get better and the baggage and leftovers gets lighter and fewer.

They see me now, happier, healthier and not rushing into a relationship just for the sake of it. I hope that the choices I am making are showing them that relationships are not disposable. People are not disposable. Our emotions are not disposable.

As for plastic bags and bottles, well it is on my list of things for us to work on.

Recycle, reuse, reduce

An Award..... Coool!

Sooooo I got a blog award. I never get these things (okay one other time)....



Thanks Charlene! I would totally give it right back to you if I could.

So the rules are simple. I have to answer the following questions but just with one word each and then tag 7 people with the honor. Only 7 might be hard so I hope I don't make anyone feel left out. I love all the blogs I read!

So without further ado.... The questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? Here
2. Where is your significant other? Home
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? Home
5. Your father? Home
6. Your favorite thing? Kisses
7. Your dream last night? Vivid
8. Your dream/goal? Reachable
9. The room you're in? Messy
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Arms
14. What you're not? Anxious
15. One of your wish-list items? Everything
16. Where you grew up? Beach
17. The last thing you did? Write
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your TV? On
20. Your pet? Three
21. Your computer? Loved
22. Your mood? Amused
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? Orange
25. Something you're not wearing? Bra
26. Favorite store? Shoes
27. Your summer? Over
28. Love someone? Completely
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Minutes
31. Last time you cried? Daily

Soooooo peeps I tag.... Wow.... the difficult part. I want to give it to everyone that is in my blogroll.... Can I just do that? No?

Damn!

Okay here goes.....

Belinda/Shuttle Mom - you totally rock and I can't wait to meet you some day. I love reading your blog.

Karen - You know I love ya girl. I can't wait to get to the other side of the pond to meet you too! It must happen... I have known you too long.
Avonlea - Glad I started reading your blog again. I really enjoy it!
A Single Mom's life - I know you are busy but I just love what I have read on your blog. Can't wait for more.

how many is that??? Four? Okay....

Lisa - I am so glad I did that Fun Monday.... I really love your blog, all the pics, even if the bugs creep me out a bit.
Jen - Chaos is my middle name and ya know I love ya! so I have to hit you on this one. Can't wait until we can hang out again..... someday....

and last but certainly not least..... and the one I wasn't sure I should tag but I will.....
Trapped in Time - Cuz you know why. You rock.


Take the award, post your answers (don't worry if you can't tag others, it is just for fun!) and Have fun! Keep up the great work and know I *heart* your blog (or maybe just you!)

Lazy Saturday blogger

So I have been doing pretty good with writing stuff up and scheduling it to post. This way I have something for each day. I am not saying it is written last week or a month ago, but a few days or even the day before. Though somethings are ideas I had from a week ago, a month ago or longer.

Anyway, I am not prepared for Saturday.

I know, I know everyone is disappointed. I am very sorry. You came here with expectations of advice, wonderful stories and inspiration.

But instead you get my rambles at 1:00 am.

Instead of writing today (err, Friday) I went out with Goofball and had a good time. We just hung out and I really like that. I miss him like crazy all week so when I do get to see him, I don't really like being around a bunch of other people. I want some time to just reconnect with him. No outside distractions, just me and him.

It is good and bad. Good because we get that special time together, bad because well.... I don't know, we just never do anything so I know I wonder, "Is he disappointed?" He mentions it a lot but like tonight or hmm, last night (Friday), he said that he thought I would have expectations that we do something. Why, I asked? Because you are a woman. Yep but I don't have expectations of anything but some one on one time with you (him.)

My expectations were met and then some.

At any rate, I don't have anything really great to say for Saturday. No funny stories or words of wisdom, though I am working on it so check back! I need to sort through my notes, yes I keep notes of things I want to talk about, discuss and share. Writing has always been a passion for me and I really enjoy it even more now that I have people reading it. But sadly I got nothing for you....

So there you have it my nothing for Saturday.

Smooth moves and elevators

I am so cool but you knew that, right? Never mind, don't answer that.

Today I got to work all happy and kinda all in my head about what I had to do for the day. Got in the elevator and realized I hadn't turned my phone volume. I like to do that before I get to the office.

Soooo I am in the elevator, missing with my phone, then the doors open for my floor.... so I looked up (just straight in front of me).... I was looking at a guy's waist and in my shock, I looked up like a little kid looking up at a giant and was very obviously surprised by the VERY TALL MAN! He kinda nodded/smiled at me, like "Yeah thanks I get that a lot."

Very awesome.

I resisted the urge to look back to see if he could actually fit on the elevator!

You just can't take me anywhere. :)

Not about zombies

When have I ever written about zombies? Never. But that was the only title I could think of! Catchy?? Yeah, I thought so too!!!

But, this is about nightmares, night terrors and screaming during sleep, which can be just as scary as zombies.... well almost.

So we are having the house remodeled. My house is not big, maybe 1000 sq ft.... It is a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom and no garage, but it has a big yard and an understanding Landlord (my parents). Soooo we now have all my bedroom stuff in the living room. I have a new storage area but it isn't complete so all the stuff that needs to be stored there isn't.

My bed is now in the boys' room (yes it is large enough for a queen and two twins). My oldest son talks in his sleep. He also screams in his sleep! Nice.

So first night, I didn't bother to put a night light in there. They don't yet have a window in there so it is pitch black at night. I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. Yeah I tried, not just once and I giggled that I couldn't.... I amuse myself like that sometimes.

Well about the time I got in to the good sleep, I woke up screaming. Yeah I was screaming. Why? Cuz H was screaming. I do not know why, he says because he woke up and it was dark. But I am not sure if that was the initial reason. L woke up, "Mom, can I talk to you?" He was obviously upset. I told him to come over to my bed. We all went back to sleep.

Every night since then, H talks or screams or yells in his sleep. I don't understand why. Earlier he was yelling at the dog to stop doing something and then yelled for me to get the dog to stop. The dog was laying on the floor across from me fast asleep. But I just called back "Dog stop." Done deal.

He yelled out a bit later something about "Rabbits! Rabbits!" I am sure Mindy can relate!

Which leads me to the not about zombies. He doesn't seem to be dreaming about scary stuff that you would think a child would be afraid of.... at least not in the traditional sense anyway.

My concern is why is he having these dreams or night terrors or nightmares? He has had them since he was a bitty little thing. I remember when he was about 2, he was dreaming but at that time it was scary. Snakes, or the way he used to say it "Nakes!" He didn't even wake up. I just held him and he calmed down.

I have talked to doctors, counselors, etc. Can't figure it.

At any rate, I have to sleep in there for at least a month. Wish me luck!!

Wordless Wednesday with a little sand

Why I do Wordless Wednesday.....

