In reply to my Navy "regrets"

I posted a meme and one of the questions was "3 things I regret"..... The Exception questioned why I left and why I wish I hadn't. Rather than just post my reply in the comments. I figured I would tell the story here.

1992 I joined the Navy for many, many reasons. Basically I needed a huge change in my life and it was sort of like running away from home but not really. And, not really from home but from my current life because it just wasn't going where I wanted it to. So not really running away in the hopes of getting away from problems.... just running away in the sense of change.

Love it from the word go. Boot camp was actually kinda fun! Yes, fun! I loved the physical challenge of it. I loved the discipline of it. Did not like parts but overall, it was a great experience. Ask me my favorite part and I'll tell you it was the week of Fire and Damage Control. That is the week we went in the gas chamber.....

First duty station was a helicopter training squadron. Over the 3 1/2 yrs I was there, I did just about everything. I quickly became the expert in most of the Admin things. I worked in Student Control inputting student grades, keeping track of flight times and making sure that the pilot-to-be didn't miss a step in training. I also did the new student orientation and helped organizing the winging ceremony! It rocked! I then worked in our Admin office which basically ran the whole squadron. There we took care of the staff and instructors. I did Legal when I worked there too. Oh and supplies and I went from an E-1 - E-4 by the time I left. I earned my Air warfare Specialist wings too! I couldn't fly but it meant I knew about all aspects of aviation. I got to ride in a helicopter which was the best thing EVER!!!!!

This is also when I meet my husband and had our first two kids. So that first 4 years just flew by!

We then went to Norfolk, VA. I worked for Supreme Allied Command Atlantic.... or SACLANT or the bigger name of NATO. This was a huge assignment, I thought. I ranked up again within just a few months of being here.

Let me explain that really quick. You have to be in your current rank for X amount of time and between each the time gets longer (as you move up). Then when you are ready, you have to complete a certain amount of course work and training, then you take a test. Your evaluation, test score and points for certain awards gave you a score. If you scored higher than the cut-off, you were then ranked up.

I had a great experience here too. But, it was also during this 4 years that I knew that I wanted a divorce. I know the exact moment I knew we would get a divorce. December 1998. He rejected me yet another time to watch TV.... I had shaved (if ya know what I mean).... Came to him in a sexy outfit and he told me to move so he could watch his show. He said he would come upstairs after he was done with his show. Well he didn't get any that night or any for the next year at least. I started talking to a lawyer but in the state of VA you have to be separated for a year before you can file. During that time we did go to counseling but were both seeing other people too.

So time, some how, we stayed together. I don't know why. I guess I just decided that this is who I was just going to be with unhappy or not. So we stayed together. But, we just had spells when one or the other of us wanted out. We never quite recovered.

Well he was never very plugged in to the kids. Especially H who some how became the scapegoat of everything that was going wrong. H was the reason I was fat. H was the reason my body had changed...... And, while yeah, in a way its true. I DO NOT blame my child for that nor take out my frustrations out on him for it.... My ex did. He said it ALL the time! He also compared the kids a lot. I also couldn't trust him to feed them well. He just let them snack but never would feed them meals (he has come a long way with this). He never really engaged them in activities and things.... I just felt like it was all me!

So when the time came to decide if I would take orders to a new duty station and reenlist again or get out..... I called to see what was available. I could go to a ship or overseas without my kids. I thought about it and decided that it was in their best interest to get out and move back home. I wanted them to have a more stable life (which after 7 years I feel they finally have).

So basically I got out because I didn't want to leave my kids and I wanted to make sure that I was around them. But also I don't like moving every 3-4 yrs and being in limbo while you wait to pick orders or are assigned orders....

I wish that my ex would have been more plugged in to our family or at least just the kids. Then I would have stayed in.... or at least I might have.

And, another thing I left out, my ex was in but he was medically discharged so that made my decision easier. He was going to be in so I just figured I would get out.

I really miss that life. The structure of it sometimes though. It was like a big family. And, when the USS Cole was bombed in 2000. I cried because that was one of the ships they asked for me to go on. I would have been on it when it was bombed. I felt like I should have been there with my shipmates...... And, the 9/11, I wanted to go back in. And now with the war in Iraq..... granted I would just be on a ship or something but I should be in.

Oh well that is my story.....

PPD Happens

I wanted to spotlight this blog! My friend Jen started it. It was kinda of a evolved thing from a discussion on the message board we both belong to and something I said. And I love her for doing this. Okay I loved her before because she just truly rocks! But, she started this to help women share their stories with PPD and PPP.

This is serious folks. Its real and its not just "baby blues." (Tom Cruise can kiss my ass!) But, there are varying degrees of it from PPD to PPP....

Please, please check out the blog and then send her your stories or experiences with it!

http://ppdstories.blogspot.com/

This will also be on the side bar so you can always find it! Pass it on. Tell everyone. Link to it!

A Meme

I got this from Mama Drama. I wasn't tagged exactly, Stephanie just left an open invitation and it looked fun so I thought what the heck! Why not?

3 things that scare me:
1. Spiders!!
2. Closed in places
3. Not having the right words when someone needs to hear them

3 people who make me laugh:
1. My brothers!
2. My kids!
3. Goofball

3 things I love:
1. My kids
2. Animals (especially my spoiled rotten cats)
3. Texas

3 things I hate/severely dislike:
1. Narrow-mindedness
2. Spiders!
3. When I cry

3 things I don't understand:
1. Narrow-mindedness
2. Money
3. Politics (and don’t try to explain it to me!)

3 things on my desk:
Wk:
1. Calculator
2. Bubbles
3. Eskimo Joe Cup!
Hm:
1. Calculator
2. A Netflix envelope that I need to take to my parents
3. Stacks of bills!

There is more on both but those are just random things!

3 things I'm doing right now:
1. Ignoring my work and to-do list
2. Listening to my co-workers gossiping right outside my cube.
3. Thinking about Sunday night!!

3 things I want to do before I die:
1. Travel a lot! (Alaska, Africa and Australia for sure!)
2. Start my own business
3. Be remembered for making a difference

3 things I can do well:
1. Make my kids laugh/annoy my kids!
2. Type?
3. Critizism myself!

3 things I can't do well:
1. Cook
2. Clean
3. Pretty much anything “domestic”

3 things I think you should listen to:
1. My parents
2. My children
3. Music!

3 things I think you should never listen to:
1. The News
2. My internal dialogue
3. Negativity, especially in the form of my ex

3 things I'd like to learn
1. How to play a few musical instruments. (I don’t really care which just something or at least know how to play the piano better)
2. Computer…. Stuff? Programming type of things….?
3. Cook better!

3 favorite foods:
1. Berries and whipped cream or cottage cheese
2. Hot wings/buffalo wings
3. Just about anything I don’t have to cook!

3 shows I watched as a kid:
1. Smurfs
2. Dukes of Hazard
3. The Brady Bunch

3 things I regret:
1. Getting out of the Navy
2. Settling
3. Not making myself happy sooner

3 people I tag:
1. 2. 3. Anybody that wants to play.

Its the little things

So I am still a bit on edge, didn't sleep well and having a really hard time checking off things on my to-do list today at work!

But, I made a quick phone call and it really cheered me up a bit. Just enough that I think I can tackle my to-do list and finish my day without breaking down.

And, I feel like just getting through today, I will be okay. Then tomorrow, I will just get through it a step at a time and then by Sunday, I should be golden.

I appreciate the call earlier. Nothing really had to be said about me right now (but it was) and no special effort. Just needed a distraction or a laugh or just to hear his voice for just a few minutes. That was just enough.

Okay back to work!!!!

Emotional Meltdown

My day went down like this:

My work day was long. I put out more fires than actually checking things off the to-do list. Plus my motivation took a vacation or something because I couldn't focus. Not to mention my stress over money. I worked late. Called to check on my mom because she had surgery almost 2 weeks ago. Well she asked about the rent. Would I be paying for June since I didn't pay for May.... then she continues on by lecturing me on where I can cut my expenses. Yikes! I know, I know....

Then came home to a trashed out house and wild children. H and L were just running around like crazy. Screaming and jumping around. As an introvert, I get over-stimulated easily! Well then H and L started attacking K. She screams and runs. My house is maybe 1,000 sq ft. So there is no escaping.

Well L starts climbing around and breaks a glass candle holder. Are you kidding me?! Glass everywhere. Yikes!

Then more running. Then L pees his pants. My stress level just kept rising and rising until.... My toilet broke. What? No that has nothing to do with anything except that is when I had my meltdown. I could not fix it. I knew I could if I had the parts but I just couldn't function because of the stress. I tried to super-glue the part just to get by until I could get to Home Depot or Lowe's. Well that didn't work.... well ummm, I really knew that was going to happen, but it was worth a try. Like I said I'm an introvert so with my stress level so high and my anxiety on the edge of tipping.... I could not even think about what part I would need if I went to the store.

I called my dad, very calmly.... Until he answered. I lost it! I don't know what it was but I had reached my limit. My dad calmed me a little bit and said he would be over. But, he also said something that has me still a bit upset. He said that I need to be more self-reliant. Well, yeah! But, I'm trying just today I had it. I just couldn't deal anymore.

