September 9

September 9 is always a special day for me. I talked about it here last year too. It was a point in my life that changed the rest of it.

To back up, in May 1992, I was out of high school and had just spent the last year in community college and working full-time at Burger King. I wanted to move out on my own but couldn't afford it, wanted to get out of my life so to speak. I felt like I was at a cross roads. I didn't feel like I could go forward, I definitely couldn't go back. I needed to do something big, life changing and then the recruiter called. I think they have ESP or something.

So I signed on up and my date was picked..... I don't remember my original date because that summer my dad's only sister had a liver transplant and I asked to push my date back so that I could be with my family a little bit longer.

Fine. September 9, 1992 it was.

It was a life changing decision. It was a life changing experience.

And, if you know me, making decisions is not easy for me and especially not something this huge!

I'm glad I did it. Sometimes wish I wouldn't have gotten out. It was a good decision at the time for me and my kids. My life wouldn't be what it is now, had I stayed in. Rather than play the "What if" game, I just enjoy what I have.

Fighting, fighting and more fighting

I can't stand fighting. I hate it. I don't like doing it and I hate it being around me.

My kids fight more than any people I know. It wears me out. I am actually physical ill right now over the fighting. Each day, each week, each month as they get older, it gets worse and worse.

There is a lot of frustration with the age gaps. K&H are 19 months apart, L is 6/12 and 8 yrs younger than the other two....Not planned it just happens. The older two are competitive thanks to their father (yes, seriously). I know a lot of exes will blame things on the other but ask the kids too. He used to compare them with each other when disciplining them. "H why did you do that? K would have never done that, would you K?" Seriously a conversation that was had all the time when they were growing up. It drove me crazy. There was other things like this. With friends, grades, toys, clothes. He could turn everything into comparing them and he did it in front of them. It was usually H being the scapegoat if you will and yet this kid turns to the dad every time something happens.

L as just always tried to keep up with them. He is so far behind and right now he is at an age that he can almost do things but still a little physically and verbally behind. He is getting there slowly.

So today for example. I'm asleep. L and H were awake. L comes and asks me if he could eat some pepperonis that we had. I think I mumbled "Whatever".... he turned to H and said that means yes. H said no it doesn't and then they started arguing. But at least left my room to do it. Next thing I hear is L yelling out in pain and crying. I get up and L is doubled over holding his stomach. He is 100 pounds lighter and almost 7 years younger than H. So of course I ask H what happened and he starts in, "you always blame me!" and so then we start fighting.

I walk off because well 1 I had to pee and 2 I wanted to put my glasses on so I could see! (I can't see without my glasses.)

I come back and H is on the phone with his dad. WTF?! I didn't even have a chance to talk to them both. Yes both because I know L is just as much to blame for the fighting.

I'm pissed. I'm seeing red pissed. Now wait don't get me wrong, he has every right in the World to talk to his dad. I just feel like dad gets to be the good guy and I have to be the bad guy. I guess I signed up for this but .... wait a minute! He did too when we become parents. When we decided we would have unprotected sex so we could have a baby...... both being naive not really thinking it would happen the very first time.... but I'm just sayin', he had a commitment same as me. And where is he? 4-5 hours away. See he gets to be the fun dad, that sees them a few times a year and for a long visit in the summer. He gets to telephone parent. Be the Popsicle Dad.

But, I made a commitment to these kids, these people that I will be here for them. I will be here when they are sick. When they need to talk, need a hug, need school supplies or money or a ride somewhere. I get all the hugs and kisses and "I love you"s.....

If it means I have to endure more fighting to have all the other things, I will do it. I just need to vent sometimes because I soooo can't stand fighting. :)

Quote of the Day

I haven't done one of these in a while.... Enjoy.

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

The long weekend and a sick day

I had a nice long weekend. I love my job because I get every other Friday off. This past Friday was my day off. So four day weekend. Whoohooo......

I spent it doing just what I wanted, sort of. Friday was great. Got to spend time with Goofball. Some much needed sex time that is. Gawd I needed that! That's all I will say.

Then napped. Nice deep sleep that one can only have after great sex. Then Friday night took the kids out for dinner. Had a big smile even when Logan was throwing a fit. He is still adjusting to all day without a nap. Takes after his mom.

Then Saturday, I have no idea what we did but before I knew it it was the afternoon and I had done nothing. It was actually kinda nice but also stressful because I had so much to do.

I went to visit my grandmother (mom's mom) who was staying at their house pet sitting while my parents were in Colorado visiting my baby brother and his family. They got some gooood pictures of the boys. Anyway, so visited my grandmother. Showed her the presentation I am working on for my parents' 35 anniversary. She liked it but we started talking about pictures she had. So I called my Aunt and I ended up over there. I got a huge bag full of pictures.

Then on Sunday, got up made breakfast for the kids. They loved it. Then I scanned pictures all day, and cropped, resized, rotated, etc all the pictures and worked on the presentation all day.

Goofball came by and we went out. I was kinda in a weird mood by then. I was looking through family pictures all day and it was weird because there were pictures of my cousin. He committed suicide when he was 15. I think I was around 17 years old at the time. Nobody really talks about him and it is makes me sad. But, Goofball is always fun to hang out with so I was snapped out of it and then I was focusing on not ripping all his clothes off.

Monday I got up and made another good breakfast for the kiddos. Two days in one weekend, they couldn't believe it. Worked some MORE on the presentation.... It takes a long time. My parents were back so we all went to lunch. Then I ended up back over at their house so I could steal the new pictures from Colorado. My nephews are soooo cute! I can't wait to see them again. I would love to get out to Colorado this year.

Anyway, then we just ran errands the rest of the day.

Sometime right before bed H started puking everywhere and I just had a bad feeling. He was up and down all night. Some time in the very early morning, I had a really bad feeling, but it was my stomach. Thankfully no puking for me, just feeling like I could. Sooooo I called in to work. My co-worker sounded annoyed but sorry, I will be no good running back and forth to the restroom for the false alarms. Plus I have zero energy.

So that is my weekend. Good and bad.... at least its a short week!

Busy, busy, busy

I have been sooo busy doing..... I don't know. Just back to school stuff. Work. Working on my parents presentation and hanging out with Goofball.

And, too busy to even blog that today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce being final. Wow what a great year! This time last year I felt like I was really coming back to life so to speak. I was so tense and so nervous and had little self-esteem. But I was brave and I was strong.

In the Summer of 2005, I packed up my kiddos and loaded the car and then drove from Fargo to Omaha to pick up my dad for the drive home. I really wasn't sure what the plan was. I told the ex I was just going on vacation but I did say I would look for a job. If I found one I was staying and if I didn't, I would go back to Fargo. At the time I wasn't sure would I file or would I try to make it work. I just knew I needed to do something big. I needed to find myself and make myself happy for a change.

I got married young to someone I really didn't know. I had a baby pretty quickly after and then another.... I was lost somewhere in the shuffle of figuring out how to be a mom and a wife.

I hit rock bottom once we moved to Fargo. I was isolated from my family and my comfort zone. At least I had my "girls." This is a group of ladies I meet online. If they were not out there in cyper space for, I would have lost it completely in Fargo. I loved Fargo itself but this is when a bad marriage got worse.

I started to see a therapist and he helped me to get control. Helped me take baby steps, get me back.

He would be so proud. I just know he would be.

And, ya know I am proud too.

By the way, the kids are loving being back in school. Okay maybe not loving it but they aren't bored all day. L is in Kindergarten and is adjusting to not having a nap. H is in 6th and had a little tough few days but by Friday was in the groove. K was really upset at first too. None of her friends were in any of her classes but I think she is feeling better now.

Back to school Tomorrow

Well it is that time of year again. It just amazes me how I can check off another year just like that (snap)..... If you have school-aged children, years are not always run by the calendar but by the school year.

My babies are going in to 8th grade, 6th grade and surprise of all surprises, shock of all shocks.... Kindergarten. All three will be in school, all school-agers. Wow.

When did my babies grow up? When did they change into these people?

Ah well, I love it just the same because I get to be here. I get to watch them everyday and see how much they change and grow. I feel really lucky and blessed by that.

But back to school time does come with some stress....

We have been getting them all ready. Most years it has been fairly easy to get them ready. The school has provided pre-packaged school supplies. Not this year. I have been to 7 places and STILL cannot get all the things they need. Blah! I will have to send them tomorrow without everything. Oh well. Can't be helped and by the looks of many of the other shoppers, they will be doing the same.

See on Friday, there was a small group of us that kept running into each other at the different stores. I would see the parents looking much like I felt and we would half smile at each other with that silent understanding. "This sucks ass."

And, today, the day before, I still need clothes! In this district they have standardized dress code. This just means polo shirts and khakis. No big deal but the fact that I still haven't finished has me a bit on edge.