I recently asked a good friend who also happens to be an amazing and popular blogger for some advice. She mentioned that she does not participate in things like "Wordless Wednesday" and others as she has too much to say.... Yes and she rocks at it!

But, I got to thinking about this. Wordless Wednesday doesn't necessarily mean that I am not saying anything about myself, my world, life etc. Each week that I have done Wordless Wednesday I have thought long and hard about what picture to share from my life. Like last week when I posted a picture of our massive amounts of school supplies! It is a good thing I got so many, btw.

Anyway, I really enjoy seeing the Wordless Wednesday posts. I really feel like I get a glimpse of your life when you post a picture.... I also love abstract pictures or landscape or animals or anything! New or old. I love them all.

I would like to start "collecting" posts for Wordless Wednesday. I would like any that wants to do this, to post a comment saying that you have a Wordless Wednesday post to share. I will post a list for everyone to go and see all the great pictures!

What do you think? I just hope all the traffic I got today will carry over to tomorrow so people get the word.

I'll start working on a badge for it.... Can you advertise it for me on your blog too?

Even if you don't want to be on the list, I would love to see your Wordless posts. :)

Texas Independence Day..... or Fun Monday

So this week's Fun Monday is brought to you by Mama Drama.

The details of the assignment are can be found at their place but the question is....

What funny trivial fact do you remember that you probably should have forgotten a long time ago?

So with this in mind, here goes mine. Not sure that it is EXACTLY what they are looking for BUT.... I was born on Texas Independence day which also just happens to be Sam Houston's birthday too. Being a Texan I thought that this was awesome! Then to find out I was related to one of the Captains that fought in the battle that won Texas its independence from Mexico.

I know this might seem silly to some but I have always remembered the dates, I mean it was easy to remember, but I guess the silly part to me was that I feel a like a proud Texan to share this day with the Republic of Texas and Sam Houston.

The Summer of Unfortunate Events

This summer was like one unfortunate event after another but mostly just all health related. I am not planning to name all the bad.

Really, spending a little more time and better quality of time with Goofball was probably the ONLY thing that went as planned but even that was a little off this summer at times.... I doubt he would deny it. This was mostly me. I was much grumpier than usual.

It was suppose to be the summer that I take care of myself and get some things done that I wanted to do, many projects not done. I feel like I pretty much slept the summer away. I was soo sick from about Mid-June until .... well really just this past week. I finally feel human again.

It was such a long, hard battle to get here. I thought I was losing my mind and to be honest I thought about just giving up.... No, no not on life but just on being plugged into life/reality. I thought about letting the ex have the kids, me turning into a bum and just checking out of reality...maybe even getting a few more cats and a couple more dogs and maybe a snake. A crazy lady should have at least one snake.

But somewhere in my mind a voice was screaming, "NO, you aren't like that. This is not you. You aren't going to give up."

I am glad I didn't because this was all temporary caused by medication. I am finally going back to work on Monday, the kids are back and start school on Monday as well. Also, I didn't mess up with Goofball so that is good. I would be lost without him at this point. I am crazy for that boy.

Now let's just hope I can get back to work and not have screwed up too badly there.

And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So if your doc wants to start you on something that you don't know much about, research it, research it, research it and ask a lot of questions. I wish I would have questioned more, spoke up more but I have NEVER had that kind of reaction to a med before.

Anywho, wish me luck!! I am nervous and excited.

Staying insanely sane

Something to keep you insanely sane. You may have read this somewhere like your inbox forwarded by your friend that ONLY emails you with forward this or you will cause the end of the World emails. I got this off of IHeartSingleParents.com (Single parent? Come join us!)

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks . Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Marijuana"

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go" (I will just add that I worked in fast food for over 2 yrs, and people do this but I think they forget they are IN THEIR CARS.... seriously)

9. Move your desk in to the elevator and when the doors open to let someone on, ask if they have an appointment.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"

12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

13. Take your TV outside.

14. Cut out photos and paste them on Popsicle sticks and give a puppet show to the person on the other side of your cube wall.

15. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.

What I miss the most

Pillow talk. You know the moments just before falling asleep or even the first moments in the morning, when you can just share some moments with your partner. Intimate moments of whispers in the dark, soft touches and gentle kisses. Great conversations with or without words, because sometimes there is no need for words as touches can do the same.

This makes my nights feel long. I often take forever to get to sleep. I stare endlessly at the other side of the bed. I try to spread out more to take up some of the empty space. I flip to my other side so I can't see the emptiness to my right.

Then I do fall asleep only to wake later upset and shaken by a dream. I desperately look for comfort but find the bed is still empty, as I knew it would be but in my frightened and confused state between reality and dream, I still hope to find someone there to comfort me. To put a strong, loving arm around me and pull me close, whisper that it was just a dream and that I was safe. I could then drift back to sleep.

Only that isn't what I get. Instead I toss and turn for another 30 minutes or so. I may get up and check the locks, just once more. Stumble to the bathroom and then to the kitchen.... maybe some cool water.

Then morning comes. I always linger in bed a little too long. I really crave that special morning time, sometimes more than the lonely nights. The good morning hellos, special kisses and maybe a wish for a good day.

This thing I miss, this pillow talk and intimate sharing, it will be in my future, I know it will but it is years away. I can wait.... I can but it still makes the night's long and the mornings not so cheery.

In the meantime, I look forward to good night wishes and good morning hellos via electronic form.

And there are always the kids.... we do share some special moments, snuggled in bed and I do truly enjoy those too because someday I will be writing how I miss those moments too.

Back to School - Wordless Wednesday

My prized possesion

So yesterday was Fun Monday around the blogosphere. I keep hoping to hop in there one of these weeks!


Anyway so Lisa was the host. She asked folks to pose a question to their readers. Mindy at Mama Drama asked a great question! If she could see everything we owned, what might she like for herself? Check out her post.


I had to really think. What could she possibly want in my house? I like my shoes but they surely can't live up to Mindy standards! She has the best shoes. I have a Wii but she doesn't strike me as a Wii or video game person.


I have tons of toys, and by me, I mean the kids. They are EVERYWHERE! This is just a few shots of them.... Yes that one is in my bathroom.




Family photos? Maybe. The painting my grandfather painted? Nay it has a broken frame right now. My Navy memorabilia? Could be. (Most is packed away though).....




I thought.... and thought.... and thought....


Finally I answered that she might like my special Teddy Bear. Treasure was a gift to me from an Aunt and Uncle when my first of two younger brothers was born in 1975. She quickly became my best friend. She seemed so big to me when I was a child. She would hide me from monsters in the closest or under the bed. She made the hurt go away when I cut my finger off or had my tonsils out. She was there when I needed someone to listen and not talk. She kept all my secrets.



