Late, late... Always late!

I never used to be late. Never. When did this happen? When did I start to be late to EVERYTHING!!!!????

I know it has nothing to do with kids because I was fine until a few years ago. Do you think it is because there is only one parent/grown up in the house? Because I have to take care of everything AND get myself ready??

Yes that is probably it. I have no help and even though ALL my kids are old enough to get themselves ready, dressed, etc.... I still have to stay right on top of them and get them moving.

"Are you up?"
"Why aren't you up?"
"This is your last warning!!"
"YOU ARE STILL NOT UP!"
"Why don't you have anything to wear? I did all the laundry!"
"Too bad, wear those pants and no I don't care if you don't like them!"
"Does anyone in this house tell time besides me? Cuz we are late AGAIN!"


Right now we are suppose to be going to have lunch with my grandmother. We are only 40 mins late but I have already called to let her know that we are all running slow this morning.

And, yes this morning I am running on low to no energy, and yes I sit here not quite ready but before I blow a gasket! Nobody was getting ready but me so I was getting to the boiling point. I hate losing my temper it is such a waste and I hate fighting... again kind of a waste (though sometimes necessary-ish).

Okay so anyway now that everyone is waiting on me.... I better go.... Oh wait what is that noise?? Ack! The boys are fighting. It is going to be a long day.

Some news

I got a new car!!!!! That is right no more Big Green Monster!

I got a Saturn Vue. Sorry no pics right now. It is beautiful!!! I am so happy. Soo, soo happy. Most of my cars have been used. This is only my second new car.

In other news, I am heading to California tomorrow for work. I will be back on Friday. No computer from Tuesday until Friday when I get back.

Yikes!!!! How will I survive? No blogs. No message boards. No emails. No Goofball .... unless we somehow manage a call. Though I can check emails on my phone, it is a little hard to reply, not impossible just hard.

Soooo that's it from me.

Good Mom Feeling

Last week I put my foot down with K. She goes to a youth group on Tuesdays. Well last week she had a project due and I usually let her go with the promise that she will finish up when she gets back. But that has bit me in the butt more times than I can count.

But not this time! I said, No. Period. You will stay here and do your project.

She yelled. She screamed. She did it half-assed in crayon and the biggest handwriting.

I sent her back for another try. After much fussing and fuming, she finally buckled down and did it. She was proud. I was happy. She got a good grade on it! When she told me that just a few minutes ago, I got goosebumps.... Why??? Because I was the mean mom and it finally paid off!

She even said, "I am glad you made me stay and do that project." I almost cried. Seriously folks. How did I get so lucky??? I mean we fight, we don't talk, she has been talking about moving to her dad's.... but at the end of the day, she really does appreciate me.

This week in blog history....

.... is when I first started my blog. It was actually on the 22nd but I thought I would post a few things pre-blogaversary.

Today it is a request to my lurkers. Give me a hi! I see you on sitemeter.... and while I don't know exactly who you are, I see some "regular" lurkers. I know that sometimes it is hard to relate to posts and make comments but this one here. Is just for a quick shout out.

How did you find me? How often do you read? (some I know you stop by daily) And then anything else you might want to share.

I have an average of 25 clicks a day (unique clicks that is). But I don't get nearly that many comments. Again, I don't expect daily comments but every once in a while, it would be nice to "hear" from you. It keeps me motivated! :)

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In other news, I have to get a new car sooner rather than later. As in my car is acting up yet again. It was just in the shop a few weeks ago to the tune of $712. Before that it was back in October with a price tag of around $800. I cannot keep doing this every few months or so. I just can't. It is just one reason for my bad credit.

Speaking of which has me really concerned about getting a loan for a new car. Ack! Oh well, some people do it.... I guess I will just try it and see what happens. I plan to start my search outside of my research on the Internet, coming up on this Friday. I will see if I can get financing and if not, not sure what I will do. Sink more and more into this Tank. I just don't know. But it isn't an option any longer. I have put it off for too long waiting to get "back on track" or "get ahead".... Like I tell people who wait to have children until they are financial ready.... You never will be, just do it.

Okay than, car dealers..... Here I come!

Lack of friends discussion.... again....

Not sure what to say. I am feeling a bit depressed at the moment. Not sure if it is because I have been sick for a week now and haven't been sleeping well but tonight (or really early this morning), I am feeling particularly lonely.

And lately I have been thinking about friends a lot, again. I have talked about my lack of friends, or at least in the immediate area and my lack of.... gosh, I don't know. Just friends.

So yesterday K and I were talking about friends, and what makes a best friend. She said it was time she has known them is the first factor, then how they treat her, etc.

I have one friend that I rarely talk to that I have known since 5th grade. I give her the credit for teaching me all the bad words and how to use them. Love her! But sadly our life's just don't cross as much as I would like and she has expressed the same. She lives about 30-40 mins from me which might as well be on the other side of the world. She has 3 small children and I, of course, have mine. It is just kind of sad because when we have been able to get together, it is great, like time had not passed so much.

Then I have another friend. She is one I will always consider my best friend because she just gets me like nobody else ever has. K's middle name is for her. I haven't seen her in person since 2000.... How sad is that? I miss her a lot but have a funny way of showing it because I rarely email her anymore. I don't call. I don't text. I suck!!!! She is just the best person though and I know that if I need anything, I can just say the word and if possible, she does it. Usually I just need to talk because like I said, nobody gets me like her.

I also have another local friend who I used to share an office with in my first post-Navy job. I love her a lot!!! Our life's have taken different paths but we have tried to stay in touch. She is just a sweet person and I love having her in my life because I think in some ways she is so different from me and I admire her for that. But in others, we are so much alike. She has one little boy (just turned 2!!!) and a little girl on the way soon. She also lives about 30-40 mins from me. Hard to get together.

Then I have all my Internet Friends.... I just don't even have the words to describe what they mean to me. They have gotten me through some very tough times because they are always there. The Internet is never closed. It is on even in the middle of the night. There are select ones that I have been closer to at times than others and some I am not close to at all but I know that if I need a slap back to reality someone will do it or if I need a pick-me-up, they will do that too. We live all over and have been part of a group for over 6 years now. I would soooo be lost without them.

I would mention Goofball here but this is really about female friends. He is awesome despite the fact he wanted me to write about what an ass he is, just to see what the reaction is from my readers. Even if you can be an ass, you haven't been to me!!! (yet?) You are so amazingly sweet to me, more than any guy has ever been. I can't believe a person like you exists and that you are into me??? It just blows my mind to think about it. I have had some really crappy dating experiences, let me just tell you.

So back to the post......

I guess I have always been kinda a social butterfly in that I never really stay in one "group" or with one set of friends. I don't really get super close to any friend(s) for long and just kind of flit around. One person might fill my current need in my life and then another. I don't spend much time on the phone with people (except my mother and youngest brother). I don't have regular email chats with anyone besides Goofball. I guess it just isn't who I am to have just a long time friend that is just .... I don't know. I can't seem to express it and maybe that is why I don't have it and sometimes I think, am I really missing anything since I have never had this??? But then there are times like now that I feel that missing piece and wonder, should I try harder???

I like having friends but I guess I am not the all the time social type. I guess that is the way to say it.

I would rather hang out with my kids and my guy (oh and don't forget my dog). I would rather spend time with that one special person, that guy in my life and be happy with that. If we have friends around from time to time, awesome. I love to entertain or to go out with friends. But I just guess I am not the on the phone all the time, emailing daily, over each week, shopping pals kinda girl. It is great in spurts but that's it.....

Does that even make sense???? I will probably read this later today and say, What the heck was I talking about!!!!????

The greatest love and the biggest heartbreaks

are caused by the same thing..... Kids. I love my kids so much and what I tell first time parents, you cannot believe how much you can love another person until you have a child. It is true. It is such a different kind of love. The kind that you just cannot describe, you just have to experience it.

When they give you that first "I know you" smile. When they walk to you for the first time, reach up for comfort, kiss you or say "I love you, mommy." for the first time. It is huge stuff. Huge love. True love. Parent to child love.....

With that comes the vulnerability to heartbreak that you cannot imagine. When your child first gets angry at you, or says "I hate you" for the first time. Heartbreaking.

Well my daughter knows my buttons more than anyone else. She can tear me in two.

Her latest is really nothing new and I honestly don't think it is coming from a mean place, or so I hope cuz that would suck. She is talking about moving in with her dad. She has done this before but after weeks of talking it out, discussing pros and cons, she came to the conclusion she was better her. Her dad agreed and I honestly think he was relieved not to have to deal with her except via phone and the occasional visit.