To make matters worse, Sunday is half way over and we are still in pajamas with no effort to get ready. I have piles of laundry to wash, school supplies to label and sort, and I'm running out of time. Surprisingly, though my words sounds stressed, I actually feel somewhat at peace with this. There is just something good about being lazy especially before a big day.

But, tomorrow will come and another year will start to tick by, before I know it I will be another empty nester. I can't even think that far ahead yet.

For now, I will be happy to have them back in school. I won't be getting phone calls all day because they just can't get along. I will be once again helping with homework, projects and cutting my work day short to run kids around to activities and friends' houses.

This is my life and I am really trying to enjoy the moments. Because after all, they are just moments in time.

Noise, Messy house and empty frig....

Ah the kids are definitely back and I remember why I needed the break! :)

My house is always noisy. More noise than I can take some nights. Not just the kiddos though, but me too. I seem to yell a bit toooooo much. Ack! But, read on....

When I get home after working about 10 hours going crazy busy from start to finish putting my heart and soul into my job because I love it!, I get home and the house is like.... nothing I have ever seen. It is disgusting some days (like today!). Now I realize they are home all day because school hasn't started but stilllllllll.................

I just went to the grocery store like less than a week ago. I have no food! Already! Okay that isn't completely true but I can see empty space in the frig and pantry again. Big.Empty.Spaces.

I wouldn't change this for the world!!!!

Stuff about the ex, kids and the summer

I just need to talk this out a bit as it has been bothering me a lot.

So since the kids have come back from their dad's, they have been telling me various stories about their summer. Most of it doesn't bother me or sound out of the ordinary. But there are little things that have me a bit .... I don't know...... bothered.....

One story that is bothering me is that one day K was really grumpy and ignoring her dad (she was upset with him and his girlfriend). So the ex told the boys that they could kick her..... so I guess she was hiding in the closest and the boys were kicking her. Hmm, WTF!?

All of them are talking about being overweight, which yeah true for at least one of them, BUT L is only 5.... and not overweight! Why should he have to hear that? And, I would never, ever, never tell my kids they were fat. I have just talked about better choices, getting exercise. He had them weigh in every week. Not completely a negative but you can't tell me that is positive either.

Then I guess the girlfriend slept over most nights. It is a one-bedroom apartment and the boys slept in the ex's room with him and the girlfriend.... They were on air mattresses. Now it doesn't bother me so much that he had his girlfriend around the kids, but what does bother me about it is that he hadn't dated her long before the kids came, maybe just a couple of weeks. She went to his parents' with them all too.... for two weeks. I don't know, just something about the situation bothers me. I am hoping it is just some jealously because that I can get over, but I can't help but feel it is just a bad situation. Read on....

When the kids were there for spring break, he introduced him to his last girlfriend and while they were with him, he asked her to marry him. They liked her kids and her nephew, who K still talks to. Well three weeks after the kids left, they split up and he moved back to his apartment. That was mid-April..... Then the next time they go to visit him, he has a new girlfriend? I don't know. Maybe I am just jealous.

I have introduced them to Goofball, but not for months and months after we started dating. I don't want to just bring random people around them. But, I guess what works for me and what I am comfortable with isn't what is comfortable for the ex. It just bothers me that he doesn't see them often and then when he does have them, he can't just put his girlfriends off for just a short time. Okay 2 months is a long time but still.... Did he have to see her everyday? Did she have to go with them to the grandparents'? Did she have to do everything with them? Did she really have to sleep over? Have dinner every night? Again, I am probably just jealous but something is still just nagging me about it....

There are other things like yelling at L for having an accident. Making them eat over towels. Threating to spank them if the apartment was even the least bit messy. They said if even one toy was out when he got home, he would go nuts (I completely believe it as he was like that here). Most of the summer, they were alone a lot because I guess the girlfriend had trouble controlling them and she was asked to babysit them. Also once he was stuck in traffic and decided to drive off the road, up a hill (like by an overpass) and around the traffic. What the.....? How is that safe? And, leaving them alone at the pool! when L can just barely swim! Telling K to lie about her age while she is watching the boys at the pool so the ex knew it was wrong to leave them like that, yet he still did it!

And, while none of these things alone really bother me (okay the safety ones do bother me), it is all of them that just grate my nerves.

I know I am not perfect. I know I have trouble controlling them sometimes but I really try to protect them, be a good mom. Everything I do in life, I am thinking about them. I mess up... but I don't know.... I just don't know.

I guess I am just jealous. Why? Not sure.... but that is the only conclusion I can come up with why these things are bothering me.

Feels weird....

I am home on a Sunday night. Actually I was for the last 2 weeks but tonight is a little different. Goofball is going out and I'm not going with him. It was my choice not to go but it still feels a bit weird.

Oh background, he gets out of the house on Sunday nights. Before the summer, I would go out and meet him most Sundays. Over the summer with the kiddos gone, we went out together for all of them.

Tonight I could get out. Tonight he is out and yet I decided not to go because I have a thing for guy time. He deserves it! He works really hard all week and really deserves to just be free.

So, Goofball, I hope you have (had) fun and yes I do want you to miss me a teeny, tiny bit but not enough not to enjoy yourself. (which I'm sure will NOT be a problem!) I do miss you.

No more sexual frustrations....

At least for tonight.

So Goofball and I were able to get together tonight. It was sort of an anniversary. One year ago on this date, we got to meet for the first time. Call it our "Meet-n-Greet-iversary" (Ha, ha, actually thought of that over dinner but missed the opportunity to say it then!)......

Last year was my Friday off so we met over milkshakes after chatting online for almost 2 months. It was a really nice meet and greet. He seemed nice and well the rest is history as they say.

We went to dinner, ice cream (of course!) and sex. Niiicee. The last was a surprise thing we hadn't planned on. But, oh so good and oh so needed.

So anyway, it was a great night and the sexual frustration is lessened. Thanks, Goofball.

Blogging Naked

As requested by Jenny at Mama Drama. Though I'm not sure she wanted a whole blog entry dedicated just to this idea probably just a link to one entry that I had already written. Well since I'm not really great at following directions, at least not word for word, I wrote this.

The idea of blogging naked is to be completely open, talking about your deepest, darkest secrets or things you might not want the world to know. I mean this is the Internet after all. Anyone can read this.

I am pretty open and do not hide much. Also, I feel I have blogged naked before, in the figurative form only, of course. Any other way, I wouldn't tell! Just use your imagination.

The most recent is this one about my childhood. Now I have no regrets about posting this. None whatsoever, but I would feel a bit of guilt if anyone in my family saw it, read it and was upset by it. It is not meant to hurt but to heal me. It is history. It is done. It has made me me. I like me. But, this is something did also happened to my family. They suffered too. I just wonder do they have the same types of scars and fears that I have. Maybe not but I am sure they have some.

Then I shared my emotional meltdown. It was a bad day but reading it again today, I wonder was I really that stressed because it just doesn't come through to me. At any rate, I felt exposed, vulnerable. At the moment I wrote it, I was really weak, broken and upset.

Well and at one point I discussed my sex life and likes/dislikes....

My "failed" marriage.... here and here and here..... and many other places too.

And, really just so many others I am sure.... I hope that I continue with as much honesty and integrity as I feel I have in this blog so far. I plan to continue to blog naked because it makes it real, something people might be able to relate to and something for me to look back on and see just how far I have come in this journey of mine.

From married with kids to single mom finding herself and beyond!

Personality

Okay last one for the night.... but I thought this was interesting too.

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Are you an easy girl???

Okay I couldn't help it, had to post this one too. For every one I post on my blog, I have probably taken 3 other quizzes.

Don't ya feel special!?

-------------------------

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You An Easy Girl?

Only 33% Bitchy

I'm at it again. I can't help myself, I just keep doing these.....


-----------------------------

You Are 33% Bitchy

You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts. Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!

How Bitchy Are You?

I have cool kids

Wow. I cannot believe how much my kids have changed over the summer. Really they were always this much fun but oh how I appreciate them a lot more this time.

So the older two and I just got done with a few hands of Uno. It was a blast! We were just cracking each other up! They are getting to be more like people, not just little kids. It is really great.

Even the little one is just really neat to hang out with. He says the funniest little things. He is also finally old enough to start really playing video games and that is what the three of them are currently doing. This is something that was always a part of my family growing up: games. Both board games and video games.

My dad has always been big into technology so we always seemed to have gaming systems even before they were mainstream. We had some weird thing back in the late 70s. I can't remember the name.... Fairchild? maybe or maybe that is some secret government mission. But, anyway, I just remember something about a machine that my dad hooked up in the TV shop that my grandparents owned and you used a joystick thingy and it drew colors all over the TV screen. Not really a game but when you are somewhere between 5-7 (I can't remember how old but I know it was in this time frame) that was a cool thing.

And we always had board games and card games or we were outside inventing games which my kids do as well. We still play games at almost all family gatherings.