She has been with me through everything, slept on with me until K was born (seriously), then just slept on my bed during the day and next to my bed at night.



She has caught so many of my tears and shared my joys. I wish I had the pictures of her next to me just about every Christmas morning. The Christmas I got my first camera, she was happy to smile for me and let me practice.



Now she just hangs out on my dresser, ready for me and wearing one of K's dresses from babyhood. She is the reason I love teddy bears and why I have a huge collections of them. K's nickname from me is K---Bear, yes for that reason.



I can't even remember how or when she got her name. Was it when I was 2-ish yrs old? Was I older? Did I have help?



Well all I know is she is a treasure to me and I will have her for my whole life. I hope once I am gone (I want to be cremated so no burying her with me).... I hope my kids will keep her to remember me by, and hopefully pass her down to their kids.... if she makes it that long, that is.


Do you have one? Do your kids? Please feel free to leave it in the comments or share on your blog! (leave a comment with link to your blog, if you do)

Late Fun Monday - Assignment Aug 18

So I decided way late to do the Fun Monday assignment for this week! It is hosted by Lisa .

Here is the assignment: What is one thing you would like to ask your readers? Come up with a question to pose to your visitors and throw it out there on Monday. As we’re all visiting each other’s Fun Monday posts we should answer the various questions we come across.


My question is: if you could go back to 13 yr old you, what would you say to yourself?

Photo Contest

Aimee at Greeblemonkey is an amazing photographer. I am a wannabe. She is launching a new monthly contest. Click banner above to visit the announcement, to find out how YOU TO can enter and see the others!

Here is my entry into the Greeblepix contest!

L at the beach.... This is just one in a series.
I love the beach.

..... and the rest was History....

So 2 yrs ago, I finally got to meet Goofball. We had been talking for close to 2 mths until we were ready and able to meet. Schedules being what they were, both parents, etc.... Ya know the drill. Plus no rushing this thing, right?

My honest first thought when I saw him.... "Wow, he is hot!"..... my second thought, "Well I guess this will be it, no way he will want to see me after this." Don't get me wrong, I really think I am cute and pretty BUT I am also overweight.... My ex couldn't stand it so why would this "stranger".... Right? Plus it was just a history of the guys I had dated or tried to/wanted to date. No fat chicks.

Anyway, two years later, I couldn't be happier with my life. I am sooo glad that he didn't say good bye to me (or ignored me after, like some losers do). We took things slow and it was perfect. Those first 6-8 mths were hard on me though because I just kept waiting for him to walk. He didn't and hasn't.... and trust me I have tried to push it a little bit. Not too much just a little. "OH for sure he is going to walk now." Nope. Either he is like me and is a gluten for punishment or else, he really does like me.

I also had pretty low self-esteem back then too. I didn't show him but I was pretty neurotic about this whole thing.... "Does he like me.... Does he not like me..... Does he like me.... " Those poor flowers. My friends were like "Shut up already."..... But finally, I got in to a comfortable place with this. I just chilled and enjoyed....

So to Goofball, I am so crazy about you. I appreciate you so much. You have been so awesome to me. Treating me so special and yes I know, you think it is the way I should be treated but not everyone would agree with you. I just like to tell you. I just enjoy each day for what it is and really try to fight that "What will the future be like" thing that us girls do. (don't deny it ladies, we all do it.... at least to a point). Anyway, sweetie, thanks for the memories and I look forward to many, many more.

A mother's plea..... The Baby

Great! So Goofball thinks I am raising a wuss. Niiiccceee.

He says one reason is because I call my youngest "Baby." Well damn he is my baby, what can I say? Right? He just is the youngest and therefore is called the baby. But hey, I call my other ones baby sometimes too. In fact, K just fussed at me because she said she can never tell who I am talking to. I called the dog baby and K answered, I said No, the dog.... see the confusion....

Anyway....

I know that he needs male role models in his life, since his dad is only in it once in a while. I try to get him around good, positive male role models as much as possible.

Also, I honestly don't baby him as much as I used to either. He is doing things for himself that I used to do for him. So we are getting there.

Yet, I just have to say, I am doing the best I can. I won't be having any more children,and I am finally starting to accept that fact, so please let me morn that in my own way. Please let me relish his "babyness" as long as he will let me. He has already grown-up way faster than my older two. He crawled at 5 mths old. He was running by a year old. He has been trying to be 8 and 6 yrs older than himself since birth.

Please, please don't make me feel bad about how I am raising my children. I already question my every move like I am being followed by a camera crew and every child rearing expert.

He will grow up into a fine man, I am sure of that. He is a great kid. There is NOTHING wrong with him. Nothing.

He is just "The Baby."

And then I just have to pass the mic over to Mr. Blake Shelton to tell the rest of the story for me..... Blake is a hottie! but I like him better with his short hair more than this long.




**** Most of this is written in teasing, sarcasm....

Working hard on my blog

I have been reading, searching, reading, searching to find new things that I can use to make this blog bigger, better and get me some more traffic.

I ran across this on Problogger.com. I just found this website and I have a little crush on it now. It rocks. It is like the best of everything I have been wanting to/needing to know all rolled into one easy to read website.

Anyway, the link above says, basically, that only 1% of readers comment (give or take). Wow. That makes sense, since my number per day is much higher than my comments.

My biggest hits are Voodoo Doll Curse and What makes a man sexy.... Interesting. These weren't even that well written nor popular when I wrote them but a lot of people are searching for this. (Also single mom fingering herself or mom fingering herself..... Hmmm, yeah that isn't on this blog but thanks for stopping by....) But anyway these topics are highly searched for.

With that in mind, I am actively working on driving more traffic here but I know that just getting them here is only part of the battle, I need to write better and on more interesting topics. I need something to keep them here. I need to learn what those things are.

But what do I have to do, read on....

I do have a niche which is something people are looking for. Not just random crap. But when they come here, I need them to know what they will find. Not like Voodoo curses, that has nothing to do with being a Single Mom or dating or raising kids, ex husband and a new stepmom. These are the things I need to focus the most on. However, I think adding things that interest me, catch my attention or in other ways shape who I am, can be interesting and need to be added every once in a while. I think this just helps my readers and friends learn more about me. I'm totally like an onion. I have many layers. I add a little flavor to your life and I can sometimes make ya cry. (okay maybe not that last one)

But what else do I need to do, read on.....

I have openly admitted I need to let the inside voice out. This is forthcoming as I work behind the scenes on some ideas and tweak my writing. In addition, I also need to work on my writing style, which I think has evolved a lot since I started but still needs some work, like writing more with my inside voice and working on my vocabulary. I have thought about rewriting/republishing a few things from my past that I thought were good but I didn't really have the readers back then. I am not so arrogant that I think that people go back too often in archives.

