Holiday update

We had a great holiday. Nothing super extra ordinary but wonderful at the same time. The kids were so happy and so great! They loved everything that "Santa" got them. And even better they liked the boring PJs that I got them. LOL!

Then around 4:00 pm on Christmas day the ex came and picked them up. I met his new girlfriend. This is one he has been dating since May(ish) and the kids spent most of the summer with. They are living together as well.

Anyway, she did seem very nice and I'm happy about that. The weird part is she is someone I could see myself being friends with under different circumstances, ya know?

Then when they left, I boo-wooed like crazy. Composed myself briefly and headed over to my Aunt's house (where all my family was gathered).... I started all over again. It was not pretty. It was a combination of things: lack of sleep, the fact it was a holiday and relief because honestly I need the break.

Woke up today still in a bit of a funk but feeling better. It just takes some time. Oh plus I got see Goofball today and that is always nice! No better than nice! It is awesome. He makes me smile.

Anyway, I hope you all had a great holiday! I can't believe it is nearly 2008. I still remember thinking, "I can't wait to party like its 1999!" and that year has come and gone.

Merry Christmas!!!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.

A different Christmas this year

Not bad, just different. This is the first Christmas that the ex isn't here for Christmas eve and Christmas morning. Even last year, though we were officially divorced, he came and stayed with us. He helped do the Santa stuff too.

It hit me today as I was typing out "... and the kids will go with him for Christmas night." that this is the first year that I have to hand my kids over to him for the holiday.

I know that I am lucky to have them most of the "holiday" part. Most of the hoopla is over by the evening when he will be getting them.... but they get to have a "second" Christmas with him. (ha, ha, they know it too)

This is also the first year that I won't have them for New Year's as well. I plan to enjoy the break and know that they will enjoy being with their dad but it is a little bittersweet too.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's and Happy.... well whatever you celebrate!

More teenager stuff

Ack! We have a new thing going on. I have been having to "fight" for any computer time lately. K is always on it! She has discovered youtube and that she can watch anime on it! Fine but just tell me when I get an email, okay?

So my apologizes to the blogging world. I can pretty much send a few emails, check my bank account and see a couple of blogs before she starts whining about the computer.

Okay that's it, she is on to me.... gotta jet! :) (Who's the mom? Oh yes, me. It keeps the peace though so my little sacrifice is worth it.)

Oohh by the way....

First of all this is my third post today after much silence. That is what therapy does to me. Ha, ha.

Anyway I never gave a cell phone update. She never found it. In fact, someone was using it so it was stolen. I had called the company to start the insurance claim process...they told me someone was using it.

So needless to say, they stopped service to that SIM card, and shipped us a new one.

Also, I had to put another $800 into my car last week (thanks mom and dad for the loan).... and this week I had to take it back in to get the same problem fixed. Crossing fingers.

That is that.

Whoohooo.... Best Blogging Buddies

Thanks Margaret!




I looked and looked for the rules. I hate to break rules (ha, ha... yeah right!). I didn't find anything saying number of people or anything.

Oh and I feel a bit bad about this because I really don't know who to give it to. Why? Because I haven't been doing well at keeping up with my blogging buddies!

But, I think I will give it to:

Tree
G-man
Esmeralda
Karen
Beautiful Disaster
Charlene
and last but not least
Trappedintime

Now, if you were left off the list.... there is a reason. It isn't cuz I don't love ya, cuz you know I do. But, we probably know a lot of the same people and if I gave it to all of you, who would they give it to?

Anyway, there ya go.

Dating Rules?

This week I was told I broke the "code".... Hmmm, what?

So let me back up. Goofball and I have been dating for .... well I am not sure where to start counting but we started talking online June 2006. To me that is when we first started dating, because in my mind dating is when you decide you have some interest in a person and want to see where it goes. Being in a relationship is once you decide this is the person you want to see exclusively. But, like I said, that's just me. There are varying degrees between the two.... so let's just say we have been dating exclusively for probably some where between a year and year and a half. I will admit in the beginning I was still talking to a few people but once Goofball and I meet a couple of times, that I was it. I decided I would give him my full attention, whatever that would mean.

Soooooo that was long for no reason.

Back to the story. Last Christmas I did want to get him something little for Christmas but it was "too early" and I didn't think it was a good time. This Christmas though I don't feel that way at all. I got him a gift. But, I don't know, I felt like I better let him know because it seemed fitting in what we were talking about (gift giving). He said "You broke the code." Hmmm WTF!? What code?

Well I have looked. A LOT! and everything I find is like this article. I found others but they all pretty much say the same. No matter where you start counting we have been dating more than the time where it is "too early" to give a gift.

So I didn't break the code! Ha!

Anywho, to me that isn't the point. The point is this is someone I like very much. I had a great idea of a gift I wanted to give him so I bought it. I think he will really like it and that was the point. To make him happy.

And really to me, should there really be rules about dating? Okay maybe a few and only in the beginning, like "Please don't come by my house at the 2 in the morning and watch my house." or maybe "It probably isn't a good idea to follow me everywhere I go." I mean that is just creepy, right?

But come on, once two people have been dating for several months or more, shouldn't they then get to just follow what feels right for them?

I knew you would agree!

Having a teen daughter

I have always wanted a little girl, a daughter. I got one! I was so excited when she was born. She was my first and I was scared to death and excited all at the same time. She was tiny. She was perfect. She was mine.

I have really enjoyed having a daughter. Now as we get deeper into the teen years that is changing. Now don't get me wrong, I still love having a daughter. I love her. But, it is getting more and more difficult to like her, at least every day. :)

She has gotten that typical teen attitude. We have been fighting a lot more everyday. If I try to discipline her, it gets worse. If I ask her to do anything (chore, homework, get out of bed for school), I am meet with almost hateful stares and attitude. She is currently grounded until she finds her brand-spanking new cell phone. She is pissed.

However, I know this is typical. I know it will pass. I just have to be the same. I have to be steady, generous, keep the lines of communication open, be there for her when/if she is ready. I just have to be very patient.


UPDATE: Not 5 minutes after posting this, she got all sweet and loving again. She was in here just chatting like nothing had happened. Probably to her, nothing did. Gotta love'em.

In the light of day

So today is a new day. I do try to start them all off on a positive note. I try not to let things from yesterday bug me today.

K seemed a little better this morning, though she was really hard to get up. Gee wonder why? And, that is why mom says go to bed on time!!!

Anyway, I can't tell if she was snappy this morning because she was cranky from lack of sleep or still cranky about last night. We will talk later.

I have to admit, I'm still really hurt and angry over this. And while I wish I could say it is all at K, it is not. I know, I know, she is old enough to be responsible for her actions in this. But I can't help but shot blame at her father. Now I won't admit this to them but I actually hate him. I don't know when it came to this but I could feel it building. I think it was my last conversation with him that just did it. I can honestly say I have never really hated anyone before. It doesn't feel good but it is how I feel. I have spent years and years in counseling to be able to identify and understand how I feel. I was also told by a counselor, "Nobody can tell you how to feel. Nobody can tell you it is wrong because it is just how you feel. Its an emotion." Ya know, it is true and it really was a freeing moment for me. She went on to explain that it is how we act and react to the feelings that truly matters. True, true.

Anyway, it is a new day. I'm going to try like heck to put those horrible feelings and words out of my head, not bottled up but out. And as always, just keep on movin' on.

Single mom and the double standard

I am so frustrated, angry, sad, upset, hurt..... grrrr!!!!!

So tonight Goofball came over to hang out. Long story short, I don't have living room furniture right now so we were watching TV in my room. Door open, on top of the covers, completely clothed, not even sitting very close. I think we were holding hands, maybe.

This was around 9, so I started to get the kids ready for bed (well really just telling them because they are all big enough to know what to do, except maybe L.... but really he is 5).

Well an hour later and they were still not really settled. Giggling and kept coming in the room for stuff. So I went in the other room (they all wanted to sleep in the same room) to kinda fuss at them. Well K said, "I'm not comfortable going to sleep while Goofball is still here." I said (and maybe I shouldn't have but I did!), "You sleep at dad's with Ms. C there, what's the big deal? It isn't like he will be sleeping over, he is leaving shortly." She shoots back with, "Yeah but she lives there." (which I figured but didn't know for sure)

At this point I was getting pissed to all hell! What the f$ck does that matter!!! I have known Goofball much longer than the ex has been dating her!!!(17mths to his 6 mths) Why should I be held to a higher standard than their dad??? (If I really let myself think about it, I could figure it out but its not fair.... and yeah, I know how childish it sounds to say, "Its not fair." )

K has been saying stuff like this a lot lately. I swear some of it sounds like it is straight from her dad's mouth! She keeps saying how sarcastic I am. I mean hello, if you have known me all of 5 minutes you know I am sarcastic about 99% of the time. Why is she pointing it out now? I really know why because her dad always told me how sarcastic I was. Ugh!