And over the course of the years, I have packed and moved 3 very large, large boxes all full of games. It has been reduced since then but we still have a ton of games in our house.

Sooo anyway, I just had a great, great night hanging out with my kids and it was awesome!

I know that they are older now and as they get older this will not always be the case, so I figure, celebrate when I can.

Oh and as I have been writing this, they have started to fight. But, I'm still smiling because I know that I am still raising really great kids.

My life is....

Well almost perfect! That is about what I would have guessed too. (last one for the night! Promise!)

Your Life is 85% Perfect

You truly have the perfect life. And you probably feel like the luckiest person in the world. You have a great career, family, and personal life. You have it going on!

How Perfect is Your Life?

My eyes should be....

Exactly as they are. Though mine look almost nothing like the ones in this pic, mine are just the same color... sort of... brown.

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Nice Sunday Afternoon

So today was a really nice day. We had a pretty relaxing weekend in general, except for Saturday evening which involved a lot of running kids around.

Anyway, so Saturday night I was let in on a little secret. Goofball was going to visit us the next day. He told me in a way that made me smile and get that giddy feeling in my stomach. He was going to come hang out with me and my kids. Wow. It may seem like a little thing but its not. To me, well this is kinda big. I mean I really appreciate him coming all the way out here just to hang out with us.

It turned out to just be me and my boys. K had spent the night at a friend's house and the mom called to ask if they could all go to a movie. SURE! I'm glad she has a good friend to hang out with. Actually she is quite popular but whatever....

So Goofball, the boys and I played Phase 10. The little on got bored and went to watch a movie. The rest of us continued to play.... Until he won.

We then hung out a bit, fought the obvious sexual frustrations we were both having and then we said good-bye.

And so here I sit, smiling with appreciation that he would just come to hang out. Smiling because I enjoyed the afternoon with him and my boys. And smiling even more knowing at the end of the month (or sooner if I can find a way), we can deal with this mounting sexual frustrations. That should be a lot of fun.

I love Texas

I have never really been able to explain just why really. It is just a Texan thing, I guess. Or maybe it is because I have a strong historical background with Texas. First my great (x a few) grandfather was part of the fight for Texas Independence. (Here is another link about him!) I have other ancestors that had a mark on Texas. Then I was born on Sam Houston's Birthday and Texas Independence day. And, my parents made sure that we knew Texas History. We would take day trips or overnights all over Texas. One because it was all the vacation we could afford back then but two because I think they took great pride in our history as well.

This song by George Strait is great and in my opinion is a great song about Texas. This slideshow someone put together to go with the song is great too! I got goosebumps when I watched it and I already get choked up when I hear the song.

Enjoy it!

The lotto dream

Okay admit it, we all have one. I do. You do.

But, I used to kid myself, make myself believe that I would continue to work after I won. I would need to stay busy after all, right. And, no matter how much I won, I would work.

Bhahahaha! (laughter heard round the World)

Yeah, maybe, just maybe that would be true.....But, I seriously doubt it and especially not after the last couple of weeks at work.

I seriously have been coming home emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Not to mention my drive home is plagued by the most horrible traffic known to man. Okay it isn't thaaaat bad but it is very near close.

And, now that my babies are home, I don't want this kind of feeling. I want to come home and enjoy them. I don't want them to have a tired, stressed out mommy to deal with and then wish they were back with their dad and his girlfriend who both had far more time for them then I have in a loooooong time! (And no I am in no way jealous, I'm just saying they were able to be home for them and make dinner and be a "family"). K made dinner tonight!!!! I was sooo thankfully to her. She is a good girl.

And, then there is a day like today, I got to see Goofball at lunch. Oh that was nice to see him. Yeah and I'm acting like I haven't seen him in weeks when really it hasn't even been a week yet since the last time. Anyway, he looked amazing! even more than usual. Could I separate work and him for even an hour? Not very well and I feel a little bad, not completely because I know he understands but crap, I didn't even tell him he looked nice. Have I mentioned he is the first guy that actually makes me all over hot?! No, I haven't? Oh well, I have a hard time keeping my hands off of him, but whatever.

Sooooo anyway, do you think it is a good thing that work has me so drained? Would you call that a good day at the office? I know I will have to get to bed earlier tonight or I will NOT wake in the morning. Plus I want to have breakfast for a change that isn't a bar. No not alcohol but like a nutritional bar thingy.... I think I will need the fuel to get through the day.

Voodoo Doll curses?

When we were in New Orleans in June for work, we had a scavenger hunt. One of the items was a Voodoo doll. Well most people, I think, didn't keep them or even attempt to "put a curse" on someone. However, one of my co-workers did. Why? Because she was drinking a bit tooooo much. She was also pushing my buttons all night but that's another story.

So fast forward to today.... All last week and so far this week has been kinda the whole Murphy's Law at work. If it was going to go wrong, it has.

One of my other co-workers and I decided it was B and her voodoo doll. So if that is the case, how the heck do I get rid of the spell?! Or at the very least, please just say a prayer, cross your fingers, say a chant.... whatever that the spirits that I pissed off, have found enough revenge that they move on to the next victim.

:)

They're BACK!!!!!

I was soooo excited to see them, I got the half way point almost an hour early. So I ended up driving up further to meet them.... Totally worth it!

They loved the balloons!

It is soooo good to have them back!

120 balloons later....

I bought a bag of 120 balloons. Guess how many I blew up?? 117 officially. Two had holes and one actually exploded in my face. That was not fun!

Sooooo I think I'm all ready for my babies to come home.

They did put in a request for some songs to listen to on the way home, so I'm going to whip up a CD really quick and then try really hard to get some sleep!

I'm sooooo excited!!!!!!

A partner

So this was inspired by a conversation with Goofball.... We were just chatting and as conversations sometimes do, it evolved and what it evolved to was our exes.

He said something like all he was looking for was a partner (with her). I didn't say what I was thinking because he was talking and then the conversation changed a bit before I could say, yeah me too.

I am not sure his definition of a partner but for me it was someone to share the load and life and memories. See me, I am a working girl. I like to work. I don't even mind being a Working Mom. Its a good thing for me and my family.

How do I know? Because I have done both. When I first became a mom I was in the Navy. The first two kiddos were Navy Brats. Born at Pensacola Naval Hospital. So when they were just 6 weeks old, they went to a home care provider. It worked for us because thankfully I had a good one (actually the first couple were a disaster but finally found a perfect fit.) Then they went to a day care later. I worked until they were almost 9 and 7 years old, and my new little one was 11 months old. He got lucky and was able to stay with his Nana for the first part of his life.

Well in 2003, we decided it was best for me to stay home for a little while. I had been laid off and the jobs I was finding would just barely pay the day care bill. It didn't make sense.

I thought "Wow staying home would be pretty easy after working." Not easy in that I would just be lazy but just easy in that I wouldn't have to do all the things I already did PLUS work. Because I did 95% of everything anyway. He pretty much washed the clothes. That's it. I still had to put them away (which I didn't do all the time). Anyway, I was surprised at how tough an adjustment it was. Going back to work later was a snap compared to the transition to staying at home..... Though I did enjoy my time at home and really it was easier than working and doing all the kid stuff and house stuff.....

So I stayed home for 2 year. What I did at home was.... everything. All I asked was that he made a mess, he would clean up after himself. Like if he decided to make himself a different dinner or maybe a snack. But, I made all the meals. I cleaned the house everyday. I did all the grocery shopping. All the kid care. Everything. That was the deal for staying home. Oh and we lived in Fargo so I shoveled the drive a lot..... He did sometimes too.

When I worked, he did the laundry and when we had a yard, he would do that too. But, we rented a lot so normally didn't have to worry about that. We did sometimes split the cooking when we both worked, but I still did pick up/drop off of the kids about 95% of the time too. A lot of times I would get home with the kids and he would just be at home half way through a football game on the Playstation. No dinner started. And, why couldn't he pick up the kids?

But yeah I think that is what we are all looking for; a partner. A relationship that is give and take..... and not just one person giving and the other taking.... but equal giving and taking.

Reality being what it is, relationships aren't always balanced all the time... Sometimes one person needs more because sometimes life circumstances cause the relationship to tilt a bit. That's okay, I think. Because I believe that if it is a good relationship, that it will balance out in the end.

I just hope I get it next time around.

End of Summer.... sort of.

Okay so by the calendar, its not really the end of summer but it is for me.

My kids come back on SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And while I really can't wait, it also means that the already limited time that I have to see Goofball is now cut back again. While my kids have been gone these two months, he and I have enjoyed a lot more time together because I could fit my schedule to his. Now we will have to try to match schedules again.... which is really what we were used to and I will admit, I feel a bit spoiled by the time together. He just left and don't tell him.... okay I know he reads this.... but I cried when he left.... why? Because I'm a girl! Sometimes we do that.