I hung up and just cried and cried. Then got myself together so I could clean my house!

Dad came. Calmly checked out the problem. Got the broked part, ran up to Home Depot. Came back.... hugged me this time.... and then fixed my toilet. Wonderful!

I'm still a bit on edge but hoping a night of sleep will work.

Just a vent

Overall, my life rocks. I love my freedom. I love my job. My kids. My friends..... What sucks is money. I still have no good feeling of security here. I screwed up my account recently which cost me big time. It was just a simple error but I don't have enough money to make an error.... No cushion.

Yet I found out that the ex.... who whines and complains about money far more than me just went out and bought a Wii gaming system..... Are you kidding me? I can barely put gas in my car and feed the kids, my bills are always behind, yet you can do that. Please do not whine to me again.

I can say that at least child support is always on time and always paid.

Okay just had to get this out before I explode from the stress.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Well even though I was a bit cranky and I felt like pure crap! oh and the kiddos were hyper little monkeys all weekend, it still turned out to be pretty darn good.

It rained off and on all weekend. I freakin' love the rain! But this has also lead to a lot of sexual frustration. Yeah, I really like the rain. Of course seeing Goofball twice didn't help that frustration and in fact, it left me quite unable to make any kind of decision. I already have a bit of a problem with being decisive. I tend to be fairly wishy-washy or just so laid back, but add to that a huge, big ole helping of sexual frustration, and yeah I was pretty much one-tracked minded last night. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know...." (Fuck?) Oh well. Did I mention I really like the rain?

But, it was great seeing him last night. We didn't really do much but hang out and we got to talk a lot which was fun. He doesn't know but he did get me quite turned on simply by being so sweet to my kiddos too. There is nothing sexier than a man that is good to kids (well and good to animals.)

Then he called me today and asked me to lunch.... "Umm, let me think about that.... HELL FUCKING YEAH!" Forget that I have to drive about 30-40 mins away and in the pouring ass rain.... I'm so there (no not complaining, I'm just saying I wouldn't say no). It was totally worth it. I really enjoy his company and even a few minutes would be worth the drive! An hour was all we got but it was perfect. I just can't wait until next Sunday.

Other than that, the kids and I have just been hanging out, watching movies and playing. They leave next weekend for most of the summer. I'm going to miss them but I will enjoy the break.

Hope you all had a good weekend too.

Happy Memorial Day to those that fought and died for our country! And, in honor of those that are fighting now, because we should do that everyday that they fight, no matter what the reason, they are doing their job.

Everyday Superhero - Smash Mouth

I have a lot of random thoughts that I want to put in to a blog but nothing solid enough to post yet. Mostly its just whining because I have been in a bad mood for days now! or just snarky? I don't know.

So here is just a song I like. Dedicated to all those ordinary everday super heroes! I think of it as a song for those that don't really realize how much of impact they have on others and really at the end of the day, they are just human.



Everyday Superhero - Smash Mouth

Every morning I wake up just the same
Another victim, of ordinary fame
I don't see myself as invincible
It's not... true at all

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

Just a day job, someone's got to do
It's kinda hard when everyone looks up to you
Try to make it look easy
Gonna make it look good
Like anybody would

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

I'm just like everybody else
After all the hype is hard to tell
I keep my game face on so well

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
I'm trying to save the world
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
I try to hide my true identity
But no one knows it's only me

I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Trying to save the world
But never really sure
I'm just your average ordinary everyday super hero
Nothing more than that
It's all I really am

Stuck in the land of the sick

So the youngest has been sick for the last two days. I am going fucking nuts! Climbing the walls. Got cabin fever.

Mostly because I know I should have been at work the last two days. I have waaaay tooo much to do! We have a million things going on. I am not a workaholic by any means but I know I need to get my job done. Sometimes I do work late, sometimes I work long hours but it isn't often.

But, ya know what else I noticed this week, I hate being a single mom. Okay wait, not a single mom, I actually like that (freedom, no fighting! no tension!).... but I hate that the dad lives so far away! The fucker! Oh well, again, he is missing out. But, it does suck not to have a back up. Back up is usually my mom but she had surgery on Monday. Thankfully she is doing well.

L should be able to go back to day care tomorrow! That is good news because we have two large events next week and I need to get back to get everything ready! Catering, gifts, make sure the room is set up, make sure everyone knows where to go! make sure everyone's shirts came in. Get shirts to all the coordinators. Etc, etc. etc! Plus all my other daily stuff.

Somehow I know it will all get done. Tuesday's event will go great and at least I will have some time before the one Thursday, plus its in California so there is less for me to do.

Send get well vibes to the boy and don't go insane vibes to me!

One Year Blogiversary!

One year ago my life sucked hard. I was at the end of my rope or so I thought. One day I looked down and realized I could just about touch ground, so I let go. I let go of my hurt, my anger, my feelings of failure. The hate that I had for my ex for hurting me and the kids. The hurt I had brought myself for the wrongs I did in the marriage. I was unemployed, alone. We had just officially filed for divorce too. Like I said, the end of my rope, but I let go of that rope. Took some risks and my feet touched the ground. Then I just started off on a new path. I shouted "Do Over!" and started my journey.

I never liked to climb rope anyway and much prefer to be on my feet for the journey ahead.

Once I let go, I found a job, found some new friends (one really special one) and really found myself. I have used this blog to document that journey and have grown a lot. It is my own personal dumping ground and place of sharing, sorting and growing. I see other blogs that are used for more entertainment purposes or to share with family and friends their life's. And while mine is not the best written nor the most visited, it suits me well. It is me! What you see is what you get kinda place.

I'm still amazed at the changes in my life this past year. Its just amazing. There are still things to do, places to go and people to see. While I'm not still in that "take risks" place like I was, I'm still very confident and comfortable with who I am now. A year ago, I was lost. My ex really stole my identity or maybe I just gave it up for him because that is what I thought he wanted but not really. See I think he lost himself in our marriage too. I think that is why I had to leave him in 2005. I knew we were both lost, together. He liked climbing rope and I liked walking. Our journey together had to come to an end. As sad as I was to realize that, I was happy too.

And while I'm not still searching for myself, I still have this journey to enjoy. I still have kids to raise, Goofball to get to know better and friends to stay connected too. I still need a place to dump my brain.

Life from here looks good and I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for me! Oh and just so you know, I'm not so naive to think that everything is always wonderful and happy, but GAWD! I really feel free like never before.... and that can just make anything look pretty darn good.

What is the one sound or phrase...

.... that makes any sound asleep parent wake and ready for anything? The sound of a child vomiting or the words, "I'm going to throw up..." quickly followed by the sound of a child vomiting. Niiiiice. So much for that great dream I was having.

It doesn't help matters either if said child sleeps with you and now you can't get back to sleep.

Looks like I will be calling in to work today. Means I will have to work on Friday so that I can get paid for the holiday on Monday. Oh well. No worries.... except for the 50 million things I have to do at work! The two very important meetings I must attend. The Summer Intern Event I need to get ready for. The fact that our "big" boss is here this week and we were suppose to sit down to talk about my new job as well as a few other things we have going on.

But, honestly, I'm really worried about my sick child and he comes first.

I would normally call in for back-up and not miss work but my back-up is down and out from surgery on her foot/leg. Thankfully she seems to be doing well. I was worried. Ya know, no matter how old you are, you still need your mom (okay maybe just me!). I get a bit worried when she is sick or in this case recovering. She is my mom afterall.

Anyway, back to the patient. Hopefully we can get this under control soon.

Just random babble....

I just have a bunch of random babble on my brain.

I guess first and foremost, I had a great Sunday night. I wasn't planning to post about it and well I still don't plan to say much. Why? No reason, just some things I like to share and some things I like to hold in my pocket. I posted his link so that should fill you all in.

I don't know what it was about last night, but it felt really good!

I guess really the thing I want to talk about is fighting. Is it possible to still be tired from all the fighting I did in my marriage even after being divorced for nearly a year and separated for almost 2 years?? Because I am still really tired from it. I don't want to be in a relationship with a lot of fighting. Some is normal, some can be resolved. It is unrealistic to think people that are close that are around each other a lot that have shared space, shared bills, etc.... But ya know daily stress, daily tension and daily fights, I just can't handle.

Well here is the thing that we talked about last night. See his buddy just shacked up with this chic. First I want to say, I got all kinds of creeped out when I met her. Not a good vibe coming off of that chic. They were fighting. It happens. I have moved OMG so many times and it is stressful. Understandable. However, he seemed a little reluctant to go back in the house. Poor Buddy!

He started the conversation out by saying that Goofball and I don't seem to fight, that we seem like a good couple (ha!).... He went so far as to say we should get married (or something like that, can't remember the EXACT words). (double ha, ha!). Goofball and I were both like "Oh hell no!"..... Been there, done that, got the baggage to prove it.

We both pretty much said that we don't want to get back into something because of fighting (other reasons too, but I know my big one is fighting).... Yep, yep!