The other thing I am working on is a new blog design and layout. Something a bit more me! Something that screams "Single Mom Finding Herself!" I just don't know how long it will take to get it together.... I still need to learn just HOW to do that.

And, last but not least, I have also read that I need to identify what my goals are with blogging.... Well besides finding myself, sharing my struggles with raising three kids, dating and depression/anxiety, my other main goal is to make a little money. I will be adding some more ads. I realize this can make it look crowded and almost seem like a push to click here, click here, click here! but I am hoping that I will add items and products of interest to most so maybe we can help each other out, especially with the holidays coming, maybe some ads about shopping can help. I know I shop online! It saves a lot of time and even money.

If you have a tip for me or ideas on how I can make this blog better, I would love to hear those! Or if you have any words of encouragement, leave me a comment. Thanks!

Are you special?

Have you had that one special person in your life? You know the one that made a big splash when he/she landed in it? Maybe you look at that time as a turning point, when your life would never be the same.... You would forever carry a piece of that person with you, even when they aren't in it anymore.

and then.....

Some day you are walking down the street just minding your own business when all of a sudden bricks fall from the sky..... okay it just feels like it.... but this person pops in your head. You stop and wonder how they are? Where they are? Why are they not in your life anymore?

And maybe....

They never knew how they changed your life, touched your life and turned everything around for you. They didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary. They were just themselves. They might just shrug it off if you told them how much they inspired you, helped mold you, changed you and saved you from yourself.

And if you are lucky, you may have more than one person in your life kinda like this. I have and yes, I totally believe you can have several turning points or "Aha" type of moments in your life. Life is both too short and too long. We meet so many people as we go. Some for just moments, think the cashier at the grocery store, maybe he or she is there working for a year or two. This isn't someone you are close to but they are indirectly part of your life. Maybe there is someone who you have watched from afar, a co-worker or neighbor that has shown strength in a bad situation. Or think of someone you have known for a long time, maybe even someone that comes in and out at different moments. I have a few friends like this. One I have know since 5th grade. She and I touch base randomly, it works for us somehow. If you think of this, we can meet so many people that can shape us.

But it is the really special people that we don't forget. They touched us so deeply and will forever be in our hearts.

Did you have someone like that or do you now?

My inside voice

No not the one I use while indoors nor voices in my head, but secret thoughts, weird thoughts, even potentially intelligent thoughts! Things I never or rarely say to people in real life.

There are so many awesome bloggers who can let their inside voice out. And again, things an indoor voice is not... Not really personal thoughts, deep secrets and skeletons in the closest type of posts, that would be "blogging naked." That I have done.

However, what I mean is those thoughts that seem too morbid or too insane to let out in normal life. But with blogs, you can do it and others use their inside voice to comment. They don't judge or at least if they do it is different somehow.

Not to leave anyone out but one great example of a blogger that can do this is The Bloggess aka as Jenny. She rocks. She is the type of person that you meet and just know she is awesome but then she writes and you KNOW she is awesome. I have had the honor of meeting her.... She is everything you would imagine you to be, like Mother Teresa, only better. No really!

I want to/need to do this but I just keep holding back. There are reasons I guess I don't. I sometimes believe I truly am crazy but that doesn't seem like a reason not to, just a really good reason to do plus I would have great material, right?

But, I guess I don't want to be judged because people have told me I am crazy and meant it, not in a good way. I was so emotional beaten in my marriage that I just want to surround myself with people that tell me how great I am. But there are ways to say I am crazy but make me feel good about it.

So what to do, what to do?

I know the answer. Really I do.

Looking at my goals for this blog and me, I am trying to get more traffic to my blog and trying to write a book. To make these two efforts successful, I must/have to open up and let that inside voice out. People like that. I will also have to really focus (or refocus or whatever) on what this blog is about: being single, being a mom, balancing work and family and also dating.... but I also want to do more. I want to write about all the crazy things I think of or some of my beliefs without getting all "You will believe this too!" on you. Cuz that ain't me!

Soooo stay tuned.... and if you are new or haven't commented, please, please, please (don't make me beg) do it! so I know you are out there! My numbers have slowly been going up and I want to keep them going up!up!UP!

Wordless Wednesday.....

Just take a guess? (okay not completely wordless)

That didn't take long.....

We are already having fights, whining and drama, and I am losing it. I just hate fighting of any kind. I really hate when I get upset.... when I get upset, it makes me more upset THAT I am upset. Yeah, see I am that crazy.

I am ready for life to get back to normal: school, work and house, so that maybe we won't get on each other's nervous quite so much. But I still don't fell quite normal yet.

Also I forgot how expensive the kids are! We have cooked at home about half the time but I haven't had a chance to get to the store. Plus I have had a house full of workers so it has been easier to sneak out during the time they are here. I tried to cook with them here and we just get in each other's way... I bought most of the school supplies but I had to go get a few more things.... even on sale they are expensive. Ack!

Anyway, we are doing well. Getting back in the groove... sort of.... but it is just good to have them all home!

Yesterday!

I got my babies back yesterday. Wooooohoooooo!!!!! I am so happy to have them back. There are a few things that make me sad about this summer but it is over and I got them home so it doesn't matter anymore.

I am hoping that next year will be a shorter visit. Maybe they can do two shorter visits during the summer, rather than one long one. But while I say that now, we will see what happens before it is time to make that decision.

At any rate, I feel complete again. And L, came home with two wiggly teeth! Coooool. His first.

So just going enjoy the moments.....

Back to school

As a mom to school-aged kids, my year isn't really based on the calendar (Jan - Dec). Nope, my year is run by the school's calendar. This year we start back on Aug 25th.

So in the spirit of back to school, let's sing! (I couldn't find a good video of the actually opening scene so this one is the song with just various clips... )




I have been a mom to a schoolager for a long time now. K start Kindergarten in the Fall of 1999. This year I will have a 9th grader (yikes!), a 7th grader (double yikes) and a 1st grader (triple yikes, time flies).

As I was thinking about ideas for my back to school thread, I was sent an email asking if I would consider posting some links to Readers Digest articles about back to school. First of all, he complimented my blog! Thanks. I like compliments! ha, ha. But also, I personally have always liked RD and used to read it regularly.... Then I looked through most of the articles, I think these are really good tips for any mom! I know I will be reading and putting some of these tips and other information to use this year. Especially the article about Home School Connection. We need a better schedule/routine.

So check'em out. Good stuff.