I have really enjoyed this summer. My time alone, time with Goofball and just doing whatever I wanted to do. I was having serious financial issues before the summer. Now I am back on track. Very good in fact.

Well now I am going to start decorating the house for the kids return. Wow, do I remember how to be a mom?? I have to cook dinner and fed people other than just myself (and the cats)... so I am going to hang streamers and blow up a ton of balloons so that when they get home, they will know I missed them and that I am very glad they are back! I will get something special for dinner and maybe even get/make a special dessert.

So that's the end of my summer.....

Did you know.... Shift Happens

Something they showed in a meeting today as we gear up for our College Recruiting.

A case of the Mondays

Do you just wake up and think, this day is going to suck?

I almost never actually think that, and I didn't today either. While I do whine and complain sometimes, overall I see the glass as half full. I look at things mostly through Rose colored glasses and fully believe that I live under a rock. I hate conflict and drama and all things change. I like things to be even and steady, no surprises.

So my weekend started out great. I went over to my parents for a bit. Hung out. Got free dinner. Always a good thing.

Get home.... check my work blackberry..... WTF? I forgot to do something big! I didn't order catering for an Intern Event we had in our California office for the night before. And why did it take you all day Friday to tell me???? Not that I could have done anything about it but now I have to think about it all weekend.

The rest of the weekend was fine. Just didn't sleep much Saturday because I slept over at my parents so doggie sit for them. Hard to sleep in a "strange" place.

Sunday night was the highlight of my weekend and really my week, always.

Then Monday morning rolled around. I woke up with the worst headache ever. Not from a hang over, you have to actually drink alcohol for that, right? No just sinus pressure and maybe a little dread over the day.

I had to sit through Intern End-of-Summer Presentations, which actually I like. It is one thing I truly look forward to with the Summer Intern program. But, it meant being out of my office pretty much all day.

So I get there thinking that my worst problem would be that the room we were using for the presentations might not have a telephone for dialing in to the conference bridge that I had set up so that anyone that couldn't make it to the presentations in person could hear them and there is a link so they can view them (Meetingplace is the coolest thing).....

Well I get there. Telephone. Oh perfect. Oh look a microphone too, hadn't thought about that. Double perfect. Oh this is going to be GREAT!

Well it was time to get started so I dial up the meeting..... "This is not a recognized ID. Please try again." WTF? Are you kidding me? Okay don't panic, maybe you dialed wrong. Try again, smiling still. No dice. Crap, crap, crap..... Come to find out somehow my meeting got canceled in the system. How? I don't know. Usually I would get something, but nada.

From there things just got worse and worse. It was like Murphy's law.

But, ya know, none of the problems were in my control. I just had to laugh them each off. I survived. The presentations, themselves, were awesome. The Interns really rocked them out. Great, great job all of them! I thanked them for being flexible with the changes and problems. Thanked the managers, supervisors, mentors and co-workers that came out to listen.

Then I went back to my office. I got very little actually done.

But, the one thing I needed to do, check the phone bridges for all the rest of the Intern Presentations days (6 more days worth) worked. According to the Helpdesk, they are all present and accounted for. So crossing fingers that we don't have a repeat. I changed a few of the other problems we had (not enough food, not enough drinks, forgot to have a timekeeper)..... and then hope that the other problems don't come up either.

Soon the summer will be over. We will be back to College Recruiting and the Summer Intern program for 2007 will fade and the 2008 season will look so far away!

I can't wait!

That kiss

Have you ever had that one just amazing kiss (or kissing session) that just sends chills through your body and you can barely hold yourself up so you just completely lean on him and you can feel it through your whole body from your head to your toes and for days after when you think about it your stomach gets that butterfly feeling and you get all warm and maybe a little giddy over it?

It has been a really, really, REALLY long time for me. So long in fact I can't even remember..... Maybe it was that first serious boyfriend that I mention sometimes, JJ. But, I don't think my ex-h and I ever had something like this..... and JD.... well really that was all lust so maybe, but I can barely remember what he looks like let alone what kissing was like.

But very recently I had the most amazing kiss(es). Like the kind I described. Just amazing. Still thinking about it. Hoping for a repeat.... or maybe something even better. Because I will admit that each time I see him and each time we kiss, it is just better than the last time. And, sex, well wow. After kissing like that sex is amazing because I already feel that all over sensation....... (sigh)......

So ya want to know a little secret. I never used to like guys to touch my face or near my face (like on the sides of my head) when kissing me...... though I have always like hands on the back of my head in my hair (I love having people touch my hair)...... However, now, I love having my my face touched, my hair touched.... just all over while kissing especially.

Gives me the chills again just thinking about it.

So anyway, just something I wanted to share because I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I don't always share everything but this, this had to be shared.

Alone versus Lonely

and yes there is a big difference!

Having just spent a lot of time being in both of these modes, I will just discuss from my view.

You can be lonely and still be with other people, but you really can't be alone with people around. Lonely is more of a feeling or maybe an emotion. While alone is a place or maybe a state of being.... as in you are the only one around.

Now I don't mind being alone. It really is a good thing. Everyone should have some private time. Time to themselves. Time with their thoughts. When I do have my kids, I do enjoy some quiet alone time. And even now with them gone, I have enjoyed some of my alone time. It is a very good thing.

However, being lonely.... well that just down right sucks ass! I hate feeling lonely. It makes me depressed or maybe I feel depressed sometimes because I'm lonely? (Interesting).

Like I have said, my kids aren't here. They have been gone for the summer. While they have been gone, I have been in a room full of people that love and care about me, but yet there was this huge lonely feeling. My babies weren't there. I'm very lucky though because I know I'm blessed.... just a few weeks and they will be back.

Then there is the single thing. First of all my marriage was nothing more than a legal bond between two people.... at least for most of it. There was some feelings and yeah I have love for him even now... We had history and memories, and I have known him about 14 yrs now. We have three kids together that we share many memories with. But, I was always very, very lonely in my marriage. There was little emotional connection. Happy couples have that emotional connection.

So I don't like being lonely. And, now that I am single and dating, yeah I am looking to fill that lonely void. I don't want to be lonely. I don't think many people do.... some? Yeah maybe.... so what are most single people looking for, you got it right and its no big mystery.... They want someone to be with so they aren't lonely.

The sad thing in my eyes is this. You can be lonely and be with someone. Some people just confuse being alone a lot with being lonely. I guess they think, if they are with someone else (not alone) then that equals not being lonely. Well I hate to burst that bubble, but it is very possible to being with someone and be lonely. I know that from first hand experience, as I mentioned.

Anyway, just my opinion... :)

To keep or not to keep that is the question

So I have never gotten around to going through my pictures to purge the ex from them. But, with kids, can I really do that? I mean I can get rid of the pics of just him, right? But what of the ones with him and the kids?? I should keep them for them, yes? And, what about pictures with the ex in-laws and the kids, keep too?

I mean some of this is really easy. I am making a stack of throw out and a stack of things he might want....I guess the plan is to go through and give him anything with him solo, then on things I have double on, give him the copy and keep one.

13 yrs of memories.... okay well maybe just the first 8, then we used digital exclusively.... so I have already taken care of the digital photos!

Bday cards, anniversary cards and everything in between. Wow!!!

Stacks and Stacks of pictures! Thank goodness for digital!

Maybe when I get organized I will share a few of the really good pics of the kids! And maybe even some of me! ;)

Horoscopes

Typically I look at these as for fun! But do you ever read it and just on that day, at that moment the horoscope writer just got really lucky and wrote exactly what you needed to hear or it spoke directly to your life on that day....

Yeah that happens to me from time to time. How do you feel about it?

Here is mine today:

Overview: Are you having a case of cold hands and warm heart -- or just the opposite? Whatever the symptoms, you're feeling one way but thinking another. It's a good idea to give yourself a timeout until you're more in sync.

And, to answer your question, yes I am crazy. I have never claimed to be otherwise. :)

Spiderzilla!

I may have mentioned a few (hundred) times that I can't stand spiders. I may have also mentioned that I have be seeing them everywhere! (Jenny at least your squid are in the ocean not your car, house or yard.... *shutter*)

Well last night I had the Granddaddy of all the in my house last night!!!!! It was huge for a "house" spider. I haven't had bananas imported in from South America or anything so where did Spiderzilla come from!??

I don't know and no I don't have a picture of it! Though he is in my vacuum cleaner right now, dead, thanks to my cats! I forgive their bad behavior lately for killing it. Good kitties!

They got a nice treat from me this morning.

All the world's a stage.

Yesterday I went to a baby shower for my cousin's wife. So what is she my cousin-in-law? Anyway, sweet and very cute couple! He wasn't there but to hear her talk about my baby cousin, it was cute. They are having their first and its a little girl. Sweet.

So I have four male cousins on my dad's side of the family. This was just one of them. All are fairly newly married couples. L&M have been married since 2004 but live in Cali so we don't see them much. Then there is J&J, they are the ones having the new baby. They were married in 2005. Then M&L married just this April.... and lastly, M&A married in June of this year.