And, really we aren't together enough to fight. Actually I like what we have because I do not take it for granted. I really appreciate and really enjoy our time together. Especially the sex, did I mention the sex? (sigh....) Sorry got sidetracked.

But, what I didn't say last night is that if I were to get remarried, I would be quicker to find a solution, compromise quicker and be a lot pickier about which battles I want to fight. I don't think I would be such a nag, such a bitch. Really the second time around, I want someone I can enjoy life with. I want to laugh. I want to just have a friend, companion... not just a husband. (Yes I should have had this the first time but it is a must for the second time around)

Now I am still no where near ready to get remarried. I'm not opposed to it someday but I just can't see it in the next year or two being on the top of my list of "to-dos".... Oh hell no. More like a 2-3 year plan before I truly even think about it. I mean life could change but I don't see my thinking change too much.

So anyway that's all I had to say.....

I’m feeling lucky

Ya know on Google when you are doing a search... You type in your keyword or phrase, and you have two options: Google search or I’m feeling lucky.

Well that’s how I feel! Lucky but not lucky in the rubbing the rabbit’s foot, found a four-leaf clover, making a wish on the first star I see tonight, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow type of way. Nope more of the mental, emotional feeling type of way. I feel sassy, lively, and vivacious….. I think!? No wait, confident!

And, I think that’s the way the Google people meant that button to make you feel. I am feeling confident that by pushing this button, I will find just what I am looking for. That the top search, will be my result. Okay I’m not pushing buttons to feel this way but still…..

I just plain feel good, lucky. Do you?

This is not to say that things around me are all lollipops and sunbeams. No sir! More like a bit chaotic. Still a bit crazy and stressful which is par for the course with kiddos, right? But I think the big huge anchoring stressors have been raised and I am free to sail.

The job was a huge stressor and with it the stress over money and benefits and security all gone! It feels good.

Then this next part might sound a bit selfish and heck we all know that as a mother I can’t be selfish, ever! But, oh well, I am a woman too. A woman with needs. People that know me know me so it’s all good.

My kids will be leaving soon to go with their dad. I will have ME TIME! Not to mention I can save money. Not having the day care expense will be a huge savings! I don’t need to buy as much food each week. I don’t have to worry about all the electricity that I’m wasting and by me, I mean the kids. Big savings all summer! The house will stay clean. No whining. No craziness (except maybe when Goofball is around…. But that is more fun!).

Of course I will miss them but that should go without saying.

I have so much I want to do and I want this lucky, sassy feeling to fuel me through it! I have a ton of projects that I want to do around the house. Lots!!!

There are people to see, places to go, things to do and I feel like I could do it all!

The Cracked Pot

Just something fun to share..... of course, I didn't make this up and have no idea who to give the credit to.... So if I stole this from you, sorry! :)

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of it own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream, "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" “That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them." "For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Job Update

I got it! I got it! I got it!!!!!!!!!

Finally some security. Finally some benefits! FINALLY!!!!!!

This time last year I was an unemployed single mom. This year is very different. What will next year be like? Hopefully just more of the same. Get my feet under me a little more. New car, start saving for a little bit bigger house. Some day a real vacation!

Thanks for all the well wishes!

(Can you tell I'm excited?)

Mama Drama - Makeover Contest

Hey all, please visit Mama Drama today!

I am one of them but if you don't know me, I'm not telling which one I am.

Enjoy!

Interviewing tomorrow

This time last year I was unemployed. I had lost yet another contract job.

So the story goes in Aug 2005, I started working at a hospital as an Admin Assistant.... I worked there as a temp employee for about 8 mths. I interviewed for the positions and they hired someone else. That's fine. Next job, I worked there only about 5 weeks before I was told I did not get that job either. Why? I don't know. I think this place would have kept me but I know the boss was worried the drive was too much for me and when I got my degree I would move on.... Since that's what the person before me did. Honestly I would have moved to be closer to that job and I would have stayed forever. I loved it!

Then I was out of work for about 5 weeks before getting my current job. Its another temp job. So I started there in June 2006 so not quite 11 months. I love this job! It is with a major oil and gas company. I'm in HR. I love HR. They have awesome benefits. Awesome pay. An awesome culture.....

So tomorrow I have to interview for the position. There are two other candidates, I think. Anyway, I know I'm a good employee. I am more marketable this year. But, I am still nervous as hell!!!!!! How much would that suck if I didn't get this job? I have been doing it for all this time and have gotten a lot of praise.

I will post an update as soon as I know more but yikes! I'm nervous!!!!!

Lemon Cupcakes

Okay so these weren't made from scratch but they should be pretty good anyway! And, its not because I can't but it would involve more organization and more thinking than I am currently willing to do.

I love this lemon mix by Duncan Hines. It is really yummy. Kind of a light taste, not to tart, not to sweet. Just good.

I needed to do something for myself because I am in a grumpy mood! The kids have been brats. So much for a peaceful day. Whah!

Oh well!

Happy Mother's Day

Another Hallmark Holiday! Don't get me wrong, I love to say thanks to my mom and I do truly think that mom's should have a day to be celebrated but! why does it all have to be overdone! Beautiful Disaster has caught some of my thoughts on it! I mean, GAG! I don't want jewelry. I really truly don't.

All I want for Mother's day is something from my kids. Not really store bought though that is nice. I would rather have a homemade card, maybe breakfast made for me and hey, if they could just pick up after themselves for ONE DAY! Really my biggest wish would just be some peace, harmony and a clean house. I don't want the kids to fight. I don't want to have to serve them or cook or clean for just that one day. That would be enough.

I do get the idea. I truly do. Like Valentine's Day. It is a great idea! But, why commercialize it so.

Honor your mother and all the mom's in your life! They work really hard. (as do many of the dad's but your day is coming).

Happy Mother's DAY!!!!!!

9 truths and a lie

So Aimee over at GreebleMonkey tagged me with this meme.

I have to post 10 things about me. 9 are true, 1 is a lie. Guess which one?!

1. I was in the Navy for 8 years.

2. I have lived in 4 states.

3. I got pg with my daughter within the first few weeks of dating my ex-h.

4. When I was 4 I cut my left pointer finger nearly off by pulling a table saw over on myself.

5. I have a birthmark on my left side of my neck, shoulder and arm.

6. I used to aspire to be a race car driver.

7. I was once arrested for public nudity.

8. I haven't been to a concert since 2002.

9. I love play-doh!

10. I was in Girl Scouts until I graduated from High school.

Now guess which one is the lie. I'm sure people that know me for even 5 mins will be able to guess but still!!!!

So I have to tag people. Yikes, the hard part. Aimee tagged most of the people I know. Oh well. I guess if I had to tag people.... then Trapped, Esmerelda, Mrs. Wheezer, Beautiful Disaster (if you are still reading) and anyone at MamaDrama. And anyone else that would just looove to do it!

Thanks Aimee! It was fun.

Now guess!

Asshole men

Okay let's see. I wrote about Crazy Bitch so it is only fair I define what an asshole man truly is. This is from personal experience and my opinion not true fact. (Ha, ha! like anything I write is, right?)

So I would say the first things that make a guy an ass would be.... Not calling even after saying you will. Just don't say you will if you have no intentions of following through with it.

Then there is the whole "he just isn't into you" type. By this I mean, the only time he is interested is when sex is involved. I have dated a few guys or talked with a few guys that were "busy" all the time unless I mentioned "sex". Then suddenly they had all the time in the world! Just a few choice words and describing what you want, the guy drops everything to talk. If I mention anything else, he is gone again.

Then there is the whole rude guy, so full of himself that he forgets what common courtesy is. The guy that is rude to the waiter/waitress. That may open the door for you (to impress you) but then let's it slam shut in the face of the older lady that is walking behind you. Guys if you think we don't notice, we do! I like to see how you act around other people. Even if you didn't hold the door for me, but do hold it for the mom of two trying to herd a screaming toddler, give the baby its pacifier and push the cart out of the store at the same time.... Then that makes you a hero to me.

Also you think that the whole world should revolve around you. Now I am all about hearing about your day, your life and you. But, sometimes it is nice to have someone ask how I am, how my life is. If I have told you that something important is happening in my life, and you do not take it as serious as I do (meaning you don't ask me about it) then you are an asshole. Sorry. It is about common courtesy. And, yeah I don't need to be the center of attention but some interest would be nice.

If you take me to your friend's house, one that I have never meet and then ignore me completely.... I think that is just plain rude. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to be the center of attention but at least introduce me, at least draw me/include me in the conversation.

If you are controlling, you don't take in to consideration what I think or want or might like.... I mean don't get me wrong, I can be pretty indecisive but at least think about it! Show some interest.

If you ignore my kids, if you are mean to animals.... you don't have to like my kids, you don't have to like animals, but damn, don't be mean!

Just for the record, Goofball is about the opposite of all of these things! He likes to think he is an asshole (at least he says it a lot) and maybe in someways but not these ways. Or maybe he just hasn't shown me yet. I don't know. Maybe I just choose to ignore it!