She is now talking about it again and saying it is best for me. What? No it isn't for me, it is for her. She is trying to runaway from things here. I know that, she knows that but she is using other excuses.

She will be in 9th grade this next year and because of this, the Junior High is being split up for High school. Half of her friends will go to the other HS and the others will be with her. I think rather than deal with this, she wants to run.

Also she and her brother don't always get along. Leaving is her solution. Siblings fight but I blame my ex for pitting them against each other over and over. He would compare them to each other, negative flaws to good traits. This has made them competitive beyond what you could imagine. It sucks.

Soooo anyway, I am trying to deal with this the best I can. Of course I won't stop her if she really feels like this is what she wants. I will also put my foot down that once she is up there, she cannot move back (if she wants to) until the end of the school year. Not in the middle, period. I must stay strong on that and even if she decides to stay another year, she cannot move back until the end of a school year.

It will be tough but it is the only way to stop the back and forth.

The bricks that surround me.....

My marriage was …. Well what was it? I hate to say unhappy because for a while it was great, aren’t they all (most)? But once the word divorce was said, it never really was the same. It lasted 8 years too long. There were control issues and self-esteem issues and child-rearing disagreements and religion, finance…. You name it, we didn’t agree on it. We are opposite and not in the “opposites attract” way. He called me selfish, fat, and evil. I called him names too, well mostly just a$$hole.

So slowly I built this brick wall around me during those last 8 years. And since the divorce, I have felt a lot more like me again. However, there are just things I don’t show people about me. By people I guess I mean Goofball. And yes I have been talking to and/or dating him since June 2006…. So why stay closed up so long?? I don’t know. I guess I still am carrying some of that baggage from being put down so much in my marriage and building that wall. I hate being called selfish and evil. Those are the worst names that someone could call me because I don’t feel like I am either.

Are there times I think about me first? Oh yeah, baby! You better believe it because who else is? Am I evil? I don’t even know what this means. Is it because I am typically pretty laid back but if you push certain buttons, I can just go off. I am kind of hard to get upset but once I do, it is a flash in the pan… I get really hot tempered and maybe mean but I get over it really quickly. A lot of times I can remember being mad or upset or hurt by something but have no idea what. I mean why hold on to that.

And yet I hold a lot of fear and lack self-esteem in showing myself but I feel like that is more to protect myself from being hurt.

Then again, is Goofball ready to see more of me?? I don’t know. I have given little bits up lately, here and there. He has made a few comments about it, nothing bad but it makes me hold back other things for now. My dating profile said I could be sarcastic so why the surprise? Not sure. Maybe because for soooo long he has only known me to be quiet, laidback, indecisive but never really seen more than that.

I guess in ways I feel like if he sees these things, he won’t like me anymore. My fear of the “put-downs” I was the “victim” to previously have me gun-shy. I haven’t really sung in front of him at all. I sing, normally, all the time. All.the.time. And, if he is a Goofball, I could almost be called Ms. Goofball because I get pretty silly sometimes. But does he know this??? Not really.

Anyway, I am slowly trying to knock down the bricks; just some of them are harder to knock down. I am sure he will like the rest of me but at the same time…. I just don’t know….

Wishing the time away....

I hate when I do this. I guess in someways it is a human thing to do. Like we sometimes might say, "I can't wait until Christmas" or "I can't wait until my kids walk, talk, go to school.... " whatever.


But, time just flies. I had babies and then blinked and have teens. My baby is going to be in 1st grade next year and will not be going to day care anymore. And really life is short, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow so I do really try to enjoy today and most days I would say I do. I get to have special conversations, hugs and kisses. Snuggles on a Sunday morning, or in the evening when they had a bad day (or I did). I was just being stalked by a "ninja".... A rather cute ninja. I played a game of Yahtzee with my oldest son earlier and my daughter and I have been able to form a great relationship that I never had with my own mother.


However, I can't help but "wish" for the summer to be here, for them to be with their dad. I really need a break. This just wears on me. I get so tired between my breaks. If you have been a long time reader, you know he sees them only a few times a year, then the long summer visit.

And, I know I am not the only one that has my child(ren) alone most, or all the time. It is tough on this parent but also rewarding because we get the most time and memories with the kiddos. We know we are doing what is best for our child(ren). I love mine very much.

I know that once they are gone, I will miss them very much and be lost without them. I will not know what to do with myself in the evenings because I am so used to having the children to take care of. But, that's okay. I do need to recharge and I will have the puppy and cats to take care of still.

I just hate that I am wishing the time away... but again, I think it is normal. I think anyone would forgive me this one wish because they know that I do truly love my children and that I do try to do my best for them..... even if somedays I fall short.

Just about 3 weeks or so to go..... and then it is mom's time....

More puppy love....

I am still very much in love with this boy here. He is still the coolest dog. I just look at him and can't believe he is mine, or maybe I am his... Who knows for sure?! Anyway, I just can't stop talking about him, thinking about him. He is so smart, so loving. He is good, oh so good. I have had a lot of dogs. I have had a lot of experience with dogs. This one is amazing! Everyone should have a dog this good.

And, if you are new to my blog, he is a boxer-husky mix. He is 4 months old now and weighs about 35lbs.

He is always so happy to see me when I get home and then likes to be near me. Right now he is sleeping, happily at my feet.

Anyway, I just had to share more pics of him because I found my cable and because he is too awesome not to share.

"I have bad words stuck in my head"

These are the words my 5 year old said to me through tears after he heard me fighting with his father over the phone. Broke my heart I tell you. and hmmm, yeah I did say bad words. Hey I used to be a sailor, what can I say?

They haven't heard me fight with their father in a long time. We used to do it all the time when we were married. (something I hated but he would actually drag them into it)

I am not saying it is right that I fought with him in front of them (over the phone) but it happened and it was things that had to be said, for them and for me. He never takes what I say seriously. It is, again, issues of visitation. I realize he lives in Dallas and I live in Houston. I get that but for the record we were living here before he moved FROM HERE TO THERE! So who made the choice?

I told him things that I tell him all the time but I just keep hoping that if I say it enough or in different ways, that something will click and he will get it.

At any rate, I am not going to feel bad for what I said, just that I said it in front of the kids. L keeps reminding me that I said those words and that they are stuck in his head (then he announces they are gone, for now).

I am sure that won't be the last fight they overhear but I do try and will continue to try to keep it between he and I.

Just my life....

I feel like all I do is complain but really I am just processing, talking it out and/or telling the story of me. This is just my life. I hate to complain because I really do have a good life. I have great kids, a house, an awesome puppy and just on and on.... but my life is just a bit crazy and it wears on me.

I don't know if it is just being a single parent or if it is just the way I have run my life. I think not having a partner does contribute to some of my issues and some is just .... well just life.

I don't sleep well because of the kids and the puppy. Though they are all actually good, it is just the circumstance of having the two. The puppy sleeps pretty well at night and doesn't need to go out, but if one of the kids wakes up, then he thinks it is time to get up. Given my children's sleeping habits, there is almost always someone awake. K is a night owl so she typically goes to sleep after me. I don't really mind so much as long as she is quiet, doesn't bother me and wakes for me in the mornings. H is a morning bird. Getting up before most birds that is. He goes to bed early too. Again, as long as he is quiet. L is somewhere in between the two. I think because of his age, he still sleeps a lot. I think as he gets older, he will be a night owl too. It seems to be his thing. But with him, he stills wakes most nights because he has nightmares, hears a noise or whatever.

With this, there is almost always someone awake and even though the two older ones try to be quiet and not disturb me, but L is still too young and needs me at night sometimes. Therefore, I spend time settling him, settling the puppy and really no matter how quiet the other two are, my house is small and any noise wakes the puppy. Plus the only bathroom is connected to my bedroom, meaning if anyone goes to the bathroom at night, it wakes me and Cowboy.

Hopefully and most likely, once the house remodel is done (if it happens), it will make my nights sooooo much better.

With that said, my doctor seems concerned that I don't sleep well but like I told her yesterday, it is just my life right now. I realize I need to sleep more but at the moment life is what it is. I can complain about it or I can just deal and get sleep when I can.

It means that currently I walk around like a zombie and my house isn't as clean as I would like, I'm not as active as I would like and I just don't think I am as much fun!

But more than that, I feel like I am always running kids around, my life during the week feels so unorganized and my life just feels that way.