I basically was very childish and said she had to get over it, he was staying longer and she had to sleep.

But, I'm just so .... ugh! Just why? I'm so mad. I'm so hurt. Why does he get to have a life? Why can't I? Do I have to start sneaking around to see Goofball? I do not think so. Damn it!!! I'm a grown woman.

I am really trying to be sensitive to them. I really am. But at some point, my dating is going to cross with them. They have got to understand.

I know (or at least hope) that someday she will understand. This is just one of those things I hate about being a single mom. Blah!

Tis the season!

Best Christmas Video - youtube

I can't embed this but it is one of my faves.

Enjoy!

Another season comes to an end

Dale Jr will be heading over to his new race team for the 2008 season. He didn't end on a positive note but it really was par for the course for this season.

Jimmie Johnson won the Nextel Cup for a second year in a row. H is happy as this is the driver he likes the most. He is the driver I really dislike and not because he is a bad driver. Far from it. I hate to say but yes, he is a great driver!

So now I have to start the count down to the new season. It opens in Daytona and the big event is Feb 17th..... the Daytona 500!!!!!

Stay tuned race fans!

Well it happened!

My daughter is now taller than me. It is just a teeny, tiny bit but she is officially taller than me now. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it would be soon but still when we were both standing in the bathroom and she said, "Am I taller than you now?".... I had a moment of "Oh no... not yet!" but she is. She is 13. It is kinda weird to have a child taller than me but they all will be. There dad is tall. His family is tall. Heck a lot of people in my family are tall too.

But, the day my youngest is taller than me, and he will be.... and probably the tallest of the three, now that will be a weird day for me (good day!). He is just my little baby right now (5 yrs old). I just am amazed by him daily....

Anyway, one child taller, two more to go.

Quote of the Day

Have you noticed in my sidebar the quote of the day? If not, here it is for today.

Quote of the Day
Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life.
John F. Kennedy


When I divorced, I vowed to myself that I would not settle for second. I would not lower my standards for anyone. I deserve to be treated a certain way. I deserve to be happy.

And, that is what I have set out to do.

I just thought it was a good quote for today and how I have been feeling.

More Therapy

So last Monday, I started going to counseling again. Actually, this time it is me and the kiddos. However, being our first session, it was mostly about me and the kids had to sit in the waiting room most of the time. They were not happy but mama has got to get her head fixed first.

I got a ton of great info and support from it. I feel such a relief. I huge weight lifted.

But, I guess one of the most freeing things I got from it was the information he gave me about codependency. This was something I was very worried about when I started dating. I know myself and I know I can be very codependent and very clingy.... and really aren't they pretty much the same thing. (at least to guys)

So anyway, talking with him, he gave me a hand out about codependency. I was so surprised to see the characteristics and the signs of being codependent. That used to be me! I felt so awesome as I read through the list.

Signs of Being stuck in codependent patterns are:
1. Focus only on the behavioral needs of partners, rather than our own.
2. We elicit behaviors from our partners which reinforce our belief that they need us.
3. We constantly misinterpret their needs, their wants and their feelings for our own.
4. We consistently behave toward our partners in ways which maintain their neediness.
5. We misinterpret our own behavior as loving, when we are actually manipulating and controlling.
6. We interact with our partners in codependent ways rather than interdependent ways.

This next part is the part I really see myself in. Almost every single one of the below, I can say yes, oh yes, Definitely me.... or I really mean "old" me.... Not at all me now.

Then Codependent Characteristics are:
1. Come from dysfunctional home where emotional needs were not met.
2. Received little real nurturing and tries to fill unmet need by becoming a caregiver.
3. Terrified of abandonment and do whatever is necessary to keep a relationship going.
4. Nothing is too much trouble or takes too much time if it will "help" the one you love.
5. Accustomed to a lack of love, willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
6. Taking on far more responsibility, guilt or blame in the relationship than the partner does.
7. Low self-esteem and feel undeserving of happiness.
8. Little security growing up with a consequent need to control partner.
9. Much more aware of the dream of how relationship "could be" rather than the reality of "what is".
10. Addicted to partner and to emotional pain.
11. Possible abuse of food, alcohol, drugs.
12. Drawn to people who need "fixing" thereby avoiding focus on self.
13. Clinging to excitement of unstable relationship helps avoiddepressive episodes.
14. Often find kind, stable, reliable persons who are interested in the person, boring.

Some people might argue that I still fit many of these, but I just don't feel it, don't see it. Not like I used to be anyway. I mean I won't argue that to some degree I still could fit some of the characteristics. However, I feel like I get farther and farther from this codependent behavior everyday. I plan to just keep working on it too.

I go back to counseling on this next Monday. I am looking forward to it and I have a list that I am working on of things I would like to discuss. I do still feel a huge burden as a single mom.... but I am feeling the burden shrink. It just took admitting that I couldn't handle it alone anymore.

I love to read

I love reading. I love books. I love words. But, ya know the only thing I hate about reading..... when I get to the end.

I just finished up two books this weekend (actually one just 2 minutes ago). I loved them both. Since I could read, I have. Everything I could get my hands on. Funny thing, it used to drive my ex crazy! We would be at home watching a movie, maybe even something I really wanted to see, but yet I would also be sitting there reading a book. I told him I could do both! I was a good multi-tasker.

Anyway, to my dismay, my children never picked up this habit. I used to read to them. I always made sure they had books. Made sure they saw me reading and enjoying my books. And, when I say I am always reading..... I am.

Well lately my children have started reading. I could not be more thrilled!!! In fact, K is going to a book club party thing tomorrow for the book Twilight. H loves the Magic TreeHouse Books! And L is just starting to read, but he is my only one that has always been able to sit forever and look through books.

So while I don't have very exciting interests and hobbies, I do love to read and the best part of reading is that I can be anyone, anywhere and at anytime. It is great! It is like I have a very interesting life, full of adventure without every leaving my house.

Christmas Music

Is it too early for Christmas Music? If stores can decorate for Christmas the day after Halloween, I think I can queue up the ole Christmas Music (which, yes, is playing right now at my house!). Burn a CD for the car. Singing in the shower. Drive my children crazy with it all.

Well I don't think its too early. I need the cheering up for one. For two, I like Christmas time. What's that? You are right. I do not like holidays that are over commercialized, very true. And, yes Christmas definitely is but I guess I look past that because of the meaning it has to me.

I have to admit here that I'm not uber Christian but I do believe..... something. I always say I'm more agnostic than anything else but it would just really take toooo long to explain what I believe and I didn't come to it easily. But I'm not going into religious beliefs or how I came to be this way.

Let's just say Christmas means something different to everyone even if you are of the same religious beliefs. My memories and my experiences are much different.

Plus, oh people please keep him in your thoughts, my brother (B) will be HOME FROM IRAQ!!!!! Just about a month more and he will be back at Ft. Hood!!!!! This is why this Christmas is so important. Also my younger brother (J) said he would come home when B comes home. J lives in Colorado with his fam.

This Christmas will also be a little sad. It is the first time I will be actually handing my children over to their father for the holiday. Well actually, I shouldn't sound so down about it, I am actually giving them over the day after Christmas but whatever. It is time I get used to the idea of this though because this is my life now. But hopefully this arrangement will work for everyone. He gets them the second half of the Winter Break.

So really the question and the reason for this post, is it too early for Christmas music?

Life update or just random crap

So I haven't written here for a week now and really my blogging has all gone down hill.

I have a ton of notes and ideas, but that is as far as my brain will let me go.

I have been amazingly stressed, busy and physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm disappointed with my life and happy at the same time. How can something be so right and so wrong at the same time?

It is really hard to live life. Even harder being a single parent. Even harder when the other doesn't help. Even harder when the support you thought you had suddenly disappoints you.

And don't get me wrong, I do not for one second regret getting divorced. My life, though hard at times without that partner, that support, that companion, it is 100% better than it was with him. he was just the wrong person for me.

Anyway, with the kids showing all kinds of signs of distress and my own fragile feelings right now, I contacted our Employee Assistance Program representative and got the ball rolling for some family counseling. K is resistant to the idea. I said if she resisted that I would beat her with it. She said, "with IT".... yes I know what I said and I did mean that. I would beat her with her resistant attitude. See I always say dumb things that. It keeps the kids guessing.

So anyway, taking steps to right the wrongs, fix the owies of our hearts and hopefully I can shake off this funk!

So that's life right now. Wish us luck at therapy! We need this right now.

I'm back and a party

Sooo I made it back after a very successful work trip. Had an awesome time in New Orleans. Good food and good people. I did miss Goofball while I was gone... I know its weird because its not like I get to see him everyday. Lately it has been once a week.... sometimes twice a week and even sometimes not at all in a week.

Anyway, came back last night (Friday) and today we are having a party.... K is having a party. So I have a house full (ask Goofball) of kids.... ranging from 14 down to say age 5 (my youngest). It is fun.... Goofball came over. Sooo cute, he wore a costume. I think he had fun laughing at the kids or me, I'm not sure which. Either way it was great to see him.