So anyway..... those are some of my thoughts on it. I am sure there are more things that I'm missing but those are the big ones on my mind.

The story of my youngest, L, just because!

L is my youngest and my most surprising baby! The story is this. I had K quite by surprise, but different surprise.... like some people might call it an accident but I say a surprise. It was something I didn't know that I always wanted! H was another surprise but again, more of the accident kind. I was on the pill. So they are 19 months apart. Not by choice but by some higher plan.

Then after H was born, I started the depo-provera shot. This is a shot that lasts for 3 months. So every 3 months for just over a year, I got them. Then I went on a stronger type of birth control pill than I had been on before. The reason: we were talking about having a third baby so we wanted to get ready for it. With the shot, I didn't have a period and it was very effective!

Well H was a sick baby. Ear infection after ear infection, cold after cold. I swear the child was always at the doctor or the hospital and lived on meds for the first 3 years. Seriously everyone knew us and that is a little strange for military doctors/nurses because the staff changes so much. He had two surgeries, one for his ears(actually had this one twice) and one for his hand. But, by the time he was 3, he was doing much, much better! So we thought, hey, why not try now. So I got off the pills.

Month after month, I hoped and waited. AF would arrive. Damn. Did you know you could convince yourself you are pregnant and even have all the symptoms?

I finally just thought, well that's it. Family of 4. I just didn't think it would ever happen. After nearly 3 years of trying and frustration. I couldn't it anymore. The ex was happy with that because he really only wanted one kid. I wanted four but whatever.

Well September 2001, I went to a new ob/gyn for my annual. This was out of the military and it was a little overdue (usually happens in March... TMI??).

She starts talking about birth control, what were we using?..... I started bawling like a big ole baby. She closed my record and said, "Sounds like there is a story here, want to talk?" (I loved this doctor!!!) After I told her the story, she said, "I think I can help."

She started me on some meds. I was to wait until Oct 10th to take the set. I had to take them for 10 days each month (ovulation). She said in three months we will revisit this and see how you are doing.

Well I explained this all to my now ex, and said, "If you don't want to have a baby, please tell me now or use protection." He did neither. So when Oct 10th rolled around, I started taking them. We had sex one time.

Well the next week, I was sick, sick, sick... I felt like this for a few weeks. So on Nov 4th, I took a test. B.F.P! Holy Fuck I was pregnant! Also saw Monsters, Inc on this day.... so I just knew I would have a girl. My doctor was jumping up and down for me in genuine excitement for me!

When I told the ex that I was pg, he looked at me and said, "I hate you." packed and left. Well great.... I should have let him go. He came back later and we talked. I was hurt and pissed and sick. I always got bad morning (all day) sickness. Anyway, we stayed together.

It was fairly uneventful from there. We backed out of the house we were having built (I should have seen that coming) and bought an older house in Clear Lake. We painted all the kids' rooms and I had a lot of fun!

My mom went to the ultrasound with me.... and guess what, turns out it was a boy!!!! Very clearly a boy.

My older two were 8 and 6 1/2 when he was born. I made them shirts "I'm a big sister, again." and "I'm a little and a big brother." They loved them!

This was the best baby ever. He ate well, slept well, very alert, smart baby boy. He used to actually sleep in his own bed! I could even put him to bed awake and he would just hang out for a few until he fell asleep.

Some where along the way, we all spoiled him freakin' rotten! My mom watched him for most of the first year while I still worked. She spoiled him (in a good way), her dog spoiled him by bringing him toys and taught him about balls (Jack Russell Terrier, she would die for a ball). At age one, I got to start staying home with him! I never got to stay home with the other kids! We then moved to Fargo and it was just he and I most of the time.

The ex and I had problems the whole time and I think we focused all our energy on this kid. Kinda overcompensating for the unlove we had for each other. It sucked.

So anyway, this kid is so spoiled! He gets everything he wants. He sleeps with me. This may have happened despite the problems with his dad and I, he is the baby and he is so much younger than the other kids. So not only do the parents spoil him but the other kids spoil him a bit too!

I realized the other day.... like a big ole reality check. He will be in Kindergarten this coming year. When did that happen?!?!? My baby? No way?

Anyway, this is my angel baby. My especially special one. My last baby. My little boy. Graduating Class of 2020!

Coming soon: The story of K and the Story of H.

Crazy Bitch

What does this mean? I hear guys say "women are crazy".... But what does that mean? Does that mean different things to different people? Is it someone who is too clingy? Someone who plans your future's together on the first date?? A Stalker, showing up uninvited, unannounced? Someone that breaks in when you aren't home, maybe steals a pair of boxers or photographs herself in your bed!? Expecting men to read your mind, not respecting guy time? Expecting perfection? Nagging, nagging, nagging until you just have ringing in your ears?

Yeah I would say all this means crazy bitch!

But, does it mean someone that calls too much? Too many emails? I mean what is too much and then on one hand, umm yeah, I agree! But, on the other, is it really bad? Doesn't show interest.

Read on....

See women think contact/communication shows interest. Just look at blogs by Single Gals, look at the books and shows geared towards single women. "He's just not that into you." What is the main theme here? Well, if he doesn't call, doesn't email, text, surprise you from time to time, he just isn't interested!

Soooo this translates to women wanting to show interest. Hey, maybe some of them over do it! I say play a little hard to get. So interest but don't over do it! Come on, gals. Space! Guy time. Let them breath a bit.

I have been called crazy. I have been called a bitch. But, I have never been called a crazy bitch. And, usually just called that when in a very heated argument. No bigs. I am not the stalker type. I know limits. I respect guy time. I don't nag (much, hey admit it. we all do!). I can do stuff for myself.

So I have also been told good stuff.... Like I'm fun. I'm cool. I'm funny.... blah, blah, blah! Its all good the blahs are not a bad thing here. The point is to basically find a balance that works or just accept that men are going to think that women are crazy bitches. Period.



Coming soon: Asshole men!

Weekend Update (Mostly about Goofball!)

So I feel like blogging/writing something but since I don't ever write anything earth shattering, I figured nobody would mind if I just write about my weekend. Plus I have some Goofball stuff bouncing around in my head.

Friday was a work day for me (I get every other one off). But, I ended up only working until around 1:00. I had to pick L up for speech therapy. After speech, I got him in the tub, ironed our clothes and then got us both dressed for a wedding we had that evening. The big kids came home.... showers (quick!!!), dressed and we were off to my Aunt's house to pick up some of the food for the wedding. Bust butt to get down to Texas City (from Pearland.... easily an hour drive). Almost spilled all the soup in the process. Anyway, got to the wedding. It was great! My cousin looked to pretty!!!! I miss her! We used to be pretty close as kids. She looked so in love. Ah, to have that feeling someday.

Got home around 11:30.... I think??? Maybe it was earlier, maybe it was later either way.... (see next paragraph!)

Saturday game day. Sadly we missed L's game because we overslept. Oh well! Really lazy Saturday though. Didn't move much. H had a game at 6:30..... It was good. They didn't win but did really well anyway.

Sunday. Grocery store, some cleaning, did water balloons with the kids! L broke out in a big rash earlier in the day but was better-ish in the afternoon.

Then Sunday evening, I went to see Goofball. Now I wasn't planning to see him this week but he asked and I can't turn him down! Really I didn't have a reason that I wasn't going to see him, just that I didn't think we were going to get together. I was really happy he asked.

Here is the thing, I'm all about space in a relationship but honestly that's a lot of what we get. However, I think that is part of the reason our relationship works is because we don't get to see each other but a few times a month, so we appreciate the time more and enjoy it. But, this is also a downside..... because it means not knowing each other quite as well as two people that have been talking for 10+ months should....See online helps you get to know a lot of things about a person, such as, likes and dislikes, most embarrassing story or what you did after High School, but you don't get to really know someone. Mannerisms and tone of voice, hand gestures and smell, their walk or that sparkle in their eye..... At least that is my thoughts, don't know his.

Back to space in a relationship, I think this is important for both people. VERY IMPORTANT! Couple time is good, great. And, in a family situation, yeah family time is needed too. But, each person needs some downtime. Goofball really only has Sunday nights as his downtime and while I would looooove to take every single one of them. I won't pressure him for that. 1. because we are still just casually dating and 2. because that is his time. If he asks me, I will see him and if he doesn't I hope he has a great time!!!! Not as great as he would with me but I mean every night can't be perfect! (Ha, ha).

Also he was going to a friend's house last night to do some handy work for her. Cool. He is a great guy, did I mention that? So he was teasing (at least I think he was teasing) and said I wouldn't be the center of attention while he worked. Ha, ha. But, ya know, I don't expect to be when we are around his friends. That is his hanging out time with them and when I tag along, I am just happy to be near him. So I just smile and talk when necessary but otherwise, I am just happy that I am not miles away on a computer. (Emails and IM is fun, but in person or phone is sooooo much better!!!).