They are all like those perfect couples. They did the away from home college thing, got professional jobs making good money. Got engaged, bought the house and now, at least J&J (the oldest of my cousins at just 30) are starting their family.

They are living that "American Dream" or whatever. Like this is the way you do it..... "Step 1.... Step 2...."

This is sooo not how my life has ever gone and sometimes it makes me upset. Not for any other reason than I thought my life was suppose to be like theirs. It is kinda like when you see Super Models in mags and you think this is how real women look. If that is the case then why is my size always sold out at the stores?

I just remind myself that life is not a script to be followed. Yeah all the world's a stage and we are merely players (Thanks Shakespeare, this is not the exact quote); however, it doesn't mean we have to follow the same script. We can improvise a bit, right?

I just have moments that I need to realize this and I do sometimes envy them their life's but that is their life, their choice. My choice was this: Go to college, hate it, go in the Navy, love it. Find my husband (now ex) in just a week... get pg, get married (yes in that order). Fight my way through the first year, have another baby 19 mths later....... well and you know the rest, I think.

Anyway, it ended but that doesn't mean that my life has ended. Hell no! Just because life isn't the way I thought it would be, I can embrace this new twist and wait for the excitement of my new role!

I can't wait!

Tag your it!

Tagged by Jen at Chaos Among Us.

Here's what I have to do for this tagging game:

1) I must post 7 random things about me:-

• I share a bday with Sam Houston, Dr. Seuss and it is also Texas Independence Day.
  


• I love magazines. It is hard for me not to buy most of them.... even the ones that don't apply to me, my lifestyle or anything I have interest in. I just like them.
  


• I used to collect business cards. I had them for all kinds of things.
  


• I am pretty close with most of my family including my extended family.
  


• I love Butter Pecan Ice Cream but bought Mint Choc Chip recently instead.... Its my second fave.
  


• Sept 9th is a special day to me. It may seem odd to celebrate something that was so simple and that is no longer in my life, but it changed me in so many ways that I will always have a special place in my heart and memory for this day.... The day I entered Boot Camp.
  


• I have always had sleeping problems. I have tried sooooo many different things. Recently tried counting (Thanks Margaret... its such a simple idea!) and it WORKED! I just had to keep reminding myself not to think of anything but the number.
  

2) Tag 7 other bloggers

Well I would tag people but I am not sure who I would pick!

Maybe Trapped, Esmerelda, Everyone at Mama Drama, Kyla, Margaret, GuyGM, Gman.....

I don't know. But, I'm not officially tagging any one just a suggestion!


3) Post Rules & the bloggers I tagged here.



4) Leave tagged bloggers comments on their web sites so that they know they have been tagged

Here and There

So I thought I would do a quick random all over the place post! Here goes.

1. Thanks Mindy for giving me this!








Isn't it pretty! Now I get to give this to other Rockin' Girl Blogger. Many of the ones I would tag have gotten it. So anyway, here are the folks I give it to.

Aimee - You rock! You are always there with a kind word, support or to help me out with great Sun protection info.

Esmerelda - You rock! Keep on rockin'. (No link)

Mrs. Wheezer - You rock! Again, always there when I need support and just a great, great friend. I'm soooo glad I finally got to meet you. Can't wait to see you again.

Beautiful Disaster - You rock! From one single mom to another! Great blog and we are sooo *right here*....

And last but not least Jen - You rock! You don't blog much but you have been an amazing friend through the years. You bring the humor in most situations but can be right down to the point and serious in others.

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2. I FINALLY talked to the kiddos! It was sooo good to talk to them but just as I was getting off the phone with the ex (we had to talk business), I started to get choked up and almost cried when I got off the phone. I think it was part relief to finally talk to them and partly just plain mama sadness. But I do try to be thankfully. No I don't just try, I am! They will be home soon and I will surrounded by their voices, their laughs, their smiles, their screams, their yelling, their door slamming, and loving every minute of it.

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3. Got out last night with Goofball and a friend of his. I almost didn't go but really glad I did.

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4. I have reconnected with a few of my very good friends lately. Two on the same day! And, one today. It is always great when old friends call or email. I just wish I could fly out to Green Bay to see my one very best friend even after almost 7 yrs apart. She and I go waaaaay back to Jan 1993-ish at least when we first met but we truly started hanging out a year later when we were both pg with our first children! Both girls! My other two friends I meet 7 yrs ago this month. We worked at the same place for 2 yrs and have stayed in touch off and on since.

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5. Have you seen the commercial for the depression meds that says, "Depression Hurts." Yes it does. As you would expect mentally but it also hurts physically.

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6. Watching the Home Run Derby! It rocks!!!! It is like the best part of baseball and all the best players doing it. I probably won't watch the All-star game tomorrow though. Unfortunately, the Astros do not have many players this year. Just two.... Carlos Lee and Roy Oswalt!

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7. I am still not completely up to speed with my computer. I am now using Firefox so I have to get it all set up like I like with all my faves bookmarked and then I will be back to making my rounds around the blogosphere. If I haven't commented on your blog for a while, its not that I don't love you anymore, its I just haven't had the time just yet with trying to get my computer up to speed.....



Well I guess that's it! Lucky 7, though my fave number is 9. Hey I could write 9. This should count as #8, yes?

9. Please check out Jenny of Mama Drama fame at her home away from home!
I want her to be my new best friend! She is awesome.

My Computer seems to be working!

But, I'm not. I'm so freakin' lonely its not even funny. I'm depressed as hell. My kids really do keep me going.

I have been trying to force myself to get out. I have called people like my parents and my aunt and some friends so that I can just get out of the house from time to time. Not just be stuck in the house.

But, like right now, I have no one to go with me and I have to go to the grocery store. But, as you see, I'm not. I'm typing away saying nothing of interest. But, I will get myself together once I vent this and make my confession. I just have to then mentally talk myself into to driving to the store. I actually do have to mentally prepare myself to do things even things that I have done a hundred times. Don't even get me started on how much it takes for me to get myself to do something new.... Ack! Just bring me my "I love me" jacket now.

I know I'm weird. But this is all part of me. I have an anxiety disorder and I suffer from depression and I hear voices.... oh wait that's just because I left the TV on in the other room. Okay so just the first two.

When I am suffering from both an anxious feeling and depression, I can almost not function. Like right now, I'm almost paralyzed with fear of going out of my house. Wait, fear might not be the right word. But, I'm paralyzed into not doing it.

And I know when I do make it out of the house, I will forget much of what I wanted at the store. This means I will have to calm down and try again later. This also means taking a list will not help. I will actually not be able to read the list. It is the weirdest feeling. So I just wing it and hope for the best.

So wish me luck as I head out. I just wish that the grocery store would deliver. That is one of the few things I do miss about Fargo, ND! Grocery delivery!!! Whoohooo.


PS... I have a few posts that I need to do... Namely Rockin' Girl Blogger. Min, I didn't forget!!! Just sucked into a hole I can't climb out of.

Crossing Fingers! (random post)

Do you have then crossed? I think my computer might be working.... for the moment. I have been online now for a few minutes and it hasn't crashed..... Yet....

So I have moved all my photos and music and anything else I don't want to lose to my extra hard drive. My computer has two. So just in case this one dies, I won't lose everything. (crossing fingers)


Nothing excited from me though so you aren't missing anything in my life. Just missing my kids like crazy, hanging out a bit with Goofball, working a lot and cleaning. How fun does my life sound?!?! :)

Monday was my brother's Bday. He is the one in Iraq. Won't be home from there for another 6 mths because they got extended for a few extra. In September, it will be a year that he has been gone....

And it is the 4th of July. I have no plans at all. How sad is that? I feel so pathetic and lonely but ya know, it is what it is. Actually my parents are having me over for dinner and we will hang out. Nothing exciting but still better than being here alone. But everyone else I know has plans or I would try to hang out with someone else. Normally my family is very organized and in to doing these big parties for every thing! Seriously! (Goofball thinks we are weird and yeah a little but I love my family a lot! and miss the parties)

My mom had surgery. Since just before that, no parties. What's up? No June bday parties this year, nothing for Mother's day, nothing for the 4th..... When is our next party?? I have no idea. We would often get together because it was just a good day for a party. My memories is getting fuzzy on when our last one was.... Our family reunion at the end of April, I think? (which was a much more extended version of just my mom's sisters and their kids and their kids....)

I think I might go take a nap or watch a movie and then call my parents.

HAPPY FOURTH!!!!!!! Hope you all have a good, safe holiday.

What a year!

To Goofball,

What started out with a simple email has turned into a year of memories. I feel really lucky to have met you, though some days you keep me wondering why! Just kidding! :) You make me laugh and smile even on the days I don't always want to. And, while I don't have expectations of mind reading, you have this knack for it, like emailing or calling just when I need you too.