So the party is going on all around me. Since most of the kids are 7th and 8th graders, and there are boys and girls, it is a lot of drama. They keep running from the back yard to the front to the back to the front.... And the girls keep running in groups to K's room and the bathroom. They boys keep trying to scare the girls by hiding and then jumping out. All of them have their cell phones and keep calling other kids that aren't here and kinda bragging about how they are at this party.

There is about an hour left before I start kicking people out. And, I can't wait! I'm exhausted.

Soooo that is the news from my edge of the world.

Travelin' for work

Tomorrow I'll be back in New Orleans for the third time in about 6 mths. Not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not. I mean on one hand yeah cuz they have great food, it is a different city and I get a break from the kiddos. But, then I will be working my tail off! and I will miss my kids and while I don't normally see Goofball during the week, I know I will miss him in a way too cuz I know I'm hours away. I know I'm weird, oh well.

Anyway, back this weekend.

EJ has left the building.

Another saturday night and.....

I'm an affectionate person. I like to touch, kiss, hug and I like to be touched, kissed and hugged.

My ex was not. He didn't hold my hand. The few times he did, I could tell he didn't want to. So it just felt wrong. He kissed me but only to initiate sex.... and then it was over as quick as it started. He didn't kiss me during. Just some kissing before and it was over. Now on this note, I have never had sex with someone that I didn't like to kiss so this was something that changed in him really quickly. We used to kiss a lot when we first started dating but.... it didn't last even the first year. Then on the hugging. He would let me hug him but rarely did he put his arms around me.

*sigh*

Oh well moment over.

So tonight I enjoyed all three and it was so nice. I think it makes the sex better too. I mean for me, not sure if it does for him.... (grin)

Anyway, another wonderful, amazing night with Goofball. He looked damn sexy tonight, more than usually.... Yum. I was having a really hard time tending to the food because really all I wanted to do was drag him to the floor or the bed or where ever. I had to have him.

Thanks for a fun night, Goofball. Glad you enjoyed dinner and dessert. It was fun to cook for you. I'm glad everything turned out okay... I wasn't too crazy about the chicken though it wasn't terrible. Next time something with beef. I like beef. I'm from Texas. :)

Anyway, I get the kiddos tomorrow at noon. Gotta drive up half way and pick them up. I'm enjoying my break but I will be glad to get them back. I'm having some weird mommy guilt over handing them over to a man that had just an hour before threatened my cats and then just before walking out half joked about not giving me the kids back. WTF?! So I will be anxious to get to the pick up location and then get my babies back where they belong.

Oh and I'm complaining a lot about money lately but mostly because Dec 25th is just around the corner. I don't really worry toooo much about money. A little but who doesn't? But, right now I'm feeling the pressure of the Big day. It will be fine though. I am just going to work a plan and stick to it. The kids really don't need much and I have already let the big kids know things will be a bit tighter than normal. So we shall see.

And that in a nutshell is my Saturday night. Of course I'm singing "Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, I got some money cuz I just got paid..." Love that song!

Another random 7

Aimee over at GreebleMonkey tagged me with the 7 random facts. (Kisses, Aimee!)

Before I get started I wanted to talk about this PIM thing aka Psycho Internet Moms. Now I can't remember who started this, I'm thinking Julie's hubby did. All I remember is it was a hubby.

Anyway, so these PIMs are some of my best friends. They have been in my life for nearly 6 yrs. Wow, has it been nearly 6 yrs??? I guess so. They are my support system when I couldn't share with my family and felt all alone. They have been there for so many things. Talked me through my moves and divorce and my depression. We have shared pregnancies, births, deaths, illness, new jobs, new homes, new pets, recipes and sex stories. We have shared children's firsts, tips on parenting, tips on cleaning, tips on tipping and pictures and so much more.

I can't wait until the day I can say I have meet each and every single one of you.... and I'm getting close!

Okay enough mushy on the random 7.

Not gonna post the rules, ya know 'em, right?

1. I have been to just over half the states in the US. Most of them in a car.

2. I am a horrible speller and I have a lot of trouble with phonics. I can't sound out words. I have tried, tried, tried. I just can't.

3. I'm a really bad house keeper. I hate cleaning! (which is what I'm suppose to be doing right now).

4. I have all kinds of weird things I say. Some are quotes from TV shows, movies and commercials. Some are things we said growing up and then some are just picked up here and there.

5. The same doctor (at the same hospital) that delivered my mom, delivered me and my two younger brothers.

6. I sing in the car. I sing in the shower. I sing all the time. Simon would put on the list of the World's worst.... that's okay, I just don't sing in front of anyone but my kids!

7. I want a dog.


And, that's it. I will not be tagging anyone. Feel free to do it on your own. Let me know if you do! I would love to read it!

Can you hear that?

It is the sound of mom getting a much needed break!

So the dad came alllllll the way from The Big D to get the kiddos. I wish I could say I was happy about that. Oh I am but it meant having him in my house. He has always been an ass about my cats and my housecleaning.... and my weight and a ton of other issues that I could see the gears turning in his head.

As it is, he told me that if he had these cats, he would have fed them to a couple rottweilers. Seriously? You're an asshole!

I don't care. I get a break. I have been so busy at work. Beyond busy! So I really need the rest.

Gonna spend time relaxing (read - sleep), some cleaning and then some time with Goofball too.

That's it. That's my plan. It sounds excellent to me.

FYI - I am going to be uber busy from now until Thanksgiving so if I'm not commenting to your blog, its lack of time and energy, not lack of interest!!!!! And, if I'm not writing much in my own, its pretty much the same reason. I'll be in New Orleans next week! Goooood foood!

I'm been hit.... save yourself!

Ha, ha. Just kidding.... sort of.

Margaret tagged me with a randoms thing meme. Thanks sweetie. I'm going to forgive you because you are still walking around in the lovey dovey, fresh from your wedding day fog. Plus I like ya!

So here are the rules..... Players start with eight random facts and/or habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged and to read your blog.

Okay so Margaret broke the rules and I plan to as well.... but you will have to wait until the end to see what the broken rule is!

Gosh this is going to be hard because I think I have shared most anything I can think of.....

1. I guess first I will say, I didn't have a wedding ceremony. Justice of the Peace with his boss and some random court house worker that just happened to be in the wrong place, wrong time as our witnesses. Who would have known it would end in divorce?!?!

2. I don't like the smell of microwave popcorn..... at all!

3. I love balloons.

4. I crave information. If I don't know about something, I research. I read. I have to learn.

5. I only get my haircut maybe twice a year.... sometimes, just once a year. But, I do cut my own bangs.... a lot!

6. I do not like scary movies. I also can't stand this time of year when they show all the Halloween movies.

7. I love snowmen! That is my favorite "winter" thing. I could decorate my whole house with snowmen for Christmas/Winter.

8. I love pajamas! I wear them a lot.... a lot, a lot.


Okay so there are my 8. Now I am suppose to tag 8 people.... but here is where I will break the rules. I'm not going to tag anyone. I will say, if you want to do this, do it and leave me a comment so I know to visit your blog!!!!


Enjoy.

Bring on the rain

This song is sung by Jo Dee Messina. It really explains how I feel right now.

Like gosh, I got through another crazy, stressful day... what more could go wrong? how much more can I take of this? But, screw it, I'm up for the challenge.... Bring it on cuz I like the challenge. I'm up for it.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

I mean heck I'm trying to teach my kids this very thing. Be strong. Don't let life get you down, don't cry. Stand up, stand strong and keep on truckin'.

Soooo anyway, this was just something I thought of while driving home stuck in traffic.

Bring on the rain.

(Update: I decided to add the video to it.... as you can see....)

Teaching my daughter to date

.... and learning a little along the way myself!

This is something I never really thought we would be doing at the same time, or I mean I never thought I would be divorced and dating. And while my daughter is still a bit young (13), she is starting to have "boyfriends".... with this and my dating, I am trying to teach her. I also find that I am learning with her and from her. My boys, especially the oldest one, are also a big help. To see things through his eyes.... well, it is a fun and interesting learning experience!

So some of the things I want her to know are:

1. Do not settle for someone that doesn't make you happy, that doesn't respect you and that just is very thoughtless. Do not waste time being unhappy. In that same line of thinking, do not be disrespectful and do not be thoughtless. Make this person happy and you will reap the benefits.

2. Pick your battles. Not everything has to be a fight. Decide what things are important to you and only fight those things. It makes you both a lot happier.

3. Understand the difference between busy and busy. If he does not make time to see you and only contacts you when it is very convenient for him, then he probably isn't into you. But, if he truly is busy, chances are he is going to make time for you when he isn't and he will be excited to see you each time!

4. Observe how he is with other people; most especially with seniors citizens, children and animals. If he is respectful, thoughtful and in general nice to them, he probably will be to you as well. Plus it shows he has good character. (or at least I think so!)