Then I hope he doesn't think I'm totally lame for getting too tired on him. I really did want to go to the Cheesecake Factory.... but (and here is the part I didn't tell him), I started having cramps so add that to the tired and I just didn't want to be around other people. So we sat in my car and talked for a little while..... I have to be honest that was the second best part of the night. Of course the first best was having great sex! Did I mention how good the sex is? No? I should mention that some time. Goooood. Can't wait for Friday... hope Friday happens. I never expect it until he is actually here. No expectations, bay-bee!

Anyway, I like talking to him. I still have like a million things I want to talk about but it can wait. No rushing, no pressure, no expectations. I just want to enjoy each moment for what it is and not think about anything else. Yeah I'm sounding all dreamy.... I think its because I'm freakin' tired! Got home late but it was totally worth it because I had a good weekend!!

Hope you all have a good week.

Scars

I love this song by Papa Roach. It really describes my current feelings on my ex.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

This is the part I am mostly talking about. I will open myself to him sometimes because I care too much. Just in general. And, each time I do, I get hurt and I have to sew myself shut against him again.

Then this part.....

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I have tried so many times to help him (mostly while we were still married, now not so much.) I still give him a bit of advise now and listen to him when he needs to talk. I know I will always have some type of relationship with him and I think that's why I try to care. Compassions in my nature but I can't always help him, I can't always be there to listen. I feel like I'm done with sympathy towards him.

And....

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I think that says it all. I gotta move on with my own life and I think I have pretty darn well without him if I do say so myself!!!! It is almost my Blogiversary and I will talk more about my progression from last year to this. Lots of growth in myself and I feel good!

Oh and I love Papa Roach!!!!

Role Models - Part Two

I decided there may be a third discussion about role models as I think it is very important. My children are 12 (nearly 13), 11 and 4 going on 5..... Two June Bdays.

The two older ones are at an age that I think is very important. I can see K starting to pull more towards friends and defining herself. She doesn't need me nearly as much. Her friends are now her source of answers. Her friends are the ones she shares things with. It has been coming for a long time. I am sure I was cut out a long time ago, but it has just recently gotten more defined. All I get these days is backtalk and attitude. Yesterday, I, not so proud of this, got right up in her face yelling at her. Basically just saying to stop with the attitude that I don't deserve. I later apologized and said that was uncalled for but I was not sorry for the things I said, just the way I said them. I can admit I am wrong.

Anyway, I do not want my kids to think yelling is okay. My mom is a yeller (or was) and while I can't imagine my grandmother (her mom) as a yeller, I bet there was a lot of yelling given my aunts and uncle's behavior as adults! They are FUN!!!! (I miss my uncle sometimes).

Back to yelling.

This is not the type of behavior I want my kids to emulate. They already do far too much and I hate it. Honestly it may even be too late to break the habit, the cycle will continue..... Because I don't always react appropriately. "STOP YELLING!!" .... children's "are you stupid" looks facing me as if to say, "Umm good job mom. Yell at us to stop yelling. Here's your sign"

I try, I try, I try!

But, I need a break to recharge. I have had quite a few large stressors lately. Soon I should know more about one and hopefully can put that to bed and move forward. This one may also solve my biggest stressor. Okay stress should not be an excuse but it is a reason.

Anyway, back on track:

So I do not feel like I am a great role model given the yelling. But, I think I'm good. I try to be strong for the kids. They do not see me cry often and when I do it is usually over something on TV, not life. I mean life sometimes sucks. Things do not go the way you want. You deal and move on. That is just reality.

I know that sometimes I like to wallow in my depression and have myself a pity party on here or in emails or in conversation or whatever, but that is my way of releasing it. I used to bottle up my feelings. A few years of therapy and I can tell you exactly how I feel. Once it has a name, I can work on it, solve it and move on. Much better life this way. So even if I write something that sounds like I am just going to slit my wrist at any minute. It is just my feelings at the moment. Like I said, I was trained to deal with these things so I do.

Let's see.... strong, open, can express my feelings. I think those are good things, yes?

I worry about H in this though. I think he is a lot like I was in that he can't express himself too well and bottles things up. Then he will explode. I have tried to apply what I know to him but I think once he gets back from his dad's this summer, I will start him in therapy. Couldn't hurt.

Let's see what else? Fun. I think I am fun. Not all the time but a lot. Like once, I bought silly string, just because and we had a blast with it. Sometimes I get water balloons (ooohhh maybe I will get those today). Last weekend, I got the hose out and was water my grass (and dirt). Well the boys came out so I started spraying them. They loved it.

I also try to show them that you can do anything you want. I went to school for over 4 years and worked and raised them. We moved cross-country... twice during this time and I became a single mom. They saw all that (okay L won't remember most but I hope the foundation is still there).

I have told them that they do not have to go to college right away if they do not feel ready. They do have to work (and I do expect them to go when they are ready, like me). I put a lot of value on work(ing). There are so many different types of jobs and things that can be classified as work. But, if you do nothing (and I mean NOTHING) and are able to work. Well that is just ..... well I don't respect it. Like I said, many things are working but I have known people that literally do nothing all day. TV, video games and they do not move much from that one spot. Not a good thing at all.

I think I will always work. I like to work. Even if I didn't have to, I think I would find something to do. Volunteer probably with either animals or children or both.

I also put a lot of value on learning. I think learning should happen for life and doesn't have to take place in a classroom or structured environment. It can happen by reading, by exploring, researching and by asking questions. Anyway, I think education and learning is important!

Okay so I could probably go on and on with this subject, hence the need for part three.

In general, I think I'm a pretty good mom. I have some strengths and I know my weaknesses. In this I can improve or just know my kids are doomed. Either way I think they are pretty good kids.

So stay tuned for more. Oh and I know I said the next one was going to be about female role models but I decided to do it this way. Better to shot from the hip.

Role Models - Part One

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. With their dad living in Dallas and us in Houston, the 4+ hour drive is a huge distance. With the potential for him to be moving yet AGAIN! I was talking to him today and he said that there was a manager position opening in both Minnepolis and .... well I don't remember the other, Omaha, maybe? All I know is he is going to at least apply and the last time he applied he was the second choice but of course that doesn't mean much. If you're not first, you're last. Right Ricky Bobby?

So since July of last year, he has seen the kids for Labor day, Mid-October, Mid-November, Christmas, Mid-February, March for a week of Spring Break and then April 20-22th when I went to Dallas. This is actually just about every month... but 7 times in 10 months.... Well wow, that's not a lot when your kids are still young and need you, right?

My kids do have role models. My dad, Uncle J, a few of my male cousins who are like brothers and then of course there are my brothers. Though neither of them are here now, they are great role models. My bro, B, is in Iraq. My other bro, J, is in Colorado. Both have kids and both are great dads. I have some friends that could be great role models too. Not just the guy(s) in the relationship but the gal too. My friends B and S are an amazing couple. I don't get to hang out with them much at all but would love to and I think it would be great to be around them with the kids. They are great parents and I truly admire their relationship with each other too. A good couple role model if you will.

See my kids didn't have the best role model of what a relationship should be. We went back and forth about staying together, getting a divorce.... and back and forth and back and forth. At some point you just don't recover from that. Not just that but we didn't fight well. We never seemed to solve anything or at least be able to move on. And, when I say we, I mean him. Yeah, yeah.... its usually the woman but he was the worst grudge holder and would bring stuff back up after I thought it was dead. Well after so many of these fights, I started doing it. I hated this! But, at least I was now fighting on his level. I know, I know two wrongs don't make a right.... but it still felt good.

Sorry, back on track.

Going forward, I will make sure the people I introduce to my children are people I think are good role models. Now when I say that, it is in my eyes they are a good role model and I am pretty critical. I am the judge and jury on who is around my children. This goes for both male and female role models.

My children are my life right now and I want to make sure they are safe and secure, and that they know what a relationship looks like and what not to take in one. You should be happy, period. Not just settle.

Next time: Female Role Models and me.

Today's Horoscope

Just checking my quickie on Yahoo (they have the quickie and the full one)....

Fuzzy thinking is not acceptable right now. Focus on what you need in life.


More on my fuzzy thinking, what is not acceptable and what I need later!!!! I have to think about what I want to say.

Almost Summer

Just a few more weeks of school and then the kiddos go with daddy for most of the summer. What am I going to do with myself? Oh I have plans....

For one I get to work more. I don't mind doing some extra. I like to work most of the time. I mean we all have off days, right? And, sometimes I drag a bit in the morning (not exactly a morning person)... but by the time I get there and get to working, I'm good.

Another thing I would like to do is clean my house, but not just clean, I want to clean out the closest, the shed, the cabinets. There is just junk all over this tiny little house!

Another thing I would like to do is paint. But, not like my house, but get some canvas and just paint. Now by no means am I an artist, just more like a wannabe because EVERYONE in my family seems to be an artist. I am not. I guess I shouldn't say everyone, my dad isn't.... and his mom isn't.... I take after them in many, many things.

What else? I don't think I will be able to but I would like to travel a bit. I want to go see my bro, SIL and nephews in Colorado this summer. I will have a new nephew soon! #3 for my bro and SIL. That is the only must go to place.... anything else would be just extra.