Homemade school supplies

Back-to-School Fun With Food

Back to School Safety Tips

Back-to-School 101

Back-to-School Checklist

Smart Back-to-School Health Solutions

School supplies Checklist

School lunchbox recipes

9 School Sports Injuries and Prevention Tips

Home School Connection


Oh and my own personal tip, buy extra supplies right now while they are on sale and everywhere! Right around January and about 5 mins before we are walking out the door (late, again, of course), someone needs colored pencils or a ruler or even a pencil and can I find one in the house??? NO!

I also admit, I don't make lunches. They all buy at school. It really does save me money in the long run (and time, stress and I don't get the not ham and cheese again!)

At any rate, a pet peeve and safety thingy here.... please be aware of when schools in your area start and then WATCH the speed limit, WATCH for kids and just be safe.

Too much time on my hands or....

I have been watching a lot of television but I just lovey this commercial.

Oh and yes, I am still on medical leave from work. We can't figure it out and by we, I mean the doctors. I had some more blood drawn today. Getting a 24hr EEG on Thursday/Friday. Gotta see my counselor again. Need to get a MRI and also need to contact a new doc about pain management. Also need to fit in another trip to both my primary care and the neurologist.... all before the 25th.... or there about....

Waaayyyyy toooo cute!!

I thought this was way too cute not to share. Someone posted this on a dog lover's group I recently joined. Make sure you have sound on or else this won't make sense!!

What is perfect?

This past week I caught some of the Dr. Phil show. The topic was Perfectionist Mothers. I am not here to talk about Dr. Phil or debate liking him/not because I realize you either love him or hate him. Personally I love him. He doesn't claim (in my opinion) to be the answer but just to give people that common sense/wake up moment they need. He seems to offer his guests resources to help them after the show.... of course I don't know as I am not part of the show and I haven't been on it. But I can see why people might not like him.

Anyway, back on point. I can't remember if it was Dr. Phil or one of the guests but someone said something about not everyone or everything can be perfect. My thought to that was, "But why can't things be perfect for each of us?" Meaning why can't things be perfect for us.... not perfect in the "nothing goes wrong" way but perfect in the "this is just what I wanted" way, or at least most of the time.

Like if you go shopping and you find an outfit. No wait, not just any outfit but THE outfit. The one that when you put it on you just are so feeling it. Yes, this is the one. This is the perfect color for me, the perfect fit. But think about this, that same outfit might not be perfect for the person in the next dressing room. She might be trying the exact same thing on, yet she thinks, "No way. This just isn't right. The color is wrong and I don't think this fits well either." She may go through two or three more outfits before she says, "Yes this is perfect."

That is what I think perfect is. It is something different for each person. Perfect is just that. What we think is perfect for us. There is no right or wrong perfect.... it just is.

So even though it doesn't seem perfect to everyone, I think my life is pretty darn close to it. Yes, I truly, truly believe this. I have great people in my life. I have great things in my life, and goings on in my life. This is why I truly believe whatever this health problem is with me now, it is not depression and it is not anxiety. Though I do believe everyone is so focused on the anxiety part because this health issue seems to be causing the anxiety to surface, not the other way around. I am feeling sooo crazy with whatever it is. Yet I can still see how good my life is. I feel crazy and good at the same time. Perfect and wrong. Complete and empty. Light and dark....

And, I just want to enjoy my perfect life with all its imperfections. Don't you?

Feeling like a whiny baby!

and hating it! But I can't help it right now. I feel like crap! and I just want to lay down.

I have noticed my mood lately is either a big cry baby or I am pissed as hell. I am like mood swinging queen right now. I hate it! I hate it! I double hate it! (or maybe that is triple)

I feel like I am seriously fighting with myself. I keep thinking I should write about it (maybe a short story), call it the turmoil of a brain, or something cheesy like that. Maybe about how I can "hear" myself, the self I feel I am, in there somewhere but just barely because I have crazy me and angry me and wrapped up in herself me all fighting. And just so many other things that don't make sense.

I told my dad last night something like, "Well if you could hear what is going on in my head, you would know I am crazy." and I really believe that I am losing my mind.

And everyone keeps giving me well meant advise but what I need is for myself to get stronger and quiet the rest of the emotions and feelings in my head. Not so that I don't feel but so that I feel like me again. I know it will take some time, some rest and a lot of sorting it out as well as a lot of support, or at least as much as I can get.... Some people seem to be supporting me from as far away as possible. Some people just seem hell bent on keeping me down. And I am sure there are many more who are the same place as me.... "What can I do to help?" the answer..... I don't know.

If you got this far and still want to be my friend, woohoo! I will make you cookies or maybe a homemade ice cream sandwich. Or at least I will really appreciate it.... Thanks.

What is that sound?!?!

oh it is just the sound of construction!!!!! Yes! My remodel is FINALLY under way. I will try to post some before/after pics later and along the way.

I am soooo excited for it to be starting now. I know it will be a tough few months as they work on it but the end result is going to be AWESOME!!!!!

Stay tuned.

Happy Birthday to you....

I hope it is great!

To Goofball

I am crazy about you....

Ya gotta have standards!!!

Call me shallow. Call me crazy BUT I think you have to have some standards when dating. Also I mean, hello there are millions of people in the world, how do you narrow it down?

I have certain "rules" or standards if you will about dating. I have tried to steer clear of dating guys with the same names as my dad or brothers or any of my cousins or uncles that I am close to. For the most part this has worked. I have dated a few with the same names and Goofball has the same name as one of my cousins but I am not as close to that cousin so it is okay.

Then since all women no matter what they say think about marriage (just that some are at different stages, but trust me guys to some degree ALL women think about it in some form.... I do but I also know I am not ready.... Not for years.... but I do hope some day in my future).... Anyway that was a bit off point.

This clip from Scrubs cracks me up because for one.... it is totally funny but two.... Well just watch it!




At any rate, that is another rule, ya gotta think about the last name because just in case, some day it could be yours. Right?

Then there are the preferences.... Me? I used to only be attracted to guys with blue eyes. Why? Because I wanted children with blue eyes. Well I have my children.... Then there is body type, I prefer that the guy be taller than me, at least just enough so I can wear heels sometimes. I am short so it isn't usually a problem. I like a guy with a nice chest, nice hands and a nice voice. Just some of the things that attract me.

But, I think the biggest and best advise I can give to women out there dating, just have standards and have low expectations as to where each relationship will go. Just me, you will be far less disappointed. Just enjoy each moment for that moment and try not to think about the future! (Yes again, marriage, I know! just don't start picking on rings and china patterns, okay?)

I just have been thinking that it seems like dating is harder or in our face more, what with all the online dating sites, reality shows to help people find love and all the talk shows about love, dating and relationships. Then what about all the books and hey blogs! I think it doesn't have to be so hard. Just know what you want, have standards, and keep your expectations low.... easy peezy lemon squeezy!