5. Respect guy time. It is important for him to spend time away from you and especially good if you show you trust him and respect him while he does whatever guys do. But also make sure you do stuff yourself. Have a hobby or a good friend or some interest that you can do. Being a couple and being together is great, but having some space can make you appreciate your time together too.

6. Let him be a guy. What ever that means for him, be it silly jokes, goofy behavior, watching Sci-Fi, football every Sunday and Monday. It doesn't matter. Understand this is who he is. Don't try to change him. Don't let him change you either. The point of a relationship is to be yourself and this person should bring out the best in you, not the worst.

7. Communicate your feelings to him. Do not drop hints and do not expect that he can read your mind. He may sometimes get lucky and do what you were wanting but it isn't mind reading. Accept it.

8. Do not play games and do not stay with someone that does.

9. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

10. And lastly, decide what things are important to you, such as, good conversation, a good sense of humor or whatever it is. Find someone that has these things. The bottom line is not to settle. There are too many people out there.

I am sure there are more lessons and more things but for me, right now, these are the most important. I want her to know that she does not have to live unhappy, that she can find someone to fit her standards.

These are good lessons for everyone.... I just hope that I can keep her from making some of the same mistakes I did in the past and while I know she will get hurt, I hope this will minimize that a bit.

Good parenting day!

I admit it a lot of my problems as a parent come with my style of parenting. I am very open and honest with my kids. I am very hands off in a way because I let them express themselves and tend to be more their friend then mom, though I do remind them often of my role. I am bad with discipline and often don't follow through as well as I should.

Also I worry, as I have mentioned before, that my kids are smarter than me. If one day they realize this, I will be in some serious trouble!

With that said, I do not think I'm a bad mom at all. No not at all. I think this just works for us and while it sometimes causes me some stress, overall, we do good together.

Today, though, was just a banner day for me. I am floating, walking on the clouds.... Why? Because all my children were good today. They listened. They each had a good day at school. They listened to me!!! I didn't have to nag. We had a really, really good evening too.

I just feel really good as a parent right now!

Bitter... Party of one

Yeah that is me today. A bit bitter. A lot of resentment surfacing today.

My ex text messaged me today about dates for when he would see the kids again. He wrote down the wrong days but I didn't know until I called him to discuss rather than going back and forth on text messages.

Background: He lives in Dallas. It is roughly 4-5 hours away from us.... by car that is. So he doesn't see the kids often because for him work always comes first. Always. And, if you have been reading this blog for a while, you know that they were with him for 2 months this summer. Well they haven't seen him since.

He plans to see them the weekend of Oct 19th.... Not sure if the girlfriend is coming with him but that was his plan. K doesn't want her to come because she wants time with just her dad. She felt she didn't get enough just dad time because the girlfriend was almost always around. Now I wasn't there so I don't really know how much time she was around .... but hearing from all three kids that she was around a lot, just means she probably was.

So back to the phone call.

I was annoyed with him before I even called him to discuss dates for the kids. I was annoyed because he was text messaging me the wrong dates. We had already talked about this. I was annoyed that he had lied to the kids about the last time I talked to him! I hate that he gets to just be the "fun guy" and I have to always be the bad guy... or at least the one here. Plugged in every single day. I am the one that misses work if the kids have a problem.

So we got the dates down and he starts in with the "small talk".... I'm not wanting to do this part. But, he is just going on and on about this and that. He is in school trying to get his degree. He is always competing with me and really when we were married, I with him. He now wants to get into Human Resources.... That is what I DO! WTF?! I have always talked about being in HR. I have worked in HR before and I'm finally back in it. I'm happy.

But, now he wants to do it too....

But, he was also talking about being a guidance counselor which I thought was just wow... not a good fit for him.

Anywho... basically I got really bitchy. My little passive aggressive self showed its ugly head. I was making rude little comments. But they were the kind that would take you a second to realize I was really being insulting.

I'm not a details person so don't ask what I said.... I have no ideas. I think I said he would be better as a Used Car Salesmen and then said something like no you would be great as a Realtor for Ocean front property in Arizona. Then I said something that I wish I could remember because it was goood, if I do say so myself.

His reply was "thanks.... wait? Was that a compliment or a put down?" Hmm yeah. I said that I am still harboring some anger issues. He said, "Towards me?" Hmmm yeeaahhh, hello.

Anyway, yes I'm angry. Why does he get so much time off as a parent? Why does he not have to be here?

But, yeah know, true to my form, I have to end positive. I am lucky. I am very blessed. He does pay child support. He does call and talk to them. Even though he doesn't see them often, he does. And, while I don't agree with his choices, I am happy for him.

But above it all, I am soooo very glad I am not married to him anymore.

Nothing to say

That's it. I just have nothing to say right now. I have tons of little things I am working on..... I have a notebook and I'm writing tons of notes in it.

Anyway. Kids are great. I am doing well. And, just hanging out when I can with Goofball which is always a good time.

Home life could use a better balance and I am super busy at work.... well actually right now is the calm before the storm. It is that almost creepy stillness just before all hell breaks loose.

And really, that is it. No venting, no complaining, no whining though I'm sure I could find something to say that falls into each of those.... but I won't give in. I will just continue smiling and enjoying life.

Wow

I just had one of the best nights. *grin* The perfect walk on the beach weather.

That is all. I just want to remember this night and putting it in my blog, I will at least know what night it was.

Attitude Matters

Sorry readers, I'm not going to vent here today. I know a small few said I could but I feel so .... I don't know... guilty when I complain or vent. It just sounds petty. Truly it is just trivial stuff.

So rather than bore you with my whining and petty stuff, I'm going to talk about "attitude matters." This is a phrase I have been toting all over work lately.

See I work in HR and my primary focus is college recruiting. Compared to where I have worked before, at this company HR doesn't actually go to the campuses and do the recruiting, rather we have teams from all of our departments that do it for us. We train them as recruiters and they bring us the candidates. I find it interesting because basically they are picking the candidates that will later be their co-workers.

Anyway, sometimes people on the teams will whine about the process. Some much louder than others. This past year we have had a lot of changes to our process and to the software we use. Oh btw, I work in the Information Technology department, this is who we recruit for....

So we have this new database software this past year and being that most of the people that should be using it are Computer Science majors, Electronic Engineers and the like, you would think that they would be okay with changes like this. Nay, not true. I find this software easy peesy but they find it very difficult and I really think it is more resistance to change than the actual software.

Sooooo I have been saying in all the training classes and meetings, Attitude Matters. Meaning if we (HR) have a positive attitude about the changes, then maybe the others would feel better about it. But even some of the folks in HR are whining about the change (it came from much higher up).

And, ya know, I have a lot of little stressors in my life, especially lately. Yet everyday I wake up and rather than dread the day for the things I know will be wrong (kid school problems are not solved... so it happens everyday), I will make myself smile, I will make myself be positive that despite anything that could go wrong, it will be a good day. Even when things go wrong, I still try to shake it off and move on forward with a positive attitude.

Granted I may wallow in it a little bit. I may even vent, whine, complain but it is more a purging action. Get out the toxic feeling because only then I can get it out and feel better.

Still I feel guilty over it because I don't want others to feel bad. I mean overall my life is pretty darn good and I know, I know that others have it worse than me. I have my family, a house, a car, a good job....which someone I love reminded me of this week that others live in much worse conditions.

Life is stressful and full of twists and turns, but it is how we deal with it and our attitude that truly matters.

Full brain

I seem to have writer's block because my brain is full. I can't seem to unblock it and even though blogging is how I normally do it.... I can't seem to get what is in my brain out!

I'm stressed. I'm frustrated. I want to scream. It has all caught up.

So I apologize for the lack of reading material. I apologize for the lack of comments on your own blogs.

I just cannot focus.

I'm going to keep trying and I'm going to be venting to anyone else that will listen and just hope that this clears up.

I love blogging!

September 9

September 9 is always a special day for me. I talked about it here last year too. It was a point in my life that changed the rest of it.

To back up, in May 1992, I was out of high school and had just spent the last year in community college and working full-time at Burger King. I wanted to move out on my own but couldn't afford it, wanted to get out of my life so to speak. I felt like I was at a cross roads. I didn't feel like I could go forward, I definitely couldn't go back. I needed to do something big, life changing and then the recruiter called. I think they have ESP or something.

So I signed on up and my date was picked..... I don't remember my original date because that summer my dad's only sister had a liver transplant and I asked to push my date back so that I could be with my family a little bit longer.

Fine. September 9, 1992 it was.

It was a life changing decision. It was a life changing experience.

And, if you know me, making decisions is not easy for me and especially not something this huge!

I'm glad I did it. Sometimes wish I wouldn't have gotten out. It was a good decision at the time for me and my kids. My life wouldn't be what it is now, had I stayed in. Rather than play the "What if" game, I just enjoy what I have.

Fighting, fighting and more fighting

I can't stand fighting. I hate it. I don't like doing it and I hate it being around me.