I also hope to have more free time to see Goofball because I don't have to worry about the kiddos. He has a tight schedule but at least I can be open for 2mths for whenever he wants to see me. :)

Other things.... ??? I just don't know! Anything I want.

I am going to miss those kids like crazy but I will not call them. They know how to call me. This is there time with dad. They don't get much so I won't interfere. I will miss K's and L's bday.... I will send them their gifts and will call them but I won't go up there to see them. Again this is their dad's time.

Sooo just a few weeks and I will have free time! Whoohooo! and again, I know I will be missing them like crazy but it is only 2 mths out of a year. I have them the rest of the time.

I'm not a bitch.... all the time!

So the ex isn't feeling good (tummy ache). I think he is also a bit depressed. He called me twice today, just to chat. He sounds pathetic and as much as I would have liked to just tell him to kiss it, I talked to him both times.

See I have a thing for the misfit, underdog, helpless type. Give me your sick, your tired. I will baby them, nurse them, nurture them. I'm pathetic that way. Call me a mother or a woman or maybe just nuts.

Once a upon a time, I was dating this guy named Craig. It was pre-marriage. We dated for about 3mths, broke up because we really didn't like each other enough not to see other people. Well anyway during this 3mths, he got really sick (like had to be in the hospital for a few days and then on bed rest for at least a week). I took care of him. One day when he was feeling better, he said, "You have a good bedside manner..... Thanks."

Anyway, the ex was babbling on and on about how he keeps making mistakes and he keeps missing things and just babble really. I have no idea.... that is why I think he is depressed but doesn't realize it right now.

Of course on some levels I care. I truly worry about his sanity. He isn't a bad guy in that I think he would go nutso on me or the kids, but I think he could definitely become a hermit. The crazy guy that just grunts at you when he passes you on the street. Snapping about the price of grapefruit. He is definitely the type to check out of reality.

Sooo anyway, for the sake of my kiddos (they do need a dad even a somewhat absent one), I talk to him. I get along with him and well heck, it is who I am.

I am a bitch... or I say I can be one, but mostly I am not.

Pretty good weekend

So what started off with a sad thing, ended very well.

Saturday we had a family reunion with my mom's side of the family. That was fun! I spend a lot of time with my aunts and cousins on my mom's side but not her cousins or their kids, etc. Some of the family I hadn't seen in a long time, some I had never met. It was fun! My mom and one of her sisters (she has 4 sisters). They did a great job.

Afterwards, a bunch of us went out to dinner. Good day. Also got to spend some extra time with my mom's oldest sister, as we (me and the kids) picked her up and took her to the reunion.

Then on to Sunday, went to my parents. Played cards, kids swam a little, had some lunch. Done.

Then Sunday night, got to see Goofball. We did dinner, his buddy's house and then headed to my house for some goodnight kisses. He is adorable but shhhh don't tell him! It will just feed his ego. (ha,ha). Seriously he looked great and I want to tell him because I don't want him to think he has to be anymore than himself with me. I like him as is. (Did ya get that? Just as you are)

Anyway, then I even got to work early this morning! Got a ton done and I am feeling really good..... except I'm sleepy. Sometimes I worry that I will not wake up for work (which never happens) so I kept waking up to make sure the alarm was set and to check the time. Duh!

Next possible match on the schedule wheel of fortune for Goofball and me is May 11th. Hope I can make it without exploding (lol).

Anyway, I can hopefully keep this momentum going all week!!!

Sometimes being a grown-up SUCKS

Plain and simple.

Short story: I do not have the dogs anymore.

Long story: I knew that I couldn't keep them. I just do not have the energy, the time or the money it would take to care for them. I had to make (or pick) a decision (whatever!). It was hard. I got the pups loaded up in the car. They were so good on the way there. No whining, no barking, no jumping around. I'm sure they were scared to be in the car but the trusted me. (whah!). I got to the SPCA. Got them out, walked in.... All three of us had racing hearts. Mine was beating so hard, I started to have ringing in my ears. I wanted to run out with them but too late I was committed. The lady took the first one..... I wanted to shout, "noooo he is mine!" but I let her. She came back for the second..... and then it was over. Thank Gawd I still had my sunglasses on. I was crying a little bit.

When it is a better time in my life, I will get a dog. I will be ready for that commitment. I know it isn't easy to care for a dog.... It is a mostly give relationship. Yes there is the companionship but come on, it can't do the dishes, mow the lawn or paint my toe nails..... so really, its me caring completely for it.

And, as I mentioned here..... I have had to give up a lot of pets. I just thought the next time I had a dog(s), I wouldn't have to give them up. These are not ones that I decided to get, they got me. But still....

The decision was to listen to my heart (keep them) or my head (give them up)....So if I made a decision or I just picked the smarter of the two, it doesn't matter because the point is I had to do the grown-up thing and that just plain sucks!

Climbing out of the fog

I have been living in the land of the Blahs for far too long. My head is finally feeling a bit clear. I realized, I have been walking around like this for a while. I found my motivation too. It was cowering in the corner whimpering! I gave it a cookie and it was back.

But, now that I am feeling more normal again, wow what a mess I have made of things!

Here is where I need to cut myself a break a little bit. I have been buried at work for a while now. Stress, pressure and the fear of not getting this job have taken their toll on me. I'm tired everyday when I get home... No wait, pass tired and head straight to pure exhaustion. I have been snappy with the kids, the cats, Goofball. Its just crazy!

The pressure at work is pretty bad. The guy I work with, J, keeps saying things like, "Why isn't this done yet?" Because I have a lot of things to do, I don't just support you... (Okay I don't say it like that but...) "Well you know that multi-tasking is a big part of doing this job, if you can't do it....." He gives me 90% of my work, the rest of my work doesn't stop at 10%..... No, no! I have several things that I do that are almost full time jobs in and of themselves. So I am basically doing 2 full time jobs.

A person can only multi-task so much. At some point things will fall. Things have fallen and I am now being micromanaged even more than I already was. Ugh!

However, I will say.... I am human. It happens. All I can do is admit the mistake, apologize and make an effort to correct it from happening in the future.

I'm a sucker

for big puppy eyes.

So K came home from school and was all excited about some puppies that were at the bus stop this morning. And then that someone's uncle had just seen them. So off went the neighborhood gang to find them. The leader was my little darlin'.

No dice. Shwooo! (or so I thought).

K had to go to Youth Group. No bigs. No pups. Well about 30 mins later one of the boys drops the pups off and disappears.

Crap!

They are doll babies! (I will post pics later) They aren't really puppies. By the look of their teeth, I would guess at least 9 mths old. They are small, not much bigger than my cats. Both boys though at first I didn't see the thingy on the very hairy boy. Thank Gawd that they are both boys! No new puppies, right?

Well my Fave Aunt came to my rescue with some dog food and what I thought was good support. Let them back out, they are more comfortable there. So we tried that. Good they left.... or so we thought.

I went out to the back yard to check the lights, back door and shed (normal night routine). Well here they come! Just happy as can be... saying "Helllllooooo...."

Soooo now they are in my laundry room sleeping. Eek gawd what the heck am I going to do with them?

I would just let them back out but 1. my fence is broken and 2. we are in for some storms tonight. I will make a decision on them later. Keep them, keep one or take them both to the SPCA.

Commercials

I have a heartburn with most marketing. I would love to get into Marketing myself and have always been obsessed with it. A lot of the times, I would rather watch the commercials than the show. The ex used to complain that I would always talk to him during the show/game but once the commercials were on I wouldn't talk. Yeah, its true. Ha, ha.

Anyway, my oldest son is home sick. I am home with him waiting to take him to the doctor. There was a commercial for one of the Home Mortgage loan places. "Consolidate and save" or "Home Equity Loans and save"..... He said we should do that. I asked what, he said save money. Yes I agree but not that way.

Then there are the medical commercials for varies drugs/meds. Now don't get me wrong, I am all about medical research and glad we have so many choices to help people or at least get some relief for the moment. However, do we really need to have these commercials on..... all the time! My oldest used to say she needed all of them. She would just hear the commercial and now she needed it. If you watch TV, you know most of these commercials are for sexual problems.... either something you have or something you can't do. Ya know? Ummm, sweetie-girl, I don't think you have that problem.

And, do our children really need to know what a tampon does? I mean I didn't really know about them until I needed them and how did I learn about them then? The old-fashioned way of going to the store and buying them, reading the instructions and trial and error. Ouch....

There are things that should be advertised, like maybe new food items or events in the area but there are just some things that I don't want to see and I don't want my children to see. Is that too much to ask?

Always a Mom

So we had the Girls Only Weekend. It was a blast! We always have fun. I'm glad I went and can't wait to start planning on the next one! (There is already some buzz and talk).

But, here is the thing, I am always in "mom" mood.... or so I have learned.

Exhibit one: We went shopping on Saturday. I noticed myself doing head counts all the time. Something I am always doing since I am always out numbered (3 kids - 1 mom).