I haven't really cooked a dinner in so long, at least one that took any time or more than a few ingredients to make. It has to be simple or it is pizza or burgers delivered or drive-thru. It sucks and when my doctor asked about my appetite and interest in food, I was less than enthusiastic about it. Food just has lost much of its appeal. It is a shame because I think food should be something enjoyed, not just a need. I mean what a shame! Why waste calories on something that you don't want to eat or doesn't taste good to you? Life is too short to not enjoy it and there are too many good things to eat. With that said, balance, moderation for things that are just really bad for you and there are very healthy foods that are amazing to eat!

Soo anyway, my life is what it is and I wouldn't change much of it.... I just want some peace and rest in it. I want to get back to cooking for my kids. I want to feel organized and healthy.

Anyway, I am on a new med now. Was on Zoloft, now trying Cymbalta. This is to help with the aches and pains I feel daily. I think if I can get some of this pain under control some of the other will be a lot more bearable.

I love my kids. I love my dog. I love my life..... Also I really appreciate one special person in it. He makes me smile even when I don't feel like it. He makes me happy and feel important, even when the rest of my life doesn't. I just want to say thank you to him.... and he knows who he is.

And that is just my life. :)

*Catchy title here*

For the last several nights, I haven't been sleeping well again. That is fine, I am going to the doc on Friday. I am thinking a meds change is in order again.... I won't even tell you all the weird thoughts I have been having.... AGAIN. It is scary.

But, because I am not sleeping well, meaning waking several times a night, my brain is working at odd hours. So for the last two nights, I have in my mind written the best blog entries EVER! Seriously. I was thinking "Wow this will get some great discussions going. I will get lots of comments. People will link to me"..... Hmm what were the ideas, the words, topics.....???

I have no idea!

Normally, I would have written it down or even gotten on the computer and typed it up! But I fell back asleep before I could. I am so disappointed.

I keep wondering if it was a dream but it happened in that half awake/half asleep moment. You know when you are kind of floating, drifting but still aware of things around you and the brain is still working very clearly.

Soooo I am sorry if you came here thinking I had written this very profound, "aha" post that would just set the world on fire! Maybe tonight I will have the energy to write it down before it is lost forever.

****Oh and one last thought, do you ever just look back at your life and say "Wow!" In thinking back on the last couple of years, I am definitely thinking that.****

My totally weird weekend (and it isn't over yet)

It started on Friday. I got to see Goofball Friday night. I don't think I have EVER seen him on a Friday night. We have schedule issues so this was a great surprise! Wait, surprise? That might not be the right word there but ya know.... it was great! We had planned to go out but my kids were tooo hyper to be left. So we just hung out. K who usually does not like having him around too much said she had fun and she even said "...and I didn't think I would."

Why were the kids so hyper you might wonder? There dad came to visit this weekend.

K had a drama competition yesterday at her school. He and the girlfriend came down to watch. This worked out GREAT! Because I got to help out at the school which was awesome. I was a judge. The kids were so cute and some of them have some really talent at acting. I judged all day! K had events all day but I didn't get to see any of them but got to see her between events.

And you may be wondering about my ex and his girlfriend. Some funny things happened, like at one point he asked me, "What was that look for?" I said innocently, "What look? I'm not married to you any more.... I don't give you looks." His girlfriend who I think I love (ha, ha), started cracking up. She loved it. We have gotten to be really good friends thus far.

So then after the drama thing, somehow I ended up with an extra kid. One of K's friends was spend the night. I think they knew I was weak from lack of food and fatigue of the day.... Just kidding! I love this girl so I am glad to have her over.

Well the ex and his GF were going to take the kids out to dinner but we had one problem. They don't have a car big enough so I was asked along. So me, my three, K's friend, the ex and his GF enjoyed dinner ON HIM!!!! Ha, ha! Thanks.

But, before dinner we were hanging out here at my house. The GF and I were hanging out in my room talking about .... well everything. Then we started looking through old pics of the kids. Then after dinner she rode with me and the girls back to my house. We all sang the whole way. That was fun!

But, the best part of the whole thing was the look of worry on the ex's face as his GF and his ex-wife shared secrets, shared new inside jokes and shared a ride home. Priceless!!!!!

They are here now and I haven't gone out to say anything yet. I had a rough night. Poor Cowboy was in his crate longer than usual yesterday and had I any foresight at all, I would have asked my mom to come over just after lunch to let him out for a few mins or so. Anyway, he was NOT tired so he played with his toys, tried to play with me and paced a lot!

I guess I better get out there....

Must be nice

I am so angry tonight. My ex isn't able to watch the kids at the end of May for me so I can go on a business trip.

And, yeah before you say anything a father should NOT have to WATCH his own kids but basically that is what it boils down too.

I guess I am more disappointed. I really want to further my career. Being able to travel without worrying about the kids.

Now don't get me wrong I love my kids and I am so glad that I am with them everyday. I really wouldn't trade them for a better career (I have a pretty fab job actually).

I guess it is just a bit of the grass is greener or maybe I just thought once divorced we would have a "normal" custody schedule. I really guess I shouldn't have expected anything different from him. He was really not as involved a father as I thought one should be. He has his way and I guess in ways I just have to forgive that and just do the best for me and the kids. They see what I do daily and they know. The two older ones tell me.

But still.... Ya know?

Some of my worst fears

We all have things that we are afraid of. I think most of our worst fears are things we can't control them. I think that is why they are our worst fears.

Most of mine are pretty typical. Anything involving my kids being hurt, lost or just any thing I can't protect them from. Not being able to take care of them, feed them, etc.... Having them taken away is another.

Being trapped in an elevator. This just happened to a co-worker on Monday. Yikes! I need to start taking the stairs.

Being bit by a spider! Yes seriously.

Being attacked by a dog. Having one of my children attacked by a dog. Having my dog or one of my cats attacked by a dog. I am a huge dog person. Love them but some people shouldn't have dogs.

And my worst fear, the one that I was afraid would come true last night..... Dying. Well okay that is a bit dramatic but let me explain. I woke up choking on my own vomit. Gross huh!? So I spent most of the night puking my guts out. But what scared me the most was I kept getting really choked. It was like some was going into my lungs, why? I don't know. I almost called my parents to come over. If something did happen to me, I don't want the kids to be the ones to find me/handle calling for help. Ya know?

Today I stayed home from work. I had only planned to sleep a bit and then go into work but I slept until almost 1:00.... woke up still feeling queasy. Shaky. Crappy. and well a bit scared too.

This morning after I called work, I called my mom. I always call her when I am sick because like I said, I don't want the kids to have to deal with me if something happens. I know dramatic! But I am a planner too.

Soooo anyway, still feeling a bit queasy and icky but hoping that I just don't puke again. That is like hell for me!

What are your worst fears? Especially the silly ones.

Volunteering at school and some ex stuff

Once upon a time, I used to be an involved parent. I sent in things to class, to the teacher, volunteered to help at parties, field trips, etc.....

Those days are long gone or so I thought.

I have started trying to volunteer more at the schools. Well so far just K's school. But since it is working out well, I am hoping that soon I can start doing it with the boys' schools.

Anyway, K has gotten involved in Drama and it is the perfect activity for her. I love helping out too. So far just one play but it was fun. It was soooo fun!

This Saturday I am helping to judge a drama competition. I cannot wait! How much fun will that be?!?! Oh I will be tired but it will be a blast.

Worst part of the weekend will be the ex being here. He is coming in for K's drama thing. He said they (being he and his gf) will come down for the day. They just couldn't stay overnight or long because of her dogs. Hmmm, fine, why does she have to come?? Or why can't someone watch the dogs? I mean hello I am always inconvenienced with kid stuff and finding care and I have two cats and a dog now. Yeah it sucks but he never has to be inconvenienced like I do. Of course I am not complaining, I'm just saying.

Anyway, to make it easier and because my common sense was left in California, I said if they needed to bring the dogs, they (the dogs) could stay overnight here to make it easier. I am doing it for my kids, not for him. And I honestly have no problem with his girlfriend, honestly don't. But, sometimes I just get soooo frustrated! Why can't he just be a dad rather than a boyfriend? Ack!

So he and I had a long discussion about custody. Basically it ended up with me just whining, bitching and venting, and him, yet again, not taking my feelings seriously. He just blows it off as me needing to air my feelings. Well yes but it is based on my real feelings.

Well whatever, I am happy with my choices with the kids, with my life. I have no regrets at this point and really, isn't that what matters? I hope he can say the same at the end of all this....

Home sweet home

I am back from my work trip. Did you miss me!??!