My kids fight more than any people I know. It wears me out. I am actually physical ill right now over the fighting. Each day, each week, each month as they get older, it gets worse and worse.

There is a lot of frustration with the age gaps. K&H are 19 months apart, L is 6/12 and 8 yrs younger than the other two....Not planned it just happens. The older two are competitive thanks to their father (yes, seriously). I know a lot of exes will blame things on the other but ask the kids too. He used to compare them with each other when disciplining them. "H why did you do that? K would have never done that, would you K?" Seriously a conversation that was had all the time when they were growing up. It drove me crazy. There was other things like this. With friends, grades, toys, clothes. He could turn everything into comparing them and he did it in front of them. It was usually H being the scapegoat if you will and yet this kid turns to the dad every time something happens.

L as just always tried to keep up with them. He is so far behind and right now he is at an age that he can almost do things but still a little physically and verbally behind. He is getting there slowly.

So today for example. I'm asleep. L and H were awake. L comes and asks me if he could eat some pepperonis that we had. I think I mumbled "Whatever".... he turned to H and said that means yes. H said no it doesn't and then they started arguing. But at least left my room to do it. Next thing I hear is L yelling out in pain and crying. I get up and L is doubled over holding his stomach. He is 100 pounds lighter and almost 7 years younger than H. So of course I ask H what happened and he starts in, "you always blame me!" and so then we start fighting.

I walk off because well 1 I had to pee and 2 I wanted to put my glasses on so I could see! (I can't see without my glasses.)

I come back and H is on the phone with his dad. WTF?! I didn't even have a chance to talk to them both. Yes both because I know L is just as much to blame for the fighting.

I'm pissed. I'm seeing red pissed. Now wait don't get me wrong, he has every right in the World to talk to his dad. I just feel like dad gets to be the good guy and I have to be the bad guy. I guess I signed up for this but .... wait a minute! He did too when we become parents. When we decided we would have unprotected sex so we could have a baby...... both being naive not really thinking it would happen the very first time.... but I'm just sayin', he had a commitment same as me. And where is he? 4-5 hours away. See he gets to be the fun dad, that sees them a few times a year and for a long visit in the summer. He gets to telephone parent. Be the Popsicle Dad.

But, I made a commitment to these kids, these people that I will be here for them. I will be here when they are sick. When they need to talk, need a hug, need school supplies or money or a ride somewhere. I get all the hugs and kisses and "I love you"s.....

If it means I have to endure more fighting to have all the other things, I will do it. I just need to vent sometimes because I soooo can't stand fighting. :)

Quote of the Day

I haven't done one of these in a while.... Enjoy.

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

The long weekend and a sick day

I had a nice long weekend. I love my job because I get every other Friday off. This past Friday was my day off. So four day weekend. Whoohooo......

I spent it doing just what I wanted, sort of. Friday was great. Got to spend time with Goofball. Some much needed sex time that is. Gawd I needed that! That's all I will say.

Then napped. Nice deep sleep that one can only have after great sex. Then Friday night took the kids out for dinner. Had a big smile even when Logan was throwing a fit. He is still adjusting to all day without a nap. Takes after his mom.

Then Saturday, I have no idea what we did but before I knew it it was the afternoon and I had done nothing. It was actually kinda nice but also stressful because I had so much to do.

I went to visit my grandmother (mom's mom) who was staying at their house pet sitting while my parents were in Colorado visiting my baby brother and his family. They got some gooood pictures of the boys. Anyway, so visited my grandmother. Showed her the presentation I am working on for my parents' 35 anniversary. She liked it but we started talking about pictures she had. So I called my Aunt and I ended up over there. I got a huge bag full of pictures.

Then on Sunday, got up made breakfast for the kids. They loved it. Then I scanned pictures all day, and cropped, resized, rotated, etc all the pictures and worked on the presentation all day.

Goofball came by and we went out. I was kinda in a weird mood by then. I was looking through family pictures all day and it was weird because there were pictures of my cousin. He committed suicide when he was 15. I think I was around 17 years old at the time. Nobody really talks about him and it is makes me sad. But, Goofball is always fun to hang out with so I was snapped out of it and then I was focusing on not ripping all his clothes off.

Monday I got up and made another good breakfast for the kiddos. Two days in one weekend, they couldn't believe it. Worked some MORE on the presentation.... It takes a long time. My parents were back so we all went to lunch. Then I ended up back over at their house so I could steal the new pictures from Colorado. My nephews are soooo cute! I can't wait to see them again. I would love to get out to Colorado this year.

Anyway, then we just ran errands the rest of the day.

Sometime right before bed H started puking everywhere and I just had a bad feeling. He was up and down all night. Some time in the very early morning, I had a really bad feeling, but it was my stomach. Thankfully no puking for me, just feeling like I could. Sooooo I called in to work. My co-worker sounded annoyed but sorry, I will be no good running back and forth to the restroom for the false alarms. Plus I have zero energy.

So that is my weekend. Good and bad.... at least its a short week!

Busy, busy, busy

I have been sooo busy doing..... I don't know. Just back to school stuff. Work. Working on my parents presentation and hanging out with Goofball.

And, too busy to even blog that today is the 1 year anniversary of my divorce being final. Wow what a great year! This time last year I felt like I was really coming back to life so to speak. I was so tense and so nervous and had little self-esteem. But I was brave and I was strong.

In the Summer of 2005, I packed up my kiddos and loaded the car and then drove from Fargo to Omaha to pick up my dad for the drive home. I really wasn't sure what the plan was. I told the ex I was just going on vacation but I did say I would look for a job. If I found one I was staying and if I didn't, I would go back to Fargo. At the time I wasn't sure would I file or would I try to make it work. I just knew I needed to do something big. I needed to find myself and make myself happy for a change.

I got married young to someone I really didn't know. I had a baby pretty quickly after and then another.... I was lost somewhere in the shuffle of figuring out how to be a mom and a wife.

I hit rock bottom once we moved to Fargo. I was isolated from my family and my comfort zone. At least I had my "girls." This is a group of ladies I meet online. If they were not out there in cyper space for, I would have lost it completely in Fargo. I loved Fargo itself but this is when a bad marriage got worse.

I started to see a therapist and he helped me to get control. Helped me take baby steps, get me back.

He would be so proud. I just know he would be.

And, ya know I am proud too.

By the way, the kids are loving being back in school. Okay maybe not loving it but they aren't bored all day. L is in Kindergarten and is adjusting to not having a nap. H is in 6th and had a little tough few days but by Friday was in the groove. K was really upset at first too. None of her friends were in any of her classes but I think she is feeling better now.

Back to school Tomorrow

Well it is that time of year again. It just amazes me how I can check off another year just like that (snap)..... If you have school-aged children, years are not always run by the calendar but by the school year.

My babies are going in to 8th grade, 6th grade and surprise of all surprises, shock of all shocks.... Kindergarten. All three will be in school, all school-agers. Wow.

When did my babies grow up? When did they change into these people?

Ah well, I love it just the same because I get to be here. I get to watch them everyday and see how much they change and grow. I feel really lucky and blessed by that.

But back to school time does come with some stress....

We have been getting them all ready. Most years it has been fairly easy to get them ready. The school has provided pre-packaged school supplies. Not this year. I have been to 7 places and STILL cannot get all the things they need. Blah! I will have to send them tomorrow without everything. Oh well. Can't be helped and by the looks of many of the other shoppers, they will be doing the same.

See on Friday, there was a small group of us that kept running into each other at the different stores. I would see the parents looking much like I felt and we would half smile at each other with that silent understanding. "This sucks ass."

And, today, the day before, I still need clothes! In this district they have standardized dress code. This just means polo shirts and khakis. No big deal but the fact that I still haven't finished has me a bit on edge.

To make matters worse, Sunday is half way over and we are still in pajamas with no effort to get ready. I have piles of laundry to wash, school supplies to label and sort, and I'm running out of time. Surprisingly, though my words sounds stressed, I actually feel somewhat at peace with this. There is just something good about being lazy especially before a big day.

But, tomorrow will come and another year will start to tick by, before I know it I will be another empty nester. I can't even think that far ahead yet.

For now, I will be happy to have them back in school. I won't be getting phone calls all day because they just can't get along. I will be once again helping with homework, projects and cutting my work day short to run kids around to activities and friends' houses.

This is my life and I am really trying to enjoy the moments. Because after all, they are just moments in time.

Noise, Messy house and empty frig....

Ah the kids are definitely back and I remember why I needed the break! :)

My house is always noisy. More noise than I can take some nights. Not just the kiddos though, but me too. I seem to yell a bit toooooo much. Ack! But, read on....

When I get home after working about 10 hours going crazy busy from start to finish putting my heart and soul into my job because I love it!, I get home and the house is like.... nothing I have ever seen. It is disgusting some days (like today!). Now I realize they are home all day because school hasn't started but stilllllllll.................