I miss my babies!!!!!

and tonight reality hit me hard in the heart. I just want them back, safe with me. I feel stupid, betrayed and lied to. I feel used and abused. I feel like I am back in that very controlling relationship where I can't do anything to help my children.

With the remodel starting this week, I can't bring them home yet. With construction people going to be coming in and out during the day, they can't be home alone. School starts at the end of August..... but even then, the remodel will still be going on. There is no good time right now.

I am just so sad. So miserable and feeling so stuck. I miss them. I hate hearing their sad voices and the tone of their voices is changed. I keep asking them "Are you okay?" They typically say yes but tonight a lot of the stuff came pouring out (separately). I told them they would be home soon and I missed and loved them.

It really just breaks the heart and turns on the mommy bear instinct. I want to tear someone up for the way they are treated. This is why I wanted a divorce but also why I stayed so long. I felt like I could "control" more of the behavior and support them more if I was in the same house. Now I am just at a loss. They are just too far for me to help them.

OMG.... I am going to cry. I am going to scream. I am going to throw things.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

Good news, bad news

Okay so the bad news first.... I didn't get the new position but that is okay because really it is good news, in a way. I got really great feedback and was told that I interviewed great so really what more can I do. Nothing. Just try for another one later. When it is right, it will be right. I would love to just advance within my current department and/or develop my current position into more. Sooo in the end, I feel good.... so is this really bad news??

Anyway, the good news, the remodel is going to start next week!!!!! Hurray!!!! Of course I could turn this into bad news because ack, 2-3 mths of construction in my house. The kids will be back in a few weeks so we won't really even be half way through it. So in the end, is this good news? Yes! because soon I will have a brand new bedroom, bathroom, kitchen floor, roof and the boys' room will be done much nicer.

In other news, I am crazy for a guy. A very special guy. I call him Goofball. I can't wait to see him again soon.

Update and stuff

Hello. Thanks for the well wishes. I am feeling much better and we have a solution for now. We are going to take me off the Cymbalta (wean me off, not cold turkey, YIKES). We believe that I am having some of the more serious side effects. And while I know Wikipedia isn't always viewed as a credible source, I find this article very accurate in knowing many of the symptoms I have been having....

Anyway, I started taking 30 mg today and will continue this for a week and then no more.

Still no word on the job. Still not sure when the remodel will start. Not sure when I get my babies back. I have no idea on much, do I?

So that is that. Hopefully I will have some good blog entries posted soon. I have tons of notes and half things written, just haven't felt up to posting.

Health issues....

So for several weeks or so, I have been having some weird symptoms. But then on Thursday I started having seizures or ticks, I guess. I am not sure. The docs are calling them seizures or seizure-like. Thursday I was taken by ambulance to the ER but most of that was not just the seizure activity, I was so scared I had an anxiety attack with it.

Then on Friday I had these episodes almost continuously from 8:30 am until 1:00 pm. They were me out but I wasn't as scared about it. Not that I am not worried but at least not scared.

Soooo no answers but a lot of tests so far. I have a few more appointments this coming week so hopefully I will get an answer soon.

Exactly how I feel! (Writer's Block)

This is exactly how I feel right now with my writer's block. (BTW - Jen Lancaster ROCKS. Love her writing style) It isn't that the words aren't there, but I keep finding other things that get in the way of my just sitting my ass down and writing.

I went to Goofball's on Sunday and I got a ton of good writing done. None since. Durnit!

I think part of my problem is that I want it to be perfect the first time which logically I know isn't the case. That is why there are editors or I can be my own editor.... Sorta. I mean I would need a real one too but.... Ya know. Right?

Oh and did I not mention I was writing a book?? I have been inspired and really want to get my story down. Will anyone read it? Will anyone care? I don't know but I still want to write it out.

Anywho, writer's block.... it sucks.

So what's going on?

I am glad you asked. There seems to be a lot going on in my life right now.

The house remodel is a go-go! The contractor is working on getting the permits so we can start. I doubt it will be done before the kiddos get back but hopefully a large part of it is.

Then on Wednesday I interviewed for a new position at work. It just kind of happened! I wasn't even looking for a new one yet. At my company they are all about career development and encourage movement to new positions sooooo typically you don't stay in a position more than 18 mths - 2 yrs.... After 2 yrs, you should be looking and posting for a new position.

Anyway, I feel good about the interview. I did the best I could and that is all I can do. I know if I were to get the job, I would do a great job but if I don't, cool. I will just keep looking.... at least now I will. Because I realized I am ready to move on or up or over.... I want something different.


Well and really I guess that is it. I thought it was more. The more is really just unanswered questions and thoughts in my mind, I guess. There is a lot of projects/events and things going on at work too. I have an event on Monday, Tuesday and then the following Monday.... and I think on Thursday as well, the 17th?

Sooooo anyway, that's me. Just living the best I can. Enjoying time with Goofball. Enjoying time with my pup. Enjoying my quiet time and trying to rest a lot before the kiddos get back in about 5 weeks.... Wow!

July 3, 2008

I have been a bit quiet lately. There has just been so much going on! Stuff I will try to blog about soon, but today is a special day. Today my ex got remarried to a wonderful lady. I have told her that I couldn't have picked a better step mom for my kids. She has said she will take care of them and keep communication open with me. We have a very special relationship and now that seems to have become more special.

I know it may seem weird to many but I think this is the best case scenario for us and I actually love it. I am very happy that I did reach out to her and start the friendship because it really has given so much back to me. She is amazing with my children. Us having a friendship has really helped my children too. K is far less dramatic and stressed over the divorce and the new people her parents' life's.

As hard as it was at first to see him so happy with someone else and to see someone else just full to bursting with love for him, I put that aside for my kids and I have been surprised that I am reaping some many benefits from it as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish them the best and hope many, many years of happiness for them.

Will I still hold some resentment over his "freedom" and ability to move on so quickly, and the fact he lives so far away and so many things? Yes I might but I feel it is normal to feel that way. I feel that way less often than I once did and now it is only when something major happens and I just really need that extra parent to be there. But I am getting through it and I know that my kids respect me for it. They know who is here everyday and that means a lot to me.

In fact today I asked my daughter to be strong, after all she is my daughter. She said I know, we are strong. and I just grinned and thought, yes ma'am we are.

The big birthday week

This week my oldest and youngest celebrate their bdays!!!! She will be 14 and he will be 6. Wow! When did this happen? They are getting so grown and I have no more babies. Though K did tell me when she was about 3 that she would always be my baby, no matter how old she was. Aw thanks baby.

It makes me a bit sad that they are away from me but..... that sounds whiny but not meant to be. I know that I am blessed to have them and I will have them back in just a few weeks (okay more like 5-6)....