It was a successful trip! We had a big recruiting event and it was good. It was great. We had just few hiccups that were super easy to fix. Nothing major and nothing that was in our power. Interviewers and departments wanted to change rooms, interviewers and add interviews. So it was fine. Easy peezy and I was not nearly as tired or drained as I normally am after these. I got to talk with many of the candidates which is both good and bad. I actually get to liking them and then it is a bit heartbreaking (for lack of a better word), when they do not get picked up. We have just a few openings and we had a ton of great, great candidates this time.

Tuesday will suck because of it. Tuesday is our selection meeting. Then I have to send out the decline letters.

But, I did get to see some of our success stories from past events. See this was my first trip to our headquarters and so I haven't gotten to meet many of the people I helped get hired. It was awesome to meet them and they were just like "Wow, you remember me" (meaning their name).

In fact, one candidate had come to a visit that I was able to attend last year in New Orleans. I remembered him but sadly he wasn't selected. When he was on campus in the Fall, the campus team asked me about him because they saw he came to the other event. The concern is "Why wasn't he picked up?" I said that it was just bad timing and he was a great candidate that we would be crazy not to look at him further. He got an offer after that! I was soooo happy for him! I have no idea why. It is like I know him but I just have this sense about some people and I thought he would be good employee for us. Anyway I got to talk to him and he was just so surprised that I remembered him so I was telling them how I see their names over and over, that once they come, I just have to put the name to the face...then I see their names over and over because I am in HR.

Sooooo anyway, good event. I love my job. Can you tell??? I love working with the college kids and I love doing these events. No matter how tired they make me normally.

Then the kids did well. They stayed with my parents. The puppy stayed with them too. My mom just kept saying what a good puppy he is. So smart and obedient. He walks well on a leash, etc. Is it bad that I missed him a teeny, tiny bit more than the kids? Don't get me wrong I missed them like crazy but..... well....

And just for Margaret, I am going to add some video of him soon. Just not ready with it yet. Maybe for Wordless Wednesday.

That's it from here. I had hoped to write while gone but I didn't have a lot of internet time. I do plan to write something almost everyday still. So fingers crossed, I will keep it up now that things are back to normal.

Now off to get caught up on blogs!

A wow night

I just want to remember this night.... it was an amazing night and I just wanted to get the date down.

See I do remember things but I have to leave myself little reminders. One day I will look back at this entry and not remembering exactly why I wrote this and then it will hit me.

Oh yes, it was a great night. a wow night.

Taking a break but....

Not from blogging, just from all the things keeping me from blogging for the last several days.

K has been a part of a play at school. I was really happy that she was part of it.... running crew which if you don't know means that she helped back stage and when there were scene changes, she was part of that.

Last night was the last performance and I helped out back stage too. It was a blast! The kids were fun and it was great to be around the other parents because I almost never get to do stuff like that. I always have the other kids to take care of so if I want to do something for one, I have to have the other two in tow. It makes it near impossible to do anything this way because in this case, it was K who had something going on so it was the boys left out. Well I tried to go help with set building and they were WILD so I had to leave. They were actually jumping off the stage, crawling around in the seats, running all over. They have no will power to stop and punishment does not work.

But, I did get to help a little and that was good for me. I hope that K stays with Drama and next time tries out for a part in the play because she would be sooo good. She had most every one's lines memorizes and had the acting of each down pretty well too.

So I am also getting ready for a big event at work. We travel this week to California for it. I am excited because this will be my first trip to our California office but this is not my first event like this so I am not worried in the least about this event. I am just excited about the trip!

This will be the first time I leave Cowboy. I am sure he will be perfectly fine but I know I will miss him terribly. In a week's time, he will probably grow so much! He is still a great dog. Soooo smart, I am just amazed. Very, very soon he will be going to puppy classes and then we will be on the road to advanced obedience classes. I really want him to do everything and anything. I am just so glad I waited to get a dog and I am really glad that I got him.... I took my time and did research and talked to breeders, rescue groups and others. When all was said and done, I got the best dog for us.

Anywho, I am hoping to blog while on my trip. I am taking both my work laptop and personal one. I just don't' know how busy we will be and if we will have to work late or not.

Sooo anyway that is me for now.... and the kiddos have found me so I have to stop hiding!

I love Site Meter but.....

So I have Site Meter now as I think I mentioned BUT it is starting to make me a bit paranoid. Is my ex reading this? It wouldn't take much for anyone that knows me to actually find my blog! I mean, hello! He and I used almost the same screen name on Plentyoffish.com... that was a weird feeling when we realized that we did that.

But, anyway, so I see tons of different places in Texas as hits. Whole bunch of places.... and a lot near where he lives. Yikes! Thankfully if he is reading, he isn't saying anything and I am glad for that. I hope he will respect this as "my place" and where I can vent and talk things out. In fact, I am sure he would feel that way.

I wish I would have started with Site Meter sooner too. It is soooo interesting! I am surprised by how people are finding me and how many people read my blog! I am surprised because I don't get that many comments.

Anyway, thanks to all that do read me and thanks to those that find me randomly and read. And really thanks to my friends that read and comment.

Privacy, oh how I crave it!

I think I have talked about my house here before but I am not going to go back and look through the 360+ posts to find out.

But it is small! It is just about 1,000 sq ft.... it is a 3 bedroom, 1 bath and no garage house. However, it has the biggest yard! I love that part. You could almost build this same exact house right on the lot.... it is that big.

It is also owned by my parents and I rent it from them. Yes I do pay them.

With that said, we are currently having plans drawn up on a remodel. To most it would like we aren't doing a lot to the house. It is true. We aren't really adding much square feet or more bedrooms or more kitchen space..... all the things I need. But, what we are doing is adding a bathroom.... in fact it is going to be MY OWN BATHROOM!!! A more private master suite is what we are going for.

The current house has a bathroom between two bedrooms. My room has a door to the bathroom and the other door opens to the hallway.

I hate it! I can't really lock my bedroom unless I lock the bathroom door to the hall. This means that if a kid needs the bathroom, they are locked out. I also hate at night when the kids get up and turn the light on in the bathroom. Even with the door stuff from my room to the bathroom, it creeps under the door and wakes me.

The new plan is to close that door with a wall and put the new bathroom and a walk-in closest in my current bedroom and then push the exterior wall out to create my new bedroom. One door into it. A bathroom and closest buffer between the kids and me! My bedroom will be outside of the 'main' house... I get a lot of say in the design but my parents have the final say as it is their money. :)

I am just tried of sharing with little kiddos. In fact just now I went to the bathroom and before I could lock the doors, in walks L.... He is 5 and keeps forgetting the knocking thing. "Hmmm hello." He was like, "I have to go potty." So I left but not before reminding him to knock.

I am ready. I am soooo ready. I just have to wait until the plans are drawn and then find out how much to see if it is doable. I am trying not to be toooo excited yet because there is still a chance it won't happen.... but I am very hopefully! I think if the price is right, it will because my parents are all about making this house/living situation work well for us.

Until then, I will have to continue with the one bathroom and lack of privacy.... It has worked for 3 yrs now but still.

Something for Saturday

I am trying to make an effort to write something everyday. I think so far it is going well. I think I have missed one day this week.... maybe two. But not bad, right?

So my something for today, I am taking the puppy to a park today for Paws in the Park. He is going to love it. I am a little nervous, paranoid, worried because he is still pretty young but he has had most of his vax so far. I think it is just like when you have a newborn baby and that first big outing is a big deal.

Speaking of Cowboy, today it has been one month since I got him!!!!! I can't believe it. On one hand, it seems like he has been here forever and the other, a blink of an eye.

Then I am trying to decide what I think about this.... None of my kids are really thrilled to talk to their dad right now. He called twice yesterday and they wouldn't answer the phone. They looked at the caller ID and said, "Oh it's just dad." Then after the second call, he called my cell phone. We were watching a movie and normally H will snatch the phone and run off to talk to him. He was the first to say "No"..... then he was suppose to call his dad this morning, but I just asked if he talked to him and he said naaayyy with a shrug. The other two are always lukewarm about talking to him, an out of sight type of thing for the little one and well then there is my Drama Queen Teen.

I am staying out of it as far as anything goes. I am just putting out my confusion to the internet. Not really looking for anything from that, just talking it out. Weird.

Last night was my first really bad sleep night in a while. The puppy didn't sleep with me for only the second time since we got him. Is that it?? At any rate, I tossed and turned, and checked the clock about every hour. I did dream though so not sure what that's about. But they were those really weird dreams.

Well that is my something for Saturday. Enjoy.

Technologically Challenged

I need a bumper sticker or a T-shirt or both with this on it. It is a warning to all!