I just went to the grocery store like less than a week ago. I have no food! Already! Okay that isn't completely true but I can see empty space in the frig and pantry again. Big.Empty.Spaces.

I wouldn't change this for the world!!!!

Stuff about the ex, kids and the summer

I just need to talk this out a bit as it has been bothering me a lot.

So since the kids have come back from their dad's, they have been telling me various stories about their summer. Most of it doesn't bother me or sound out of the ordinary. But there are little things that have me a bit .... I don't know...... bothered.....

One story that is bothering me is that one day K was really grumpy and ignoring her dad (she was upset with him and his girlfriend). So the ex told the boys that they could kick her..... so I guess she was hiding in the closest and the boys were kicking her. Hmm, WTF!?

All of them are talking about being overweight, which yeah true for at least one of them, BUT L is only 5.... and not overweight! Why should he have to hear that? And, I would never, ever, never tell my kids they were fat. I have just talked about better choices, getting exercise. He had them weigh in every week. Not completely a negative but you can't tell me that is positive either.

Then I guess the girlfriend slept over most nights. It is a one-bedroom apartment and the boys slept in the ex's room with him and the girlfriend.... They were on air mattresses. Now it doesn't bother me so much that he had his girlfriend around the kids, but what does bother me about it is that he hadn't dated her long before the kids came, maybe just a couple of weeks. She went to his parents' with them all too.... for two weeks. I don't know, just something about the situation bothers me. I am hoping it is just some jealously because that I can get over, but I can't help but feel it is just a bad situation. Read on....

When the kids were there for spring break, he introduced him to his last girlfriend and while they were with him, he asked her to marry him. They liked her kids and her nephew, who K still talks to. Well three weeks after the kids left, they split up and he moved back to his apartment. That was mid-April..... Then the next time they go to visit him, he has a new girlfriend? I don't know. Maybe I am just jealous.

I have introduced them to Goofball, but not for months and months after we started dating. I don't want to just bring random people around them. But, I guess what works for me and what I am comfortable with isn't what is comfortable for the ex. It just bothers me that he doesn't see them often and then when he does have them, he can't just put his girlfriends off for just a short time. Okay 2 months is a long time but still.... Did he have to see her everyday? Did she have to go with them to the grandparents'? Did she have to do everything with them? Did she really have to sleep over? Have dinner every night? Again, I am probably just jealous but something is still just nagging me about it....

There are other things like yelling at L for having an accident. Making them eat over towels. Threating to spank them if the apartment was even the least bit messy. They said if even one toy was out when he got home, he would go nuts (I completely believe it as he was like that here). Most of the summer, they were alone a lot because I guess the girlfriend had trouble controlling them and she was asked to babysit them. Also once he was stuck in traffic and decided to drive off the road, up a hill (like by an overpass) and around the traffic. What the.....? How is that safe? And, leaving them alone at the pool! when L can just barely swim! Telling K to lie about her age while she is watching the boys at the pool so the ex knew it was wrong to leave them like that, yet he still did it!

And, while none of these things alone really bother me (okay the safety ones do bother me), it is all of them that just grate my nerves.

I know I am not perfect. I know I have trouble controlling them sometimes but I really try to protect them, be a good mom. Everything I do in life, I am thinking about them. I mess up... but I don't know.... I just don't know.

I guess I am just jealous. Why? Not sure.... but that is the only conclusion I can come up with why these things are bothering me.

Feels weird....

I am home on a Sunday night. Actually I was for the last 2 weeks but tonight is a little different. Goofball is going out and I'm not going with him. It was my choice not to go but it still feels a bit weird.

Oh background, he gets out of the house on Sunday nights. Before the summer, I would go out and meet him most Sundays. Over the summer with the kiddos gone, we went out together for all of them.

Tonight I could get out. Tonight he is out and yet I decided not to go because I have a thing for guy time. He deserves it! He works really hard all week and really deserves to just be free.

So, Goofball, I hope you have (had) fun and yes I do want you to miss me a teeny, tiny bit but not enough not to enjoy yourself. (which I'm sure will NOT be a problem!) I do miss you.

No more sexual frustrations....

At least for tonight.

So Goofball and I were able to get together tonight. It was sort of an anniversary. One year ago on this date, we got to meet for the first time. Call it our "Meet-n-Greet-iversary" (Ha, ha, actually thought of that over dinner but missed the opportunity to say it then!)......

Last year was my Friday off so we met over milkshakes after chatting online for almost 2 months. It was a really nice meet and greet. He seemed nice and well the rest is history as they say.

We went to dinner, ice cream (of course!) and sex. Niiicee. The last was a surprise thing we hadn't planned on. But, oh so good and oh so needed.

So anyway, it was a great night and the sexual frustration is lessened. Thanks, Goofball.

Blogging Naked

As requested by Jenny at Mama Drama. Though I'm not sure she wanted a whole blog entry dedicated just to this idea probably just a link to one entry that I had already written. Well since I'm not really great at following directions, at least not word for word, I wrote this.

The idea of blogging naked is to be completely open, talking about your deepest, darkest secrets or things you might not want the world to know. I mean this is the Internet after all. Anyone can read this.

I am pretty open and do not hide much. Also, I feel I have blogged naked before, in the figurative form only, of course. Any other way, I wouldn't tell! Just use your imagination.

The most recent is this one about my childhood. Now I have no regrets about posting this. None whatsoever, but I would feel a bit of guilt if anyone in my family saw it, read it and was upset by it. It is not meant to hurt but to heal me. It is history. It is done. It has made me me. I like me. But, this is something did also happened to my family. They suffered too. I just wonder do they have the same types of scars and fears that I have. Maybe not but I am sure they have some.

Then I shared my emotional meltdown. It was a bad day but reading it again today, I wonder was I really that stressed because it just doesn't come through to me. At any rate, I felt exposed, vulnerable. At the moment I wrote it, I was really weak, broken and upset.

Well and at one point I discussed my sex life and likes/dislikes....

My "failed" marriage.... here and here and here..... and many other places too.

And, really just so many others I am sure.... I hope that I continue with as much honesty and integrity as I feel I have in this blog so far. I plan to continue to blog naked because it makes it real, something people might be able to relate to and something for me to look back on and see just how far I have come in this journey of mine.

From married with kids to single mom finding herself and beyond!

Personality

Okay last one for the night.... but I thought this was interesting too.

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Are you an easy girl???

Okay I couldn't help it, had to post this one too. For every one I post on my blog, I have probably taken 3 other quizzes.

Don't ya feel special!?

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Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You An Easy Girl?

Only 33% Bitchy

I'm at it again. I can't help myself, I just keep doing these.....


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You Are 33% Bitchy

You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts. Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!

How Bitchy Are You?

I have cool kids

Wow. I cannot believe how much my kids have changed over the summer. Really they were always this much fun but oh how I appreciate them a lot more this time.

So the older two and I just got done with a few hands of Uno. It was a blast! We were just cracking each other up! They are getting to be more like people, not just little kids. It is really great.

Even the little one is just really neat to hang out with. He says the funniest little things. He is also finally old enough to start really playing video games and that is what the three of them are currently doing. This is something that was always a part of my family growing up: games. Both board games and video games.

My dad has always been big into technology so we always seemed to have gaming systems even before they were mainstream. We had some weird thing back in the late 70s. I can't remember the name.... Fairchild? maybe or maybe that is some secret government mission. But, anyway, I just remember something about a machine that my dad hooked up in the TV shop that my grandparents owned and you used a joystick thingy and it drew colors all over the TV screen. Not really a game but when you are somewhere between 5-7 (I can't remember how old but I know it was in this time frame) that was a cool thing.

And we always had board games and card games or we were outside inventing games which my kids do as well. We still play games at almost all family gatherings.

And over the course of the years, I have packed and moved 3 very large, large boxes all full of games. It has been reduced since then but we still have a ton of games in our house.

Sooo anyway, I just had a great, great night hanging out with my kids and it was awesome!

I know that they are older now and as they get older this will not always be the case, so I figure, celebrate when I can.

Oh and as I have been writing this, they have started to fight. But, I'm still smiling because I know that I am still raising really great kids.

My life is....

Well almost perfect! That is about what I would have guessed too. (last one for the night! Promise!)

Your Life is 85% Perfect

You truly have the perfect life. And you probably feel like the luckiest person in the world. You have a great career, family, and personal life. You have it going on!

How Perfect is Your Life?

My eyes should be....

Exactly as they are. Though mine look almost nothing like the ones in this pic, mine are just the same color... sort of... brown.

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Nice Sunday Afternoon

So today was a really nice day. We had a pretty relaxing weekend in general, except for Saturday evening which involved a lot of running kids around.

Anyway, so Saturday night I was let in on a little secret. Goofball was going to visit us the next day. He told me in a way that made me smile and get that giddy feeling in my stomach. He was going to come hang out with me and my kids. Wow. It may seem like a little thing but its not. To me, well this is kinda big. I mean I really appreciate him coming all the way out here just to hang out with us.