You are thoughtful and respectful. You make me think in ways I have never before or of things I knew nothing about. You are patient with me and well a damn good kisser too!

I don't know the future nor do I want to. I want to enjoy these moments for the moments they are.

Anyway, thanks.

Happy Birthday teenager!

(Computer problems have delayed this posting)

To my teenager and first born baby.

Wow, I cannot believe it has been 13 years since I meet you. In some ways, it seems like I have known you forever and in others, it seems like we have just met. You are very special to me. You are the first person to make me a mom. You were such a good baby and that works to both of our advantages because I had no idea what I was doing! I only thought I was ready for a baby at age 21. Oh I was soooo wrong! There is that commercial that says, "A Baby changes everything." Boy does it!

You were born early. We had a few "Is this it" moments and not knowing better, I would call the nurse and she would send me to Labor and Delivery. But, on June 24, 1994.... I knew you were coming soon even if you weren't due for another 2 weeks. I finished packing my bags, got the car ready and silly as it seems, I put plastic on the bed... under the sheets, just in case.

The morning of June 25, 1994, I woke up at 4:00 and my water had broke. Just a little, just enough that I knew you were really coming. I tried to wake daddy but he had had enough false alarms that he said, "Okay but can you wake me later." back to sleep in went. Thankfully I knew Grandma would be awake (my grandma, your g-grandma). I talked to her and she said to go wake him up! Then she said call the hospital so I did. They said take a shower and then come in. Good call on the shower.

I guess Daddy knew at this point I was serious because he got up. It was pouring rain! And was still dark when we left. It was a long drive to the hospital but we didn't feel rushed because I felt fine.

Got to the hospital, sure enough, you were coming and we still didn't know if you were a boy or girl... I just knew you had to be a girl! I just knew it. Either E or K would be your name.... I kept saying them in my head.

Labor and delivery was really easy for me. You were a small baby. 6 lbs 8 oz and about 20 inches long (I think). So tiny. I was so scared of you. They handed you to me and I just thought they were crazy. I can't hold that, I will break her!

But, I looked at you and just knew you were my K baby.

You grew up so fast. I always talked to you like you were older, more grown. Nana had to remind me often that you were a child but I never listened because you always responded better when I treated you like this.

Sadly you didn't get to be the baby for long. I got pregnant with H when you were just 10 months old. I had a lot of first time mommy guilt over that one but was happy by the second child.

I just enjoyed you everyday and often miss that little girl. But, I am so proud of the person you are becoming each day. You are so special to me and I know I would not be able to get through the last few years without you. You are my rock and that is such a burden for a child to have but its true.

I hope that you had a good day with your dad. I missed you very much but was glad to hear the joy and happiness in your voice on Monday.

Happy Birthday, my girl!

Happy Birthday my big 5 year old!

Dear L,

Happy birthday, big boy! I cannot believe you are 5 years old today. You have changed so much over the years and you amaze me everyday. I wish I could see you today but it is your time with your dad. Hopefully I will get to talk to you soon. I miss you very much.

You are a very special boy to me because I never thought I would have you. It took so long for me to get pregnant with you that I just knew that was it. No more. And, then surprise! I didn't even know because I had gotten so used to the "fake" pregnancy symptoms that I just thought I was getting the flu. But, no, oh no. It was you. I nicknamed you bug the day I found out you weren't the flu! Grandpa hated that I called you bug but Nana and I loved it.

You were to be due July 1. Very close to Daddy's birthday, K's birthday and Uncle B's too! (as well as many others in our family.... Tons of June/July bdays). Since you were due near K's bday, we decided to move her party to the beginning of June. A month early, right? Well you decided to start messing with me. You kept me on my toes wondering from Mid-May, would you come early?

But, you didn't, and given your size, the doctor and I decided to help you come early. So I picked the day..... June 24, 2002...... I went to the hospital to be induced. Of course the report was I was 5 cm dilated..... so you would have come on your own very soon anyway.

Meds started at 8:00 am by 1:30 pm, you were cleaned up and in my arms. Labor didn't really start until around 10:30.... water broke at 12:30, you were out shortly after 1:00.

8 lbs 11 oz and 21 inches tall.

Unfortunately, you broke your collar bone being born. Despite that you were a really good baby. Very laid back. Ate well, slept well, very alert and could hold your head pretty well.

You changed so much that first year. You really wanted to get up and run with the big kids! You loved K and L (and still do of course!). You crawled at 5 mths, walked by 10. One time you were about 12 months old and you were running around with H playing war or guns or something..... I remember this because you were making the machine gun sounded and I thought how strange it sounded for a little 1 year old to be playing that game and you knew how to make that sound! It was amazing!

You have learned everything so fast. And, on one hand that makes me so proud and on the other so sad because I really didn't get to enjoy you as a baby.... You never really were a baby exactly. You were always trying to be older. I guess that is why I hold on to anything that is "baby" like with you. That is probably why you get away with so much and why I give you pretty much everything you want.

You start Kindergarten this year, my baby. I am going to be so proud of you because you are so very smart. I know you will love going to school. You won't even be home to me for another month. I miss you so much. You make me smile and laugh everyday.

Anyway, baby, I love you and can't wait to talk to you to tell you Happy Birthday!!!!!

Thanks Jenny!!!!

Jenny of Mama Drama fame had a great little get together at her house last night. Just the Mama Drama gals and one special guest.... ME! It was fun.

I wanted to take something nice so I did a search for cookie bars and came up with two that sounded good.

The first:
S'mores Bars

Ingredients:
8 whole graham crackers
1 (19.8 ounce) package of fudge brownie mix
2 cups miniature marshmallows
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
2/3 cup chopped peanuts (I didn't use. S'mores don't have peanuts... right?)

Arrange graham crackers in a single layer of a greased 13 X 9 inch pan. Prepare the brownie mix per the directions and then spread over the crackers. Bake at 350 for about 25 mins (or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean). Then spread the marshmallows, chips and peanuts over the top. Cook for another 5 mins or until marshmallows are puffed and gooey. Let cool and serve!

Very yummy and gooey!


The other were some Seven Layer Bars. I actually made two batches of this but one didn't come out at all. My mistake was the graham crackers crumbs were too small. I would say break these by hand and most should be not smaller than a dime but no bigger than a quarter. The recipe also calls for 1 1/2 cups of crumbs. I would probably use 2 cups - 2 1/2 cups.

Anyway, ingrediants:

1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup butterscotch chips
1 cup chopped walnuts (The ones I took to Jenny's were almonds, not walnuts)
1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1 1/3 cup shredded coconut

Preheat oven to 350. Place butter in a 13 X 9 inch pan, place in oven to melt butter. Once it is melted take out and swirl around to coat the sides of pan. Spread the crumbs in the pan, make sure it is even. Then layer the chocolate chips, butterscotch chips and nuts. Pour the condensed milk and then layer with coconut.

Bake until edges are golden brown, about 25 minutes.


I am not a cook or a baker. I used to be but I just don't enjoy it as much. This, I will say, I did enjoy! It was fun to make and fun to share and I'm glad everyone seemed to like them enough to ask me to post the recipes!

Once my kiddos get back, I will be inviting all the Mamas to my house.

Thanks Jenny for including me and inviting me. Victor is a nut and Hailey is just too cute! Mindy it was great to see you again and your kiddos! They are great. Stephanie, Matt and Bethany it was great to finally meet you! We totally have to get together again. Heather, Mike and Ethan it was great to meet you too!! All the little ones were just too cute and I think Mindy's kids enjoyed themselves too. Great kids.

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

I watched this movie yesterday with my mom. I don't know why but I was totally into it and now obsessed with Eveyln Ryan. The movie was based on the book by her daughter Terry "Tuff" Ryan.

So the story is Evelyn Ryan is the mother of 10. The husband drinks a lot and spends most of the families money on supporting that habit. They live in poverty but Evelyn keeps them going by entering contests; jingle writing contests and sometimes she wins big. She is really good with words and is able to keep the family going by doing this. During the course of the movie she receives a letter from another Contester and they start writing back and forth. Very witty letters that really remind me of modern day blogs and of modern day bloggers. These were very smart women.

I really want to read the book now. I want to read the book that was done before the movie. Yes, there is now one after the movie, probably the content is the same but still..... I want to read everything about this.

Why?

This was a time before the internet. This was what women did to stay "sharp" and "witty".... Her words in the movie. There weren't choices for most women to go out and work or be smart. You had to be a wife and mother. ONLY. That point was driven home in the movie over and over.

In ways the contesting she did was not only her way of keeping the family feed, clothed and housed, but also her creative outlet. It really reminded me of .... well like I said Bloggers.

I recommend this movie to all you Mommy Bloggers out there. I don't know if it would appeal to men quite the same but hey, it is a great flick.

What makes a man sexy?