I have worked in the Information Technology department or with these folks in most of the jobs I have had. In fact, my grandparents used to own a TV shop back in the day and my dad always had some new technology around. We had a home computer before all of my friends, yes ALL of them. We had first addition gaming systems. Etc, etc, etc....

Yet I know crap about them. Okay that isn't completely true. I know just enough to be very dangerous.

I actually worked for several years as support in a help desk while in the Navy. I was the one that ordered all the computer equipment: monitors, CPUs, mice, routers, hard drives, etc. While the folks that needed it told me their needs, I still had to know what the hell I was talking about when I talked with vendors because we had to stay right at the edge of ahead in technology. So I had to know what was going on to get what they needed and the best price and not get ripped off!

However, my home computer is crashed. I think I know what to do.... but I'm scared. I guess I can't make it worse but hmmm, yeah now that I think about it, I can. I'm a bit worried that my laptop will crash and then what? I'll be sunk.

And, speaking of my laptop, it isn't quite set up the way I would like. I am getting it there but not quite.

I'm not sure what has happened to me. Did this stuff fall out of my head or I have been so far removed from it that I just haven't bothered to learn?

I don't know.... but I need help or..... something.... I would really like to get that computer back up and running.

Divorced mom or single mom?

What is the difference between a divorced mom and a single mom? (or you can use parent instead of just mom) I'm not sure. I guess it is just a matter how you look at it.

I am a single mom as in I do parent pretty much alone though the dad isn't a deadbeat. He just isn't here for the daily stuff. But, then that makes me think of the difference between being "divorced" and "single"....Read on.... but be warned, I am just opening my mind and what falls out might not all make sense at once.

Some that are divorced have regular custody orders. If you know me and/or have read this blog for a while, you know we don't. He lives 4 - 5 hours away and sees them a few times a year with an extended visit in the summer. Fine.

I make most of the day to day decisions. I get the hugs. I get to discipline them. The school stuff, the extra activities, the missed buses, the sick kiddo needs to be picked up early... etc. I have to do these things on my own. I am also the type that picks my battles and sometimes I just get worn out and can't be firm. Sometimes I do give in and ya know what? Most of the time it works for us. Are they sometimes bratty? Yes. Do they know how to push my buttons? Yes. And I know I give in too much and I know I give them more than they probably deserve and yes some of that is guilt!!!! They know it and they also know when to stop because they have gone too far. Again, it works for us.... most of the time.

So yes, I am a single mom.... errr, divorced mom?

I say that because I feel far from single. So maybe I am a divorced mom?? Since I haven't really thought of myself as single for a very long time now. Goofball and I have been dating a while. Though we haven't gotten super serious, I care about him very much and feel VERY lucky to have him in my life. So as far as single goes.... I don't really feel it.

With that said, I don't expect him to be in a role of "step-dad" or I guess more like "step-boyfriend".... or I don't know, whatever. I just don't expect that though I like that he doesn't mind hanging out with them from time to time. I also don't mind when he gives me his thoughts, advise or opinions on situations with my kids, just so he knows I will do what makes sense for us, be it his idea or mine. I just like having that grown-up to bounce ideas off of and to vent too. But bottom line is he is my hang out guy, my friend, my boyfriend.... not my children's.

And why is this important? I have been trying to define who I am in this whole crazy single, divorced, parenting world. I know that I am far from alone but at the same time, each situation is different. I think a lot of single parents struggle with defining who they are and what they want.

And that was the main reason for this blog.

Blog, blog, blog

I have been thinking about my blog a lot lately. I have now added Site Meter to it so all your lurkers, I see you!

Basically I want to start getting more traffic here. I want to let it evolve it more, especially my writing. I think I do okay but I am not quite as witty as some but I think I am better than others. Ya know, some where in the middle. I also think I kinda blend in a bit like I do in real life but when I have something to say, I make sure I am heard.

I know if I could make the rounds a lot more (meaning hitting tons of blogs and commenting), I would get more traffic. If I would except some of the invites I get to join this community or that blogroll, I could get more traffic. But, I am picky and somethings just don't seem like my style or someone is trying to get their own site going and need some folks to help get it going.

So I guess I know things I should be doing but how to do it when I have so much else going on in my life? I just don't know yet. Why do some people make it look so easy to "have it all?" I have never been super put together in that sense.

Oh well.... Gotta figure this out. But for now, I am just going to try and write something everyday. At least...... something....

Happy Easter and....

I am feeling a bit better than last night. Last night was crazy. I don't know what happened. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Sad. Sleepy from the meds..... etc, etc, etc.....

Today, at this moment, I do feel better. I hope that as the day wears on me, I just roll with it, which is more my style than the other but sometimes a girl has got to cry. It is almost like girl law or something.

Soooooo today is about purging my house which symbolises purging myself.

The kids are doing well. They are just enjoying being home with me. Even H saw some things this time that have him a bit upset and thinking that his dad is inappropriate and that he puts his relationship first before their feelings. Asshole!!! He is soooo going to alienate those kids and I hate it for them all. Even him because he may not realize it now but some day he might. I can only hope that it isn't too late.

So we are enjoying the outside right now and playing with our puppy..... and wishing you all a HAPPY EASTER or if you don't celebrate it, just another great Sunday!

Crying.... okay not really but almost!

I don't actually cry often. I really don't. I joke about it but I don't actually cry often.

Right now I am right on the edge of tears. I can't help it. It is just how I feel tonight.

I should be happy. I should be thrilled. I'm not so much.

I'm a bit sad. A bit disappointed. A bit.... ready to cry.

I will be okay. I will and I will probably not actually cry..... but damn I feel like it!

UPDATE: Okay so I did. Damn it!!!! and I am still on edge to do it again. Crap! I hate this feeling!

It is SATURDAY!!!!

Do you know what that means?

My kids come home today!!!! Whoooohooooo.

I am very excited that they will be here in just a few hours at most. But the one really nice thing about this time is I had the girlfriend to give me a report! I didn't ask for it, mind you. She just did it. I was sooooo excited to see that email because it gave me a different view on the situation up there. So if K comes back saying she didn't get a lot of time with her dad, I know that she probably got a lot but maybe it just wasn't enough for my poor daddy deprived child.

We'll see.

ALSO, today we are having our family March bday celebration. That includes me being that my bday was March 2. I love this day because I share the month with two very special people to me. My grandmother (mom's mom) and my cousin. I do also share it with one other person, she really isn't bad but I can only take her in small doses. But I do like her.

My Army brother is in town too!!!! with his new girlfriend who I can't wait to meet. They just arrived at my folks' house so I need to get a few chores done and then head over there before the crowd gets there.

HAPPY EASTER (weekend) to all!!!!!!

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

Not sure what to lead off with here.... I miss the kids, I know at least one is missing home a lot! She text messages or calls me DAILY!!!!! Last night was "Help me, I can't take this. I want to come home." It is like a cry for help that I can't answer. On one hand I don't feel bad at all!!!! But the other.... well damn my baby is sad and I want to fix it. Truth be told I want to fix everyone.

Also, I'm on a new med to help me sleep and BOY does it make me sleep..... well actually not so much sleep as it makes me SLEEPY!!! ALL DAY!!! and dizzy too. Ack! So now I am on two meds and still not feeling "fixed".... My electric shock therapy is my next step. Okay maybe not.....

The puppy is doing GREAT! Okay so he is a baby and is a spoiled, rotten brat!!!! But he is smart. Knows most of the basic commands, except the one about not biting me! Overall a good boy and so much fun.

Good stuff at work. I love my job though this week I have been off because of the meds. But, I just had my yearly review and it was GREAT! I got a nice little raise. Got my contractor service bridged for my benefits. It doesn't change my service date but just for how much vacation I get, sick leave and gets me a year closer to retirement! I guess that's about it from me......

There is probably more but my brain has stopped working. I guess the two meds have met and it is time for sleeping. :)


Because Margaret asked!!!! Here are some puppy pics.

Wordless (sort of) Wednesday

"Do something for yourself this week"

So with the kids gone, everyone keeps telling me to do something for myself this week, to get out and enjoy myself. And yes, I do agree with that thinking but I don't think everyone has the same idea of what would be fun for me.

Several people have told me to go out a lot. But I am more of the at home type. I am an introvert. I get energized by being alone. Being around a lot of people makes me tired and anxious. Though I don't mind some.

I do plan to enjoy myself but I don't plan to go out much, if at all. Though I did enjoy a really nice evening with Goofball last night. Even after all this time, I get really excited to see him each time. It was truly a nice evening.

Anyway, the kids seem to be doing okay, though K has text messaged several times each day and called me a few times too. Today the first text said, "Help me." It was nothing..... she said she just missed me. *sigh* It will be nice to get those babies home with me.