It turned out to just be me and my boys. K had spent the night at a friend's house and the mom called to ask if they could all go to a movie. SURE! I'm glad she has a good friend to hang out with. Actually she is quite popular but whatever....

So Goofball, the boys and I played Phase 10. The little on got bored and went to watch a movie. The rest of us continued to play.... Until he won.

We then hung out a bit, fought the obvious sexual frustrations we were both having and then we said good-bye.

And so here I sit, smiling with appreciation that he would just come to hang out. Smiling because I enjoyed the afternoon with him and my boys. And smiling even more knowing at the end of the month (or sooner if I can find a way), we can deal with this mounting sexual frustrations. That should be a lot of fun.

I love Texas

I have never really been able to explain just why really. It is just a Texan thing, I guess. Or maybe it is because I have a strong historical background with Texas. First my great (x a few) grandfather was part of the fight for Texas Independence. (Here is another link about him!) I have other ancestors that had a mark on Texas. Then I was born on Sam Houston's Birthday and Texas Independence day. And, my parents made sure that we knew Texas History. We would take day trips or overnights all over Texas. One because it was all the vacation we could afford back then but two because I think they took great pride in our history as well.

This song by George Strait is great and in my opinion is a great song about Texas. This slideshow someone put together to go with the song is great too! I got goosebumps when I watched it and I already get choked up when I hear the song.

Enjoy it!

The lotto dream

Okay admit it, we all have one. I do. You do.

But, I used to kid myself, make myself believe that I would continue to work after I won. I would need to stay busy after all, right. And, no matter how much I won, I would work.

Bhahahaha! (laughter heard round the World)

Yeah, maybe, just maybe that would be true.....But, I seriously doubt it and especially not after the last couple of weeks at work.

I seriously have been coming home emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Not to mention my drive home is plagued by the most horrible traffic known to man. Okay it isn't thaaaat bad but it is very near close.

And, now that my babies are home, I don't want this kind of feeling. I want to come home and enjoy them. I don't want them to have a tired, stressed out mommy to deal with and then wish they were back with their dad and his girlfriend who both had far more time for them then I have in a loooooong time! (And no I am in no way jealous, I'm just saying they were able to be home for them and make dinner and be a "family"). K made dinner tonight!!!! I was sooo thankfully to her. She is a good girl.

And, then there is a day like today, I got to see Goofball at lunch. Oh that was nice to see him. Yeah and I'm acting like I haven't seen him in weeks when really it hasn't even been a week yet since the last time. Anyway, he looked amazing! even more than usual. Could I separate work and him for even an hour? Not very well and I feel a little bad, not completely because I know he understands but crap, I didn't even tell him he looked nice. Have I mentioned he is the first guy that actually makes me all over hot?! No, I haven't? Oh well, I have a hard time keeping my hands off of him, but whatever.

Sooooo anyway, do you think it is a good thing that work has me so drained? Would you call that a good day at the office? I know I will have to get to bed earlier tonight or I will NOT wake in the morning. Plus I want to have breakfast for a change that isn't a bar. No not alcohol but like a nutritional bar thingy.... I think I will need the fuel to get through the day.

Voodoo Doll curses?

When we were in New Orleans in June for work, we had a scavenger hunt. One of the items was a Voodoo doll. Well most people, I think, didn't keep them or even attempt to "put a curse" on someone. However, one of my co-workers did. Why? Because she was drinking a bit tooooo much. She was also pushing my buttons all night but that's another story.

So fast forward to today.... All last week and so far this week has been kinda the whole Murphy's Law at work. If it was going to go wrong, it has.

One of my other co-workers and I decided it was B and her voodoo doll. So if that is the case, how the heck do I get rid of the spell?! Or at the very least, please just say a prayer, cross your fingers, say a chant.... whatever that the spirits that I pissed off, have found enough revenge that they move on to the next victim.

:)

They're BACK!!!!!

I was soooo excited to see them, I got the half way point almost an hour early. So I ended up driving up further to meet them.... Totally worth it!

They loved the balloons!

It is soooo good to have them back!

120 balloons later....

I bought a bag of 120 balloons. Guess how many I blew up?? 117 officially. Two had holes and one actually exploded in my face. That was not fun!

Sooooo I think I'm all ready for my babies to come home.

They did put in a request for some songs to listen to on the way home, so I'm going to whip up a CD really quick and then try really hard to get some sleep!

I'm sooooo excited!!!!!!

A partner

So this was inspired by a conversation with Goofball.... We were just chatting and as conversations sometimes do, it evolved and what it evolved to was our exes.

He said something like all he was looking for was a partner (with her). I didn't say what I was thinking because he was talking and then the conversation changed a bit before I could say, yeah me too.

I am not sure his definition of a partner but for me it was someone to share the load and life and memories. See me, I am a working girl. I like to work. I don't even mind being a Working Mom. Its a good thing for me and my family.

How do I know? Because I have done both. When I first became a mom I was in the Navy. The first two kiddos were Navy Brats. Born at Pensacola Naval Hospital. So when they were just 6 weeks old, they went to a home care provider. It worked for us because thankfully I had a good one (actually the first couple were a disaster but finally found a perfect fit.) Then they went to a day care later. I worked until they were almost 9 and 7 years old, and my new little one was 11 months old. He got lucky and was able to stay with his Nana for the first part of his life.

Well in 2003, we decided it was best for me to stay home for a little while. I had been laid off and the jobs I was finding would just barely pay the day care bill. It didn't make sense.

I thought "Wow staying home would be pretty easy after working." Not easy in that I would just be lazy but just easy in that I wouldn't have to do all the things I already did PLUS work. Because I did 95% of everything anyway. He pretty much washed the clothes. That's it. I still had to put them away (which I didn't do all the time). Anyway, I was surprised at how tough an adjustment it was. Going back to work later was a snap compared to the transition to staying at home..... Though I did enjoy my time at home and really it was easier than working and doing all the kid stuff and house stuff.....

So I stayed home for 2 year. What I did at home was.... everything. All I asked was that he made a mess, he would clean up after himself. Like if he decided to make himself a different dinner or maybe a snack. But, I made all the meals. I cleaned the house everyday. I did all the grocery shopping. All the kid care. Everything. That was the deal for staying home. Oh and we lived in Fargo so I shoveled the drive a lot..... He did sometimes too.

When I worked, he did the laundry and when we had a yard, he would do that too. But, we rented a lot so normally didn't have to worry about that. We did sometimes split the cooking when we both worked, but I still did pick up/drop off of the kids about 95% of the time too. A lot of times I would get home with the kids and he would just be at home half way through a football game on the Playstation. No dinner started. And, why couldn't he pick up the kids?

But yeah I think that is what we are all looking for; a partner. A relationship that is give and take..... and not just one person giving and the other taking.... but equal giving and taking.

Reality being what it is, relationships aren't always balanced all the time... Sometimes one person needs more because sometimes life circumstances cause the relationship to tilt a bit. That's okay, I think. Because I believe that if it is a good relationship, that it will balance out in the end.

I just hope I get it next time around.

End of Summer.... sort of.

Okay so by the calendar, its not really the end of summer but it is for me.

My kids come back on SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And while I really can't wait, it also means that the already limited time that I have to see Goofball is now cut back again. While my kids have been gone these two months, he and I have enjoyed a lot more time together because I could fit my schedule to his. Now we will have to try to match schedules again.... which is really what we were used to and I will admit, I feel a bit spoiled by the time together. He just left and don't tell him.... okay I know he reads this.... but I cried when he left.... why? Because I'm a girl! Sometimes we do that.

I have really enjoyed this summer. My time alone, time with Goofball and just doing whatever I wanted to do. I was having serious financial issues before the summer. Now I am back on track. Very good in fact.

Well now I am going to start decorating the house for the kids return. Wow, do I remember how to be a mom?? I have to cook dinner and fed people other than just myself (and the cats)... so I am going to hang streamers and blow up a ton of balloons so that when they get home, they will know I missed them and that I am very glad they are back! I will get something special for dinner and maybe even get/make a special dessert.

So that's the end of my summer.....

Did you know.... Shift Happens

Something they showed in a meeting today as we gear up for our College Recruiting.

A case of the Mondays

Do you just wake up and think, this day is going to suck?

I almost never actually think that, and I didn't today either. While I do whine and complain sometimes, overall I see the glass as half full. I look at things mostly through Rose colored glasses and fully believe that I live under a rock. I hate conflict and drama and all things change. I like things to be even and steady, no surprises.

So my weekend started out great. I went over to my parents for a bit. Hung out. Got free dinner. Always a good thing.

Get home.... check my work blackberry..... WTF? I forgot to do something big! I didn't order catering for an Intern Event we had in our California office for the night before. And why did it take you all day Friday to tell me???? Not that I could have done anything about it but now I have to think about it all weekend.