We all know the usual things that we think of. Some guy totally cut in all the right places. Tall, dark and handsome. Maybe standing topless in tight jeans, posed doing something masculine, ya know what I mean?

Women, we know, those things are great but tell me this isn't even more sexy. A man that is a loving father. Is gentle and sweet. Respectful to you, children and even animals. Cooks, cleans, asks you about you. Makes you laugh, makes you roll your eyes every once in a while (at his goofiness). Opens a door for you. But, isn't so sensitive that it is sickening and is willing to kill bugs for you.

Now ladies, tell me that ain't sexy is hell!

I knew you would agree.

NASCAR News

I have been avoiding talking about this. Like if I didn't, it wouldn't be true.

Dale Jr is going to race for Hendrick racing for the 2008 season. WHAT? I mean, I am sooooo glad he will be racing but that never really seemed in question. It was more of a question of where and will Bud still be his sponsor? And what will his car # be? I mean HE is #8! Hendrick is an amazing race team! Gordon, Johnson.... Two of the big dogs, ya know?

But Hendrick is a rival to DEI. I have never been a fan of Gordon or Johnson. Never. I cannot see that I will be when Jr is a teammate to them either. I will be a Jr fan and only his fan. Okay him and Tony Stewart, I mean, hello.... Tony Stewart!

There are a few others I like but Dale Jr and Tony are my faves.

Anyway, I am still in a little shock but overall happy that he will be racing in 2008 and for a great team. Just wish it was Childress or Joe Gibbs Racing..... I don't know.... Anywhere but Hendrick! :)

Changes and a Busy Week

So I changed the way people can leave comments. I did it for Min and Robert! I want more people to comment not just read, so I have it set so that anyone can comment. Now if I start getting all kinds of weird comments, I might change it. But for now, that's it.

I have been missing the kiddos but thankfully I have been really busy. Between the Mama Drama Con Queso, visiting family and Goofball, I haven't be home a lot. Work is going to keep me busy this week as well. We have an Intern Event Wednesday and Thursday.

Soooo other than that, not much. Just truckin' and counting down until August. I mean I am enjoying the heck out of my freedom, but it is really quiet and hard to come home at night.

Also a quick shout out..... Thanks for dinner, Goofball! It was nice to have a place to go where dinner was cooked and I just got to chill.... oh and have some grown-up conversation! I am looking forward to tomorrow too. :)

Sour and Sweet - An Analogy about Men

This is a little gem from Mama Drama Con Queso yesterday! We were talking about men (Kyla, Jenny and I), comparing stories of the sweet and sour things they do. I think it was Jenny that said something like they can be sweet one minute and rotten the next. We agreed and I said, kinda like Sour Patch Kids, huh?


And the analogy was born. However, upon further reflection of the "First they're sour and then they're sweet".... I really think in the case of men it is sweet first.... because hello they want to get "in", ya know? And, then they turn sour. (and really, women, admit it we are the same.)

Anyway, if you aren't familiar, please follow the link to the Sour Patch Kids website. There you can view two of the commercials and it will help explain the whole "First they're sour and then they're sweet" analogy.... :)

Now I have a craving for Sour Patch Kids.

Mama Drama Con Queso!

Mama Drama teamed up with Blog Con Queso to create this GREAT! Lunch today for area bloggers.

It rocked!

I am such a wallflower, introverted homebody that I'm just shocked at myself for saying "I'll be there." How easy would it have been to just not comment? Easy! How hard was it to go? HARD! But, ya know, I meet some really great people. I wouldn't have met these people otherwise.

Now you would think a bunch of people who pretty much just met would have nothing to talk about. I don't think there were any quiet moments the whole time.

There were some folks (Min!) that I didn't get to talk to much at all. I really wanted to sit down with her and chat but maybe soon we can get together. (give me a call sometime, we can chat!)

I have done stuff like this before so not sure why I was nervous. But, when you are meeting internet people.... well you just don't know. I have even gone to Chicago and Baltimore to meet people. Drove to Dallas recently same thing. But those are people I have "known" online for a long time. Love them! (You know who you are!!!) But, still you just don't know. Online dating, same dealio! It is hit or miss.

I really hope that we can do this often and that even more people come. And, maybe we can plan a little more time.

I have a blog to write about from the event. We were talking about guys and well this analogy was used to describe them. Who said it? Oh that would be me!

Anyway, Jenny, Laura, YOU ROCK! Thanks soooo much for putting this together and I'm really excited about future plans. Its just great, great, great!

Today

Today I miss the kids. I miss them a lot. I miss them so much I want to just climb in bed with some of their things and stay there all day.

I won't. I have plans. The best plan is to get the heck out of the house that just has little clues that I have children.

Anyway, just for a little bit, I will let myself miss them and then I will force myself not too.

In Love?

Over at Guy Gets Married, he has been talking about love a lot, well and light sabers! We all need one of those. (Oh and I need to give him a big ole thank you for the searches! My $$ jumped a bit.... Everyone click the ads and use the Google search on the sidebar, please?!)

Anywho.....

He is 35 and said that a recent girlfriend was the first time he thinks he was in love. I commented that I don't even know if I was in love with my now-ex-husband. Oh I loved him but to be "in love".... what is that? I am 34 and have I been in love? Yes maybe. I think I was with JJ my ex from high school. However, I don't think it was a fully mature love or grown up love? Not sure what I mean..... We were kids. Only 17 years old! We dated for about a year exclusively and then off and on for another year. I feel very different about him today. I love him to pieces! But, he is just an amazing friend.

Then there is M, my ex-h. Like I said, I don't think I was in love with him. I think I was in love with the idea of husband and wife and couple and a family. While I learned to love him, I just don't think I was in love with him and yes there is a huge difference.

Then there was J. He was several years ago when the ex and I had separated the first time.... with every intention of getting a divorce (but as history shows we didn't until years later)..... Anyway, I thought I was in love with him too. I honestly don't think I was. Again, I think it was the idea of someone new. We had great conversations and great sex, but that was about it.

These aren't the only guys I have dated/been with, but they are the ones that if I was in love.... these would be the 3.

Am I ready for that again? I don't know. I know that if there is a new husband in my future. I will only do it if I am in love. Not just the idea of it. How will I know the difference? I don't know. I just think I will know when the time comes. I feel like I was lost before. I now feel like I know who I am, what I want and I know I have a lot to give.

So anyway, to GuyGM..... there ya go babe. Do it for love, nothing else. And make sure it is not just the "idea" of it.

:)

Children and Body Image

So I talked to the ex today to see how the kids were doing. I didn't get to talk to them but will try to talk to them later. Anyway he was telling me all the things they are doing/not doing.

Like their "new" eating habits and the fact that they are all having to weigh in every Sunday morning. He measured and weighed them, and had them set weight lose goals. K is (almost) 13 years old, 5'5" and weighs @140 lbs. H is 11, 4' 11" and weighs @130 lbs. L is (almost) 5 and is 3'10" weighing in around 45 lbs. Okay not terrible but the two older ones are a bit on the heavy side, more H than K though.

Now this isn't a big deal, really BUT given his history with me and them, I am sooo worried about my children. Will they get an eating disorder? Will they always worry about their body and have a poor body image of themselves? They are all already on their way to it.

K always skips meals. H overeats after he talks to his dad on the phone. and L is only 5 and is always talking about being fat (which he is NOT).

Don't get me wrong some of the things he has done and is doing are great! He is talking to them about "choices" and not allowing them to eat a bunch of junk. He also tries to keep them active.

Things I do as well but I am at fault for their weight problems in the first place! I have a million excuses and reasons for doing this but a lot of times we eat out. There really is no good excuse and I started taking a lot of steps in the right direction with this.

I started making weekly menus and sticking to them. I also discussed with them good choices versus bad, portion sizes and talked to K about not skipping meals.

When they get back from their dad's I had planned to start us all in counseling, both separately and together, or really whatever seems to make sense. I am hoping this will help us all feel better about ourselves as well as help H with his emotional eating.

So anyway, I didn't say anything to him about my worry. I feel like he is only doing some harm but not all. Not to mention, I just feel like its not my business anymore how he interacts with them.

Randomness, Randomness

I wasn't tagged with this but doing it anyway. I don't know why I'm doing this.... I guess I'm depressed tonight and after my last post, I figured something "light."

So here are the rules:
The Rules

I have to post these rules before I give you the facts. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. (I don't plan to tag anyone. If you do it, you do it!)

Now let's see if I can come up with 8 new random things I haven't already posted.

1. I used to have Huskies. I loved them sooo much! I used to take them running. Anna pulled the leash too hard and broke it. They also like hot sauce.... especially when it was poured all over the back fence to keep them from chewing it. I had two and then they had two, so I had 4 Huskies for a while because we didn't give the pups for a few months.