Open letter to my ex

Dear M,

I want to discuss this drama between you and K. You have never seemed to understand that the kids need you. You seem to think that being in the same state as them is good enough. That seeing them 2-3x a year and for an extended summer visit is enough. You seem to think calling a few times a week is good enough. But Mister, it is not. They need you. Your daughter is dramatic and seems to have an attitude with you as a front to her real feelings. Don't you get that? She misses you and you barely even consider her feelings in anything you do.

And while I realize that my way of handling things isn't always right. I know you don't agree with my laid back style, it seems to get fairly good results. She trusts me. I validate her feelings. I never tell her she is wrong in how she feels. If that is how she feels, great. Let's talk about it. And, yes again, you don't agree with me on a lot of things. But right or wrong, I think about the children in every decision I make. Every decision. Some of my decisions may not look like it but I try to make smart decisions with them in mind.... of course I can't always. Sometimes I do have to come first and so do you.

However, when you do only see them a few times a year, why ruin those few moments by being a jerk. I see your point in not wanting her to come this week because you know she is going to make things more challenging with her drama and moodiness. But, let me tell you, I do not and would not choose to basically disown her because of some petty drama. She is 13. Do you know what that means? Life sucks to a 13 yr old. It just does. And then in her mind she is not treated well when she is with you. She feels like she should be important to you, that you would almost drop everything to spend time with them. Personally I don't think it is too much to ask when they are with you just a few times a year that you make them the center of attention in a way. I am not saying stop your life completely but hey take an interest. And yes she does close up and get stubborn, don't be a baby and clam up yourself. That is counter productive.

More than anything I just wish you would have a good, positive relationship with all your children. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I should listen to the "no expectations" theory of thinking on this. I just don't think it is too much to ask that you have a good relationship with them though. Is it?

Well I guess that is all I had to say on the matter.

Bad blogger

I have been a bad blogger lately and for that, well I am sorry.

If I used to visit your blog and I haven't or I haven't commented recently. I am very sorry! I am not ignoring you, I'm just.... blah.

If you have sent me an email asking about linking to me, I am not ignoring you, I am just blah.

If you miss me writing more often, I am not dead and haven't quit blogging, I am just blah!

Basically I am going back to the doc this Friday to discuss my meds. I think an increase is in order. Not to mention I am way busy with the new puppy. He is totally AWESOME!!!!! He is way smart. Knows tons of stuff already and went to the Vet today for the first time (with me anyway). He weighs nearly 16 lbs. Big boy at just 10 wks old.

Then there are the kiddos. I have been busy with them. They are leaving on Saturday to visit their dad. While I know I will miss them, I am ready. I need a break!

Also I haven't mentioned but I have been talking with my ex' girlfriend. I have to admit, I really like her. We do have a lot in common and she seems really nice. I figured she is sticking around (may even be the future step-mom), I should get to know her a bit. Might sound a bit crazy but who said there were rules in divorce?? We agreed that we could set our own rules on what works for us.

I have also started chatting with my ex-Sister-in-law (ex-SIL). I always loved her, probably much more than I loved my ex. I was more upset about "losing" her in the divorce than I was him. I knew he and I were over but she and I were pretty close. I miss her so much.

And really other than just having a Bday, still seeing Goofball and looking at doing some remodeling on my house.... There is not much else going on. Just busy, busy, busy and sleepy. :)

Again, bloggy friends, I am hoping to reconnect with you all soon.

Thanks....

The true meaning of puppy love....

I would like to introduce the newest member of our family: Cowboy!!! He is a 2 month old boxer/husky mix. Yes folks he has blue eyes!

I have had a lot of dogs. This is a special one though.... I got him on Friday and he already is housebroken, knows a few basic commands and is just very comfortable in our home. He really isn't sure yet about the cats but they definitely don't like him yet. They think I should take it back where I got him.

Anyway, I have been super busy! but I really wanted to share him. He is going to be HUGE!

Divorce with kids doesn't mean the relationship ends....

Since we have kids, I still have to talk with my ex from time to time. Also, since he doesn't live here, I end up having long phone conversations with him to keep him up to speed, but he tends to ramble. I am getting used to it and, I realize I have to be nice, friendly, polite when we talk even when I want to scream.

However, I think I am getting better, much better with these conversations. In fact, I just got off the phone with him and he was rambling about how he and his girlfriend just bought a new car together. Fine. It didn't bother me at all this time to hear him talk about him, her and their life.

So the resentment and anger are melting as I knew it would. I am sure these feelings will come back from time to time but I do feel better about things.

I know that I will have to have some kind of relationship with him and at some point his girlfriend too because I do realize she is the one. I keep waiting for him to say they are getting married, because I know it is coming. So I just make the best of it all because I am actually happy for him and plus I am very happy with my life. Very happy!!!

I also feel it is important to the children that they see we can be friendly and get along. I want to set a good example for them and I try in everything I do. This is no exception. It has been a struggle but I am getting there. Slowly but I am, and like I said, I am sure there will be more hurdles and bumps but I will just handle them as well as I can and with my children in mind.

I'm the mom..... be afraid!

K told me today that most of her friends are scared of me. Damn!!!! That is both good and bad. The neighborhood boys BETTER be scared. The girls, well, I guess I don't care if they like me or not.

K's closest friends are not scared of me, they actually think I'm pretty cool.

Why did this come up today? Well because when I came home this evening, K and H were outside playing kick ball with their friends in the front yard. When the boys saw me coming, they all took off in the other directions. (evil laugh..... ) Good! I want to keep it that way!

She thinks its funny and so do I. She says I am cool.... that's all that matters to me! What she thinks!

Wordless Wednesday

Baby K

Baby H Baby L

I'm raising good kids!

Gosh it is night's like this that makes me feel like the best mom ever!

So tonight we had H's bday party. He is 12 now.... His bday was actually two weeks ago but we were just able to do his party. It was a bowling party. Way fun cuz we all like bowling.

It was me, my 3 kids, my parents, my bro's 3 kids and one of H's friends. It was a blast. Well when H was opening the gift from his friend, he said, "Well the best gift is that you were able to come."

Awww such a cool kid!

I was telling my mom the day before that H tends to be happy with just about anything. He is so not materialistic at all. He wouldn't have cared if he didn't get gifts but he was sure happy to have a couple too.

I love that kid. He has always been extra special and has always been kind of like my rock. He is steady so earlier this year when he was having a rough time, it really shook me up. That might seem like a lot to put on a kid but I don't tell him these things, but still....

Oh and my other two are really good kids too. But this was just one small proof of that! Hurray!

My Social Network

I have gone to both my primary care and my therapist recently, and both have told me that I need to extend my social network. I was shocked! Why? Because I feel like I have a great social network but really they said it because I need more support so I can deal better with my depression, stress and anxiety, as well as just the divorce in general.

I have my family and while they haven't always been my best support, we have a lot of social gatherings and I can call just about anyone to do something. And, I do know they will always be my family. The things that they haven't supported me on were minor really and with merit so whatever. Though I think that my parents look at me as the stronger of the three of us (out of me and my two bros). So they think I can handle myself better.

Then I have Goofball but I don't like to burden him as a support exactly, just the social part and oh yes, sex! Anyway, he has his own things and responsibilities that he doesn't need to be burdened with supporting me. I do vent to him sometimes and I really enjoy our time together!

There are also my PIMs! I met them here and have "known" them for 6 years now. They have been my go to girls. They have been my support through so much. I trust them with my life, to be honest with me, to be there for me, everything. They live all over the country and even one outside of the U.S. I have met most of them in person but not all. We have annual trips to met up. I have been to 3 out of 5 so far. I have also had two of the girls come to my hometown for their work and I got to meet them then as well!

I have also made some friendships through blogging and even some that live close to me! I also have in "real-life" friendships. I have friends at work even.

However, I don't go out with folks on a regular basis, other than Goofball. I just don't make time for it. I'll admit it. I have that working mom's guilt over leaving my kids since I work 10-11 hours a day (that includes commute time). If I had a more "normal" custody arrangement, then I would at least have every other weekend to myself to form and build relationships. I wouldn't have that guilt over leaving the kids and going out. So then when I do have time off, I have no idea what to do with myself because I haven't formed lastly friendships.

And how the heck do I make friends as a grown up? I don't even know! Not many of the people I do know have children my kids' ages. They are younger or older so it makes it hard to do stuff as families. Or our town is so big it is hard to find a meeting place. And everyone seems so busy. Weekends are for laundry, house work, errands and just in general down time.