Soooo Happy birthday to my two babies! I miss you very much (all three of you) and can't wait to see you all again soon. I hope you each have a great day. Maybe next year I will be able to kiss you both good morning on your special day!

Patience is my middle name

Most people think it is Jean but no, it is patience. I often joke that if I were a doctor I would be rich (patients - patience)..... Cheesy I know.

Anyway, I waited 8 years to get a divorce. I knew for 8 years it was over.... and yet I was patient and waited until the time was right.

I waited for far too long to get my new car. I was patiently waiting again, for the right time.

I waited months and 5 dates for a first kiss. I waited for several more months after that to admit to myself I was in love and then more than a year it took me to admit it to him. Again, the time had to be right....

I waited for the right time to get a dog. To go back to school. To get the right job. To buy a Wii.

I wait. I wait. I wait.

I do this with everything. I say I want to take risks but do I? No. I wait and hope and wish and talk and dream about things but I don't make them happen. I sometimes wish I had a little cricket to help me make decisions.

At any rate, I am patiently waiting for what is to come next thing. What is it? I don't know but I can be patient. I can wait.

After all, it is my name.....

Up, down and all around

My mood that is. One minute I'm up, one down and the next somewhere in between. I swear I have been on some emotional roller coaster and it sucks. Why oh why?

It is driving me crazy and actually hurting me physically. I feel insane. I hate this. Hate it!

I feel like crying. I hate crying. I mean don't get me wrong it is normal and natural but I still hate it. It is useless to cry for nothing you can fix or control.... but I guess it helps get the emotions out but still.....

I know I am not insane but it just feels that way.

I know I will feel better, how? when?

Having it all?

I realized something tonight but before I get to that let me tell you the back story on it.

I talked to the kiddos tonight and they were telling me about their dad and stepmom's new house. It is like "nana and grandpa's house".... That is wow to me. My parents live in a very upscale neighborhood and there house is very typical of the style right now. Two story, about 3000 sq ft, 4 bedrooms 2 and 1/2 bath, etc. Right? Except the ex's house has a game room too. Alrighty then.

So I was thinking about "Wow, well I guess they have it all." I then called my aunt to chat. She is my single mom role model even though she is now remarried but my cousin was grown before she got remarried and in fact, he walked her down the aisle. Anyway, so I was talking to her about how the ex now seems to have "this life" and have it all. She said, "yeah but is that really what you want?"

Hmmm? No, actually it really isn't what I want. I mean yeah I wouldn't turn down a new house, hello! I am not an idiot but wow. I am really not ready for that.

So what I thought of is just because he now has his soon-to-be new wife, new house, new car, two incomes and currently the kiddos. It is kinda like "The American Dream" so to speak, right? Isn't that what we grow up thinking the American Dream was about. Having all those things?

Well why does that have to be "having it all" to everyone. I feel like I actually do have it all, in many ways. I have more than many people so they may say I have it all. And ya know what, I feel like I do.

I mean I do have my kids most of the year for the good and the bad. I have a good job with a great company. I have a new car which I worked really hard to get and will never take for granted. I have support of my parents and other family members. I have my pup and my cats to snuggle with when I am sad. I have Goofball to make me laugh and tell me I am pretty even when I don't feel like I am. So I really do have it all, right? Just in my own way and own reality.

Sooo that is what I realized today. I am happy with my life and happy that I have it all. Is there more I want? Sure, a little more money, a little more house, a little less worry over paying bills, world peace and a vacation. But, I am content.

She freakin' rocks!!!!

The kids went to stay with dad and the soon-to-be stepmom.... who to make this shorter will be referred to as either SM or stepmom because she almost is and it is shorter.

Anyway so I get an email this morning from her. She gives me an update on how the kids are doing and what they have all been up to. She took L to the library and got him a ton of books. He loves books but needs practice with his reading. So they are working on a reading log. Love her! Then she found out about a teen program at the library. Last night was creative writing and she took K up there. She said that she was proud of K for going because it was a big step to go somewhere new. K loves writing and I am sure she loved it! On Saturday there is a teen girls thing for a few hours of watching movies, girl talk and eating junk food. How fun!!!

Then she was going to take the kids swimming. She said the kids like the new house and haven't fought as much as they did in the apartment.

Anyway, I am so glad that I reached out to her to form this friendship as strange as it may be to some. It is really a good thing and she is awesome. It is also making it a little easier to be away from the kids this summer. I know what they are doing and I know that she is keeping them busy, and truly cares for them.

Milk and cookies

Nothing fixes problems quite like milk and warm cookies right out of the oven! Not to mention it is almost bed time. I know I will sleep good tonight!!!!

I am still feeling overwhelming, confused and like I screwed up which is stupid but I still feel that way.

I am mostly drained. I need him to hold me and tell me that things will be okay. He has become such an important person in my life and someone I just can't imagine giving up or losing.

But I don't regret the words I said or how I feel. Life is just too short not to share feelings with someone so that is why I said it. I haven't lost a lot of people in my life yet. Some that I did lose, I know or at least hope they know what they meant to me. I tell my kids a lot. In my family, we didn't grow up saying "I love you." but I do try to say it to my parents and grandmothers. I want to say it more but it is hard. With all the kids, I can. My nieces and nephews should all know how I feel about them.

But, I digress that isn't what this is about. What this is about is that I am starting to feel a bit better and I am sure I will continue to feel better as time goes by. I know how he feels about me and honestly that is all I expect or want from him. I understood the situation going into it and I still understand. I am not asking him to change and know he can't/won't. I like him so that's good!!! I wouldn't know what to do if he did change... ha, ha.... I am not trying to pressure him into anything else either.

So anyway, if you are down and feeling blue, bake some cookies and get some milk. It is comforting just like home.

Overwhelmed

I had a bit of a rough night and just need someone to talk to about it..... but then I don't want to talk about it either. It is too overwhelming and I actually rarely cry though I joke about it often.... I did cry a lot.

And, no nothing to do with the kids, not the ex, not work, nothing like that.

No what happened is something that isn't really bad but it feels like it. Something I thought I wouldn't do again, something I haven't felt in years and really never like this.

What is it that has me all tied in knots, crying my eyes out and just feeling horrible??

Oh just that I let myself fall in love but worse than that, I admitted it out loud to him knowing he didn't and can't return those feelings.... and before you all start saying mean things, its difficult. I understood going in and I took a risk, isn't that what all this is about anyway? Taking a leap of faith, taking risks and potentially getting hurt?

Anyway saying it out loud was what was overwhelming, letting myself actually feel it is overwhelming, knowing that he can't return those thoughts is overwhelming.... He does in his own way have some feelings for me and I understand that too.