The rest of the weekend was fine. Just didn't sleep much Saturday because I slept over at my parents so doggie sit for them. Hard to sleep in a "strange" place.

Sunday night was the highlight of my weekend and really my week, always.

Then Monday morning rolled around. I woke up with the worst headache ever. Not from a hang over, you have to actually drink alcohol for that, right? No just sinus pressure and maybe a little dread over the day.

I had to sit through Intern End-of-Summer Presentations, which actually I like. It is one thing I truly look forward to with the Summer Intern program. But, it meant being out of my office pretty much all day.

So I get there thinking that my worst problem would be that the room we were using for the presentations might not have a telephone for dialing in to the conference bridge that I had set up so that anyone that couldn't make it to the presentations in person could hear them and there is a link so they can view them (Meetingplace is the coolest thing).....

Well I get there. Telephone. Oh perfect. Oh look a microphone too, hadn't thought about that. Double perfect. Oh this is going to be GREAT!

Well it was time to get started so I dial up the meeting..... "This is not a recognized ID. Please try again." WTF? Are you kidding me? Okay don't panic, maybe you dialed wrong. Try again, smiling still. No dice. Crap, crap, crap..... Come to find out somehow my meeting got canceled in the system. How? I don't know. Usually I would get something, but nada.

From there things just got worse and worse. It was like Murphy's law.

But, ya know, none of the problems were in my control. I just had to laugh them each off. I survived. The presentations, themselves, were awesome. The Interns really rocked them out. Great, great job all of them! I thanked them for being flexible with the changes and problems. Thanked the managers, supervisors, mentors and co-workers that came out to listen.

Then I went back to my office. I got very little actually done.

But, the one thing I needed to do, check the phone bridges for all the rest of the Intern Presentations days (6 more days worth) worked. According to the Helpdesk, they are all present and accounted for. So crossing fingers that we don't have a repeat. I changed a few of the other problems we had (not enough food, not enough drinks, forgot to have a timekeeper)..... and then hope that the other problems don't come up either.

Soon the summer will be over. We will be back to College Recruiting and the Summer Intern program for 2007 will fade and the 2008 season will look so far away!

I can't wait!

That kiss

Have you ever had that one just amazing kiss (or kissing session) that just sends chills through your body and you can barely hold yourself up so you just completely lean on him and you can feel it through your whole body from your head to your toes and for days after when you think about it your stomach gets that butterfly feeling and you get all warm and maybe a little giddy over it?

It has been a really, really, REALLY long time for me. So long in fact I can't even remember..... Maybe it was that first serious boyfriend that I mention sometimes, JJ. But, I don't think my ex-h and I ever had something like this..... and JD.... well really that was all lust so maybe, but I can barely remember what he looks like let alone what kissing was like.

But very recently I had the most amazing kiss(es). Like the kind I described. Just amazing. Still thinking about it. Hoping for a repeat.... or maybe something even better. Because I will admit that each time I see him and each time we kiss, it is just better than the last time. And, sex, well wow. After kissing like that sex is amazing because I already feel that all over sensation....... (sigh)......

So ya want to know a little secret. I never used to like guys to touch my face or near my face (like on the sides of my head) when kissing me...... though I have always like hands on the back of my head in my hair (I love having people touch my hair)...... However, now, I love having my my face touched, my hair touched.... just all over while kissing especially.

Gives me the chills again just thinking about it.

So anyway, just something I wanted to share because I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I don't always share everything but this, this had to be shared.

Alone versus Lonely

and yes there is a big difference!

Having just spent a lot of time being in both of these modes, I will just discuss from my view.

You can be lonely and still be with other people, but you really can't be alone with people around. Lonely is more of a feeling or maybe an emotion. While alone is a place or maybe a state of being.... as in you are the only one around.

Now I don't mind being alone. It really is a good thing. Everyone should have some private time. Time to themselves. Time with their thoughts. When I do have my kids, I do enjoy some quiet alone time. And even now with them gone, I have enjoyed some of my alone time. It is a very good thing.

However, being lonely.... well that just down right sucks ass! I hate feeling lonely. It makes me depressed or maybe I feel depressed sometimes because I'm lonely? (Interesting).

Like I have said, my kids aren't here. They have been gone for the summer. While they have been gone, I have been in a room full of people that love and care about me, but yet there was this huge lonely feeling. My babies weren't there. I'm very lucky though because I know I'm blessed.... just a few weeks and they will be back.

Then there is the single thing. First of all my marriage was nothing more than a legal bond between two people.... at least for most of it. There was some feelings and yeah I have love for him even now... We had history and memories, and I have known him about 14 yrs now. We have three kids together that we share many memories with. But, I was always very, very lonely in my marriage. There was little emotional connection. Happy couples have that emotional connection.

So I don't like being lonely. And, now that I am single and dating, yeah I am looking to fill that lonely void. I don't want to be lonely. I don't think many people do.... some? Yeah maybe.... so what are most single people looking for, you got it right and its no big mystery.... They want someone to be with so they aren't lonely.

The sad thing in my eyes is this. You can be lonely and be with someone. Some people just confuse being alone a lot with being lonely. I guess they think, if they are with someone else (not alone) then that equals not being lonely. Well I hate to burst that bubble, but it is very possible to being with someone and be lonely. I know that from first hand experience, as I mentioned.

Anyway, just my opinion... :)

To keep or not to keep that is the question

So I have never gotten around to going through my pictures to purge the ex from them. But, with kids, can I really do that? I mean I can get rid of the pics of just him, right? But what of the ones with him and the kids?? I should keep them for them, yes? And, what about pictures with the ex in-laws and the kids, keep too?

I mean some of this is really easy. I am making a stack of throw out and a stack of things he might want....I guess the plan is to go through and give him anything with him solo, then on things I have double on, give him the copy and keep one.

13 yrs of memories.... okay well maybe just the first 8, then we used digital exclusively.... so I have already taken care of the digital photos!

Bday cards, anniversary cards and everything in between. Wow!!!

Stacks and Stacks of pictures! Thank goodness for digital!

Maybe when I get organized I will share a few of the really good pics of the kids! And maybe even some of me! ;)

Horoscopes

Typically I look at these as for fun! But do you ever read it and just on that day, at that moment the horoscope writer just got really lucky and wrote exactly what you needed to hear or it spoke directly to your life on that day....

Yeah that happens to me from time to time. How do you feel about it?

Here is mine today:

Overview: Are you having a case of cold hands and warm heart -- or just the opposite? Whatever the symptoms, you're feeling one way but thinking another. It's a good idea to give yourself a timeout until you're more in sync.

And, to answer your question, yes I am crazy. I have never claimed to be otherwise. :)

Spiderzilla!

I may have mentioned a few (hundred) times that I can't stand spiders. I may have also mentioned that I have be seeing them everywhere! (Jenny at least your squid are in the ocean not your car, house or yard.... *shutter*)

Well last night I had the Granddaddy of all the in my house last night!!!!! It was huge for a "house" spider. I haven't had bananas imported in from South America or anything so where did Spiderzilla come from!??

I don't know and no I don't have a picture of it! Though he is in my vacuum cleaner right now, dead, thanks to my cats! I forgive their bad behavior lately for killing it. Good kitties!

They got a nice treat from me this morning.

All the world's a stage.

Yesterday I went to a baby shower for my cousin's wife. So what is she my cousin-in-law? Anyway, sweet and very cute couple! He wasn't there but to hear her talk about my baby cousin, it was cute. They are having their first and its a little girl. Sweet.

So I have four male cousins on my dad's side of the family. This was just one of them. All are fairly newly married couples. L&M have been married since 2004 but live in Cali so we don't see them much. Then there is J&J, they are the ones having the new baby. They were married in 2005. Then M&L married just this April.... and lastly, M&A married in June of this year.

They are all like those perfect couples. They did the away from home college thing, got professional jobs making good money. Got engaged, bought the house and now, at least J&J (the oldest of my cousins at just 30) are starting their family.

They are living that "American Dream" or whatever. Like this is the way you do it..... "Step 1.... Step 2...."

This is sooo not how my life has ever gone and sometimes it makes me upset. Not for any other reason than I thought my life was suppose to be like theirs. It is kinda like when you see Super Models in mags and you think this is how real women look. If that is the case then why is my size always sold out at the stores?

I just remind myself that life is not a script to be followed. Yeah all the world's a stage and we are merely players (Thanks Shakespeare, this is not the exact quote); however, it doesn't mean we have to follow the same script. We can improvise a bit, right?

I just have moments that I need to realize this and I do sometimes envy them their life's but that is their life, their choice. My choice was this: Go to college, hate it, go in the Navy, love it. Find my husband (now ex) in just a week... get pg, get married (yes in that order). Fight my way through the first year, have another baby 19 mths later....... well and you know the rest, I think.

Anyway, it ended but that doesn't mean that my life has ended. Hell no! Just because life isn't the way I thought it would be, I can embrace this new twist and wait for the excitement of my new role!

I can't wait!