2. I love the beach, hate sand. If I could be at the beach but not touch a grain of sand, it would be a good day.

3. Have I mentioned my fear and hate for spiders?

4. I was married at the Justice of the Peace in JEANS and tennis shoes. I have no pictures and never had a second ceremony to "make up for the first."

5. I believe in evolution and reincarnation and that people can come back to us as ghosts, spirits or any form they want. I think my Uncle is a hawk that was flying around during his funeral and has been spotted several times during visits to the grave. I also think my great-grandmother as come to me in my dreams.

6. The first concert I ever went to was George Strait. Back before he performed at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo!

7. I like to kiss. Nuff said.

8. I love Texas. I love everything about it..... except maybe the spiders. I do not plan to live outside of Texas again. Visits and vacations, yes. To live Texas to live somewhere else.... There better be a damn good reason! And money ain't one.

And, since #3 shouldn't really count.... here is 9.... to make this actually 8.

9. I love NASCAR. It took a long time for me to actually say I was a fan though I used to want to be a race car driver and sometimes, in my mommy-mobile, I pretend.

Okay like I said, not going to tag anyone. Feel free to write your own random 8 facts, please just let me know in the comments if you do so I can read them!!! :)

Years of therapy (Warning: Deep topic....)

Okay its Sunday and maybe I shouldn't write about something so deep on a Sunday, I don't know why I think its too deep for a Sunday, maybe just because its been a great weekend!

However, I had a dream just this weekend that has left me shaken from it and thinking I should head in for a few counseling sessions, just to clear my head.

I was sexually abused as a child.

No sympathy needed. I have learned through my research (because if I don't know about something, I crave information about it) that this is something surprisingly common. I am sure someone reading this right this second was or knows someone that was as a child.

It started when I was between 8 and 9. Not sure how or why, I don't really care. I guess what has always bothered me is that I didn't know it was wrong. Once I learned it was wrong it stopped. Imagine sitting in 9th grade health class, a weird and awkward time anyway, and reading about sexual abuse and having that ton of bricks dropped on you. Holy shit! Of course as the victim, I totally blamed myself. Thought I would be punished so never told a soul. At least not at first. Couldn't tell my family, couldn't tell my friends, couldn't tell anyone. I could barely tell myself. I just hid and avoided.

At some point I did tell a few friends who swore to their death with the secret. Thankfully one of my friends did not keep that secret for long. My family was somewhat angry by it, the fact that she went to a school counselor with it rather than coming to them and keeping it private. My grandmother went so far as to try to get me to lie about it so that we could just keep it "in the family" to deal with. Are you serious? No I have emotional scars that may never heal because of this. I wasn't protected. Period.

Long story short, I was removed from my home only because CPS thought I needed a change of environment for a while. So I lived with my favorite Aunt until her son became too jealous.... I think he was mostly confused by what was happening but was also having some troubles himself and blamed it on me. So I then moved in with my grandparents and quickly became quite the rebel. I started sneaking out of the house, every night. Why? Not for drugs, not for alcohol, not to smoke.... but just because I could and I wasn't suppose to.

I also started counseling. I would see Susan every week, then every other week and then once a month. This lasted about 2 years. She talked to me about anything I wanted to talk about. She got to the root of my feelings and taught me to understand my feelings. Prior to this if you asked me how I felt, I would answer with a physical feeling not an emotional one. Now you can ask me and it could run the gamut of emotions. (except in small talk, because then I'm just fine or good or okay.... in passing nobody really cares how you are!).....

I also learned as the "victim", I was not at fault. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, it just did.

So over the years I have had dreams of it. At first all the time, almost every night. I would always have the most horrible nightmares and this went on for years. They started to lessen, at least the sexually abusive ones but I still had nightmares all the time. One year I learned to sleep with classical music on so that I wouldn't dream.... or at least not remember them. My abuse was not a scary thing like you will hear on the news or see in a "made for women" movie. No it was coming from a place where the person was just as confused as I was and had a "sickness." I have forgiven. He thought it was with love that he did this and that was how it was given.... but it does not make it any more right. Just that I had no reason to have nightmares about something like this yet I did. I was never held down, never hit, never yelled at. A gun was never put in my face, no weapons of any type. But these are the things of my dreams.

Yet my latest one was..... I went to the person and I asked for it. He said, "you know we can't. You turned me in once before." I begged, I pleaded... please, please just one more time.

Just typing this I'm shaking with shame and embarassment over it. Why would my mind want me to dream this? What is going on in there? Why would I ever think to do that?

I just don't know and I really don't know if I want to know. There are so many more important questions still left unanswered in my mind.

My CPS counselor, the one that was given my case and told to protect me, told me that I would marry a man that would abuse my children. WTF?! Are you serious? So I wonder, did I let my marriage end because this was in my mind? No I don't think so and I think anyone that knew both my ex and me, would say the same.

And, now as a single mom who is dating, I think, will I bring someone around my children that would do this?? This is probably the scariest thing about being a single mom. This person wouldn't love my children the way I and their father do..... I don't know, it is just always on my mind. Her words. Oh and Susan (my counselor) did address this and told me I would be careful so I just hold her words too, for comfort that I will make smart decisions. So far so good. I would only bring someone around them that I trust completely.

Then I also wonder, would I ever do this to a child? Gawd, I hope not! I started babysitting at the age of 11 and through all this time I have had the care of many, many children. And, while I would look at these children, I would think, "How does it start? Why would someone look at this innocent child and think I'm going to do that?" I never once tried nor thought of doing it myself, just like I said wondered why? how? So I guess that answers that question....and yet the question is still in my mind.

Through the years, I have had moments of depression, anxiety and just out right out of control feelings, so I will rush on in for some counseling to get me over the hump. This will be my life until I die, I'm sure. Unless I end up with someone that is supportive and understanding and patient enough to deal with my emotional issues as they creep up. He would have to understand where they come from, this very scary place in my head.

I just feel this is just too much to ask of a person that I'm not paying and does not have the training for so unless I marry a trained therapist, then I will just continue on as is. Going in when I need to have my head cleared and my feelings validated and explained.

This was really long and if you actually read this whole thing, then bless you! You are a saint! If you weren't scared off by my emotional scars then thank you even more. We all have something, right?

Spiders

I hate spiders. One of the few things that makes my blood run cold. I get chills, I stop cold. I can't think, can't move. The room blurs as my whole focus is on that eight-legged freak.

In the past week I have encountered 3 spiders. 2 in my house and one on my car.

The first was in my boys' room. I was cleaning it. It was a mess and I can see why the spider was in there. But, it was on me and that just can't happen! EVER! I seriously would shiver for 30 minutes after I got it off of me. I don't know if I killed it because I hit it and swiped it off of me at the same time. I don't know where it is, but I really haven't been back in the boys' room since.

The second was on my windshield of my car. I stopped to grab myself some dinner on the way back from the airport last night. As I sat waiting, it climbed on driver's side window..... Thankfully I was able to squash it with the window by closing it! (shutter)

The third was in my bathroom sink. Are you kidding me?!?! I grabbed some bathroom cleaner and gave a few squirts of that. Buh-bye Mr. Spider, your time here is over.

So help me if I see another, I will burn the place down and move on. Okay not really but (shutter) what is going on with all the fucking spiders!!!!!??????

There are just somethings I truly miss about North Dakota!

Back

I'm baaaackk!!!

It was a blast. I'm exhausted but will blog soon. Also a little behind on making the rounds with comments but I'm trying to keep up and read everyone!

Thanks for stopping by!

Day one - No kids - Summer 2

So last summer, the kids were gone for only 3 weeks. They left on June 25 (K's bday) and went to the ex-In laws for the whole time. This summer we have a court order that says at least 42 days (last summer we agreed on 3 wks). They will actually be gone more like 2 mths.

Anyway. So I did fine. No crying but I didn't laugh either. I was just .... well.... normal! Okay sort of, I had a lump in the back of my throat like I might cry and that giddy feeling in my stomach that you get when you are excited.

Came home and cleaned house.

And, as I sit here typing this, I am suppose to be packing to go to New Orleans for work. But I am waiting on some laundry so I can finish... err, start.

Goofball came over for a short time tonight. It was great to see him, even if we only got a short time together. It was great because he kinda surprised me but a little embarrassing because I was just out of the shower and about to take out my garbage! Now that's attractive, right? lol!

Well I'm off for a few days but will update on my trip! I'm so excited. This is my first team meeting for work and while it may be a boring meeting, it sounds like parts of it will be fun!!! We are doing some kind of team building exercise in the French Quarter. We are guessing some kind of Scavenger hunt or something similar!

Back on Thursday!

Well they are leaving....

.... So begins the two months without kiddos. On one hand I am soooo looking forward to the break and on the other, well, I will miss them like crazy. I have been teary all day about it too.

All packed up and ready to go.

We meet the dad at 11:00 am tomorrow half way between here and there.

I am soooo ready for this and I'm soooo not ready.

What am I going to do with myself?

I'm sure I'll think of something!