I'll just enjoy what it is. I am glad that I said it, I just wasn't ready for the flood of emotion it would let out. I have been in love before or at least what I thought was love. This is different and I hope that he will accept that but know that I am not pressuring him for more than he is able and/or ready to give me. I just enjoy being with him and hope that I give him a little something to distract from his reality.

*sigh*

Dale Jr wins!!! Losing streak over

He won!!!!!!! Woooohooo!!!!! He is awesome and I am soooo excited for him!!!!

Rock on, Dale Jr! You are awesome (and hot!).

Happy Father's Day to all the dads

Wishing you all a great day.

..... and they are gone......

I have been pretty quiet the last several days because I have been trying to get the kiddos ready to go with their dad for the summer. Well today was the day!

I have a mix of feelings over it. Happy to sad to lost to scared and everywhere in between.

One thing that has me a little scared is how things are changing. See their dad and his girlfriend .... they are getting married this summer. We just told the kids today. K is pretty upset but I know she likes her. But K says she doesn't want a stepmom.

I like her myself and told her I couldn't have picked a better stepmom for my kids. She really is great. We have been talking for weeks and I have been giving her more of an idea of who my kids are. I don't think their dad really knows them anymore.... at least not like I do.

Not to mention they are a very cute couple and much, MUCH better suited to each other than he and I ever were so I am so thrilled for them (mostly her).

I guess we will see how they do after another long stay with them. Last summer they came back a bit of a mess so I hope they do better this year. The only thing I DON'T want to happen is for L to lose his first tooth with them. Silly I know but I am with him almost all year and I want to be there for his milestones..... I feel like I have earned and it is what I signed up for! The ex chose to move rather than be here for the day to day stuff. I'll deal of course but still....

Soooo my plan is just to chill out a lot. Have some quiet and downtime. I also want to spend some quality time with Goofball.... I am crazy about that man.

Enjoy your summer all!

And he swims!

L had swim lessons the summer before last but because of the custody agreement, he is now with his dad during the summer. There are a few places here that offer year around swim lessons but mostly it is summer when they are offered.

Anywho so he has really not had a lot of practice and has been using a floaty ring. But this Spring I started trying to get him out of the ring. He is nearly six.

Well today we went to my parents' so the kids could swim and play with their cousins. L started out in the ring, then just walking around in the swallow end (he is tall enough to walk around about half the pool). Then he started putting his face in to the water, then most of his head, then all of his head and then he was actually going all the way under several inches. Then he was pushing off the bottom and gliding a little.

Then he got even more brave and started jumping into the pool. First with the floaty ring but after a couple of jumps, the rings was completely forgotten. He was jumping and jumping and actually going under water. He was having fun.

Soon he was back to practicing his gliding and before long was adding arms and legs.

He was SWIMMING!!!! I am soooo proud.

The Birthday Party

So L's bday is this month but not until later in the month; however, since the kids will be with their dad for his bday and because I wanted to make sure his friends could come, I had it today!

I can't believe he is going to be six in a few months. 6, six, 6!!! When did that happen, this is my baby, my youngest.... and my last. I have really tried to enjoy each moment of it because I feel like the other two just grew up way too fast and he is following in that trend.

While, yes, I feel at times I take him (them) for granted. I do try to slow down and enjoy them all. And yes they do drive me crazy at times but never to the point that I can't get over it after a little downtime.

Anyway, back to the Bday party. He had a blast, I had a blast, my mom had a blast! Everyone did. We had it at a local pizza kid place and not the one with the mouse (or is he a rat?).... It was perfect. We had a room, a host, she played games with the kids. I brought a cake. They ate pizza, they had cake, presents were given and opened. Then we let them go to the game room to play. I drove a go-cart! I played air hockey with L and then my mom! The kids all played a ton of games and got lots of tickets.

I am so glad that I did it there! I am thrilled that it went well. Tons of great pics, tons of fun memories. Overall, good day.

Despite my happy....

My house is giving me twitches. It is TRASHED! It is one thing about the summer and not having the kids that I am looking forward to.... Having a CLEAN house! Does that make me a bad mom? Nope but they might think so. Other parents might understand and we could compare stories.

My daughter just came in here and I pointed to "hot spots"..... She shrugged and walked out. Probably sorry she came in.

My room used to be JUST MY ROOM! Now it seems like the kids are starting to take over, oh plus I now share the room with a dog. The most spoiled dog in the world! He has way too many toys. It is like Toys R Us for dogs around here. But it keeps him busy and we have had few (knock on wood) accidents.

My new couch is completely covered in crap.... End of the school year crap. Ya know, all that stuff from the lockers and desks that has just been there are year waiting for this moment. Half of erasers, teeny tiny pencils, wrappers from cereal bars that really could go in the trash but somehow just didn't make it, graded papers, ungraded papers that never made it to the teacher's desk, etc, etc, etc..... One cushion is off of the couch as well. Okay? Then how many people actually live in this house? 4! So why are there like 50 cups, plates and bowls all over. It looks like the morning after a Frat party.

So anyway, I sit here blogging instead of cleaning and not only am I sitting here blogging instead of cleaning, I am whining and complaining about my messy house instead of doing something about it.

Well ya know what I always say:

"If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem."

Happiness is a smiling dog!

I soooo wish I could have gotten a picture of Cowboy playing today! He was grinning the biggest grin. He was having a blast! We took him to the dog park and then to the kid park where there is a water park like thing. It is like sprinklers. He was just running and bouncing and grinning and just having a blast thinking he was a kid!

The dog park is an experience like nothing else in the world! Some people should not take their dogs to the dog park or maybe they should have started MUCH sooner so the dog gets used to it and how to act. My dog loves it and is friendly without being TOO friendly! and if he were a little kid, he would be running and giggling, yelling "Look at me! Mommy! Look at me!"

My kids had a blast too. I am so glad I got off my butt and took them all up there. And, see this is the meat of my post today. I am happy. I am truly happy for the first time in a long time. Oh don't get me wrong I haven't been miserable for a long time but I haven't felt this good about things in a long time.

I have been on a new med for about a month now and it has been GREAT! It is suppose to help with both my depression/anxiety issues and also my pain from my neck and back. Bingo! It worked for both. Treating one was so not working but now, awesome! I am actually happy. It is such a foreign concept to me.

I am more relaxed, in general, though the kids were pushing me on Sunday but that's okay, Goofball got me to relax after a bit. He always makes me smile, even when I don't want to.

But anyway, I have a lot going for me too, so not only do I feel G.R.E.A.T! I have a lot of great things going on. My kids, my favorite guy, my job, my NEW car, my special, special puppy and just so many things.

Anyway, just had to share the happiness with everyone! And yes, dogs do smile.