I also don't have a house that is great for entertaining. Don't get me wrong, its cute but doesn't have the floor plan for entertaining. Oh plus I need living room furniture.... ya know, that helps.

Sooooo anyway, I'm at a loss. What do I do? How do I make in "real life" friends? And once I make those friends, how do I keep them and do things with them and build a social network and support system???

Both the PCP and the therapist have challenged me to work on this so I have a few weeks to come up with a plan and even put some to action. Oh joy! Any ideas on how to get past my shyness and step out of my introverted self to make friends?

Connected

A few weeks ago, I posted how I felt disconnected from my children. Well through the power of drugs and pure will power, I feel connected again. I feel like I am their mom again. We had a really great weekend.... it was lazy! We spent a lot of quality time together. Watching movies, cuddling, playing, talking.... just really nice.

And the moment I knew I was feeling better and not depressed, stressed, anxious or overwhelmed... was last night as I was getting to go meet Goofball. The boys were wild animals. For a few months now this has just been the killer for me. I would be wiped out and almost crying. I just could not deal.

Well last night, I handled it like a champ. In fact I got involved a little bit. When it was time for me to leave, I just told them to be good. I figure they were because I got no calls from the babysitter!

Soo hurray!!! I feel so, so much better. I know the meds aren't working this fast but just the relief of having that appointment behind me. Plus I know I had a lot of great support which I have not always had in the past, so it really helped me to push through it. (Thanks! everyone!)

Back on drugs

Went to the doctor today and he suggested I get back on anti-depressants. Okay. I know I need them. I realize that I can't get past the depression and anxiety without it. It isn't my fault or anything I can just switch on and off, or control by willpower. Why it took me so long to admit it? I don't know, it is just part of the depression and anxiety really.

Sooooo hopefully in 2 to 4 weeks, I will be feeling a lot better.

Until then.... just hanging in and trying to get by each day.

On a positive note, Goofball came over today and fixed my dishwasher!!!! Wooohooo. So to him, thanks, sweetie! You rock.

Something weird....

I have started putting pennies all around my office space. I work in a cube so I was going to say desk but....

I just kind of realized I have been doing it too. Today was definitely on purpose! I stuck about 8 in my pen holder. There are some that have lived in the little groove of a file hanging system on my desk. There are more in a little desk organizer behind me and then in several of my drawers are pennies.

I guess the really weird part is I was thinking, what if I change jobs (or get fired for blogging at work), and someone comes into my desk and finds all these pennies, what might they think?

So of course then I am just laughing at myself for thinking what this person's reaction might be. Seriously though, they are everywhere.... and now it is going to become a game with me! Yeah, I'm weird like that, I just don't let everyone see it!

Where do they all go?

So I have noticed lately that all my plastic food storage containers have gone missing, and really not all of them, just the lid or just the container. I either have one or the other but in very few cases do I have both!

What’s up with that?

It is a mystery for sure, like where the missing socks are, or what happened to the dinosaurs, or what’s that thing in the night sky?

I know not too long ago I had almost every single one. I know this because my oldest niece went through my cabinet and matched everything! There were a few that didn’t have a mate but most all of them did. Now just the opposite is true.

This is not good because I have to make some really big changes in my life; most specifically in what I and the kids eat. I know it and have known it for a long time…. And really it takes a lot of organization for me to do this and stick to it. Hence the need for the storage containers (as well as baggies and well a whole list of things)

I want to and have to start taking my lunch to work (like I did today). I need to cut up veggies and fruit to make them more readily available and need to be able to pack these items easily. I also need to get something to carry drinks with me. I guess I could just buy bottled water but (and this is not a bad thing exactly) the kids just plow through the water bottles so sometimes we run out long before I can go buy more. The rule will be that bottles only when taking drinks out of the house. Water in the house can come from filtered water into a cup! (Yes I need to explain in that much detail to them!)

Why the sudden need to eat better? I have always been a bit of a slacker here. Trying to save myself some frustration, time and energy; however, I am going to the doctor next week and I know I will need to make these changes in order to fix what is wrong. I have not felt right for a while, and I’m pretty sure it is food and weight related (like totally duh! Right?) It is also probably stress, lifestyle and depression/anxiety related. I am just hoping that this is it; that this is all that is wrong…. These are easier fixes!

So I am taking small steps now to get to the goal I want (happy and healthy and feeling good). So far I have almost completely eliminated sodas which are my biggest problem and I have almost completely cut those out. I had one today but I haven’t had one in ….. well just less than a week but it was several days in a row without and then before that slip it was several days in a row…. The one I had today I only took a few sips before I realized, I just don’t like this anymore! That is huge!

Anyway, this is not a resolution because of the New Year. It is just a realization that my health is in jeopardy right now and I do not want my ex to get the kids!

So now, I just need to make a shopping trip to get more storage containers! Oh and a few other things but organization is going to be huge in getting this to work and stick.

My new pet

Margaret got a pet so I copied her! Isn't my pet cute.

adopt your own virtual pet!

What I did today!

I had the best time today. I went to Mama Drama Con Queso II. It rocked! I meet a lot of new people and a lot of folks that I knew. Many people I definitely want to get together with again.

I get really lonely for people to hang with which sounds so pathetic but hey isn't that why I am doing all this online stuff. Right?

So anyway this is a shout out to all those that attended! Leave me some love to let me know you were here.

See ya at the next one (or sooner!)

What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I was not doing okay. I was depressed. I have suffered for so long with it (off and on) that I know when.... Really need to go on meds..... Also I know when I just must have a therapist and thankfully I have been talking with a great one! Which reminds me... I need to make my next appt.

But, anyway, I got a good night's sleep and it feels better today.

I think my problem was this. I was depressed and when I get like that, I withdraw. So I think in some ways that is what I was doing with the kids or feeling.

Plus someone said to me that my kids were with my ex in a more "normal" family life situation. He has his girlfriend and they live together. So they have kind of a whole family thing going on out there and maybe I am just jealous.

Other things that people have told me are that I haven't had my "hatred" spell with my ex. I agree with that to a point but then our marriage was over long before it actually ended so I really think I had gone through all that long before. And, while I do have bad feelings towards him, I think that at this point, it is normal feelings.

Sooooo anyway, I am feeling so much better today. So, so, so much better!

Just like a baby bird.....

This may sound like I am a bad mom. That is a chance I am willing to take. I just have to purge this from my mind, get it out and hope that one person, just one tells me this is okay, that this is normal or at least I am not a bad person for thinking this. Plus I know when I get the bad out, I feel better. If you have something negative to say, I do not want to hear it. This is not that type of post, this is not that type of situation nor is it wanted on this blog.

I know I was so happy and excited to have my babies back, but something seems to have overshadowed my joy.

I am not sure if it is depression or just me being crazy or both.

Basically today I realized that I felt weird, different towards them. I have been thinking about it all day. I was feeling like they weren't real or weren't mine or were just strangers in my house. Or maybe I am the stranger. I do not know.

I have never felt like this before. Does it have to do with the new girlfriend? Or is just something else? Like my very negative feelings I have for my ex. I resent him so much. Each time the kids are with him I just hate him more, and I do mean hate him.

I have spells when I am depressed so I continue to wonder if it just one of those moments.

I want to feel happy, connected and loving towards my kids. I really do and in many ways I still do.

This evening I am feeling a bit better and hugged them a lot. Tried to really be connected, or is it reconnected?

I am just hoping it is depression because I can't deal with feeling this way each time they come/go to their dad's. Depression seems to be just part of my life.....

EDIT: I do not mean this to sound like I don't want them or that I don't love them. I do want them and I do love them more than anything! It is just they seem different a little bit. And also I am feeling much better. I just needed it out!

Back to life, back to reality

With the holidays behind us and the new year ahead, we are getting back in the swing of things. The kids didn't have school today but do tomorrow. I worked for half the day today. It was nice to ease back into things.

Now we are all just kicked back, chatting and watching some tv together.

I am looking forward to this year. We have plans. We are actually going to take a vacation. This will be the first time I will be taking the kids on vacation alone! Well I guess that isn't completely true. When we lived in Fargo I did drive home with the three kids alone but it shouldn't really count because we stayed with my parents.

So our vacation is to go back to Pensacola where K and H were born and where I lived for nearly 4 years while in the Navy. I can't wait! I need to start planning it out. I'm so excited.

We are also planning to get all the grandkids together. Between my brothers and I, we have 9 children. We have had 8 of them together but my youngest bro has a new baby. The plan is for us all to travel either to Colorado where my youngest bro lives or meeting somewhere between here and there.