Exhibit two: Not only was I doing a head count but I was usually one of the last in the group. I wasn't the only, thank gawd! or I would have felt really bad. The couple of us in the back commented about this.... We had to make sure nobody was left behind.

Exhibit three: We went to a bar Saturday night. It was great! I ordered a drink called Sex on the Street because I wanted to tell people that I went to Dallas and had Sex on the Street. Ha, ha! See not always a mom.... but here is the mom part. There was a live band. The guitarist's shoe was untied. Yes, folks, that's right. I had to fight the urge to go tie his shoe and no not because he was cute.... Just because as a mom if I see a shoe untied, I want to tie it.

Laugh its okay. I don't mind. At least I didn't try to cut any one's food or spit on a napkin to clean their face. Right? That's something, isn't it?

Heading to Dallas

But first had HMS! It is Friday, hello! Yes Goofball decided to come keep me company while I waited to go to Dallas. I'm so glad because I like him even if he now knows that I am crazy. I'm sure he will forgive me my craziness because I'm just that good. And, hey this is the first time he has seen me like this in 10 months..... I have been depressed before but he hasn't seen me like this. Big difference. I get real snappy and impatient. Otherwise I'm just quiet. Right?

Anyway, so I'm about to go pull the kids from school early so I can get to Dallas at a fairly decent time. I don't want to miss the drunk fest this evening with my girls!

I am, however, dreading the drive. As I am in this funk, it will make it miserable for me. I will be using all my "Sailor" words as I yell at other drivers, I am sure. The kids will be covering their ears in disgust (well H will be giggling and saying that's right dumbass!.... He takes after his mommy. I am so proud.)

Caught on the flip side.... or err, I mean back on Sunday.

On the road again

..... I CAN wait to get on the road again. I'm so tired this week! I think I'm having a little bit of depression (could be the start of PMS?).

The problem with my depression is nothing really has to trigger it and I just kinda feel blah for a few days.... either some solid sleep or a good cry will make it go away. If it is PMS than there are a few things that will help.... sex or just having AF arrive.

Either way I'm Dallas bound tonight for a Girls Only Weekend. I will drop the kids with their daddy-o and I will be free for a few days. Not a work trip, just a fun trip!

UPDATE: Not on the road yet! I may still go tomorrow but for now, not.

Horoscope for today

I just thought this was kind of cool. Kinda like a fortune cookie. Does this not totally speak to me or what?!?!?!

Past heartbreak has given you a strong mental clarity. You know what you need.

I know exactly what I need! Someone that is respectful, thoughtful and doesn't treat me like dirt. No wait, that doesn't treat me lower than dirt! Someone who is interesting and actually likes to do things even if it is nothing (like just drive around or go for a walk just because it is something!).

I need someone who is just the completely opposite of the guy I was with. And, now I know that.

First my motivation, now my mind!

Has anyone seen my brain? I have misplaced it. Maybe if I get it back, I will find my motivation.

I have been crazier than usual. I am having trouble remembering my children's names. I recently called L by K's name, Sebastian our cat was called L and when telling H that I wasn't talking to him that I was talking to L.... I actually said, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to H." Umm, totally duh moment! He couldn't control his laughter. It was in front of my parents. My dad looked worried, my mom was laughing so hard I thought she was going to choke on her food. And really a lot of that is normal. Comedians often joke about it but still!!!

Things that used to be easy decisions are 20x harder. 1% milk or 2?? I always buy 1%, why the question in my mind? Why is it so hard? Just pick one that isn't expiring soon! Go to Dallas or not? Ummm, should be easy, right?

Then there are things like forgetting my watch. I never, ever forget to put my watch on. I did yesterday. Not putting mail in my mail box, even though it is laying right there in plain sight, with my keys, with my purse.

When I got home from NOLA, my dad asked if I could run by my house really quick to pick something up for him. I walked in the house and started straighting up and then started to leave. Almost completely forgeting the whole reason I was there in the first place.

If there was ever a question that I just need a down weekend. A weekend to just escape, this is the weekend! I will not hop back on the "am I going/not?" fence. I am firmly on the going side.

If you are a praying person, please pray for my brain to come home. Please?

Not surprising

The ex and his girl broke up. Well he says they are still friends but he has moved back into his apartment. I am not surprised by this at all. He had text messaged me last week just as I was heading to the airport. I knew something was up. Well he just called me at work and we talked for a while, almost an hour. About my trip, work, his work, the kids, the kids' schedule for the summer, this coming weekend and he also told me that he was back in his apartment. She wanted more than he wanted to give.

I guess that he wasn't completely on board with the whole getting married thing, from what he says. He just wanted to move in with her to have a little more financial security. Uh-Huh.... Right. But, that's his story and he is sticking to it. Actually, just knowing him like I do, I am sure that is part of it, a huge part of it but not all.

Here is my predication though..... They will get back together at least one more time if not start a whole cycle of this break up/get back together thing. This is the second time so far that it has happened. I fully expect them to marry someday too.

For my children's sake, I hope I'm wrong. I hope that he can actually meet someone that better fits him and he actually falls in love with her. The reason I don't like this girl is she just seems too immature and I want my children's stepmom to be a support in raising them.

Same if they ever have a stepdad. They don't need a dad or a mom. They have one of each but the person I pick for myself had better know that he is my partner and is partnered in guiding my children in the same ways a teacher would be.

And, to all you single moms out there, like my ex's "friend", do not rush into a relationship because you think you need a man in your life. Men are great! I like the one I see but I'm not rushing anything.... But, I am a strong person. I know I was complaining about needing help in my blog recently. Yes, I totally do! But, it is more of a "nice-to-have", not a must because I can do these things. I have been doing them for a while now. And the few things I can't do, I can ask for help

Oh and on that note, it reminds me of a conversation with K lately. She and my niece were comparing things. (S's dad is my brother, the one in Iraq) S said, "My dad taught me to tie my shoes." K said, "My mom taught me" S said, "My dad taught me to ride my bike." K said, "My mom taught me".... and on the conversation went. Then K said, "I can't think of much that my dad taught me." I said, "There were things but he worked a lot and wasn't home a lot. It was mostly me." She said she remembers that and she said thanks.

H usually credits his dad for things but really a lot of it was me or when it was his dad, it was me saying, "You need to play with him." Sad but true.

Most of L's memories are going to be of us separated/divorced because I left his dad when he had just turned 3. He is almost 5 now.

Back to my message to women, single women.....

Be strong women. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for your kids. If you can do those things, then men will be a nice to have and you can enjoy them a whole lot more.

No motivation

Did someone steal my motivation? Maybe I lost it on my trip? Where ever it is, I need it back!

I think my problem is I'm still tired from my trip, from my weekend and well just trying to get back in the routine of it all. Ugh!

I am sure once I get some more sleep and get fully in my routine (I'm a routine girl!), then things will fall in place but until then, if you find my motivation, could you kindly send it back to me?

Oh and I'm still smiling today, maybe even a little giggly too. Just thought everyone would like to know that!

Only bad thing today, one sick kid possibly another. I am going to call and see how that one is doing. He just seemed extra sleepy this morning so I'm hoping that is it and nothing else.

Beads!

Sometimes you don't have to flash your boobs to get them! Sometimes you are just cute enough to get them.

I had a great night and even though I started out cranky and whiny. I am smiling and probably (or is it prolly) will be for a long while.... Which is good considering I might not get to see him for a few weeks. The next "match" on the schedule wheel might be April 27th..... Not 100% sure his schedule.

That is if I don't make it to Dallas this weekend. If I don't make it, then I have available the 20th and 22nd.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

And, here is a confession, I'm sure he will feel bad but I have to remind him, I made a choice. It was my choice and I decided what I wanted. Him (you). Anyway, I was so cranky this afternoon because I was bone tired. I ached to my core I was so tired. But, I wanted to see him so very badly.... and I cursed myself the whole way, "What the f$%# am I doing?" The other side of me answered, "You need to see him." and it was right. As soon as I saw him, all of that melted away and I wasn't tired anymore.

Well since the tired is catching me now that I'm home, I am going to hit the bed.

I am going to put my beads in a very special place and when I see them I will smile and remember tonight.

I'm back!

Trip was good. Event was very successful! I can't wait to get back on Monday so that I can hear what others thought.

Some things I know about myself after this trip.

1. Even though I don't see Goofball too often (about 3x a month.... during a good month), I still missed him like crazy while I was gone. I think it was just not having a lot of internet time and knowing I was miles and hours away.

2. I'm a bad mom. Okay not bad but a bit selfish. I didn't call the kids the whole time I was gone! I did the same this past summer when they were gone for a couple of weeks and did the same at Spring Break. I like my time off from being a mom. It doesn't happen often so when it does, I try to take advantage.

3. I have a good sense of direction!

4. And, well I'm a stronger person than I thought I was. I mean I knew I was strong in many ways, but I haven't traveled for work before and I was worried I would have an anxiety attack or wouldn't be able to sleep. No anxiety attacks. Didn't have trouble sleeping. I had a great time.

Anyway, more blogs to follow soon. I'm just happy to get back in to my routine!

Hello from New Orleans

Hey y'all!

So I'm here in NOLA and so far having a great time! We didn't work yesterday because our flight was delayed a bit, then shuttle to the hotel took a while and then traffic. So we got to the hotel, chilled for a little bit and then grabbed some lunch. Back to the hotel for a bit.... late dinner.

It was fun just walking around the French Quarter yesterday.

I have only been here once and it really shouldn't count because we only kind of drove through. The ex had looked at a transfer here versus Fargo in 2003..... We didn't care for it then and decided Fargo was the winner.

Anyway, loving it! Missing having internet 24/7 though..... It is weird how much I miss it, but I think it is the people I miss not so much the internet. Some people I talk to daily and is my main form of communication with them. Sad but true!

Oh and I'm totally going to gain 10 pounds before I get home! Goooood foood! Had fried oysters last night.... Wish I could have had a whole plate of those babies! Then gumbo was lunch. Totally yum-o.

Well that's my NOLA update. Be back soon!

Out for the week

I will not be blogging this week! I will be out of town for work. Whoohoo.

Kids with my mom and the cats.... well the kids and my mom will go over twice a day to check on them. This is mostly because the kids will still be riding the bus each morning and afternoon.

Soooooo don't miss me too much! I doubt I will be back writing until Sunday of next week.

Have a good week, readers. Oh and wish me luck! We have a huge event happening on Friday that just has to go great (not perfect, nothing is perfect!)

Happy Easter

I thought I would share our Easter Eggs with everyone. The kids had fun. L especially enjoyed it and he colored the most.

We have done not much today. Just been lazy and its been perfect! We were planning to go one of my cousin's houses but nobody else was going so we didn't go.

The kids each got a new beach towel, a stuffed bunny, chocolate bunny and then some misc stuff.

I got a lecture from my dad about religion. My boys don't know the story of Easter. Well I don't expect L to remember from last year but H should know because we have talked about it. So later today, I will be telling them all the story. Maybe with K for help. I'm not a church person. I prefer my religion more personal.

L had a party at day care on Thursday (school was closed on Friday). Someone made those eggs with confetti in them. L, being 4 1/2, had never seen them before. So being the mom I am.... I let him bust them in the house.

As you can see it was quite a mess! This is just a small part of it. He threw them at a wall in my room.

And this is Big Bear. He had to get in on the fun too! L thought he would look good like this.

I think he does!

Most of the confetti is cleaned up but there are still bits of it here and there. I keep vacuuming but it is still there.

Oh well, I made a memory and made my boy smile. That is all that matters to me.

I need a "wife"....

or at least a domestic helper or a stay-home-husband or something! ACK!

My house feels like chaos. The kids need more structure than I can give them alone and dinner needs to be .... well better.

I am not opposed to being the sole breadwinner in a relationship. I like to work! Of course we all have days we don't want to but overall I enjoy working. I would love to be the one to go off to work and then come home to a clean house, supper and happy kids who aren't out doing who knows what and me being one step from the edge with worry that I'm going to get *that* phone call. (of course I wouldn't mind being a dual-income household either but still.... an extra set of grown up hands would be nice!)

And anyway, I'm so not a good housewife. I'm not very domestic. I mean I can clean my house and do but I'm not organized enough to keep it that way all week plus the kids are working against me. I think they are on a mission or maybe they just like the mess.

Also, I can't seem to get organized enough to cook dinner for us every single night. Well I do okay with it and I try really hard but I don't always make good meals. It is usually something easy and convenient. I use shortcuts as often as possible (boil in bag rice because I don't have to measure which equals thinking). I would love to cook from scratch more and I would like to good better foods.... but conveniences wins every time.

I am also a bit worried about my kids too. It would be nice to know that someone was here when they got home from school. This way there is some one here to make sure they get home, get homework done, and when they go outside, someone knows they aren't just running wild all over the place. Currently things are just chaotic in this department. Sometimes they will come straight home, sometimes they do their homework but mostly they are just running wild in the neighborhood.

Now granted I can't afford to hire a nanny or domestic helper of any kind right now. And, I'm not even in the market for a new husband..... I'm opposed to it someday and for the right reason, love not convenience. But by then the kids will probably be grown.

I just need to break the chaotic feel of the evenings and days. Get more organized and hope for the best. Until then we just do the best we can and we get by. The kids know I love them and I'm here for them. In many ways, I'm a great mom and in others.... well I just need help is all! :)

Took kids to work

Today was Good Friday, schools closed, day care closed but mom had to work. I figured since this company does a 9/80 schedule (half the office is off on Friday) and it being Good Friday, that few people would be in the office. So I decided I would take just L to work... well that turned into taking both boys and just as we were leaving this morning, K woke up and said she was going.

Okay fine.

Then turns out my supervisor brought in her oldest daughter so thank goodness that I wasn't the only one and actually I saw a few other people with kids there today.

And even though we were there from 7:30 - 3, they were surprisingly good. There were moments I was almost regretting bringing them in but in the end it worked out great!

I don't know that I would do it again anytime soon but it wasn't the disaster I was sure it was going to be.

Then a job update. You may or may not remember this is a temp job for me and I have been hoping for it to go perm..... The process is that they have to post the job, meaning that it is open and anyone can apply. Then they do the interview process and then the selection. Meaning I have to do all of that and meaning that I could lose this job. I found out today that one of the other contractors (different department) was just replaced. She applied but didn't get the job. Yikes!!!!

So anyway my supervisor was working on getting the job in the system yesterday and today she was finishing up the last steps. So I will be applying and hoping for the best. All I can do at this point is my best. I have worked really hard and a lot of people recognize that and compliment me. But, in the end, someone could come along that "looks" better. This job has also had a lot of turnover and they said I am the longest person to stay. That could be a good sign, right?

Then this coming week, I will get to travel for work! To NEW ORLEANS!!!! I cannot wait. I'm hoping this means that they want to keep me but again, no guarantees. Just wishing and hoping.

I will keep you all updated.

Love the Skin you are in!

Thanks Aimee, at GreebleMonkey for posting this on your blog! Love ya! And, this chic is so speaking my language!

Batman is human

I am human. You are human. However, humans can do great things.

Batman is considered a superhero, yet he was just human and had no super powers. Despite that he did great things. The story goes that he saw his parents murdered when he was a child. He went on to become a crime fighter. No super powers, just pure human willpower.

Batman has always been one of my favorites because of this. Sure Superman could fly, Iceman could make enough ice for a party, Wolverine could slice and dice..... But, Batman, now Batman was the man!

So next time you are thinking, "I'm just human." Think of Batman and know that we just have to have strength, willpower and a really cool car to get through it. Okay maybe not the car but hello the BatMobile?!?! And, don't even get me started on the BatCave!

"Same Bat time, Same Bat Channel"

My kind of dessert....

Now don't get me wrong, I like ice cream. I like cake. I like cookies, brownies, candy but given a choice.... I would pick fresh berries with either yogurt, cottage cheese or maybe some fat free whipped cream any day. Sometimes I will even put a few walnuts or almonds over the top. Yum! This bunch of strawberries was yum-o.

Watching the storm

My cats watching the storm on Saturday. Aren't they pretty!? He is actually bigger than her but you can't tell in this picture. He is the lighter one, she, of course, is the darker one.

Just Zoe....

Just Sebastain as it started to clear....

Astros Opening Day

Its Baseball season!!!!! And, the Astros play their season opener today. Oswalt is on the mound against the Pirates.

I won't be home in time to see the game from the beginning but hoping I can get settled in for most of it.

I usually don't get home until 6:00-ish anyway.... and today gotta go to the store for cat food. Thankfully what I feed them doesn't have the wheat glutten in it so hopefully we are good for food.

Soooo anyway, go Stros!!!!!

And, just an update on the NAScar season. Dale Jr. has not won a race yet but has done well. He has moved up in the points to 11th which is really good. Jimmie Johnson, who I don't care for great driver but not my fave, has won 4 out of the 6 races..... or something like that. They are talking about changing the name of Victory Lane to Jimmie Lane. Okay not really but ugh! So the next race is the 15th at Texas Motorspeedway. I cannot wait! I just wish I could go! Some day I will. Someday. (Its on my list.)

Happy April Fools Day

I am not a fan of this day, not that I dislike it completely... Just not a fan. I have never played a really good joke or prank. I have never really had a really good one played on me (mean but not good).

Talking with H this past week, we were discussing the history of April Fool's day. I didn't know it so we were going to look it up.

Here are some pranks. Some are funny. I love the story of the Taco Liberty Bell.

The only thing I can really remember doing for a joke was when I was about 9 or 10. I had one of those plastic spider rings from halloween. How I still had this thing, I don't know. Anyway, I went to my parents' bathroom and I put it in the toilet paper in such a way that when you unroll it, out pops this spider. Then I waited. Later, my mom screamed then laughed.

Mindy, over at Mama Drama, had a good post today. If you haven't read it or have never visited Mama Drama (who has not read this blog!!?? Its awesome).... check it out!

Anyway, be nice, y'all... Paybacks are hell!