Also hoping to make some changes to the summer schedule for the kiddos. K and L both have summer bdays and they want to spend it with me this year. So not sure yet how that will play out.

Some other things are a new car, some new living room furniture and maybe a new dog.

So that is it in a really quick update on things with us!

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow! I get my babies back. I am sooo excited. Every time they have called me and their dad has been around, he ends up yelling at them to get off the phone. Are you serious? He did call me after one of the time to say he was sorry and didn't realize it was me they were talking to. Hmm, whatever, asshole!

He also called me today to find out what time we were doing pick up tomorrow. I was like, "K already said she told you that I said 1:00 and that you agreed. Is that not right?" He said yeah but.... Well then he didn't have a good reason. Where is his girlfriend? Can't he just leave me the fuck alone!?

And again he has disappointed his children. He had told H that he would be getting a cell phone for Christmas. Did he get one?! NO!

Asshole, asshole, asshole!

Anyway, I am so excited to be getting them back tomorrow.

And for tonight we (my Army bro, a cousin, her hubby and my aunt) are going to see our cousins play in their band at a club downtown! I can't wait. I have seen them play before but not in a club or bar... Rock on!!!

So having a rockin' night before getting the babies back. I have enjoyed my break, especially the Goofball parts! But again, just ready to have them home.

Breast Cancer Support

I am a big supporter for Breast Cancer Awareness. I always donate to the Susan G. Koman Foundation.

So recently, one of my very good friend's went for a check-up and was told there was a lump in her breast. It is a tumor.... cancer. She is one of the most amazing people I know.

I am throwing all my support to her now. So my blog will remain pink until she is in remission and I will be displaying this badge in honor of her!!! Her name starts with "L" which explains the letter on the badge.

Please show her support by displaying on your own blog and not just for her, but all who have or have had breast cancer.

Love ya, L!

Meet the parents

So for New Year's, Goofball came and had lunch with me and my parents. Yikes! I had a weak moment... balance a family tradition with seeing the most sexy man I know. What's a girl to do!?

Anyway, so he was an amazing guy about it (I was not surprised) and came along.

But that got me wondering, what people think when they meet my parents for the first time. The reason is that my parents now live in a really large, big expensive house but that doesn't define who they are or even tell you the story of them. I think people new to my life will just think that is how I grew up and it is soooo not the case. It was a bone of contention between me and my ex. He always thought that is the life I came from. He never felt comfortable with my family because he thought we were all these yuppie, rich folk. Whatever.

So the story goes....

My parents met in high school. Senior year and got pregnant with me near the end of the year. They got married a few months later and had me when they were 19 and 18. My dad worked very hard and went to college. My mom stayed home (but did work as needed). They then had my two brothers, the first 2 yrs after me and then 18 mths after that.... We lived in a little but very comfortable, cute house.

My dad slowly worked and worked his way up and into better jobs. They both made many sacrifices for us. We moved to a better house, yet still just a little bigger.

We didn't have the best of everything but we made the best of everything we had. We never went hungry and we never wanted for anything. We didn't go on expensive vacations. Our vacations were day or overnight trips around Texas. We learned history. I could not have asked for better vacations.

I know how expensive kids are, how expensive a house is, how expensive everything is....

Anyway, they pulled themselves up and made good choices (and of course some bad) but they are where they are today because of hard work. I didn't grow up in a house like they have now but I know that one day I will be able to live in one because I have good examples and I know it can be done.

Holiday update

We had a great holiday. Nothing super extra ordinary but wonderful at the same time. The kids were so happy and so great! They loved everything that "Santa" got them. And even better they liked the boring PJs that I got them. LOL!

Then around 4:00 pm on Christmas day the ex came and picked them up. I met his new girlfriend. This is one he has been dating since May(ish) and the kids spent most of the summer with. They are living together as well.

Anyway, she did seem very nice and I'm happy about that. The weird part is she is someone I could see myself being friends with under different circumstances, ya know?

Then when they left, I boo-wooed like crazy. Composed myself briefly and headed over to my Aunt's house (where all my family was gathered).... I started all over again. It was not pretty. It was a combination of things: lack of sleep, the fact it was a holiday and relief because honestly I need the break.

Woke up today still in a bit of a funk but feeling better. It just takes some time. Oh plus I got see Goofball today and that is always nice! No better than nice! It is awesome. He makes me smile.

Anyway, I hope you all had a great holiday! I can't believe it is nearly 2008. I still remember thinking, "I can't wait to party like its 1999!" and that year has come and gone.

Merry Christmas!!!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.

A different Christmas this year

Not bad, just different. This is the first Christmas that the ex isn't here for Christmas eve and Christmas morning. Even last year, though we were officially divorced, he came and stayed with us. He helped do the Santa stuff too.

It hit me today as I was typing out "... and the kids will go with him for Christmas night." that this is the first year that I have to hand my kids over to him for the holiday.

I know that I am lucky to have them most of the "holiday" part. Most of the hoopla is over by the evening when he will be getting them.... but they get to have a "second" Christmas with him. (ha, ha, they know it too)

This is also the first year that I won't have them for New Year's as well. I plan to enjoy the break and know that they will enjoy being with their dad but it is a little bittersweet too.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's and Happy.... well whatever you celebrate!

More teenager stuff

Ack! We have a new thing going on. I have been having to "fight" for any computer time lately. K is always on it! She has discovered youtube and that she can watch anime on it! Fine but just tell me when I get an email, okay?

So my apologizes to the blogging world. I can pretty much send a few emails, check my bank account and see a couple of blogs before she starts whining about the computer.

Okay that's it, she is on to me.... gotta jet! :) (Who's the mom? Oh yes, me. It keeps the peace though so my little sacrifice is worth it.)

Oohh by the way....

First of all this is my third post today after much silence. That is what therapy does to me. Ha, ha.

Anyway I never gave a cell phone update. She never found it. In fact, someone was using it so it was stolen. I had called the company to start the insurance claim process...they told me someone was using it.

So needless to say, they stopped service to that SIM card, and shipped us a new one.

Also, I had to put another $800 into my car last week (thanks mom and dad for the loan).... and this week I had to take it back in to get the same problem fixed. Crossing fingers.

That is that.

Whoohooo.... Best Blogging Buddies

Thanks Margaret!




I looked and looked for the rules. I hate to break rules (ha, ha... yeah right!). I didn't find anything saying number of people or anything.

Oh and I feel a bit bad about this because I really don't know who to give it to. Why? Because I haven't been doing well at keeping up with my blogging buddies!

But, I think I will give it to:

Tree
G-man
Esmeralda
Karen
Beautiful Disaster
Charlene
and last but not least
Trappedintime

Now, if you were left off the list.... there is a reason. It isn't cuz I don't love ya, cuz you know I do. But, we probably know a lot of the same people and if I gave it to all of you, who would they give it to?

Anyway, there ya go.

Dating Rules?

This week I was told I broke the "code".... Hmmm, what?

So let me back up. Goofball and I have been dating for .... well I am not sure where to start counting but we started talking online June 2006. To me that is when we first started dating, because in my mind dating is when you decide you have some interest in a person and want to see where it goes. Being in a relationship is once you decide this is the person you want to see exclusively. But, like I said, that's just me. There are varying degrees between the two.... so let's just say we have been dating exclusively for probably some where between a year and year and a half. I will admit in the beginning I was still talking to a few people but once Goofball and I meet a couple of times, that I was it. I decided I would give him my full attention, whatever that would mean.

Soooooo that was long for no reason.

Back to the story. Last Christmas I did want to get him something little for Christmas but it was "too early" and I didn't think it was a good time. This Christmas though I don't feel that way at all. I got him a gift. But, I don't know, I felt like I better let him know because it seemed fitting in what we were talking about (gift giving). He said "You broke the code." Hmmm WTF!? What code?

Well I have looked. A LOT! and everything I find is like this article. I found others but they all pretty much say the same. No matter where you start counting we have been dating more than the time where it is "too early" to give a gift.

So I didn't break the code! Ha!

Anywho, to me that isn't the point. The point is this is someone I like very much. I had a great idea of a gift I wanted to give him so I bought it. I think he will really like it and that was the point. To make him happy.

And really to me, should there really be rules about dating? Okay maybe a few and only in the beginning, like "Please don't come by my house at the 2 in the morning and watch my house." or maybe "It probably isn't a good idea to follow me everywhere I go." I mean that is just creepy, right?

But come on, once two people have been dating for several months or more, shouldn't they then get to just follow what feels right for them?

I knew you would agree!